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Moral dilemma about xmas
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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

rookiemere · 06/12/2021 11:13

Ok your update makes much more sense OP, especially the number and timing of cycling trips.

What do you think he'd do/say if you told him the truth? I'd possibly leave the bit about not getting on with his family out of it and focus more on the exhausted need a break as not had one and been propping the household up a lot this year due to your 6 weeks of cycling trips.

As your DCs are tweens you are getting to the stage of considering what life will be like once they've flown the nest. Do you honestly see yourselves remaining together in the long term, or was that mostly about providing a stable home for the DCs ?

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DratThatCat · 06/12/2021 11:08

I would not even think twice about lying. Do it.

I am in a very similar situation and am seriously considering coming down with a virus on boxing day. Like your DH, my DH would be upset and offended that I didnt want to spend time with his family.

As a pp said, self care always.

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RedToothBrush · 06/12/2021 11:08

You are in a convenience arrangement to him. Not a partnership.

Reflect on that. You don't have a good relationship - he fails to see that you are exhausted, expects you to facilitate his jollies and doesn't understand how his family upset you and instead blackmails you over it.

Tell him what you are doing and why, and if he has a problem with that it says I huge amount about how he respects, values and cares about you and thats even more reason for you to spend time alone to reflect on this. Spell it out to him that a week at his family is a dealbreaker.

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Sunnymummy8 · 06/12/2021 11:04

I voted YABU.. only because I think you should be honest.. but not for the fact that you need some time to recharge.. that’s YANBU.. enjoy what every you decide

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diddl · 06/12/2021 11:03

He knows that you don't like his parents, you haven't seen them for years but he would be offended that you could go but didn't?

What?

That's some kind of crazy!

Give him the same consideration that he gives you-none at all!

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DifferentHair · 06/12/2021 11:01

You have deeper issues with your DH.

You should tell him you are taking a break at home and if you don't like his reaction, argue it out with him.

You're absolutely entitled to a break, especially as he has had many. If he get angry, you should get angrier.

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GloriaSicTransitMundi · 06/12/2021 10:57

Cattipuss
Work a day in the middle and have the others off? Then you are being honest when you say gosh how incontinent I have to work right in the middle so it makes it unworkable to join you. And then you aren't using a day over your leave entitlement, aren't lying to him but get time to yourself.

I've read all the posts - with DC being tweens, and the ILs being twats with DH reverting to little boy when he's with them, I think you should follow Cattipus' suggestion above, and take the time for yourself. Except maybe the incontinent bit Grin

You say your marriage is two independent people sharing DC more than a conventional marriage, which is great if it works for both of you, but sounds like it's a bit one-sided in terms of responsibility for the household, with you carrying the load (surprise!). Tweens DC are old enough to have a few days away from mum so I think it's the situation between you and him which needs the consideration so I suggest you enjoy a much-needed break, think through options of how to tell him afterwards in a way which leads to calmly working out a better balance going forward. I definitely wouldn't tell him about the annual leave option before he departs with the DC for his parents, as he sounds like he might well then decide to leave them with you instead, no matter how much they're looking forward to seeing their cousins.

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FredWinnie · 06/12/2021 10:50

*pp
((bloody autocorrect)

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FredWinnie · 06/12/2021 10:49

@Double3xposure

Just do it.

He’s taken more than 4 weeks on his hobby leaving you alone with the kids. Yet he “ can’t understand “ why you’d not want a break Hmm.

Of course he can understand. It’s not a intellectual problem, it’s an entitlement problem. In his opinion, He’s entitled to a break and you are not.

Fuck that.

100% agree!!!!

Have your break, OP and 're-establish your boundaries

As a pm said, self care all the way
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Eddielzzard · 06/12/2021 10:47

Yes I agree. You're on call. And ENJOY that time off. You really do deserve it. Don't do shit like catch up on housework. Do shit like look after yourself.

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Onekidnoclue · 06/12/2021 10:45

You’re on call. I’d say that was working. Do it. His family sound like knobs. X

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ThreeWiseBuddhas · 06/12/2021 10:43

Self care always

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mincepiesallround · 06/12/2021 10:40

traditionally there is only a skeleton staff on for the period (with this employer) and senior staff like me are at home but on call in case of issues. So even if I’m off I could potentially be on call/working ad hoc.

Can’t you just say this OP? (Sorry if you’ve responded to a similar point elsewhere.) I’m staying home and hoping I’ll get a bit of time off but there’s a possibility/likelihood I’ll get called in so I can’t really leave the area.

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BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 10:40

I just thought it was interesting that in the tit-for-tat attitude around free time, OP wasn't actually mentioning whether the DCs wanted to go or whether she felt she would miss being with them.

Are you as concerned about whether DH misses them on his trips away for weeks at a time?

Whether or not DCs want to go is largely irrelevant. They are kids, going to visit their grandparents. That’s what they have to do. The fact it’s a couple of days after Christmas makes no difference.

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Phobiaphobic · 06/12/2021 10:39

Tell him straight you need time to yourself. No need to rationalise it, to him or yourself. Then have a glorious guilt-free few days recharging your batteries because you deserve it.

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SoftPillow · 06/12/2021 10:38

Don't lie. Be honest instead, you desperately need a break.

But honestly, it doesn't really sound as if you like your husband very much, or that you really respect each other either.

Perhaps you need a break from your relationship to re-evaluate?

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BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 10:37

He would be really offended if I didn’t go to visit his family when I had the opportunity to. There is soooooo much history with that. :-/

For this reason, I wouldn’t tell him. I’m normally on the side of honesty being the best policy, but this is about more than you just saying you need the break. You are saying you don’t want to go to his family. And he will have to lie to them too.

I’d wait til he goes, then tell him maybe on day 2, oh the shifts changed so they gave me the time off.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 10:36

Tweens.

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ShinyHappyPoster · 06/12/2021 10:35

[quote rookiemere]@ShinyHappyPoster you're right, this event is a symptom of the root issue - selfish H and uncomplaining OP/DW. But I don't think it's right to say the DCs will be impacted unduly if OP doesn't go. They aren't going until Boxing Day so they have Christmas together and they will be with their DF and wider family. Far better OP not go, than be there under sufferance.

Normally I'd fully advocate telling the truth, but here I suspect as some have said he'd make a big deal or it and possibly leave some or all of the DCs with OP. Far better to have the break with a white lie and have some breathing space to consider what 2022 and beyond should look like.[/quote]
I agree that the DCs are unlikely to be impacted unduly . I just thought it was interesting that in the tit-for-tat attitude around free time, OP wasn't actually mentioning whether the DCs wanted to go or whether she felt she would miss being with them. 2 weeks in the summer isn't the same as Christmas and New Year. I'm not averse to little white lies but I don't think this is a white lie. Being a martyr to the cycling hobby and then lying about Christmas and New Year, isn't a healthy approach. And it's just fudging all the issues rather than addressing them.

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backtolifebacktoreality · 06/12/2021 10:35

Be honest about your leave and tell him you are at breaking point and need some time to yourself!

He should respect your wishes/needs!

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Double3xposure · 06/12/2021 10:35

Just do it.

He’s taken more than 4 weeks on his hobby leaving you alone with the kids. Yet he “ can’t understand “ why you’d not want a break Hmm.

Of course he can understand. It’s not a intellectual problem, it’s an entitlement problem. In his opinion, He’s entitled to a break and you are not.

Fuck that.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 10:35

How old are your DC

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simpledeer · 06/12/2021 10:34

YANBU

However, I reckon you might feel guilty if you actually take the time off. So, I would be inclined to work in between (then you aren't lying about that) but make sure you do something fun with your friends next year rather than using your holiday to facilitate DH cycling.

If they are all away it will feel like a holiday anyway I suspect. You can watch what you want on tv and eat what you want (out of a bowl with a spoon wearing PJs) etc etc

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Ponoka7 · 06/12/2021 10:31

I voted YABU because of the deception. After reading your updates, if you can 100% get away with it, then I'd do it.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 10:30

@ShinyHappyPoster

I think if you're seriously considering lying to your DH then you have much bigger problems in your relationship. You need to be able to communicate honestly. If you didn't want to facilitate his cycling or watch the DCs during your holiday, you should have said that. If you don't want to spend the break with his family then tell him. Lying now is just continuing that pattern that you can't create and enforce boundaries.

But I do think it's interesting that you're glossing over your DCs in this. Fine, you struggle with your ILs even though you don't see them much. But you have DCs too. You could always travel to the ILs separately and have some alone time at home.

fwiw I know I'm in a minority on this, but I'm not sure that opting out of Christmas with your DH, DCs and ILs is comparable to you facilitating your DH's cycling hobby and then resenting it.

I’m not driving for 5 hours each way in a second car to spend time with people who don’t really give a shit about me or DC. It would be a few days of being in a freezing cold house, listening to them rant about Covid vaccines and telling us who they know (but DH/I don’t) that have died in the past year without anyone else being able to get a word in. I’m exhausted and don’t deserve that.

I’ve never stopped DH or DC spending time with them, EVER.
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