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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

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user1471538283 · 06/12/2021 13:10

I would get myself back to work as soon as I could.

You haven't changed that much you just have a different priority now you are a mother. He ought to see the state of me some days!

What is wrong with people?

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girlmom21 · 06/12/2021 13:02

@Malibuismysecrethome

Some people are skinny and look like the back of a bus and some larger girls rock. Sick of you having to be a size 6/8 to be attractive.

Nobody said that. OP was never a size 8.
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Malibuismysecrethome · 06/12/2021 12:56

Some people are skinny and look like the back of a bus and some larger girls rock. Sick of you having to be a size 6/8 to be attractive.

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me4real · 06/12/2021 12:29

People who think 14 isn’t overweight are in denial.

No. It's at about a 16 that people are overweight according to the BMI (or maybe a large 14 IDK.) At a 14 most people are robust-looking but not overweight. Of course it varies from person to person.

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Booklover3 · 06/12/2021 11:05

Are you ok @Embarrassed1987 Flowers

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lisaandalan · 05/12/2021 22:54

Make him look after your daughter more at the weekend so you can go off an beautify yourself if you want to. X

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lisaandalan · 05/12/2021 22:52

Tell him if he wants to give you the money to have your hair done every week and nails and that done he's more than welcome.
That's if you don't mind going to get these things done, I love it and gets you out of the house for a few hours.
On the plus side as well at least he's told you so you can do something about it if you want to.
It hurts but at least he's honest rather than looking else where. X

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aSofaNearYou · 05/12/2021 20:34

How odd, there is a big difference between getting dressed the second gosh get up and slobbing in your pyjamas till lunch time

You teach your child there is no in between and they can slob in their pyjamas till lunch time, it’s how you live, I teach my child there is no need to get dressed the second they get up but should shower and dress before fheir day begins. We are simply different

But I think you’ll find most folks don’t teach fheir kids to slob around in their pyjamas till lunch time.


Not really, by the time we've ambled downstairs, had breakfast and (me), a coffee, chatted or played for a bit, it can be between 10 and 11, which is when I said we generally shower and dress. Not slobbing around, just having a leisurely morning on a day at home.

I don't really need you to tell me what you think I'll find, I accept that we're different, but I've seen just as many people who think as I do on this thread as people that you do. It's evidently quite common for many parents to have a relaxed approach to dressing in the morning.

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Bluntness100 · 05/12/2021 20:18

I teach my DD that we need to be dressed for when we're going out, and if we're not, then any time before lunch is fine. I don't think it's that unusual for children to not get dressed the second they get up when staying in

How odd, there is a big difference between getting dressed the second gosh get up and slobbing in your pyjamas till lunch time

You teach your child there is no in between and they can slob in their pyjamas till lunch time, it’s how you live, I teach my child there is no need to get dressed the second they get up but should shower and dress before fheir day begins. We are simply different

But I think you’ll find most folks don’t teach fheir kids to slob around in their pyjamas till lunch time.

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DrSbaitso · 05/12/2021 19:55

@EightWheelGirl

I think when people talk of the amount of work women have to put in to look good, they often don’t consider that it’s much harder for men to attain what is considered an enviable male physique.

Women mainly need to just be slim, but men are ideally also muscular which takes a lot more work. Men who are serious about the gym usually do alternating cycles of cutting and bulking to put on muscle and then trim away the fat (can’t gain much muscle while dieting so needs to be done separately). All this usually requires a close focus on nutrition.

Women mainly just need to get on the cross trainer and eat the same amount every day to have a good body.

Interesting thought process, EightWheel...Girl.
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VikingOnTheFridge · 05/12/2021 19:53

@EightWheelGirl

I think when people talk of the amount of work women have to put in to look good, they often don’t consider that it’s much harder for men to attain what is considered an enviable male physique.

Women mainly need to just be slim, but men are ideally also muscular which takes a lot more work. Men who are serious about the gym usually do alternating cycles of cutting and bulking to put on muscle and then trim away the fat (can’t gain much muscle while dieting so needs to be done separately). All this usually requires a close focus on nutrition.

Women mainly just need to get on the cross trainer and eat the same amount every day to have a good body.

The men don't have to deal with the physical impact of pregnancy though...
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EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 19:42

I think when people talk of the amount of work women have to put in to look good, they often don’t consider that it’s much harder for men to attain what is considered an enviable male physique.

Women mainly need to just be slim, but men are ideally also muscular which takes a lot more work. Men who are serious about the gym usually do alternating cycles of cutting and bulking to put on muscle and then trim away the fat (can’t gain much muscle while dieting so needs to be done separately). All this usually requires a close focus on nutrition.

Women mainly just need to get on the cross trainer and eat the same amount every day to have a good body.

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/12/2021 19:40

"standards when it comes to dress" are clearly more important so that fact is lost.

My standards apply to my DH too.

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aSofaNearYou · 05/12/2021 19:29

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Grooming is not simply personal choice for women. The expectations on makeup and body hair in particular are laden with expectations and pressures linked to sexism

Mumsnet these days seems to be of the opinion that women are akin to children and have 0 personal choice, 0 voice, and just blindly follow men around. If women don’t enjoy the societal pressures around grooming, it is their/our responsibility to push back against it. And I don’t mind if you think I’m lacking in empathy; I think it’s important to have personal standards when it comes to dress etc.

This has little to do with mumsnet and a lot more to do with general feminist theory. It isn't about women having no agency to choose, it is about the pressures themselves and how damaging they are. Ironically, ceasing to bother with make up or remotely tight fitting clothing, and stopped shaving, they would be pushing back against it, but "standards when it comes to dress" are clearly more important so that fact is lost.
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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/12/2021 19:13

Grooming is not simply personal choice for women. The expectations on makeup and body hair in particular are laden with expectations and pressures linked to sexism

Mumsnet these days seems to be of the opinion that women are akin to children and have 0 personal choice, 0 voice, and just blindly follow men around. If women don’t enjoy the societal pressures around grooming, it is their/our responsibility to push back against it. And I don’t mind if you think I’m lacking in empathy; I think it’s important to have personal standards when it comes to dress etc.

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aSofaNearYou · 05/12/2021 19:07

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Women in general ARE considered slobby if they wear things as loose fitting as most men wear every day

What?! Honestly just what?!? There are so many loose fitting women’s clothing items and styles which are perfectly acceptable. “Boyfriend jeans” are even fashionable. Dresses, kaftans, loose shirts etc. All fine. Conversely if my husband wanted to a wear a tracksuit all day I would be like wtf are you doing you slob? Beauty standards are one thing - but anything beyond basic grooming for men and women is personal choice. No one is forcing women to slather on make up and pretending that a man not liking his wife in pjs until noon is sexist is silly. I would feel the same about my husband doing this. Or growing a scruffy beard. Or gaining 2 stone. As would most women.

You've taken my comment out of context. I didn't say a man not liking his wife in pjs until noon was sexist, my comment about sexism was specifically in response to a poster saying it was ridiculous to say there are higher expectations of women in terms of how they present themselves than men. I do think it is self absorbed to be angry about your spouse not getting dressed until noon because you don't think they look attractive enough that way, though.

Grooming is not simply personal choice for women. The expectations on makeup and body hair in particular are laden with expectations and pressures linked to sexism.

And tbh I think a lot of what you've said just really shows that you are similarly minded to OPs husband, whereas I think that kind of outlook is judgemental and selfish. I wouldn't think harshly of my DH wearing a (clean) tracksuit all day, in fact he often does. And if he had given birth to my child and experienced the physical changes that brings on, and then been busy as that child's primary carer since, then I wouldn't be judging them for putting on a couple of stone. I would consider that to be quite a harsh response lacking in empathy or respect.
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aSofaNearYou · 05/12/2021 18:35

@Bluntness100

I don’t think most of us agree with you *@aSofaNearYou*. I certainly did not teach my daughter that getting dressed between ten and Eleven was normal most days, nor did I teach her that loose clothing was slobby on a woman and she needed to wear tight clothes, which by default is what you’re saying if you think loose fitting is slobby on a woman.

In fact she’s a twenty four year old lawyer who favours loose trouser suits, she does wear bb cream and mascara but nothing else, her hair is very curly and long, it’s not styled as such, she follows curly curl method, and I serisously don’t understand your incredibly dated view women need to wear restricted clothing be styled with make up etc,

The expectation on women in restrictive clothing, made up and shaved seems to be yours and from by gone years, it’s certainly not something I taught my daughter, but I did teach her getting showered and dressed before eleven was normal.

You do you, with your eleven o clock getting dressed and thinking women need to be presented a certain way, but I and most others don’t align with your,,,unusual, views, in fact I’d recommend you take your views and run back to thr fifties and leave them there,

Eh? None of that is my view, I'm describing the common view of others, because I disagree with it. I agree the views are outdated but that doesn't mean nobody still holds them, many on this thread have said such things, and it's incredibly common for men to think them.

Why would you assume those were my views when I've quite clearly disagreed with them?

I get dressed in late morning sometimes when I don't have somewhere to be early in the morning. I teach my DD that we need to be dressed for when we're going out, and if we're not, then any time before lunch is fine. I don't think it's that unusual for children to not get dressed the second they get up when staying in, and yet I'm the one with standards from the 50s?
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SpeckledHem · 05/12/2021 18:32

I think it’s important to make an effort for your own well being. Your partner could have been a little more sensitive but, I think this is another example of people only being allowed to say what others want to hear. He was just being honest

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Aderyn21 · 05/12/2021 18:30

Tatiana, going to bed in clothes you've spent all day in and worn to do housework is slobby. But most people would would have a shower and put clean clothes on, not go to bed wearing the same pjs that have windolene on!

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Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/12/2021 18:29

Women in general ARE considered slobby if they wear things as loose fitting as most men wear every day

What?! Honestly just what?!? There are so many loose fitting women’s clothing items and styles which are perfectly acceptable. “Boyfriend jeans” are even fashionable. Dresses, kaftans, loose shirts etc. All fine. Conversely if my husband wanted to a wear a tracksuit all day I would be like wtf are you doing you slob? Beauty standards are one thing - but anything beyond basic grooming for men and women is personal choice. No one is forcing women to slather on make up and pretending that a man not liking his wife in pjs until noon is sexist is silly. I would feel the same about my husband doing this. Or growing a scruffy beard. Or gaining 2 stone. As would most women.

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Aderyn21 · 05/12/2021 18:27

No one's child ever suffered in life because they got dressed when they actually needed to be dressed and not at some arbitrary time that some stranger on the internet deemed appropriate!

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LetHimHaveIt · 05/12/2021 18:13

You could certainly make an argument for not being hygienic, being 'disprectful'. Everything else is bollocks. It's not 'disrespectful' to be a size 14, eschew makeup, or not crack out the straighteners.

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TatianaBis · 05/12/2021 18:10

Why not? Why would you want to do it in your more restrictive clothes for the day, getting them dirty? It makes a lot of sense to do it in pjs. People do things differently without being slobs.

My clothes aren’t restrictive. Why would you want to sleep in clothes with Windolene on them?

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Bluntness100 · 05/12/2021 18:07

I don’t think most of us agree with you @aSofaNearYou. I certainly did not teach my daughter that getting dressed between ten and Eleven was normal most days, nor did I teach her that loose clothing was slobby on a woman and she needed to wear tight clothes, which by default is what you’re saying if you think loose fitting is slobby on a woman.

In fact she’s a twenty four year old lawyer who favours loose trouser suits, she does wear bb cream and mascara but nothing else, her hair is very curly and long, it’s not styled as such, she follows curly curl method, and I serisously don’t understand your incredibly dated view women need to wear restricted clothing be styled with make up etc,

The expectation on women in restrictive clothing, made up and shaved seems to be yours and from by gone years, it’s certainly not something I taught my daughter, but I did teach her getting showered and dressed before eleven was normal.

You do you, with your eleven o clock getting dressed and thinking women need to be presented a certain way, but I and most others don’t align with your,,,unusual, views, in fact I’d recommend you take your views and run back to thr fifties and leave them there,

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DrSbaitso · 05/12/2021 18:06

@TheVolturi

Also, I still can't believe that it's legal for the dm to screenshot posts with usernames and post online! I know this forum is public, but an abusive husband isn't necessarily going to be looking on here, but he might come across something on the dm that his wife has posted. Could cause lots of trouble.

The forum is public. Newspapers can report public information.
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