Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

[Leftie202]

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

[marktayloruk]

I don't believe in sending children to bed anyway. You and your partner. Have enough time together there and 13-year-olds should be out with their mates on.Saturday nights

[Gnusmas]

Now she's bringing another kid into this dysfunctional arrangement.

[Sparklesandlove]

All the children need quality time with you both at mealtimes, this is when you share things, what’s going on in their world, worries, bullying, happy thoughts and time to bond with you both. Your other half needs educating on this IMO, It’s quality vital time that you can never get back, and should be about the children. One to one time with your other half can be a date night one night at weekend .

[Somethingneedstochange]

At 5 it's a bit much to be expecting him to eat alone. I've always thought it was odd parents eating separately to the children. I always sat down with them to eat including when step daughter was staying with us. I would plate up exh tea up and warm it up in the microwave when he got home. He didn't expect me to wait to eat. He was often late home as was self employed. He's his dad he will obviously want to spend time with him. Does it really matter if he's not in bed by 7.30 at the weekends?

[LuaDipa]

@JellyBellyNelly

I really do wonder about women who let these things happen to their children in the first place. Just why would you even let it start in the first place? Is having a man in your life really so important that you allow your children to be banished to their rooms for the convenience of a bedmate?

I’m sorry op but I agree with this. Please have a long hard look about why you allowed your dp’s rules to be implemented in the first place when they are so unfair and biased towards your own dc. If he doesn’t want to live with 3 dc then you shouldn’t be with him.

[Sheerdetermination]

“We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.“
Weekday evenings are the only time you get with your children, would be another way to look at this. You must put your children first. Your DP does not have their best interests at heart.

[User56785]

you have 3 kids there’s 1 of him..might feel lonely

why would he feel lonely? The op isn't suggesting the boy eats alone. She's suggesting the other dc also eat as a family.

[mimifv]

@Leftie202

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

you have 3 kids there’s 1 of him..might feel lonely

[PinkSyCo]

I don’t think 7.30 is too early a bedtime for 8/9 year olds on a school nights night, but I think banishing your 13 year old to his room at the same time is extremely harsh. He should have the option of eating later with you and being able to roam his home to his hearts content until his later bedtime. I also don’t think that allowing your DSS to eat with you and have a later bedtime at the weekend is wrong, so long as your children are afforded the same privilege during school holidays.

[wellhelloitsme]

@threatmatrix

It’s not early at all children need 12 hours sleep. The thing is if he doesn’t eat with you he’s eating on his own which isn’t very nice.

According to The Sleep Charity that is is completely false other than for toddlers. I've no idea where you've got 12 hours from for older kids, especially for you to state it as fact. Some may need 12 hours obviously but it's very unusual beyond toddler years.

Here's their guide below. Bear in mind OP's youngest is 8, another is 10 and another is a teen...

While there is no hard and fast rule, the general guide is:
toddlers need around 12 hours of sleep a night
children aged three to six – 10-12 hours
seven-12 years olds – 10-11 hours
teenagers – around eight to nine hours.

[JaneInTheJungle]

@Happyher

Maybe he just wants to spend as much time as possible with his DS. He sees him less than you see yours. I don’t think everything can be the same for all 3.

Does he?

OP says that her dc are there four nights (M-T) and do's son is there three nights (F-Sunday).

Two of these days are weekends and the ds doesn't go to bed until 9ish. So let's say twelve hours each day so 24 hours and after school Friday so five fours there.

OPs dc. From say 4pm after school 7.30 deadline.

3 and a half hours four days a week.

14 hours for OPs dc.
29 for her dp's ds.

[Happyher]

Maybe he just wants to spend as much time as possible with his DS. He sees him less than you see yours. I don’t think everything can be the same for all 3.

[AllyCatTown]

While I see your point I also think 3 children eating together is better than a child on his own. Though I’m not familiar with separating out parents and children like this. We all ate as a family.

[WhereIsVillanelleWhenNeeded]

@Mariposista

Families should eat together. Its a great time to catch up and bond over how the day has gone.

👆👆👆This! 👆👆👆

[Grrrrdarling]

@Raspberryjam22

Your youngest is 8 so how old are your other 2 ? 7.30 seems early for bed at that age .

I don’t think 7.30 is early for bed at all. I think it is a pretty good bedtime.
My 10yr old is in bed for 7.30/8pm on a weekday then she reads until about 9pm. She often falls asleep in her book within half hour of going to end though Beckie she is tired. She is up at 6.30am to get ready for school so that is the time she needs to be in bed for so she can have a good nights sleep.
Weekends are a bit more relaxed. We tend to eat a little later & watch a movie so bedtime can be 10/10.30/11pm on the Friday & Saturday depending on what we choose to do. She also only sees her step dad on a weekend as we don’t live together so weekends run a bit differently to weekdays in our house.

I suppose bedtimes depend on how family time works & how much sleep the child needs.
I was always in bed by 7.30/8pm on a week night so it isn’t unusual for me.

[Solonge]

I dont think its a case of 'can you not push' this man does not come with permission to write the rules of the house. There are two adults here...both have children....neither have a God given right to tell the other partner what they must do with their own kids.

[Solonge]

You said you both work full time...then that you work part time... if you or your partner not in till after 7 its not great for a child of primary age to stay up late to eat.

[Solonge]

Ridiculous. Most of us have one child at a time. We feed them earlier than we eat...when they are one, two, three etc...our kids started eating with us around the age of 12 as my husband was a GP and didnt get in till 7.30... A five year old can perfectly well eat his meal at a table whilst his parents sit with him and chat.

[Solonge]

Of course he is being totally unreasonable!!!! his child is younger than yours but gets to eat with you and goes to bed late for a young child...but the rule is your kids eat early and then go to bed early.... I would suggest you ask him to explain to you in fine detail how he thinks this is ok......there is no logic here at all. Why does he get to make a rule in your house? frankly I can see why his last partner is no longer with him.

[carbay]

But in a previous thread OP says that her eldest child lived with the ex and only stayed with her at weekends, which makes this whole thread irrelevant.

[RampantIvy]

@threatmatrix

It’s not early at all children need 12 hours sleep. The thing is if he doesn’t eat with you he’s eating on his own which isn’t very nice.

DD would never sleep for 12 hours.

You are talking rubbish.

[threatmatrix]

It’s not early at all children need 12 hours sleep. The thing is if he doesn’t eat with you he’s eating on his own which isn’t very nice.

[AmberMcAmber]

He’s being a dick it’s favouritism - I’d just dish up his kids dinner early or serve your kids at same time as you… if he says anything you can tell him he’s being ridiculous

[RampantIvy]

Just seen your second post @Ohthatsexciting. Never mind

[RampantIvy]

DD is 21 and a student, but she always ate with us from being small. DH and I both WFH. I am part time so have plenty of time to cook. In our house the cook doesn't wash up, and I prefer to cook, so DH always washes up.