to think it’s standard for marital assets to be split fairly

[Kiwistar]

Have decided after years of misery married to an on off addict and history of physical and emotional abuse that I need to get out. It’s been a long road. His addictions led to physical abuse on multiple occasions. He’s drinking daily again and goes out coming home early hours of the morning. I’ve voiced the pain this causes me and pleaded with him to get professional help but he thinks I’m a party pooper ruining his fun. He’s never really taken responsibility for this family and when he gets like this he withdraws financial support and leaves me to foot the bill for everything on very little income as I work part time so I can be available for the school run.

I’ve had enough and can’t do this anymore. It’s awful for the children to witness and I’m miserable. We’ve both decided he won’t change (he refuses to acknowledge his problems). Problem is he owns the house and another house. Money he received after a compensation pay out for an accident that happened before we got together. Meant to be loss of earnings but he works full time. He got the money once we got together. He bought the family home for us to live in. We’ve got multiple children together now. Married for 7 years together 10.

ive just calmly sat him down and said that we need ti be amicable for the children and come to arrangements over where we will live, what assets will go where etc. He says his compensation is strictly his in the eyes of the law. He has just angrily got right in my face again and shouted I’m a money grabber showing my true colours because I said marital assets are split 50/50 to start and then go from there. I would do the lions share of the childcare. I assume he’d have them on alternate weekends and half the holidays. I think he’ll be ok with that. He has lots of family local. I have no family local so would most likely move nearer to family about an hour away. He says he will sell the family home and I would buy a house to live in while the children grow up then he’d get it all back again afterwards. I personally feel I’m entitled to something but wonder am I being totally unreasonable? Does the law support me to be left with something as I won’t be able to afford to buy something myself whilst I’m raising our children? I realise I need to get solicitor advice. He says I don’t need ti because he already knows I’ll get nothing. He’s also refusing to move out while we go through the divorce. I honestly feel uncomfortable living with him during this process due to the history. If anyone could offer me some advice or reassurance. The future looks bleak really and he’s such a selfish angry person.

[Kiwistar]

Thankyou all for your support and messages. While legal advice is my first step as soon as everything opens up tomorrow the most important thing I’ve got from this is to not talk to him about it anymore. He’s refusing to move out of the family home and after he got in my face I feel like I should probably do nothing to antagonise him unless we’re in a safe space, like mediation. Something else that concerns me is that he is now refusing to give me any of his wages (I generally pay everything from my account due to his history of addiction). The money has likely been spent. If he would leave I could claim and get us set up financially so I wouldn’t have to stress about how I’m going to foot the rest of the bills for the month as all of my wages went on his debt repayments and household bills. I’ll need fuel money which I don’t have. Unless I wait til the food runs out!

[Outfoxedbyrabbits]

While I'm very sorry that you've been subjected to so much abuse (physical, emotional and financial abuse are described in your posts, which I'll bet are the tip of the iceberg as regards his behaviour) I want to encourage you that you are actually in a very strong position - as his behaviour is already documented (by the previous arrest) you should find that you actually have lots of options for support now.

Don't talk to him about this any more. Understand that the reason he doesn't want you to access legal advice is because he knows that you have rights that are enshrined in law and he wants to prevent YOU from realising this. The fact that he says you shouldn't see a solicitor is precisely why you SHOULD see one!

Ring Women's Aid. See your GP to document his abusive behaviour further (this is one of the best steps you can take now to make your life easier later on). See a few family law solicitors locally. You will be able to build a safe, stable, secure life for you and your children.

[oviraptor21]

If you've been subject to domestic abuse, as you indicate in your OP, you should contact a DA charity who will be able to assist you with legal options.

[mewkins]

If you Google whether your area has a women's centre, they are usually a good resource for signposting you to a decent family law solicitor.

[Kiwistar]

Any idea the best way to source a good solicitor? Other than just a Google search in the local area? I don’t know if anyone who has recently divorced

[toooldtodate]

I know someone who had compensation for loss of earnings and also life long care so maybe slightly different in that respect. When he died that portion of the compensation was "returned" ie could not be willed to his wife or children

However I also know someone who was injured in Afghanistan and obviously received compensation for injuries and effect on long term employment and his now ex wife did receive a share of his compensation money on divorce

[mewkins]

@Bzzz

You need legal advice, not the advice of mumsnet. Most people (i suspect including all those commenting above) have never been in a situation where compensation including future loss of earnings has been awarded. This isnt the standard situation which people commenting think it is. Being unable to work (and clearly medical experts have stated he is unable to continue his previous role in full/will be disadvantage on the labour market etc) is very different to having received an inheritance.
Get legal advice as any advice you get from other sources is likely to wrong and that will only harm your next steps, not help.

I think every poster pretty much has stated the need to see a solicitor. As well as stated that everything varies from case to case.

[Bzzz]

You need legal advice, not the advice of mumsnet. Most people (i suspect including all those commenting above) have never been in a situation where compensation including future loss of earnings has been awarded. This isnt the standard situation which people commenting think it is. Being unable to work (and clearly medical experts have stated he is unable to continue his previous role in full/will be disadvantage on the labour market etc) is very different to having received an inheritance.
Get legal advice as any advice you get from other sources is likely to wrong and that will only harm your next steps, not help.

[mewkins]

@Kiwistar

I’m wondering if compensation is legally protected?

www.greshamwm.co.uk/i-am-getting-divorced-is-my-spouse-entitled-to-claim-money-from-the-compensation-i-was-awarded-for-my-personal-injury/

Thus has similar circumstances to yours and may help you. If you google whether compensation claims are considered as marital assets you can see what precedents have been set (and also look at some of the reasoning behind your decisions). It may help to arm yourself with this knowledge when approaching a solicitor x

[Kiwistar]

I’m wondering if compensation is legally protected?

[mewkins]

This money isn't inheritance and it has been used to buy a family home. I'm not sure he can argue that it is his alone, especially when you've dropped earning power to look after your joint children. He will try but I'm sure you have a good argument that it is a marital asset.

To the previous poster, have you taken steps to ring-fence this inheritance? If inherited during the marriage it may still be considered a marital asset (this happened to a friend). Also, don't just verbally agree on anything.

[ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat]

@Namechangefail123 not to be a voice of doom but in the event of a split, I would never rely on what's been agreed previously unless you have it written up and legally ring fenced. Plenty of people on here who have lost % of an inheritance from their family to an ex in divorce as all assets are classed as marital unless specifically, legally protected. OP, as pp have said, really all you can do is seek legal advice, possibly more than one opinion.

[Namechangefail123]

My inheritance money is mine and my children's only (DH agrees). Marital home is to split between all children (if not divorced). If divorced it will go in proportion to our contributions.

[mewkins]

@Kiwistar

Yes he does own them outright. He has tenants in the other house which is much smaller.

Ok well it looks like there is enough in the family pot to house everybody so he is talking out of his arse. See a solicitor on your own. Take with you whatever docs you can find regarding assets and let the solicitor deal with it. Don't rise to any arguments or discussions with him. He is trying to scare you and intimidate you. Do you have any recommendations from friends re. Solicitors to use. Remember they don't all give the same advice. You can have a free consultation with a few.

[ReluctantCourier]

Well if it gets messy that is helpful. He can’t paint you as making it all up

[Kiwistar]

@ReluctantCourier

Has he ever been to a Gp or had any police involvement addiction wise? You can raise it in mediation but for a court to take any notice you’d usually need some 3rd party documentation of it unless he admit it’s (which is not impossible of course)

He was arrested and not allowed near the house for a month around three years ago after a particularly awful incident. I really should have left then but I was scared and vulnerable and he really made me feel like I caused him to attack me but in reality it was him and his addictions at play. I even said sorry! Classic!

[ReluctantCourier]

Has he ever been to a Gp or had any police involvement addiction wise? You can raise it in mediation but for a court to take any notice you’d usually need some 3rd party documentation of it unless he admit it’s (which is not impossible of course)

[Kiwistar]

@Pessismistic

Sorry your going through this op but I would be more bothered about leaving the kids with him. The reason you are going because he's drinking and not taking responsibility for his family I would get advice on this first and get the police involved if he's abusive to you. Your kids will still be miserable when you let him have them. Good luck .

Yes I understand this could be an issue. It’s actually one of the main reasons I stayed because I could keep an eye on the addictions as they played out. He goes through phases of being well and then relapses. His family would be around to support with this and I would raise it during mediation as a concern

[Kiwistar]

@mewkins

Does he own the two houses outright? I imagine a decent solicitor could get you and the kids one of the houses to live in. The judge will be concerned with both of you being housed (and the kids of course) and it sounds like this is entirely possible from what you have. And a mesher agreement would not be needed in that case. As others have said, see a solicitor and don't engage with him. He is probably angry as realises you will indeed get half (at least).

Yes he does own them outright. He has tenants in the other house which is much smaller.

[Pessismistic]

Sorry your going through this op but I would be more bothered about leaving the kids with him. The reason you are going because he's drinking and not taking responsibility for his family I would get advice on this first and get the police involved if he's abusive to you. Your kids will still be miserable when you let him have them. Good luck .

[mewkins]

Does he own the two houses outright? I imagine a decent solicitor could get you and the kids one of the houses to live in. The judge will be concerned with both of you being housed (and the kids of course) and it sounds like this is entirely possible from what you have. And a mesher agreement would not be needed in that case. As others have said, see a solicitor and don't engage with him. He is probably angry as realises you will indeed get half (at least).

[Kiwistar]

@KangarooKenny

I wouldn’t mention moving away yet either.

No ok. It just makes sense to have support as his family are likely to be very difficult about the situation.

[KangarooKenny]

I wouldn’t mention moving away yet either.

[Kiwistar]

@KangarooKenny

Don’t discuss anything any more. Speak to a solicitor and put it in their hands.

Yes after he got really angry I agree with this. I don’t want to cause any unnecessary conflict within the home while we’re stuck living in this place together

[KangarooKenny]

And remember, if you’re scared phone the police.