Rude wedding invite

[BatFink260]

AIBU to think this wedding invite comes across as intentionally luke warm? From my cousin whom I always thought I had a good relationship with, if not a close one. We live in the same city, I received the following via text:

“Hey BatFink,

I’m getting married in two weeks’ time.

Obviously you’re invited but I do understand with baby you may not want to come

The wedding will be at such and such church at such and such time, followed by dinner at 6pm”

That was all. As I say we’re not close but grew up together and see each other a few times a year. It doesn’t seem like a genuine invitation to me at all. Thoughts?

[pinkyredrose]

Just call her and clarify. If you're close you should be able to talk about it

[BatFink260]

@Rococococo

I read “obviously you’re invited” as “obviously I’m obliged to invite you”. It sounds like she’s hoping you take the hint and say no.

Yes, this is how I’ve read it too.

[BatFink260]

@girlmom21

We have always been friendly and she actually lived with us until she was 2

That's irrelevant. She'll have no recollection of that at all, and you're not close as adults.

It’s not irrelevant for me.

[WTF475878237NC]

I read it as "realised your mum hasn't actually invited you as I wanted" that's why it's short notice.

[Flittingaboutagain]

I think this is fine. Most invites even to closer family have been on the phone so a text seems fine to me. I just sent a what's app to family when we had a low key wedding. Why the need for persuasive writing? Surely you just get invited, no need to coax someone into coming.

[CheesyWeez]

Your cousin thought you were already invited by your aunt and so is asking you now at short notice, and doesn't want to pressure you. That's my take. Get a babysitter, go, and enjoy yourself.

I'd send NoSquirrels' message "Oh, that’s lovely cousin, I wasn’t expecting..."

Enjoy.

[Rococococo]

I read “obviously you’re invited” as “obviously I’m obliged to invite you”. It sounds like she’s hoping you take the hint and say no.

[Lunificent]

You know her and you know how close you both are so make a decision based on that.
Go if you want to, and you’re fond of this person.
Don't go if you could take it or leave it and you’re not that close.

[chesirecat99]

My parents live locally and we’re invited before me, via telephone, by my aunt, as in my cousin’s mum.

TBF, that is pretty unusual way of inviting someone to a wedding too.

I would give her the benefit of doubt as it seems there are no formal invitations. It could be lack of planning. It all seems a bit disorganised and random, her mum calling your parents, a last minute text to you... It could be that they thought of the social media announcement as a "save the date" notice and they've assumed everyone who is invited would "know" they are invited, and they are only just getting round to confirming details.

But then, my ex forgot to post our wedding invitations until less than 2 weeks before the wedding so maybe I am projecting...

[TalkingCat]

I think she wants a childfree wedding but didn't know how to tell you/thought you would kick off so that's probably why she didn't invite you at first.

It's sad you were an afterthought and she couldn't have been honest with you at the start about the childfree wedding.

[Bizawit]

You are completely over thinking it. If your parents were invited by aunt via phone, then it’s obviously not the type of wedding with formal invitations a year in advance etc. sounds like she is being relaxed and polite- letting you know that of course you are invited but you shouldn’t feel obliged to attend if it’s difficult with the baby. Which is exactly what she says. Why wouldn’t you just take it at face value?

[yousexybugger]

I wouldn't overthink it if you have a good relationship. Yes, 2 weeks is a bit short notice for a church wedding but it sounds like all the invitations are quite informal if your parents were invited by phone so it's not as though you weren't sent a gold plated card. It's a bit no frills in the wording, yes, but maybe she wanted to keep it breezy as you have the baby and not make it a big obligation?

Other maybes are that she thought your parents had been asked to pass the message on or yes, a close friend has dropped out and she now has space to ask you. I wouldn't take this amiss. Just decide whether you want to go and take it from there.

Could you call her and ask if it includes the baby, then gauge from her replies if you want to go?

[NoSquirrels]

Maybe kill her with kindness as others have suggested?

“Oh, that’s lovely cousin, I wasn’t expecting an invite because I assumed you were tight on numbers and brother/sister not invited so it’s really nice to get this. We’d love to come if we can sort a babysitter, even if it’s just to see the ceremony. Hope you are not too stressed by wedding prep” etc etc

[girlmom21]

@viques

I would text back and ask what the menu is for the dinner.


then text back and say sorry, you don’t fancy it………

That's really funny 😂

[girlmom21]

We have always been friendly and she actually lived with us until she was 2

That's irrelevant. She'll have no recollection of that at all, and you're not close as adults.

[IncessantNameChanger]

My sister invited me to her birthday with wording not dissimilar. It was clear my kids weren't welcome. At the end of the day it only comes down to if you want to go or not. If childcare and distance is a balance to arrange then its perfectly valid to decline.

It sucks to know your an afterthought.

[viques]

I would text back and ask what the menu is for the dinner.


then text back and say sorry, you don’t fancy it………

[DancingUnderTheLights]

I think the wording is fine but sending it by text 2 weeks before definitely gives it a context where I would be doubting if they wanted me there.

[BatFink260]

@NoSquirrels

“Obviously you’re invited” - with 2 week’s notice by text and a distinct lack of persuasive words

I’d politely decline, I suppose. Sad if you’ve always been friendly though.

Yes this is what I thought. Distinctly lacking any warmth. Yes it is sad. We have always been friendly and she actually lived with us until she was 2 due to her mum being very ill for a long time at the time.

[BatFink260]

Thanks everyone, a range of perspectives to consider. I don’t think I’ll be going though.

[thing47]

I have a slightly different take on this, I think she's saying 'I didn't invite you because I don't want your baby to come but I didn't know quite how to tell you that without offending you'.

Maybe someone has pointed out that she could invite you and let you decide whether you want to attend without your baby – some people are happy to do that and others wouldn't dream of it, we see that difference of opinion all the time on MN.

Anyway, I agree with those saying if you fancy it, go. If you don't then just politely decline. I don't think there's any reason to overthink it.

[NoSquirrels]

“Obviously you’re invited” - with 2 week’s notice by text and a distinct lack of persuasive words

I’d politely decline, I suppose. Sad if you’ve always been friendly though.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@BatFink260

Sorry, to give more context; wedding has been planned at least a few months in advance, church was booked back in Jan, I know this as it was announced on social media. I’m not sure how many guests there will be. My siblings haven’t been invited, they live hundreds of miles away, not sure if that was a factor. My parents live locally and we’re invited before me, via telephone, by my aunt, as in my cousin’s mum.

Baby wasn’t directly invited and is 18 months.

So your aunt had the job of inviting you guys, she invited you parents. Cousins just realised aunt hadn't Inc you. Cousins saying of course you're invited but it's short notice and you have a little kid (who isn't) so I get it if it's a no. She prob should have said "my mom was meant to make it clear yo u were invited, I thought she had, we've just talked about people accepting and realised no one had actually told you, so sorry" but it sounds like a mistake not her making up the numbers.

[WeAllHaveWings]

the "Obviously you're invited" makes me think there has been a problem somewhere with invites rather than B list - maybe your aunt forgot, or she was meant to tell your mum, or your mum was told and forgot/misheard and there has been a bit of discussion about it in the background.

If you are close to her just pick up the phone and ask. Nothing wrong with saying - just got your text, honestly wasn't expecting to be invited as I know you are tight with numbers, what's happening your text makes you sound stressed out, is everything ok?

Decide if you want to go or not, the baby and short notice gives you a get out if needed.

[ShandaLear]

Some people dropped out and you’re handy so you’ve been offered a spot. None of your siblings were invited so you probably weren’t expecting an invitation anyway. I think this is quite nice given you don’t know each other that well. Take it in the spirit in which it’s intended - no pressure because of the short notice, but if you want to go along and catch up with relatives and have a few drinks then go and enjoy yourself. Yes, you’re a back up but she didn’t have to invite you at all.