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Moral dilemma about xmas
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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:44

@CSJobseeker

The thing is, if you lie, it's not just one lie, is it? It's several days of continuous lying.

When he calls or texts you on the evening of those days, are you going to pretend to be knackered from a days work? What will you say when he asks how your day was?

I couldn't do it. If he ever finds out, it will be the deceit as a whole that will really fuck things up.

He won’t call and unlikely to text much. He goes full “little boy” when with his family.
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CSJobseeker · 05/12/2021 22:44

IMO the key issue here is not whether you should take the time off for some rest (you definitely should), but why he would object to you doing so.

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ouchmyfeet · 05/12/2021 22:43

I would definitely take the break

If you not going will cause drama then don't tell him, just enjoy the peace. Happy New Year OP!

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gah2teenagers · 05/12/2021 22:42

Omg. No enjoy your time off. You can’t function on empty and he has had his jollies away.

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CrimbleCrumble1 · 05/12/2021 22:41

I’d take the days off and chill at home, I wouldn’t tell him, if he thinks you have to work there’s no reason to think you aren’t working. Men take time for themselves all the time and you may not get this opportunity again.

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NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 22:40

MAMILs are (in my opinion) known for being quite self-centred and happy to leave dull parenting to their spouses, and a week-long solo parenting stint in the bosom of their family is an excellent antidote to their spouse’s growing resentment.

Wait till he’s gone then tell him judiciously at the appropriate moment (when it would be a waste of time to head up there). Enjoy the time off.

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CSJobseeker · 05/12/2021 22:38

The thing is, if you lie, it's not just one lie, is it? It's several days of continuous lying.

When he calls or texts you on the evening of those days, are you going to pretend to be knackered from a days work? What will you say when he asks how your day was?

I couldn't do it. If he ever finds out, it will be the deceit as a whole that will really fuck things up.

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GreenClock · 05/12/2021 22:37

He sounds like the husband in Motherland. Completely self-absorbed. I think you need an honest conversation.

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slippersockgrey · 05/12/2021 22:36

@WouldIBeATwat

MAM revelation?

Middle aged man.

Or more aptly MAMIL - middle aged man in Lycra!
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NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 22:36

@WouldIBeATwat

MAM revelation?

Sorry- typo!

MAMIL - Middle-Aged Man In Lycra Grin
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Chillyjellytotty · 05/12/2021 22:36

I would take the time off, after he has left tell him a white lie about how work have let you have the time off/to many staff/they can’t open for some reason/the person calculating holiday got it wrong.


I understand the family drama so know why you would want to avoid it.

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LadyCatStark · 05/12/2021 22:36

Oh you definitely deserve a few days to yourself for putting up with a cyclist DH! Just make sure you can’t get found out, eg if you have a ring doorbell. If you don’t want to/ can’t pretend you’re working it, wait til they’ve gone and say you’re ill.

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Mrsmch123 · 05/12/2021 22:36

I think it's unfair that you are not going to tell him and take the days off. By all means take the days off but tell him. I would be upset if my husband done this to me. If you don't want to go traipsing across the country don't buy don't lie to your husband about it.

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BookShark · 05/12/2021 22:35

But he told you about the cycling and you agreed to it, so that's not the same thing. I don't think you're at all unreasonable to want to take some time for yourself (I take the odd day here and there) but you're entirely unreasonable to lie about it.

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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:34

MAM revelation?

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Iggly · 05/12/2021 22:33

Well that’s just a bit shit that he couldn’t understand your need for a break.

How would he react?

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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:33

My 2 week break in the summer was spent with the DCs while he was off cycling with his mates. So I didn’t really get a holiday.

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FreedomFaith · 05/12/2021 22:32

Sounds like it will cause problems when it shouldn't, he's had time off, why can't you?

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NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 22:32

@WouldIBeATwat

No bother covering school hols.

DH is a cyclist and has done 3 major cycle trips (1000 miles each, taking 2 weeks each time, plus all the training (2 hrs per day for around 2 months before hand)) in the last 2 years and has another planned for March. I’ve facilitated all of that, missing out on my own workouts to give him that time.

I thought you should do it before the MAM revelation.

I haven’t changed my mind but I have cemented my position.
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Thingsthatgo · 05/12/2021 22:31

Do you have a good relationship? Could you really enjoy the break knowing that you’d lied about it to your husband?
If you’re not really that bothered about lying to him, then I’d say you should do it. But, if you would feel hurt if he lied to you for the same reasons, then you really can’t. It is not a moral dilemma if you know the right thing to do.

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VimFuego101 · 05/12/2021 22:31

I wouldn't go, and would take the break. I'd tell DH after he'd left, something along the lines of 'they let us finish up/ take the day off unexpectedly as we'd wrapped up all work'. Sounds like you're knackered and travelling that far for a couple of days would be exhausting.

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NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 22:31

Just do it.

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WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:29

No bother covering school hols.

DH is a cyclist and has done 3 major cycle trips (1000 miles each, taking 2 weeks each time, plus all the training (2 hrs per day for around 2 months before hand)) in the last 2 years and has another planned for March. I’ve facilitated all of that, missing out on my own workouts to give him that time.

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justbegoodforme · 05/12/2021 22:29

I think you need and deserve the time off. You also need to be honest with your husband. Tell the truth and put your foot down. They will all survive without you.

The lie would remain on your conscience surely!

Though if you both lie to each other and find this acceptable then crack on!

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HairyFanjoBanjo · 05/12/2021 22:29

If his family are basically arseholes, the he should not expect you to put up with them anyway.

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