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Moral dilemma about xmas
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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

BessieBlue · 06/12/2021 13:47

You have 2.5 days leave to take so go in Wednesday morning and tell him that work informed you that you actually had leave to take before New Year so you’re off Thursday/Friday. Not all companies like staff to carry leave over.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 06/12/2021 13:44

It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.

The children aren't heading off to a work camp. They're going to be with family, including cousins their own age. They'll be fine. And their mother will be getting some much-needed rest meaning that she will be refreshed and happier when they come home


Yes but why the need to lie? It’s horrible

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rookiemere · 06/12/2021 13:34

Ok my views on things change somewhat with your latest update . I can see why if he was doing basically solo parenting and housework during lockdown, why perhaps he felt he deserved a number of child free breaks. Although it does still seem an excessive amount and duration.

That's not to say you weren't working extremely hard at your critical role, just that I'd somewhat assumed you were picking up all the domestic and childcare slack.

I still don't think you should go and a Boxing Day to NYE trip seems more than long enough, but maybe you should work the unpaid day so you're not withholding the truth, or some of the truth.

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Fanacapan · 06/12/2021 13:33

@Ohbotherpiglet

I would work and carry the leave over. It’s a much smaller lie and normally the time between Xmas and new year is dead quiet. You’ll still get a rest having house to yourself.

This 💯
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Borderterrierpuppy · 06/12/2021 13:32

Take the week for yourself, you absolutely need it.
As your dh has had so much time for his hobbies I would tell him but don’t tolerate any attempt to make you feel guilty.

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Booklover3 · 06/12/2021 13:23

It’s your life OP. Only you know what it’s like to live it. Do what you think is best. If you don’t talk about work then you aren’t lying really are you? Yes it’s a lie by omission I suppose but you really sound like you need a break. He isn’t taking your feelings into consideration if he’s extended the trip away anyway. Flowers

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Ohbotherpiglet · 06/12/2021 13:10

I would work and carry the leave over. It’s a much smaller lie and normally the time between Xmas and new year is dead quiet. You’ll still get a rest having house to yourself.

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Bexxe · 06/12/2021 13:02

I would take your leave off and tell him you have 2.5 days off.

Then bite the bullet and work the third day so you can honestly say you can’t come because you still have to be in work 1 day.

So you get a few days off (some to yourself)
Your working 1 day so technically it’s not a lie to DH!

Win win!

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Twixxed · 06/12/2021 12:59

Yanbu to do what you want with the time. But personally I think I'd work the days (it'll be a quiet time anyway and you'll still get the bank hols/evenings to yourself) and carry over the days.

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AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 06/12/2021 12:59

I wouldn't lie completely but I'd set it up a little bit before telling him.

For example, I would make plans to meet friends while he and DCs are away, book theatre tickets etc.

Then, when you find out you have some "bonus" holiday, you are already too scheduled at home to go to ILs, what a shame.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 12:56

He stopped working at the start of the pandemic because I was out of the house 16/18 hours a day 7 days a week. Did most of the home learning/childcare during lockdowns etc. And I do very little housework.

It’s just the time for cycling that has been an issue really.

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Double3xposure · 06/12/2021 12:55

I’m not blaming you , just making an observation. Now you have noticed the change you are able to make choices, if it’s not what you want.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 12:53

Only in the past couple of years, to be fair. And who can truly say nothing has changed for them over that period?

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Double3xposure · 06/12/2021 12:51

For someone who wants an “ unconventional “ relationship you’ve ended up with the very definition of convention - the woman does most of the wifework / housework, whether she works outside the home or not.

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 12:46

@GettingItOutThere

I would not lie. But i absolutely would not go!

fuck that, enjoy a break. Can he not go boxing day and come back new years eve?!

That’s what I’ve suggested. Although I’d like to have them home on Boxing Day if at all possible. Feels like I’ll barely see them otherwise. (They go back to school on 3rd Jan.)
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C8H10N4O2 · 06/12/2021 12:44

our marriage is not conventional. Its much more a legal agreement than a “can’t live without you” kind of relationship. (Would have done a civil partnership had it been available then.) We’ve always been very independent and had separate interests/money/routines/our own space. We have some shared interests and enjoy each others’ company (mostly) and have built a life together. Wasn’t an issue when it was just us. Having DC obviously changed how much free time we had but it’s been pretty even overall, until Covid. Between working flat out and home schooling it’s become rather unmanageable and we’re struggling to find time for doing what we want rather than the basics of what has to be done

TBH your relationship doesn't sound remotely equitable.

You have been 20 yrs with this man and he seriously thinks is fine for you to pick up a 100% of the slack without a break for 2 years whilst he goes of on jollies? How many times has he said to you "go away for a weekend for yourself" in that time? How many times have you felt able to demand this?

Similarly with the iLs. After 20 years he can't see it? He thinks its ok to just agree plans like this with them without a discussion about getting back for NY?

My FiL was a nightmare, its not an accident that in the latter years he saw very little of his D/SiLs and his DC took grandchildren for visits etc without partners. All his DC understood this, D/SiLs did family events etc but not leisure trips because he was so difficult. If your DH doesn't get this after 20 yrs then he isn't paying attention, this isn't such a rare scenario.

You may want to think about the next 20 years and if you are happy to continue being the default parent when one of the DC is theoretically an adult.

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GettingItOutThere · 06/12/2021 12:39

I would not lie. But i absolutely would not go!

fuck that, enjoy a break. Can he not go boxing day and come back new years eve?!

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Drunkpanda · 06/12/2021 12:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

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timeisnotaline · 06/12/2021 12:37

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I think you’re missing the point. I have been here for my DC for 104 weeks constant. He has been away without them for 6 of those weeks. It is not a level playing field

Him being a bit absent doesn’t make it ok for you to then be absent and lie about it. It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.

A bit? How many people have had 6 weeks away from family for hobbies not work in two years? I haven’t had that the entire nearly 7 years I’ve been a parent and nor has dh. Give the op a break, her dh sure gives himself plenty of them.
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CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 12:28

Could you tell your husband you will have to work one or two days so can’t go to his family but will be off on 1st then maybe he’ll shorten his trip with the DC?

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WouldIBeATwat · 06/12/2021 12:24

@FetchezLaVache

Is there any chance your kids could get a train home by themselves so they can see in the new year with you?

Not a chance. Would take over 8 hours with 4 changes. Not how I want them ending the year. They aren’t teenagers yet.

(Plus high risk that iPads etc would get left on a train/platform somewhere.)
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FredWinnie · 06/12/2021 12:20

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

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FetchezLaVache · 06/12/2021 12:18

Is there any chance your kids could get a train home by themselves so they can see in the new year with you?

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JaniieJones · 06/12/2021 12:18

'Nothing wrong with taking a it of downtime'

Of course there isn't. It's the telling fibs that is wrong isn't it?

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OhamIreally · 06/12/2021 12:16

@JaniieJones

'Him being a bit absent doesn’t make it ok for you to then be absent and lie about it. It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.'

Exactly. He goes cycling, so what. Maybe try a hobby rather than lying to him and your kids so you can sit on your arse for a week?

Did you miss the bit where she has worked non-stop throughout the pandemic and is exhausted? Nothing wrong with taking a it of downtime and nothing right with killing yourself.

There's another thread where women have been hospitalised due to burnout. If they'd "sat on their arses" a bit more they might not have reached that stage.

Where do you get off telling a woman she can't have a break? Nasty.
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