Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Moral dilemma about xmas

339 replies

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Userevermore · 06/12/2021 04:08

Just tell him and do what you want to do, I certainly wouldn't be travelling with him though

Please
or
to access all these features

DBI78 · 06/12/2021 04:06

I agree with time off not sure I agree with lying. But totally understand pressure to go with them if you are off. Yeah I'm leaning towards little white lie.

Please
or
to access all these features

nocnoc · 06/12/2021 03:49

God no. Don’t waste precious holiday on crap family. Stay home, say nothing. Have a couple of days to yourself

Please
or
to access all these features

Silvershroud · 06/12/2021 03:18

Take the break and don't tell him. If he finds out, tell you had to work from home for some reason. It is a white lie, to keep family harmony. He is not your lord and master, you don't have to "confess" everything to him.

Please
or
to access all these features

MincePiesAreAMeal · 06/12/2021 02:55

There’s being a selfish twat and there’s lying to your partner - both are shit and relationship breakers.
Personally I would tell dh the truth but only at the very last minute when you are ‘too tired’ to travel up and can justify staying at home. I just couldn’t lie to my dh for days at a time and if he could lie to me like that I’d be devastated and it would make me question our whole marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, you sound like you need a break (divorce) but I would tell dh where you are without being ‘able’ to get up to his family in time.

Please
or
to access all these features

Wingedharpy · 06/12/2021 01:40

Serendipity OP.
This opportunity has come about through an honest assumption on your part.
DH accepted the situation and has made his own arrangements accordingly.
Don't upset the apple cart now and upset everyone's plans.
Wave them off, crack open the Baileys and enjoy your rest.

Truth, can be overrated IMHOXmas Wink

DH still thinks I iron his non-iron shirts.
I haven't for the last 15 years, but he doesn't need to know this.

Please
or
to access all these features

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/12/2021 01:23

@Lalliella

Don’t lie to your DH. Once you do this, the trust between you is gone and it could wreck your marriage.

Given that he is a selfish shit and she is left feeling the need to lie, I am not at all confident that this marriage isnt already wrecked. Its just that the OP hasnt realised yet.
Please
or
to access all these features

Nasturs · 06/12/2021 01:09

  • I think you need to get this out there. Even if it leads to a row. You need to quietly and calmly assert your right to have needs and have those needs met. These are the facts:
  • you really need this
  • you have provided him with 10x the space you are asking for yourself
  • it's not about his family, it's about what you need
  • you are an adult and as an adult you can and will decide how you spend your time
  • that you considered having to lie to get this tiny thing you want points to an imbalance in your marriage: you are not his facilitator, it's supposed to be a partnership and that means you facilitate each other. That doesn't appear to be happening right now*


That’s all really sound advice. But I could understand why it would feel like a lot of hard work in the short term. Either way... take the time off.
Please
or
to access all these features

Namenic · 06/12/2021 01:05

I would tell him the truth but say you want a break. You have facilitated his cycling breaks, so you want this one.

Please
or
to access all these features

PermanentTemporary · 06/12/2021 01:00

I'm trying to imagine what I would really have done when married, and the answer probably is that I wouldn't have taken the break, because I would have felt too guilty. Not that dh would ever have taken an entire week with dc and family anyway (he did do a long weekend once). Also I would have imagined him finding out I was at home aline and just coming back so that we could be together, thereby ruining my break and making me secretly cry with frustration . It seemed to me that in our last 3 years together I had a total of 20 minutes at home on my own and that nearly drove me insane.

There's no good answer. You need a break, your in-laws ate horrible to your kids, there is no good option. If you can, try to talk to him about the lack of bearable options. But I get why you don't want to.

Please
or
to access all these features

mellicauli · 06/12/2021 00:53

I think you need to get this out there. Even if it leads to a row. You need to quietly and calmly assert your right to have needs and have those needs met. These are the facts:

  • you really need this
  • you have provided him with 10x the space you are asking for yourself
  • it's not about his family, it's about what you need
  • you are an adult and as an adult you can and will decide how you spend your time
  • that you considered having to lie to get this tiny thing you want points to an imbalance in your marriage: you are not his facilitator, it's supposed to be a partnership and that means you facilitate each other. That doesn't appear to be happening right now.
Please
or
to access all these features

Shallwegoforawalk · 06/12/2021 00:37

Definitely take the time.

I'd go with the option of telling him after he's arrived and when it's too late for you to go. So not outright lies but still get the peace you deserve.

And use a bit of the time to reflect on why you've flogged yourself to death for 2 years while he's been having many weeks of lad fun. Not fair. Needs addressed.

Please
or
to access all these features

NoSquirrels · 06/12/2021 00:25

Do you know what? If I found out my DH did this to me, I wouldn’t end my marriage. I would think ‘Fucking hell, why couldn’t he tell me?’

We’d approach truth & reconciliation on that basis.

Clearly if your relationship is in balance, and you love your in laws, this wouldn’t be an issue. OP would say “DH, work told me I can take 2 days extra holiday. I’d love to use them to recharge when you’re with your parents - you know I’m exhausted.” And DH would happily say “Good plan. Enjoy the downtime.”

But given that both relationships with DH and in-laws seem shaky, why wouldn’t OP stay home and be economical with the truth?

Please
or
to access all these features

Lalliella · 06/12/2021 00:23

Don’t lie to your DH. Once you do this, the trust between you is gone and it could wreck your marriage.

Please
or
to access all these features

DontBeCatty · 06/12/2021 00:15

I really hate lies but id be ok manipulating things so I didn’t have to go on the trip. As PPs have suggested maybe work from home or just book one or two days off.

Good luck!

Please
or
to access all these features

ChubbyMorticia · 06/12/2021 00:14

I'd tell him and take the time off. If he throws a tantrum, that's his problem to deal with. You've been clear about not wanting to visit his parents due to their and his behaviour, you're exhausted, you're staying home.

I hate lying. And I wouldn't allow the potential fit throwing from him to turn me into something I hate.

Please
or
to access all these features

hopeso · 06/12/2021 00:14

Take the break. Don't tell your husband until it's too late for you to travel there. It's not about the 'lying', it's about self-preservation. Your hubby has no issues about putting himself first, you are not harming anyone by having some well deserved time off to rest and recharge. You can say, as someone else has mentioned, that you went to work and got it wrong.

Please
or
to access all these features

RobertaFirmino · 06/12/2021 00:13

The way I see it is this: When you told DH you had to work, you did so in good faith. You had not lied.

I would keep this new knowledge to yourself. It sounds like you desperately need this break and quite frankly, it's probably the only way you are going to get one. Use this time to take stock of your life.

OK, some would see this as lying by omission and say this is not something that should happen in a healthy marriage. I'm really sorry but your marriage does not sound like a healthy one.

Say bollocks to the holier-than-thous. You must take care of yourself and if this is the only way you can do so then so be it.

Please
or
to access all these features

SofiaMichelle · 05/12/2021 23:58

@WouldIBeATwat
...I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years.

You've had no holidays in almost 2 years?!

That's shocking!

I wouldn't lie to him. I'd tell him I was doing it and I'd make the most of it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Teenagehorrorbag · 05/12/2021 23:55

Definitely take some time, but I don't think you should lie if it can be avoided. Can you work the first day after Christmas and then - after he's left - say they just told you you could have some additional time off so you are going to take two unplanned days and are really looking forward to some R&R?

But if you have to lie then do. If he thinks he gets brownie points for having his children for a week then let him earn his points....Grin. From what you've said he won't even know, and if he does you have a genuine reason for the subterfuge.

PPs are saying it will affect your relationship forever. I think that depends on the relationship. It's not that big a deal - and your motives are only to keep the peace and have some rest. My DH wouldn't question it and wouldn't be that bothered if he found out later. But others might. You know the dynamics of your relationship and if you think it wouldn't be a major deal, then I would say definitely go for it!

But even if you don't and you still go to work - you will have a week of no DH, no DCs (....Sad) , no cooking, cleaning, running around after them all - it will be wonderful! Enjoy, whatever you decide...Xmas Smile!

Please
or
to access all these features

Newgate · 05/12/2021 23:55

You know your family circumstances better than anyone and how your husband would react. So based on this I would say take the break, don’t tell him. And have a fab and well rested Christmas

Please
or
to access all these features

frazzledasarock · 05/12/2021 23:48

Do it.

Don’t tell him and don’t feel in the least bit guilty.

As is said so often on here apparently menz need to spend time away with their children to bond with them.
Let them bond away. And have calm relaxing quiet week.

I wouldn’t give it a thought if not telling him meant no guilt trip or being forced to go see people who mistreated me.

Please
or
to access all these features

Starseeking · 05/12/2021 23:47

You sound in desperate need of that break, I would definitely take it if I were you.

I had a similar EXDP to your DH, so I can imagine the guilt trip your DH would try and lay on you if you dared suggest you aren't going to see his family.

I'd wait until DH rang in the evening to say they'd arrived safely, then say you've found out from work that you don't need to work the days in between Christmas and NY. You can't follow them up as it's too far for you to go on your own/no transport/on reflection prefer to stay home.

The key thing to do in conversation with your DH is not say when you found out. If he pushes the point, just say "they made an announcement/sent an email at work because everyone's been working so hard", and quickly change the subject.

That way, you'll be able to have your much needed time off to yourself, and you'll have told your DH as well. As bad as my EXDP was, I couldn't have outright lied to him about something like this.

Please
or
to access all these features

tortoiselover100 · 05/12/2021 23:47

TAke the break. You deserve it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Whitefire · 05/12/2021 23:46

So a possible half day so you can truthfully say you will have Wednesday morning off, then on Wednesday just say that you don't have to work after all.

Please
or
to access all these features
Similar threads
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?