Let myself go...DH says

[Embarrassed1987]

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

[Aria999]

He's not being very tactful.

I think the best thing to do if he feels that way would be to let you know that how much effort you make is important to him but it's your decision and he supports that and loves you anyway.

Whereas it sounds like he's actually just having a sulk.

I know DH hates some of my comfier clothes but I wear them anyway when I want to, and he puts up with it good naturedly. When I can summon up the energy I do also make an effort sometimes (e.g. put a nice top on after kids are in bed) as I know it is appreciated.

I am kind of obsessed with my recent success in becoming slim and having good hair for the first time in forever and he has to listen to me rabbit on about it at great length 🤣 so it's not all roses.

[Clarabe1]

If you are happy and feel comfortable in your own skin that is all that matters. Years ago I used to wear heels, get nails done etc etc. I am getting older now and quite frankly I can’t be arsed. I favour a more natural look. One thing I am wondering is that when your DH said about letting yourself go have you read too much into your hair weight etc? Was he referring to you being in PJ’s and not getting dressed?

[HisHX]

@Spectre8

I kind of see his perspective. I wouldn't be happy if my OH put on alot of weight and also didn't get dressed.

I think its so different with men, majority of men just need to trim their hair, beard, maybe some moisturiser. Their grooming is so much less. So when you meet a guy you pretty much meet him in his most natural self including his weight.

With women alot put on lots of make up, dye their hair, get their nails done, shave - basically look as flawless as possible. That takes time and money and when you had a kid you don't have that time. Yet he met a version of you that is no longer a version you have time to be anymore.

This why you get lots of people advocating for more natural looks. You set the expectation at the first date so if your nails arent polished but neat, you hair looking neat, minimal make up, when you can no longer do some of that stuff its not a million miles away from who you are and what you look like.

Like another poster said you used to do all those things so you did them for yourself back then

Completely agree with all of this. Haven’t read the whole thread but whilst his comments are dickish, physical attraction IS important. My husband and I are very natural/low maintenance but take pride in terms of healthy eating and exercise. For me, going up a size or two wouldn’t necessarily be an issue that would cause me to no longer be attracted. But, if there was a slovenly lifestyle change that led to that gain, I do think I’d struggle.

[LadyMacduff]

This is a zombie thread

[Spectre8]

I kind of see his perspective. I wouldn't be happy if my OH put on alot of weight and also didn't get dressed.

I think its so different with men, majority of men just need to trim their hair, beard, maybe some moisturiser. Their grooming is so much less. So when you meet a guy you pretty much meet him in his most natural self including his weight.

With women alot put on lots of make up, dye their hair, get their nails done, shave - basically look as flawless as possible. That takes time and money and when you had a kid you don't have that time. Yet he met a version of you that is no longer a version you have time to be anymore.

This why you get lots of people advocating for more natural looks. You set the expectation at the first date so if your nails arent polished but neat, you hair looking neat, minimal make up, when you can no longer do some of that stuff its not a million miles away from who you are and what you look like.

Like another poster said you used to do all those things so you did them for yourself back then

[renee1989]

what about him? is HE keeping himself in "peak condition"?
he had better look like sebastian stan or something to think its acceptable to have this attitude, maybe if he wants you to maintain your appearence have him care for your child for the full day on a weekly basis

[WaningMoon]

Shades of The Handmaid’s Tale on this thread

I absolutely agree with this comment, there are some deeply concerning attitudes on this thread - women are not here on this earth to be decorative objects for fucks sake.

[MissNothing1991]

A size 10 to a size 14 isn't that big a difference, especially after having children! I'd be fucking fuming.

[Joined4this]

That must be incredibly hurtful to hear. I am sure you won’t be able to relax in your dressing gown any more. He is allowed to feel this way but he should have broached the subject gently and considerately. He went at it like a hungry pitbull. It’s up to you what you want to do with that information though. I know a number of couples where it’s an unspoken agreement that she will stay thin. Also, you have couples where anything goes.

So your choices

1. make the effort to change your appearance to please him - this might or might not work
   
2. don’t- this might lead to the end of your marriage but if his love is conditional on you looking a certain way- was it ever that strong?
   
   It sounds like you love him. It’s never easy to hear this kind of thing so for you.

[glittereyelash]

How very hurtful to hear. It's not easy to get your figure back after having a baby and it's been a tough few years with adjusting to covid living. My son is three and I've only recently made the changes to get back into shape. I've started walking every evening and I absolutely love it gives me time to de-stress. You should definitely take some time for yourself for a hobby and only lose weight if it's what you want.

[Nowhereelsetogo90]

@CharSiu

These threads always go the same way. If a woman posts this their DH are bastards if a woman posts their DH are getting fat she does not get lambasted.

Yes they are the same person inside but if DH went up four clothes sizes I wouldn’t like it. Attitudes to weight and people’s and the new normal of what is considered ok is why there is a type 2 diabetes crisis in the UK.

I would take complete umbrage with comments about clothes and hair though that’s very much dress up doll territory.

A 10 to a 14 isn’t four clothes sizes?

[Nowhereelsetogo90]

Tell him to fuck off! How does he look compared to years ago?! What an absolute tool to try to make you feel insecure. Who sits in their house done up with make up and a nice outfit on? I finished work half an hour ago and am already looking towards my pjs!

[ElftonWednesday]

I've gained weight since I got married but I've not let myself go in any way, shape or form. I still exercise and eat healthily, it has just been a constant battle since I had children. If anything I make more effort than when I was younger and have to eat a lot less to shift the scales at all.

[Lovemelongthai]

See how his body changes after having a child, size 10 to 14 is by no means fat. A man who loved you, will love you no matter what. Maybe this us just an excuse, if not do you want to be with someone so shallow?

[Elodeastar]

@AlphabetStew

OP is loooong gone. She last posted on page 4.

That often makes no difference on MN, ha ha.

[SocialConnection]

If this was from a woman saying how her husband had let himself go, put on weight, paid less attention to grooming and dress etc, the responses would all say 'you've got the ick'.

He's got the ick.

And he's told you, rather than letting it fester and maybe starting to look elsewhere.

So what do you want to do? Shrug and say 'this is me - take it or leave it'?

Do something about it?

Or take a good look at him ... and if it's going both ways, say 'let's both do something about it together'?

[AlphabetStew]

OP is loooong gone. She last posted on page 4.

[Notwithittoday]

Tell him to employ a cleaner and childminder so you can go to the gym and spend hours doing yourself up.

[FrustratedTeddyLamp]

@CharSiu

These threads always go the same way. If a woman posts this their DH are bastards if a woman posts their DH are getting fat she does not get lambasted.

Yes they are the same person inside but if DH went up four clothes sizes I wouldn’t like it. Attitudes to weight and people’s and the new normal of what is considered ok is why there is a type 2 diabetes crisis in the UK.

I would take complete umbrage with comments about clothes and hair though that’s very much dress up doll territory.

This

[nalabae]

He’s horrible and rude.

[Elodeastar]

Two strands - firstly, he does have a bit of a cheek saying that! 'Let yourself go' is a horrible phrase - does anyone realistically think that people don't change as they age, or as life circumstances change? What actually does he expect you to look like/be like? Does he think you can stop time? Secondly - how do you feel, are you ok in yourself (phyiscally and mentally)? Do you feel like you need to make some changes in your life, diet, health, exercise, or are you happy that you are just not exactly the same age/shape/outlook as you were a few years ago? If you feel like you are not the 'you' you want to be, then address that, but don't do it because someone else has unrealistic expectations.

[CharSiu]

Sorry it’s two dress sizes must have mis read so no where near as much as I thought

[beardeddragon174]

OMG OP.

I was a size 8 when I met my DH, 12 years and 1 kid later I'm a 12-14 and he has never said a word about my body apart from reassuring me when I had a post-baby body meltdown and cried.

[CharSiu]

These threads always go the same way. If a woman posts this their DH are bastards if a woman posts their DH are getting fat she does not get lambasted.

Yes they are the same person inside but if DH went up four clothes sizes I wouldn’t like it. Attitudes to weight and people’s and the new normal of what is considered ok is why there is a type 2 diabetes crisis in the UK.

I would take complete umbrage with comments about clothes and hair though that’s very much dress up doll territory.

[mummania]

You should be loved for who you are. We are all going to get saggy here and there, that's ageing. Cant beat that. Him too. But who we are inside does not change. My former hubby made the same comments. Yes they were true. My exterior changed due to an unhappy marriage, and not having time to look after myself, because I was running around holding the fort while hubby did not do his fair share. The comments were just the icing. My marriage ended, but yours doesn't have to. But I highly suggest drawing the line. Making you feel bad about yourself is not acceptable, EVER. If you want to go back to your glam self, do it for you, not for him. If you do it for him, you will keep chasing an illusion, and you may not ever get there. All the best.