To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

[JinglingHellsBells]

@toomuchlaundry

@JinglingHellsBells anyone paid for their son’s weddings? They are going off on their new life too

I understand what you are getting at (you've made that clear!) and YES I know parents who have done that.

[angieloumc]

My parents paid for most of my first wedding, back in 1987, I was a foolish 18. We had two DC then I was divorced by the time I was 22. My second wedding we paid for ourselves obviously, though they did offer.
My sister married six years ago (she's four years younger than me). She was very unhappy our then widowed mum couldn't help her out, so I paid for her dress.
Only one of my DC is married, I gave them £4000 though his dad didn't pay, nor did he attend. His stepdad (divorced again me!) gave them a couple of thousand towards their honeymoon.

[toomuchlaundry]

@JinglingHellsBells anyone paid for their son’s weddings? They are going off on their new life too

[DameHelena]

@Marvellousmadness

This thread is pointless
Op is unwilling to contribute to the wedding and has dug her heels in.

No one can or will change her mind

She has raised her child. She done!

How spiteful.
Parents paying for weddings made more sense in the past, when people often married young and straight from living in the family home, and were not yet working or in low-paid work.
But these days (and certainly in this case), the couple's situation is quite different and parents paying just doesn't make sense.
But you know, if it makes you feel good to have a little dig at people.

[toomuchlaundry]

@Blossomtoes he was there to support me (didn’t have bridesmaids) in the same way my mum supported me whilst I got ready, same way DH’s brother supported him as best man.

[JinglingHellsBells]

Of course it's not normal for parents to pay.

@Dishwashersaurous Maybe not in your social circle, but it still is in many other people's.

It's tradition. It's like a final 'farewell' as the daughter sets out on a new life.

Okay many people live together first but lots of parents want to help out with the cost.

My friends have paid (recently) for their DDs weddings and even my DD's friends (20s and 30s) have had their weddings paid for by parents. Maybe not 100% of the cost, but a big chunk.

I can't get my head around anyone saying they'd rather go off on holiday than pay for a lovely memorable day - it's people who matter in life, not places.

[Blossomtoes]

@toomuchlaundry

My dad walked down the aisle with me, but he didn't give me away

What’s the difference? Apart from what you call it?

[toomuchlaundry]

@norgie you jest but this does happen in some families and it is not a joking matter. That is where the traditions come from

[DaphneduM]

If you don't want to contribute, then that's fine. It's completely up to the individual how they feel about it. We have an only daughter and paid for her wedding in it's entirety. Her father-in-law gifted them a great honeymoon. We are comfortable but not wealthy. We were both still working at the time, now retired. Her wedding was something I had always thought about and saved for. It wasn't as expensive as some - but absolutely lovely and I'm glad to have done it. I would have felt very mean not to, and I think it would have been sad for our daughter. It's an expression of love.

[Norgie]

@toomuchlaundry Did he sell you to the highest bidder?
Charge your betrothed a fee?
Did you come with a guarantee?

[TizerorFizz]

@WhereDidTheYearsGo
Surely if you have a loving relationship with your DD, then you have a discussion about what she would like and what you can pay for. I certainly would not say all of it but you do need to show a bit of enthusiasm. Would you have preferred her to marry 10 years ago when you had more money? I actually know lots of people who saved up for weddings. Just so they could help and saw it as an important day. You won’t want to look back on it and feel you were not remotely involved. Have a chat with DD and come up with a plan.

[toomuchlaundry]

My dad walked down the aisle with me, but he didn't give me away

[Blossomtoes]

@toomuchlaundry

Exactly @Benjispruce4 I'm glad I wasn't treated as someone's chattel

Nor was I - my adult son “gave me away”, it was a very special moment for both of us. I know a couple of non chattels who broke their father’s heart, for what? It really saddened me.

[Norgie]

@toomuchlaundry This may blow your brain, but I was delighted that my father walked me down the aisle. No chattel involved.
Different strokes for different folk.
You may think that you're oh so modern but you know some of us like tradition.
Shocker ...I also took my DH surname, our kids also have DH surname.
You say about education, helping to buy homes and flashy weddings..... newsflash, you aren't privy to any of that information, maybe that was also given, maybe the wedding is a low key affair. Nor do you know the culture or nationality of everyone.
Assumption is a dangerous thing.

[iklboo]

DH & I got married 18 years ago but my parents still didn't pay for it. All the parents contributed something:

My mum & dad - photographer & my dress hire
MIL - suits & car hire
FIL - flowers & decorations

My dad made the wedding cake. Nobody should expect their parents to pay for the whole shebang these days, especially if they've been living together for years.

[SAB50]

Just to reiterate most other posters, I really don't think it's expected. My husband's dad gave us £500 which was entirely unexpected and went towards the honeymoon. My parents made my bouquet for the day from wildflowers from their garden and helped with homecooked buffet food (they're really not well off so didn't expect anything else!). Both very much appreciated.

My friend is from a culture where it's still usual for parents to pay, and pay A LOT (massive three day Indian Hindu wedding). They'd been saving all her life for it - I can't remember exact figures but it was nearing 100k at least. That to me is crazy and certainly not commonly expected!

Buying her dress or maybe the cake would be a lovely gesture.

[toomuchlaundry]

Exactly @Benjispruce4 I'm glad I wasn't treated as someone's chattel

[Benjispruce4]

I think the tradition of parents of the bride paying comes from an era when people married younger and women didn’t earn as much. It was a handing on of the responsibility of daughter to a new male . Thank goodness times have changed!

[Dishwashersaurous]

The only time that a parent should pay for a wedding is if they have chosen the groom. Or if they are insisting on 500 of their choice of guests.

Of course it's not normal for parents to pay.

It's nice to contribute something. Buying the dress or the cake are traditional.

[PurpleButterflyWings]

@WhereDidTheYearsGo

Also the prevailing view is that it would be nice to contribute in some way. I was unsure about whether this would just be seen as an insufficient gesture, but I now feel that it would definitely be the right thing to do and will hopefully be appreciated.

Glad you have decided. As many posters have said - anyone who expects their parents to fully pay for their wedding is an entitled arsehole. MOST people do NOT have the money to do that, and why should they? It may have been a thing many MANY years ago, but now? No.

However, contributing something is nice. (If you are able to.) Many people buy the dress, or the cake, or pay for the photographer and flowers. Or may offer a cash sum towards it .. As I said earlier, my DD's wedding later this year is costing £8,000, and me and DH are contributing £2,000, and her fiancé's parents are also contributing £2000. Then they're paying the remaining £4,000 themselves. EVERYONE is happy with this.

Going wedding dress shopping with her in mid July actually, with her and her cousin (my brother's DD,) and a coupe of her friends. Really excited about it!

[Alaimo]

I'm in my early 30s and got married to my long-term boyfriend relatively recently. Soon after we started planning our wedding both sets of parents offered to contribute about £2k. We didn't expect or ask for a contribution, but without it we probably would have opted for a simpler wedding (our wedding ended up costing about £6k, so still not super extravagant). I think both sets of parents were happy that their contribution enabled us to really have our dream wedding rather than it just upping our flower budget, for example. As an only child, my parents also did not have to consider future contributions to siblings' weddings, which will have also helped.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@WhereDidTheYearsGo

Also the prevailing view is that it would be nice to contribute in some way. I was unsure about whether this would just be seen as an insufficient gesture, but I now feel that it would definitely be the right thing to do and will hopefully be appreciated.

iirc my mother gave us a generous cash gift of 1k we appreciated it very much

[HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow]

My mum bought my dress. My in-laws paid for the cake. Both were gratefully received but not expected.

We had a relatively simple wedding and reception and splashed out on the honeymoon as that was for us. I think having someone else pay for the wedding sometimes results in excessive budgets as it's easier to spend someone else's cash.

We were sensible as we also wanted to buy a house.

Don't feel pressured to pay but it would be nice to pay for something specific as a contribution (with an agreed max spend)

[rookiemere]

Maybe I'm hard and bitter too, but I'd find it difficult to whip up enthusiasm - and a blank cheque - for a big wedding after 12 years together, particularly as the DD appears to be showing no signs of cutting back to afford it herself.

I think the OP sounds pragmatic and sensible - but then we've already established ourselves to be kindred spirits .

[blobby10]

I got married in the early 1990s - both sets of parents were very traditional and mine had told all us siblings that if we got married after living together or got married abroad then they wouldn't pay for the wedding. It was borderline whether we had to still be virgins but we were all in our mid-late 20s when we got married so that would have been a bit mean! At that time it was still usual amongst our circle of family/friends to date for a year or so and then get married and start to live together.

I don't think you are unreasonable to not pay for a the wedding after a 12 year relationship!