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Moral dilemma about xmas
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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 12:14

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 12:13

@rookiemere

Have you expressed any surprise to DH that he wants to take away the DC to his DPs for so long? As you say it does seem as if he hasn't considered you being on your own for NYE etc in this.

Of course. He said as he hadn’t taken DC there in so long he wants to make sure he sees absolutely everyone (his family is huge - he’s one of 5) whilst there. I have said I’m not happy with the length of it (neither are DC who want to be home by NYE at the latest) and asked him to arrange things to be back at a reasonable time on the 31st.

I know this is an impossible task because they’re the sort of people who make other arrangements despite knowing you are coming and agreeing the time. You usually find out after 2 hours standing outside their house waiting for them to get back. Angry
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JaniieJones · 06/12/2021 12:12

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GatoradeMeBitch · 06/12/2021 12:08

It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.

The children aren't heading off to a work camp. They're going to be with family, including cousins their own age. They'll be fine. And their mother will be getting some much-needed rest meaning that she will be refreshed and happier when they come home.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 12:05

I think you’re missing the point. I have been here for my DC for 104 weeks constant. He has been away without them for 6 of those weeks. It is not a level playing field

Him being a bit absent doesn’t make it ok for you to then be absent and lie about it. It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.

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GatoradeMeBitch · 06/12/2021 12:01

Do it. I'd agree with some of the disapproving here that your marriage is not healthy. However you're not about to repair it right now, all by yourself. Plus I don't think some people realize that there are times when you literally cannot bear to heap more stress on yourself, especially when it can be neatly avoided.

Of course stay home. And if you get "caught"? Tell him you're on call and you've only been home a few hours.

But I will think you very unreasonable if you don't plan to make it a very luxe break for yourself. Don't just sleep and eat biscuits, really try to pamper yourself and enjoy the peace and quiet. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas x

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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 11:59

Have you expressed any surprise to DH that he wants to take away the DC to his DPs for so long? As you say it does seem as if he hasn't considered you being on your own for NYE etc in this.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 11:57

@JaniieJones

'I’ve spent the last 104 weeks with my DC.'

Well done. That is however fairly normal when you're a parent Grin.

I don't get it tbh. Lie, stay at home whatever just stop trying to justify it with your cycling moans.

I think you’re missing the point. I have been here for my DC for 104 weeks constant. He has been away without them for 6 of those weeks. It is not a level playing field.
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Dontbeme · 06/12/2021 11:50

I would take the holidays and use one of the days to chat through my options with a therapist and a solicitor. The balance seems very off in your marriage OP, you seem to be an afterthought to your husband, there to facilitate what he wants only.

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FetchezLaVache · 06/12/2021 11:47

I do think however (and I'm aware that I'm projecting massively) that he will sabotage your break if you tell him the truth

I think this too. Is that why you are considering not telling him?

FWIW, I think YANB in any way U. Like fuck would I squander a potential break on such unpleasant people and I really have a problem with your DH's inability to see your POV on... well, anything, really.

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JaniieJones · 06/12/2021 11:44

'I’ve spent the last 104 weeks with my DC.'

Well done. That is however fairly normal when you're a parent Grin.

I don't get it tbh. Lie, stay at home whatever just stop trying to justify it with your cycling moans.

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MumW · 06/12/2021 11:43

I think I'd work to get out of visiting PIL without the emotional blackmail and use the extra 2 days to take a long weekend away on my own. DH can't argue if he's already taken a two week break and left the DC with you.

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LittleOwl153 · 06/12/2021 11:42

When DH said he would take DC to his family (they are desperate to see their cousins who they haven’t seen for well over 2 years) I expected it would be from 27th/28th to 31st but it seems he’s discussed going practically as soon as the last mouthful of xmas dinner is eaten until 2nd Jan, meaning I miss all of the bank holidays with DC and spend new year on my own. (We’ve never not seen new year in without all of us together.)

This wouldn't wash with me. I know you weren't asking that but leaving you alone working for the whole bank holiday period to me is nasty and suggests he has checked out anyway. I would say they can go late 26th/early 27th but they are to be back by lunchtime on 31st so you can spend New Year together.

It worries me OP that your tween kids (I have 1 myself) are being taken away from their mother - who does most of their day to day care - into a family who treats them as second class citizens at all, let alone for special times of the year. Thats not a great influence on young minds.

In terms of your leave it would depend on how busy you expect to be and what other plans you could make. I would probably work the time unless it was frantic (lines you up for similar favours next year perhaps if you work this?) Or you could make good plans for the time. But I certainly wouldn't let 'd'h being upset about it bother you. Sounds like he is only interested in himself anyway. And if you feel you need to lie to achieve it then again he doesnt seem to be that bothered about you so...

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Munchyseeds · 06/12/2021 11:42

Just do It, don't feel guilty and Enjoy!

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AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/12/2021 11:42

It’s just that his focus on his need to train is at the expense of everything else and someone needs to feed/look after the kids while he does.

There is no just about that. That is an enormous demand he is making on you. He owes you. And yet he takes it for granted that you will do it, and so do you. When did his needs get to be so much more important than yours? And how is training really a "need"? He cycles for a living?

Between working flat out and home schooling it’s become rather unmanageable and we’re struggling to find time for doing what we want rather than the basics of what has to be done.

We are not struggling at least not to the same extent. You are making far more effort than he is, while he doesn't seem to notice or care how much you do. And he is doing what he pleases.

I guess I’ve been caring for everyone else non-stop for so long that I’ve forgotten how to say no and do something just for myself.

Well you said it. Why isn't he caring for you? Admittedly he doesn't sound the type, but then again you don't have to stay with him if he's always going to be so selfish. As a mother you need a caring husband just as much as he needs a caring wife.

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OhamIreally · 06/12/2021 11:41

I didn't answer the question in your username before but, no, I don't think you would be a twat.

It's interesting the information about the structure of your relationship- this would appear to fit in more neatly that you should be able to take the break without lying or feeling guilty. I do think however (and I'm aware that I'm projecting massively) that he will sabotage your break if you tell him the truth.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 11:32

@JaniieJones

Just do it, lie to your dh, spend a week away from your dc just to avoid the evil ils. Lovely 🙄.

I’ve spent the last 104 weeks with my DC.

But she would be with her dh and dc who presumably she does like?!

DC will be off with their cousins and DH will have his head stuck so far up his parents’ and siblings’ arses I doubt he’d really notice I wasn’t there until a cup of tea needed making.

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AffableApple · 06/12/2021 11:31

Tell him this is your equivalent of his cycling holiday. You need a break, you're burnt out. It's not about not seeing his family, it's about needing alone time. If he doesn't understand, that's his problem I'm afraid.

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neverbeenskiing · 06/12/2021 11:30

traditionally there is only a skeleton staff on for the period (with this employer) and senior staff like me are at home but on call in case of issues. So even if I’m off I could potentially be on call/working ad hoc.

There you go then, no need to lie and sneak around. You tell DH that you have been given the opportunity to take a few days off but you will need to stay local as 'on call'. That's perfectly reasonable. If he starts trying to find a work-around so you can join him for all or part of the trip then you explain this isn't a good idea because

A.) You are mentally and physically exhausted and entitled to some time for yourself given all the cycling trips you've facilitated. If he disagrees "DH, you have had X number of days to yourself without the DC this year and I have had 0. Why do you think this is ok? Are my needs and feelings not as important as yours?"

B.) You have made it very clear that you do not feel able to spend time with his family due to their poor treatment of you and your DC. You respect the fact that they are still his family and have not tried to stand in the way of him continuing a relationship with them, he also needs to repect your POV on this. If he disagrees then this refer him back to point A: Does he think his needs and feelings are more important than yours?

C.) Although you have been given days "off" work this is on the understanding that you will be available to deal with any issues should they arise. So you need to be at home just in case.

I really don't see how he can argue with any of this. If he does then he is telling you very clearly that he really doesn't give a shit about your feelings and you have much bigger problems to tackle than what happens this Christmas.

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JaniieJones · 06/12/2021 11:25

'Not to drive 5 hours to spend time with people that don't like you.'

But she would be with her dh and dc who presumably she does like?!

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ShinyHappyPoster · 06/12/2021 11:25

@BoredZelda

I just thought it was interesting that in the tit-for-tat attitude around free time, OP wasn't actually mentioning whether the DCs wanted to go or whether she felt she would miss being with them.

Are you as concerned about whether DH misses them on his trips away for weeks at a time?

Whether or not DCs want to go is largely irrelevant. They are kids, going to visit their grandparents. That’s what they have to do. The fact it’s a couple of days after Christmas makes no difference.

As I pointed out, I think summer is different from Christmas and New Year. You don't - that's ok. We don't need to have the same approach to spending time with family over Christmas and New Year.
I also said both OP and her DH are caught up in their tit-for-tat with each other about free time. None of them seem to be focused on whether they like spending time with their tweens but OP's DH isn't posting so I can't ask him about that. Hmm
Nowhere have I excused OP's DH's attitude to his hobby. I've said OP has to stop being a martyr and have clear boundaries and communication.
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littlefireseverywhere · 06/12/2021 11:22

Just say you need a break, maybe tell him when he’s away mid trip they didn’t need you in? Make it clear no intention of going up there too!

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Shedmistress · 06/12/2021 11:20

I'd take the week off and just tell him you are taking the week off to recharge. Not to drive 5 hours to spend time with people that don't like you.

He of course can feel free to do whatever he wants that week.

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JaniieJones · 06/12/2021 11:19

' I guess I’ve been caring for everyone else non-stop for so long that I’ve forgotten how to say no and do something just for myself'

🎻

Just do it, lie to your dh, spend a week away from your dc just to avoid the evil ils. Lovely 🙄.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 11:15

DH being a selfish twat doesn’t give OP Carte Blanche to be a liar.

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