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Moral dilemma about xmas

339 replies

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

OP's posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Fairylights25 · 06/12/2021 07:32

Okay ~ well I think op has made it clear she does not have the energy to get into the inevitable row that will be caused by her stating her needs, which she is more than entitled to given how generous she has been with his bloody hobby.

I can't actually believe his hobby is taking precedence over your well being op, but that is a whole new thread.

I would do this, pack them all off on boxing day with cheery waves and generous presents for the grandparents. On the 28th or 29th drop him a text and tell him that you have been given the option of a few days off, and as you are feeling sick from exhaustion you will be taking them. If he requests you join them, tell him you are simply not well enough. Then you haven't lied, nor have you misled him you have just changed the time frame.

I would do absolutely nothing but the most lovely things for you and bask in the peace and tranquility.

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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 07:30

I like @44PumpLanes suggestion. Work one of the days and that way you're not really lying.

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Dozer · 06/12/2021 07:30

Not a ‘moral dilemma’. A relationship issue.

YANBU to take the time off and not travel to visit family, when you’re exhausted. YABU to lie about it.

Your H would be U to give you a hard time over your choice.

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FutureHope · 06/12/2021 07:30

Take the break.

To get through the next year - when your DH will presumably continuing to ask for your support - you will need it.

You will regret it if you don’t. Plan some restful and lovely things for you.

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HugeAckmansWife · 06/12/2021 07:28

hearts and clubs your 'what if it was the DH posting this' attempt is ridiculous. It misses out the rather salient point that the DH has fucked off for weeks at a time for his hobby leaving the op to run the show and she's had no holiday for two years. It's not JUST about this particular week. If a woman came in and said 'I leave my DH to look after all the kids for 6 weeks a year so I can do X hobby and now he's lied about his annual leave to get some time to himself instead of visiting his toxic MIL' no, I don't think she'd get support. OP do it, lie or don't, but if you do, I'd tell him when he gets back and tell him why. And tell him next year or annual leave will be used at least 50% for YOU to have a break and not just facilitate him.

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44PumpLane · 06/12/2021 07:27

Take the break, take the break, take the break!!
Honestly do whatever you can to facilitate a relax for you, it sounds like you need it.

If it makes you feel better about life, work the Wednesday then there would be no point travelling as you'd have to be back for work and you'd still get a decent stint of relaxation with no drop in salary, personally I'd just do the whole 3 days off and bask in the glorious silence!

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Tulips21 · 06/12/2021 07:26

Sound like he will kick off knowing you are choosing not to go and won't understand he has had a lot of time to himself but you have'nt.
If he will kick off dont bother telling him and enjoy your rest.
Or tell him and dont engage in any debate bit still enjoy your time off.
Personally, I wouldnt tell him - He sounds a bit selfish and wont understand your need for a break.

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ChaToilLeam · 06/12/2021 07:26

Do you think he would sabotage your break somehow? If so, then I would have no compunction about lying. Top priority is: you need a bloody break after running yourself ragged for two years. Your husband is a selfish git, but I don’t think you have the energy to confront this yet.

Morals and honesty be damned. You need a break. Deal with any fall out later, you have a cast-iron excuse for being economical with the truth. You can always say that work required you to take some leave, you weren’t allowed to carry it over this year.

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RowanAlong · 06/12/2021 07:23

Sounds like you really really need it. I’d take it, and enjoy. I wouldn’t think you were a terrible person if just this once you didn’t mention the ins and outs to DH, if otherwise you are generally in a loving and happy relationship.

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1234comeonbaby · 06/12/2021 07:22

I think be honest and tell him. But, dont go for a week. Thats too long. three nights max. Especially if staying at somebody's house

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 07:19

You deserve a break, for sure. If I were you, whether or not I would take it would depend on 1) age of the children. If they are young and would miss me/be sad about my absence then I wouldn’t be able to do it 2) how much I was willing to argue. Because OF COURSE you have to tell him. You need to just tell him and stick to your guns and he needs to suck it up given all the breaks he’s had. It would ruin my marriage and all the trust if my husband did this to me, and I’m amazed at how many people are saying “lie because he won’t like it if he finds out”. That’s the principle used by adulterers ffs it’s completely unacceptable to lie and if someone came on here and explained their husband had lied to get out of Christmas with their in laws and have a mini holiday at home everyone would shrieking LTB!

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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 07:18

@tangyandsalty from what we've heard so far about the H, I'd lay good money on him a) not ringing up and b) not asking that or any other question of the OP.

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tangyandsalty · 06/12/2021 07:16

But what happens if he rings you when he's away and asks "how was work today?" It's one thing omitting the truth but then you'd have to carry on lying, which I couldn't deal with.

I'd just tell him you're exhausted and you're staying home, and deal with him getting offended!

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Eddielzzard · 06/12/2021 07:12

Definitely do it. You need time to yourself too.

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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 07:11

Is there another option where you stay at home and work as planned - will still be 1000x more relaxing without childcare or many household chores ? But only if you take the time off for yourself at another time, which I sense you won't.

Where is your righteous rage in all of this? why let your H disappear for weeks on end for solo holidays when you both chose to have a family? When he acts like he is father of the year for one solo week of parenting- and let's face it his DM will pick up the slack with you not being there - why don't you say, do another 5 weeks and we're even ?

Book something for yourself in 2022, no matter what happens over this Christmas break. Your H takes you for granted and you've allowed it to happen. I couldn't love or respect a man who put that much of a burden on me.

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Beautiful3 · 06/12/2021 07:05

Yes do it. Tell him a few days into it, while he's there that they've allowed your leave as its so quiet! That way you're not lying and it's too late to go.

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crystaltips98 · 06/12/2021 07:03

Could you see the inlaws for a couple of days and get the train home by yourself?

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Frankzappa22 · 06/12/2021 07:01

Just seen about the multiple cycling holidays. Definitely take the break!! Ideally not lying to your DH though. I just think it might end up stressing you out. How about waiting to tell him after he’s already told his family you’re working, then he doesn’t have to lie to them as they will assume you’re still working

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gingerbiscuits · 06/12/2021 06:56

Having read all your updates, he sounds like a complete twat! I'd 100% take a few days for yourself!! You're not short-changing your children in any way & you clearly deserve the break. I'm normally a 'truth is best' advocate but your husband continually buggering off, for large chunks of time, to indulge his hobby, for weeks at a time, while you look after the children & hold down a full time, stressful job...well, he can get stuffed!! And as for him thinking he deserves some sort of parenting award for actually just parenting for a few days...words fail me.

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Beachgirl33 · 06/12/2021 06:56

Hello OP. I totally get it having been working flat out in public sector for whole of pandemic. You need a break. I was going to say tell your husband the truth and get him to say you’re working to his family to save the grief. However, doesn’t sound like he would do that and would expect you to go and suck it up. Don’t. Take the time off. But nice food. Laze about. Relax. Read a book. Watch crappy telly. Do whatever helps you recharge. And most of all - enjoy xFlowers

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WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 06/12/2021 06:50

@oviraptor21

Given the circumstances, I think it's actually quite helpful to tell him.
Kind of kills two birds with one stone
a) yes it's OK for you to go off on your cycling jollies but I deserve some time to myself too
b) I've already told you I'm not prepared to accept your family any more. I won't be going with you.
Gets you out of this tiptoeing around him mode you seem to have got into it.

Agree with this.
If you tell them after they've gone, there'll be constant calls trying to get you to follow them and/or the mother of all sulks when they're back home.
The alternative is maintaining the lie and also prolonging the situation in your home where he gets to set the agenda.

Tell him now so he has a chance to get used to it (i.e. can't pretend it was sprung on him). Make it clear it's non-negotiable, if he ever wants you to facilitate one of his cycling jaunts again.
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NumberTheory · 06/12/2021 06:48

I voted YANBU on the basis of the first post but was going to encourage you to tell him. Subsequent posts make me think you should still take the time but that telling him wasn't a priority. Thinking about the state of your relationship should be. You may be in denial about how bad the state of your marriage is. You don't actually say you're happily married so maybe your eyes are wide open and you're just biding your time. But you sound like you are constantly putting your needs behind your DHs because he makes it so much work for you to fight for equal standing and you sound like you are, if not resentful, at least well aware of the disparity.

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HeartsAndClubs · 06/12/2021 06:46

Can you imagine the thread here if someone posted that they’d gone away with the kids leaving DH behind because he had to work and that they subsequently found out he’d taken the time off without telling them? Posters would be saying he’s probably seeing someone else and to get ducks in a row etc.

There are clearly bigger issues at play here, but none of these are going to be resolved by continuing to perpetuate dishonesty and lack of communication.

You need to have a frank discussion with your DH about the inequality within your relationship and how that needs to be resolved. If that isn’t possible then I would be reconsidering the whole relationship.

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speakout · 06/12/2021 06:45

Don;t go.Be honest.
He needs to knw you need a break.
Let him get shirty if he wants to.

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OhamIreally · 06/12/2021 06:40

If you tell him he might decide not to go, or to come back early. And, oh, since you're at home anyway you won't mind if I go out cycling will you? Thanks love.

Take the break. Reframe it in your mind that you have decided you need a break.

I understand what PP are saying about lying but just view it to yourself that you have agency in this.

If he finds out simply say you realised you were exhausted and decided to take a break.

Word of warning you may get ill when you finally stop - always happens to me.

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