Does unequal income matter in a relationship

[Flutterbybudget]

Can a relationship work if there is a big disparity in income? Slightly hypothetical, because it’s not even “early days” 😂
I am a low wage earner, although I love my job, and support my family
Just been invited out for a drink by a customer, (nothing inappropriate in that) but he lives alone and is loaded. I’d like to go, he’s a lovely bloke, but I’m worried about how it would look. If we go to an expensive restaurant I probably wouldn’t even be able to split the bill. But I’d equally feel a cheap skate, if I only paid if we go somewhere cheap. So, it’s just got me thinking, can it ever work, (a one off is ok, but long term) if there’s a big disparity?

[ComtesseDeSpair]

In my previous dating experience, I always found the men with high salaries very generous with money.

I suspect that’s because men, regardless of whether they’re wealthy or not, have always traditionally been expected to foot the bill when dating; and many women actively still expect to be able to keep their purses closed, so many men just see flashing the cash as normal. I’m sure if the sexes were reversed here and the OP were the wealthy one, the responses would be entirely different and she’d be being warned to watch out for this potential mooching cocklodger.

[Lebano]

In my previous dating experience, I always found the men with high salaries very generous with money and it didn’t seem to worry them at all even though I had a reasonable job. Just enjoy the date like you would any other and see what happens.

[Trisolaris]

My dp and I have always taken it in turns to date plan and pay so we can buy things in our own budgets rather than each spend the same. He has always made more than me - every time I get a pay rise or promotion he gets a bigger one! E.g I might buy theatre tickets (cheap ones) and he pays for dinner. Usually his dates would be more expensive than mine but it was his choice. As we’ve started to combine our finances (getting married soon) we’ve worked out how to split expenses based on what I can contribute and he often chooses to upgrade us. I think if you are open to discussing it and neither of you are looking to take advantage of each other it can work.

[ComtesseDeSpair]

It’s one thing if you’re an established partnership with unequal finances because of promotions over the years / SAHPing or the like, but I wouldn’t choose to begin a financially unequal relationship personally. My motivation for earning well is that I like nice things; whilst I wouldn’t mind the occasional cheap date I don’t want to be spending my time in the Wetherspoons because my date can’t afford better, and I wouldn’t want to be subsidising them constantly at the start of a relationship, either, because it would erode my respect for them.

[Sandra1984]

Take him to a nice pub for a drink and a bite, casually and in a light manner let him know half way through the date that you don’t do expensive restaurants as you have a child and can’t afford them. Have a fun date, it’s just a date (not a marriage proposal), you’re meant to have fun. Enjoy your date 👍

[dmask]

I think you’re overthinking it as it hasn’t even happened yet! Go for a drink somewhere you’ll be happy to pay half. If things develop and you’re both comfortable with each other then you can do ‘who arranges the date pays’. You can do some picnics, cook dinner at home etc, and if he wants to take you out to somewhere more expensive it’s up to him. I used to out earn my husband and we did similar when we were dating, we both felt comfortable and had some great dates - the cheaper ones were the more memorable actually. Now he out earns me (not by a huge amount), but we’re married now and everything goes into a joint account.

[XenoBitch]

It can work.
I was a non-earner (MH issues) and my DP was on £80k.
We had other things that connected us as a couple. Money was not it.

[Midlifemusings]

It seems generally people think a man paying for most everything is okay but a woman paying for most everything and the man just along for the ride is not okay.

The lower income earner, like many on this thread, obviously support the higher earner financing their life as they are benefiting. If they were the higher earner supporting the boyfriend who makes little - then the responses wouldn't be so positive. Look at threads on here where boyfriends dont pay for much - suddenly, the disparity matters a lot.

[Discovereads]

The vast majority of long term relationships won’t have equal finances the entire time. It can often flip flop, so initial high earner can become low earner later on. It doesn’t matter really, it’s how you two handle it that makes or breaks the relationship.

[shivawn]

There's a pretty big disparity in my relationship and it causes zero problems because all money is our money. The disparity wasn't there at the beginning of our relationship though so maybe that makes a difference.

[Flutterbybudget]

@MintJulia

It shouldn't be an issue initially. Whoever does the inviting, pays the bill, so you choose a venue or activity that suits your pocket
However, long term, I have found it to be an issue both ways. I've dated someone who earned much more than me and someone who earned much less.
The high earner got annoyed because the birthday present I bought his daughter was 'cheap' in his eyes, although all I had left at the end of the month.
The lower earner kept hinting things he wanted me to buy him, and announced after one Xmas that he was feeling hard done by because I hadn't bought him a v expensive watch which was far more than I spend on my whole family - silly money.

So I think differences in expectation can cause problems. Or maybe I just choose men badly. 🙂

Tbh, I can’t see this one going anywhere serious, it never does.
Just had me wondering about “ relationships in general”

[MintJulia]

It shouldn't be an issue initially. Whoever does the inviting, pays the bill, so you choose a venue or activity that suits your pocket
However, long term, I have found it to be an issue both ways. I've dated someone who earned much more than me and someone who earned much less.
The high earner got annoyed because the birthday present I bought his daughter was 'cheap' in his eyes, although all I had left at the end of the month.
The lower earner kept hinting things he wanted me to buy him, and announced after one Xmas that he was feeling hard done by because I hadn't bought him a v expensive watch which was far more than I spend on my whole family - silly money.

So I think differences in expectation can cause problems. Or maybe I just choose men badly. 🙂

[Anotherdopeytaxpayer]

Whoever earns the most money has the power in a relationship, but it's how they use that power that's important.

We regularly see posts from SAHM or low-earning women who can't leave abusive relationships because they are finally dependent on their spouse/partner.

Every woman owes it to herself to be financially independent.

[Miajk]

@Flutterbybudget

Just to be clear, he obviously knows my current financial situation as he knows where I work. He knows I have dependent children. He’s just suggested going for a drink, no mention of high end restaurants or anything. I’m not trying to suggest anything about HIM as an individual, and I’m probably definitely overthinking this at this stage, just got me wondering

You're definitely overthinking.

It only matters if one of the people in the relationship has an approach to money that will cause tension.

If higher earner is happy to pay and lower earner will let them, they can have a nice lifestyle. If higher earner is frugal then lower earner can go 50/50.

If lower earner is uncomfortable or too proud, it will cause problems. If higher earner wants a lavish lifestyle but wants 50/50 it's an issue too.

Most relationships aren't 50/50 anyway and a good partner will value your overall contribution to the relationship, and treat your resources and lifestyle as something you own/build together.

[TedMullins]

I used to think it didn’t matter but I think it can. As others have said though, attitude is the key rather than finances. I’m the higher earner in my relationship but we don’t live together and I absolutely won’t be joining finances or getting married (I’m against this in general, not just with this particular guy).

It kind of evens out for us as I earn more but have much higher outgoings. When we go out we usually split 50/50 unless one of us is treating the other for a birthday or something. I wouldn’t be OK with paying for everything all the time. The nature of his work means he isn’t stuck as a low earner, there are many things he could do to increase his earning, and quite honestly if he doesn’t at least try and do this I will find it offputting. I don’t mind being the higher earner but if we continue our relationship and eventually live together I expect him to do his bit financially. Similarly when I was the lower earner in a relationship when I was much younger I paid my share and preferred to keep finances separate rather than feeling like I was living off my partner.

[AhNowTed]

@Sunnyqueen

Depends on the man. If he is a bit old school they are more than happy to pay the dates and later on be the provider.

And you think it's ok to mooch off somebody like that?

OP it matters not. If he's a decent bloke he'll understand that pricey restaurants aren't on the cards unless it's something he's happy to fund on occasion.

Early days so a few drinks where you stand your round shouldn't be a problem.

[IMustMakeAmends]

When unequal incomes cause issues in a relationship, it is not actually the money that's the problem; it's the attitude of the people involved

This absolutely nails it.

I have a professional job but work part time so earn a LOT less than my DH. He works FT in a very well paid job. I've also had 3 lots of maternity leave earning nothing towards the end.

Depending on bonuses, DH can actually earn around 10x what I do. However, he totally respects my job, my earnings, and my contributions in other ways. I recognise his job is time consuming and stressful but also that it allows us a lifestyle we wouldn't have otherwise. He understands that me working part time and earning less as a result is part and parcel of us having a home and a family together. We're a team and we have it set up to work for us. It's not flawless but it works. .

Go for the drink. Don't overthink. 😊

[oldwhyno]

finances matter in any relationship, and being equally wealthy/earning can have it's own issues to navigate.

Financially unequal relationships can definitely work. The difference will be a feature of your relationship, but many many couples make this work.

[autienotnaughty]

There is no right or wrong. My dh earns 5x what I do we pool money together . It's all ours.

[PurpleDaisies]

@MsPincher

Presumably their colleagues would have a similar income

You didn’t engage with any of the rest of the post.

Doctors shouldn’t marry nurses?

[Yerroblemom1923]

@MsPincher so you can only marry colleagues on your pay level?! A pp mentioned doctors and nurses, teachers and solicitors etc as an example of unequal finances who obviously get together.

[toastfiend]

DH and I don't have a massive disparity in income any more, but we did when we first moved in together and married.

I think it depends if the higher earner resents it or not. DH and I have always been happy to pool resources. We have a joint account and it's all "our" money. We don't have separate spending money, if one of us needs something, we buy it. If it's over £150 we'll probably mention it to the other person first. I think it would be very difficult if one person in the relationship was selfish, if the higher earner resented being the higher earner, or if there was an insistence on everything being split 50/50 regardless of respective incomes.

[MsPincher]

@PurpleDaisies

Just thinking of the couples I know, doctors and nurses, teacher and high powered lawyer, charity worker and software engineer…

Are you genuinely saying none of these people should have got married because there’s always been a large disparity in salaries?

Where should high paid bankers go to find their husband/wife if they need to find someone on a similar income?

Presumably their colleagues would have a similar income

[10HailMarys]

@DenholmElliot1

It's OK for dating but I always think you should marry your financial equal.

Are you posting direct from the early 1800s?

[10HailMarys]

When unequal incomes cause issues in a relationship, it is not actually the money that's the problem; it's the attitude of the people involved. Same with friendships. If you're both fine with the fact that he will probably need to pay for things most of the time (which I would be, if I were him) then it's really not a problem. But if he resents paying, or uses it against you, or insists on going to expensive restaurants but still expects to the split the bill, that's where it becomes a problem. So I think it's something you need to be fairly upfront about early on in the relationship, but if the wealthier partner doesn't mind paying and the less wealthy partner feels OK about it, it's all good.

I've been the less wealthy partner in a relationship before and it was never a problem at all. I haven't been the wealthy one in a romantic relationship but I do have a couple of friends who are very hard-up and I am absolutely delighted to be able to pay for them if we go for a meal or drinks or whatever. They're my friends. I can afford it. They can't. Therefore I pay. It wouldn't occur to me to resent that in a million years!