To not pay for my daughter's wedding?

[WhereDidTheYearsGo]

Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?

[ThreeRingCircus]

I'm in my mid 30s and don't think I know of any of my friends or family having their weddings paid for by their parents. It seems so old fashioned nowadays.

When DH and I got married my parents bought our wedding cake for us as their gift, which was lovely. My best friend got married last month and her parents had given them some money for the honeymoon. I'd be extremely surprised if your DD is expecting anything other than your presence and if you can afford it, a gift.

[saraclara]

@JinglingHellsBells

You mean YOUR world.

You can't delete or ridicule someone else's experiences, both past and present, just because they are different to yours.

MN is hardly a sample of the whole of society.

If you say I'm not in the real world, then neither are all my friends who have paid for weddings recently, or their DCs, or their DCs friends.

But it IS the situation for most. And this thread demonstrates that. I can come right back at your anecdotal evidence with my own - my DD and all her friends who've got married, have NOT had their parents pay for the wedding.

Most, like me, made a contribution to an element of it, often the dress. But certainly where we live, it's the norm for the couple to assume they're paying and to pay the bulk of it.
I think most couples these days want to have control over their own event, and the waters are muddied if someone else is paying.

[JinglingHellsBells]

@toomuchlaundry

@JinglingHellsBells welcome to the real world

You mean YOUR world.

You can't delete or ridicule someone else's experiences, both past and present, just because they are different to yours.

MN is hardly a sample of the whole of society.

If you say I'm not in the real world, then neither are all my friends who have paid for weddings recently, or their DCs, or their DCs friends.

[toomuchlaundry]

@JinglingHellsBells welcome to the real world

[Trisolaris]

I’m getting married soon so my friends and family are hearing a lot about how expensive weddings are but that isn’t because I expect them to pay, it’s just that’s my reality right now. It might be the same for your daughter. I know my parents are buying my dress and nothing else and I’m more than happy with that - it’s lovely of them to do so.

[JinglingHellsBells]

I am genuinely shocked at some posts here because I've never appreciated that so many couples paid for their own weddings. Maybe it's generational, or even geographical, with some areas of the UK being more traditional. All my DCs friends weddings are currently being paid for by parents and yes, some have got divorced soon afterwards! These are couples who are professionals and earning very good incomes.

I have only one friend who paid for their own wedding in the 1980s and that was because her only parent- her mother- was ill and on benefits and had little money.

All my other friends' parents paid for theirs. Mine was paid for but it cost a pittance and was very modest- a small sit-down lunch at a nice hotel, for a very small number of people. I kept the guest list small, bearing in mind my parents low income.

However, they did regard it as a family event. I had rows with them at the time as they insisted that they invited some of their friends who I didn't especially like. I could easily have afforded to pay for the wedding itself (I bought my own dress and bridesmaid dresses) but my parents saw it as their role to fund the wedding, within their means. My in laws paid the wine bill and provided the cake.

[lilgrimmers]

See now personally I would tell my kids to fuck off as even though they're
my kids if you pay for one wedding you will end up paying for all weddings

[Ticksallboxes]

@Dnaltocs

The brides parents traditionally pay for the wedding. Some save for many years.
You say you don’t have the amount of money to previously had. Why did you not put money aside instead of spending what you did? For whatever reason sadly you didn’t allocate some money to your daughters big day.
Not much to say, you spent the money.

But that was in the days where the average wedding was reasonably modest, before the wedding 'industry' evolved, where everyone is either trying to match or out do their peer group and it all just keeps escalating. You just can't expect any parent, apart from very wealthy ones, to have to pay for that.

My parents wrote a blank cheque for my sister's wedding. She was in the music industry at the time and it was fabulous, but my parents had no other control over it and anyone over 50 felt like a real outsider on the day. My sister was having an affair within six months and they divorced five years later They did the same for me a decade later, but chose the venue and were involved in the guest list - it was their day as much as mine and all the better for being more inclusive.

[juliet1973]

My MIL and FIL paid a lot towards our wedding, and my parents paid for the reception (buffet in our local).

My DH was an only child and I think my in laws were glad to be rid of him! (joke), but my MIL did say that there were no other kids and she wanted to do it.

My Parents had previously paid for my sisters reception and also did the same for my youngest sister, so we didnt find it unusual for them to do it, but we certainly didnt ask.

We also had our own place and our DD when we got married, so to help, family also helped instead of giving us presents. I had bagpipes and drums (DH aunt and Uncle), Cake (my aunt), Flowers (another aunt), cars (uncles), Hair (cousin) among other things. I would never have expected my parents to pay for any of it. The fact that they did was nice though, and the fact that family helped in some small way made it feel more thoughtful, than just buying a gift

Maybe if you want to feel involved, but dont want to contribute money wise, maybe offer to do favours, or something else that involves time but not money.

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

@Dnaltocs

The brides parents traditionally pay for the wedding. Some save for many years.
You say you don’t have the amount of money to previously had. Why did you not put money aside instead of spending what you did? For whatever reason sadly you didn’t allocate some money to your daughters big day.
Not much to say, you spent the money.

Why should parents go without for the sake of a wedding?

[MyLifeJourney]

Always talk.

[Monkey2001]

The cost of weddings goes up and up, although Covid put a bit of a brake on it. Average now £17k. I would offer a financial contribution and keep it same for each child so they can choose what matters to them in the budget. Definitely would not even consider writing a blank cheque for whole event. I think it may also be a bit unfair if not all marry, so maybe tell each child they can have £2k (or whatever you want to give) at a certain age, which you put aside for them for a "life event" such as marriage, first home or first child.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Dnaltocs
The brides parents traditionally pay for the wedding. Some save for many years.
You say you don’t have the amount of money to previously had. Why did you not put money aside instead of spending what you did? For whatever reason sadly you didn’t allocate some money to your daughters big day.

Not much to say, you spent the money.“

what tosh. Married 34, years ago, we paid for everything. There was never any suggestion/expectation of any contribution from respective parents whatsoever.

[Youmeandthem]

I think it’s a nice gesture to offer something but suggest an item such as flowers, dress, cake, cars as you can afford or an amount towards something maybe even the honeymoon. I’m sure anything would be appreciated as a nice gesture.

[VWCV]

@Dnaltocs

The brides parents traditionally pay for the wedding. Some save for many years.
You say you don’t have the amount of money to previously had. Why did you not put money aside instead of spending what you did? For whatever reason sadly you didn’t allocate some money to your daughters big day.
Not much to say, you spent the money.

This is an old fashioned view. Not many brides are 18 year old virgins who have never left home. I don't see why the parents should pay for the whole wedding.

I know someone who paid thousands for their Daughters wedding. They split split up a year later (she went off with someone else). Her poor Mother who was a nervous wreck anyway took it really bad and was quite poorly.

[Honorata45]

Blimey, no you should not. If they want a wedding they can both pay for it. Both my children paid for theirs.

[JinglingHellsBells]

Maybe the way to answer your dilemma @WhereDidTheYearsGo is to ask yourself some questions.

1 If you had £1M in savings, would you pay for / towards the wedding?

2 If your DD had only lived with this man for a year or two, would you contribute to their wedding?

3 If they were saddled with a very high mortgage, in a very pricy part of the country, and couldn't afford much of a wedding, would you contribute?

4 If they had gone to a state school BUT your finances were exactly the same now (few savings, I assume) would you pay for anything?

5 Why is a holiday(s) more important to you than a family wedding which you could pay something towards to help your children?

6 Is this a matter of principle ( I've paid for their education, so that's enough) or is it genuinely that you don't have much in savings and it really is either/ or?

FWIW many of our friends are handing over early inheritances to their DCs and we've done the same - passed on inheritances from inlaws directly to the children towards property. House prices in my area are through the roof. I don't know about where you live, but maybe the conversation needs to be along the lines of 'we can give you £x, do you want to reduce your mortgage or pay for the wedding?'

[sunflowerdaisyrose]

My parents paid and I was grateful. I'll pay for my children's if we can afford it at the time. We were given a set amount of money, we spent less than they gave us on ours, my sister spent more and therefore funded it themselves.

I'd give them a financial contribution or a budget for the dress that you're willing to contribute (and she can pay if it's more) as otherwise she may feel restricted with what she can look at. My dress was more than my self imposed budget but decided to sell it after to get some of the money back.

Everyone knows where they stand then.

[LuaDipa]

I would want to contribute to my dc’s wedding (I have a ds and dd and agree that it’s old fashioned to only help with a dd’s wedding). In their circles, with many of their friends having gone to independent school with them very few will be footing the bill with no support from the parents.

I also very much dislike the ‘we paid for private school so my bit is done’ narrative. In most cases the kids didn’t ask for that or expect it, it was a decision taken by the parents. It’s pretty nasty to then say that because you did that ‘for them’ you never have to offer any help again. We pay for school for our kids but that was our choice. We’ll still be helping as much as we can as they grow up because they are our kids and that’s what parents do.

[LondonMrsA]

Times have changed. Parents don’t pay for Weddings any more. Nor do they give dowries (not in most British cultures, anyway).

It sounds like they already live together? So you’re not handing over the naive blushing Bride to her new family(!)

A Wedding can be as expensive or as inexpensive as the couple choose.

We have friends who spent thousands. We have friends who went to the local Registry Office and then hired a Pub for the afternoon and evening.

When we married in 2009, my parents (retired) paid for a lovely Hotel for our Wedding night. My husband’s parents (who are comfortably off) paid for the Buffet in the evening and Tickets for our Honeymoon. We were equally grateful for all of these gifts.

We had saved for our Wedding. Looking back, whilst it was a wonderful day, we got swept up in the hype. I’d have been just as happy with a Registry Office and Pub. (And having all of that money for holidays in the years afterward!)

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.
Stop worrying and enjoy being involved in such a happy occasion.

N.B. *I mean no disrespect to any other cultures.

[IndiaRose22]

I was very fortunate in that my dad bought my dress and my mum and stepdad, and PILs, each gave a sum, but I never asked, nor would I have. If you are going to offer to buy a dress I would give a value you are willing to pay up to too, as obviously prices vary massively! I got mine from Wed2B and loved it.

[soberfabulous]

i didn't ask my parents for a penny when i got married - it never crossed my mind to! do parents still pay for weddings?

[Senegal1]

We got married twenty two years ago . We were in our thirties and living together . We didn’t ask our families to pay for the wedding
(Anyway that seems very old fashioned)
if they haven’t asked you to contribute don’t worry. However as pleased parents you could ask how the wedding plans are going and if they do ask for a contribution be as honest as you can.. This might help them to manage any expectations they might have regarding you paying or helping to pay for their wedding. .

[Caelan2018]

We paid for own wedding but nothing parents gave decent cash amounts as presents on day of wedding