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Moral dilemma about xmas
339

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Cactusandmarshmallows · 06/12/2021 09:02

I’d work the days and carry the leave. I’ve done that before when dcs and dh have gone to the in-laws and it’s still relaxing. Evenings feel so much longer when you only have to look after yourself!

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Iloveacurry · 06/12/2021 09:00

Work one day and have take the other two as holiday, and don’t say anything to him.

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fluffi · 06/12/2021 08:52

Given you've been working non stop for 2 years you definitely need a break. Take the time off and relax at home in peace. Don't tell DH if its going to cause more hassle.

I also like @VimFuego101 approach of letting DH know that work said have the time off after he has arrived at his family ... assuming that you can't / it wouldn't be reasonable to travel up by yourself. Obviously don't do this if you think they will try to get you to go there.

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C8H10N4O2 · 06/12/2021 08:51

He goes full “little boy” when with his family

And he cheerfully goes off on holidays knowing you haven't had a break for two years?

You should be able to tell him you need the break and are taking it without it being an issue. If, after two years with no break whilst he has been off on jollies he really thinks you should spend your time sucking up three days with his family then you have a DH problem don't you?

So is the real issue that he will make a fuss about you having a break because fundamentally you don't have an equal or fair relationship?

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MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/12/2021 08:49

you had a two week break - most people have breaks with their kids.

i dont think you should lie
perhaps you could tell a white lie,
last minute leave

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user1471554720 · 06/12/2021 08:46

**Do you have a good relationship? Could you really enjoy the break knowing that you’d lied about it to your husband?

On the other hand, do you have the energy to 'fight your corner', being honest with dh even if it leads to a huge argument which leaves you feeling drained.

It is all very well and good being honest and decent if you are dealing with decent people. How will you feel if you take the break but can't enjoy it because dh fought so much.

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Tal45 · 06/12/2021 08:44

Just tell him. He can be as upset/disappointed as he likes. You were probably upset/disappointed that you spent your summer holiday at home with the kids while he went off cycling. You don't have to be confrontational just tell him you really need a break, you find his family difficult and so you're just going to have a bit of time home alone while he goes.

PS next time he goes cycling in the summer holidays make sure you plan a holiday for you and the kids at the same time.

It seems to me that he expects things all his own way and sulks when he doesn't get it so you let him get what he wants. Time for him to grow up a bit I think.

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ThinWomansBrain · 06/12/2021 08:38

Don't lie about it - whether it's his family or whatever - he needs to know and understand that if it's OK for him to use leave for solo cycling trips, then it's perfectly OK to use your leave for time to yourself - with or without the challenging work changes.
If his family are so ghastly, maybe the twattishness & entitlement is genetic.

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thedefinitionofmadness · 06/12/2021 08:37

@WouldIBeATwat

My 2 week break in the summer was spent with the DCs while he was off cycling with his mates. So I didn’t really get a holiday.

There's your answer and no need to lie about it. Take the time for yourself. He does
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Lavender24 · 06/12/2021 08:35

I wouldn't go to visit people for that long even if I liked them. He's being massively unreasonable expecting you to go. They're his family.

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arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2021 08:30

Having read some more replies now, I've changed my mind. If you think telling him will sabotage your plans, then don't.

But...do have a very frank discussion with him afterwards.

Yours is a perfectly perfectly reasonable request - you're asking for 2 days off to do what you want in, in the same way that he's had many more days off to do what he wants in.

In a good, balanced, fair relationship, there shouldn't be any worry whatsoever with this.

(Be aware - you'll find the days to yourself glorious, heavenly bliss. It might make you question getting it EOW. )

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Cornonthecobblers · 06/12/2021 08:24

I think it’s a shame that you feel you have to lie to your dh in order to have yourself a break, you certainly deserve one, especially if he’s gone on breaks himself. Sounds like you married a selfish baby. The term “dont sweat the small stuff” springs to mind but I sense this is not a small thing to you and you will really benefit from time to yourself.
However I also think it’s highly advisable to be honest with your dh. What happens if you forget next year and say you get the Christmas bank holidays off. You’ve been married 20 years so you know the best way to tell him that you’re not going to be visiting his family this year, he’s going to have to be big enough and grown up enough to accept that.

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SwanShaped · 06/12/2021 08:24

Sounds like it’s always about him and his needs.

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SwanShaped · 06/12/2021 08:24

Oh my god just take the time off! Tell him afterwards if you want to. Don’t let him sabotage your time off.

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cptartapp · 06/12/2021 08:22

Was he worrying about you being 'offended' when he went off on his cycling trips leaving you with the DC? I'm not sure I understand why you would be at all bothered that he might be offended now. You put your own wants first. Not his or his family. Like he does..
Strange.
Take the trip and if he kicks off you have much bigger concerns.

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Jota67 · 06/12/2021 08:22

Say nothing. Take the rest.

Next year you need to reset the balance in your relationship and be less available for swanning off for his cycling.

He sounds like a selfish arse

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bluelemming · 06/12/2021 08:19

@GorgonzolaSouffle

Stay quiet and take the break

This
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Liz1tummypain · 06/12/2021 08:17

Work out how you'll put it if he found out and then go for the break. I don't think a reasonable partner would begrudge it.

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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 08:12

Oh yes @Shodan good spot that he'd likely avoid taking the DCs if OP wasn't coming. Keep schtum OP, work the middle day as a compromise if it makes you feel better.

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arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2021 08:12

As absolutely everyone has said, take the time off to rest 100%.

The fact that you need to lie about it, is bad.

I am, happily, divorced now but one thing I've decided in any relationship I have in the future, is I won't be sucking up things that upset me, as that's where resentment/bitterness builds. I'll be calling them out (in a nice way) on it all. 'Just to let you know, I've got an extra few days leave, so im taking them to chill at home over Christmas. I need the break.'

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Shodan · 06/12/2021 08:09

I would do this, pack them all off on boxing day with cheery waves and generous presents for the grandparents. On the 28th or 29th drop him a text and tell him that you have been given the option of a few days off, and as you are feeling sick from exhaustion you will be taking them. If he requests you join them, tell him you are simply not well enough. Then you haven't lied, nor have you misled him you have just changed the time frame.

Yeah I'd do this too. I get that lying to your partner is Wrong and Bad and all of that, but in this particular case I can't help but feel that OP's DH would do his best to sabotage her week off- either by constant rows/whining about how awful she is for not wanting to go and visit his delightful family, or he'll find things for her to do while he's away, or possibly might even say there's no need for him to take the kids when she's at home now to look after them, especially if he likes to revert to boyhood when he's with his family.

I do agree that the relationship issues need to be addressed though- but OP you can best do this when when you're more rested. A week's peace and quiet will go a long way to achieving this.

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Staryflight445 · 06/12/2021 08:06

‘ So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working)’


Wrong on all levels op, the pair of you need to step back and assess how you both don’t respect one another.

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givemepiece · 06/12/2021 08:03

As a PP suggested, I would work that third day. My white lie would be omitting the fact it had been offered as unpaid holiday. That way you can't travel to the family and you get some lovely days rest !

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zafferana · 06/12/2021 08:03

Take the time for yourself OP. If you're really exhausted and burnt out the last thing you need is to spend 10 hours in a car going to visit people you don't even like. I couldn't imagine being married to someone who didn't understand that, but if your DH doesn't, then keep it to yourself. The important thing is to put yourself first - middle-aged women are generally rubbish at this! Take this time for yourself.

And thank you for all your hard work during the pandemic Flowers

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MsTSwift · 06/12/2021 08:02

Yes this seems to be a symptom of a deeper issue. I would just say I’m not coming as I need a rest and you’ve had loads of cycling trips but then my Dh not a dick.

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