Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Moral dilemma about xmas
339

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

PlumManor · 06/12/2021 06:39

I wouldn’t say a word or have a conscience over it.

I don’t tell my family when I book sneaky days off as you can absolutely guarantee they will find something to fill that day for me to do or somewhere to go.

I stay quiet and enjoy the peace.

Please
or
to access all these features

HighlandCowbag · 06/12/2021 06:37

I would compromise and work the 3rd day. That way its not worth going to inlaws but you get the 2 days off. Just don't tell him it's an option for having it unpaid.

Please
or
to access all these features

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 06/12/2021 06:36

DH is a cyclist
That’s all I need to know. Take the break. And make sure you take more in future.

Please
or
to access all these features

madisonbridges · 06/12/2021 06:31

How would you feel if he said, I'm working away for a week so could you have the kids? And you agreed. Then he rang when he got there and said, actually I never had any work here. I've a booked a week's holiday and I'm going cycling.
If you'd shrug and say, good for you, then you might have a case for lying. If you'd be cross, then you should tell him the truth.

Please
or
to access all these features

Wotsitsits · 06/12/2021 06:31

Taking 3 days secretly to yourself isn't going to change the pattern of him taking the piss and you being burnt out OP.

He has abdicated responsibility and you're letting him

Please
or
to access all these features

violetbunny · 06/12/2021 06:29

Won't he find out you were off though, given it's going to be unpaid? Or are your finances not joined?

Please
or
to access all these features

MomOfBoyz2 · 06/12/2021 06:29

I would totally take the break!
And not say a word until the day and then I'd make out that the Rota was messed up and I've not got to work.. oops!
Enjoy some time to yourself you deserve it!

Please
or
to access all these features

couchparsnip · 06/12/2021 06:26

You absolutely deserve to take days off over Christmas. You have earned them. If your DH won't let you rest then don't tell him your plans. Will he ask anyway?
It's not lying if he doesn't ask what you plan to do while he's away.

Most of the people saying not to lie probably have nicer ILs and more reasonable partners.

Please
or
to access all these features

GoodnightGrandma · 06/12/2021 06:22

Do it. I wouldn’t want to visit my DH’s family either !
I haven’t seen any of them since a funeral 5 years ago, and that’s the way I like it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Sorchamarie · 06/12/2021 06:12

This is a no brainer for sure. Definitely do it!

Please
or
to access all these features

ProperVexed · 06/12/2021 06:07

Don't tell him. But on the "working days" say that you were allowed to come home early as it was quiet.

Please
or
to access all these features

GAHgamel · 06/12/2021 05:52

Have a chat with your colleagues about what it's usually like in your office between Christmas and New Year. If it's generally not that busy, because the vast majority of staff/clients/customers are off on holiday, then I'd work then and carry the leave forward. With a lot less scope for interruptions you'll probably get a lot more done than you would otherwise. Then use those carried forward days to take some time off as soon as the kids have gone back to school, so you can have some guaranteed time to yourself.

Please
or
to access all these features

JuJuPanda · 06/12/2021 05:17

I'd take the break but I'd tell my DH the truth. Why are you married to him OP? Do you like him?

Please
or
to access all these features

readingismycardio · 06/12/2021 05:14

Definitely do it, but don't lie to him...

Please
or
to access all these features

aloris · 06/12/2021 05:09

Well I would lean on the side of telling him, because I do think lying would cause problems and make an already problematic situation more so.

At the root of your problem, as you describe it, is that if he knows about your plan, then he will likely punish you by his reaction, to ensure you go with him. And yet he himself has had, not one, but three separate hobby holidays (on his own) for a total of six weeks during the pandemic, while you have had two weeks "holiday" looking after the children without him. That is very unequal, and for him to get upset about your staying behind, would be very controlling on his part. Essentially, the dynamic you describe is that he takes holidays as he wishes but exerts veto power over your holidays to prevent you from having the same rest as he gets. That is not ok.

I think this is a big marriage issue and if it's not resolved in a way that is fair to you then it's probably not a great sign for the marriage. Lying about it only delays that discussion but also means when you DO discuss it, you put yourself in the wrong and give him ammunition to further control or blame you. I don't think things can really go on like this indefinitely, it's too unequal and unfair. If talking about it is going to be a big conflict (which it probably will), then I think you should try to make choices that keep the argument simple: you have supported him in having holidays from the rigors of family life, and if your marriage is to survive then he needs to reciprocate that. Don't add factors like lying that will muddy the waters.

Please
or
to access all these features

PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/12/2021 05:02

I wouldn’t lie to him because that would suggest you are doing something you are ashamed of, like having an affair (not that people necessarily should be ashamed of affairs, but you know what I mean),
But I would definitely tell him you want a couple of days rest and if he gets the hump remind him of his trips.

Don’t fall into the trap I did of being automatically expected to visit his mother every time he did, despite the fact she’s never liked me, so now if he goes without me she adds it to the reasons to complain to him about me (23 years down the line).

Please
or
to access all these features

AngeloMysterioso · 06/12/2021 04:50

Take the time off, and if you really feel you have to tell your DH, wait til he’s already left Grin

Please
or
to access all these features

mathanxiety · 06/12/2021 04:47

He’s behaving as though a week away with the DC will put him in the running for “man of the year” at the moment.

That's OK. There's only a little bit of the year left. He'll have to start all over again when 2022 rolls around.

Tell him you're not going with him and that you'll be taking a few days off for your own rest.

If he kicks up a stink, emphasise that you have facilitated his breaks over the last twelve months and you expect cheerful reciprocity on his part.

If there is still visible resentment on his part, then try to book the two of you into marriage counseling.

Please
or
to access all these features

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/12/2021 04:47

@aloris

"DH still thinks I iron his non-iron shirts.
I haven't for the last 15 years, but he doesn't need to know this."

Still working on finishing the thread but just had to give this some applause. Brilliant!

still after 5 hours, trying to work out why he expects anyone but him to iron his shirts at all. And wh y you finding a "work around" is somehow a win.

My son has Cerebal Palsy and still irons when needed.....was your husband born without arms?
Please
or
to access all these features

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/12/2021 04:46

Tell him about the holiday after he had departed with the kids - unless there is any chance he'd be able to pressure you into joining him, in which case keep quiet altogether. Yes, tell him the extra leave was a last-minute announcement if you need to, otherwise keep it vague.

You probably do need to get it out there, but only after you have had the break and when he gets back from visiting his horrible parents. Otherwise there's every chance either he will guilt trip you into visiting them or he will have been talking to them about it and blaming you. Or both.

Please
or
to access all these features

aloris · 06/12/2021 04:37

"DH still thinks I iron his non-iron shirts.
I haven't for the last 15 years, but he doesn't need to know this."

Still working on finishing the thread but just had to give this some applause. Brilliant!

Please
or
to access all these features

Ragwort · 06/12/2021 04:33

Of course you should take the break, and is your DH really going to quiz you about how many days AL you get and what you are doing with them? You not telling a "lie" you are just choosing not to tell him you get the extra days.
And if he does, just stay firm ... if necessary remind him he's had his 'breaks' and now you need your's. My DH hasn't got a clue how many days AL I have and what I do with them ... but then he's not an unreasonable twat who expects me to spend my free time with him or his family.

Please
or
to access all these features

DustyMaiden · 06/12/2021 04:30

You think your wishes are reasonable so tell him. Lying to get your own way is not reasonable. I’m surprised how many think it is.

Please
or
to access all these features

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 06/12/2021 04:24

@Wingedharpy

Serendipity OP.
This opportunity has come about through an honest assumption on your part.
DH accepted the situation and has made his own arrangements accordingly.
Don't upset the apple cart now and upset everyone's plans.
Wave them off, crack open the Baileys and enjoy your rest.

Truth, can be overrated IMHOXmas Wink

DH still thinks I iron his non-iron shirts.
I haven't for the last 15 years, but he doesn't need to know this.

Every single word of this is very wise (except for Baileys Grin)!

Seriously OP, if there would be a big drama then use your head, say nothing and take a very well deserved quietness break. Rather than break the marriage it may save it!
Please
or
to access all these features

daisychain01 · 06/12/2021 04:16

@WouldIBeATwat

No bother covering school hols.

DH is a cyclist and has done 3 major cycle trips (1000 miles each, taking 2 weeks each time, plus all the training (2 hrs per day for around 2 months before hand)) in the last 2 years and has another planned for March. I’ve facilitated all of that, missing out on my own workouts to give him that time.

So your DH has done all this, but you're worried about him being really offended by not wanting to go to stay with his rowdy family.
Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?