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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP's posts:
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Nnique · 21/03/2022 09:06

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

Ask? No. Why are you asking him? Tell him that since he wants you to look like you did when you were younger and had no child to look after, you are going to take the evening out 3 times a week (that’s the minimum you need to make a big difference to fitness level) to look after yourself, your body and your mind. Tell him you’ve thought about it and you agree, you’ve not had the time to do that.
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DuchessofSuffolk · 21/03/2022 09:00

Think this a bit mean on his part. From what I gather
You’ve gotten older (obviously) I used to be a size 8 when I was 21. I am now 32 and now matter how hard I try I don’t think I will ever be a size 8 again. I am a solid 10 and haven’t had any babies yet.
You’ve had his children - that changed your body, the amount of girls I know who say their hips and rib cage are a few inches wider. Like to see him grow a human!
You work part time now because you are looking after said tiny human - without sounding rude can you still afford to have your hair and nails done? When DH and I were saving for our first home I had to stop getting my nails done. All the extra money went to the house pot. If he wants you to get your hair and nails done perhaps he can pay for them himself!
Time - if you do
Most of the unpaid labour perhaps he should pull his socks up so you have time to do this things!

I’d be so hurt if my OH said something like this to me. I don’t think I would get over it. You need to tell him how much he has upset you. Am did you’re unhappy and want to change well then he needs to help you.

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mumda · 21/03/2022 08:59

Mumsnet really needs to get it's ads in order. I don't think this ad is sensitive to the thread.

Let myself go...DH says
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MrsClatterbuck · 21/03/2022 08:40

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

Only seeing this now. Sorry but I hope you told him that you were going to the gym 2 nights a week and that he was looking after dd. After all does he ask your permission to go to the gym?
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SunnySideUp2020 · 21/03/2022 08:39

@Fairislefandango

If the OP was always the type to change into PJs and a dressing gown in the evening, and to not get dressed until midday, then that would be one thing. But obviously she didn’t used to dot bad. Didn’t particularly see the appeal of it.

It might be worth reflecting on why some women change their habits and have less time, energy and motivation to spend on their appearance after having a child, while a man often blithely carries on as normal and wonders irritatedly why his wife isn't doing the same.

Because maybe, just maybe... it's because the physical and mental burden of pregnancy, childbirth, childcare and housework have fallen on her (even if she also hasa paid job), while his life continues unchanged. Oh, that and the fact that society's aesthetic expectations of him don't involve a fifth of the upkeep that they involve for women. Does that mean the OP has to be in her pyjamas? No. Does it mean she might feel like what's the point of getting dressed? Probably.

Exactly what is happening for me.

OP, i totally empathise. I am in the same situation. We prioritise our kid. They prioritise themselves. Always.
My DH has no guilt or issue telling me he will work out after work. It wouldn't cross his mind that maybe I need to work out more than he does.
But he will be the first to tell me how i gotten fat since we met and had the baby.
I find this hurtful but I honestly dont pay attention anymore. And I just say well when you start looking after your kid regularly so I can have time to go for a workout guess you will see a difference.
It never happens. Because he cant be bothered.

And ofc I dont like the way I look. But what's ny
My alternative? 🤔
I dont have any. So I am just waiting for when DD will start nursery and I will actually have time to start an exercise routine.

I am way past what he thinks. As for me, if you are not willing to help me then your opinion doesnt matter. Because clearly my well being doesnt matter to you.

Men are selfish beings. Most of them. That's a fact.
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Coolmama85 · 21/03/2022 08:36

@girlmom21

Tell him to fuck off.

AGREE!!
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Fairislefandango · 21/03/2022 08:25

If the OP was always the type to change into PJs and a dressing gown in the evening, and to not get dressed until midday, then that would be one thing. But obviously she didn’t used to dot bad. Didn’t particularly see the appeal of it.

It might be worth reflecting on why some women change their habits and have less time, energy and motivation to spend on their appearance after having a child, while a man often blithely carries on as normal and wonders irritatedly why his wife isn't doing the same.

Because maybe, just maybe... it's because the physical and mental burden of pregnancy, childbirth, childcare and housework have fallen on her (even if she also hasa paid job), while his life continues unchanged. Oh, that and the fact that society's aesthetic expectations of him don't involve a fifth of the upkeep that they involve for women. Does that mean the OP has to be in her pyjamas? No. Does it mean she might feel like what's the point of getting dressed? Probably.

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Sushi7 · 21/03/2022 08:15

I’m torn. Has he changed much? I think he was just being honest because it does seem that you’ve changed a lot. You’ve gained significant weight and stay in your PJs for most of the day. Would it help you (emotionally) if you got out more during the day? Would that bring your confidence back? Personally, even if I just fill in my brows and wear tinted moisturiser and get out of my PJs I feel so much happier.

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CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 21/03/2022 08:09

It’s not a great situation.
If he feels that way, that’s how he feels. So either you resist it, or you make an effort again.
It’s not nice to hear, but I would like my DH to tell me if I was letting myself go. I take pride in how I look for myself and for him. I want to look good for him. So, it’s up to you really.

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Sceptre86 · 21/03/2022 08:08

You've got a young child and put on weight that in itself isn't unreasonable and I appreciate that it is hard to get to the gym unless someone takes care of her. Do you have any family nearby who would take her for two hours twice a week? What I would be suggesting is you speak to your oh and say that he needs to take care of your child so you can get to the gym maybe in the evenings on your days off He can go on days where you are working. Also how much work does he do at home in terms of cooking, cleaning etc because you said he prioritises the gym over other stuff? The other stuff clearly still needs doing so am I wrong to assume it is you that does it? If there isn't so equal division of labour then I can understand feeling knackered by the evening and not having the motivation. Also with a young kid it is easy to get into the habit of eating whatever is to hand and I know I do this.

I don't mean to be harsh but you've only got the one child and can still do exercise at home should you want to. It's all about whether you think he has a point tbh and if this is something you want to do for yourself.

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ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 21/03/2022 07:48

@LadyMacduff

This is a zombie thread

Maybe so but still interesting and may have some good points of reference for some.
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Guavaf1sh · 21/03/2022 07:43

But it’s not a proper zombie as it only started in December. How long does a thread need to be inactive before it’s termed a zombie? A year?

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Beautifulmonster87 · 21/03/2022 07:40

@Embarrassed1987

I just don’t have the same time that I used to, we have a daughter who is 2 and she takes up a huge amount of time. So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I would like to lose weight, and I do dress nicely when we go out, do hair and makeup etc) but that’s not often at the moment!

I think it’s a shame you’re not dressed until noon. I have a 3yr old, he’s hard work and I work 2 days a week. I always without fail make sure we are both dressed and I do my hair and put a bit of makeup on. It makes me feel better. If you feel ok not being dressed or with makeup that’s fine but it sounds like you aren’t happy about it either!! Take some time to make sure you are always at least dressed for the day, it might make you feel better.
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Nothappyatwork · 21/03/2022 07:29

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♀️

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Nothappyatwork · 21/03/2022 07:24

I think this is going to become more and more of a theme on Mumsnet over the next few years and it is massively driven by women dressed like a freaking Barbie doll dogs dinner every single time they go out with a man, basically they expect that because that’s what you’ve enticed them in with.
Same rules do not apply to them obviously.
When people put in fake tan on to go down and have a Caesarean and then posting online with their 10 second old newborn and a full face of make up and blow dried Barnett you can’t blame the poor buggers for getting confused. This is the genuine expectation of a hell of a lot of men under the age of 35

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Flopsy145 · 21/03/2022 06:54

When you're with someone you should love the person under the skin, not what they look like. I think this is more about how you feel, if you're not happy then he needs to pitch in to give you time to train, go to the salon etc.
But if you're happy chilling in a dressing gown (I know I am haha) then he can shut the hell up. I can't imagine he's wearing a nice suit to relax in the house in is he! Also maybe he should take this all onboard and realise you're overworked and simply don't have any time to be you anymore, just mum and employee which I totally understand as I am in that position now and we put everyone before us.

Honestly I would guilt him so hard he paid for monthly salon and spa trips!
Stay strong, show him and your daughter that having a beautiful personality is the most important thing and it doesn't matter if you're in a dressing gown or ball gown just as long as you're happy with you

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HoppingPavlova · 21/03/2022 06:33

With women alot put on lots of make up, dye their hair, get their nails done, shave - basically look as flawless as possible.

Well, nothing to worry about here. I was too busy for any of that when I met my husband and probably looked a bit shit. Then post children a bit shit would have moved to incredibly shit but the baseline was low Grin. Seriously, I would have changed from going to the hairdresser once/twice a year to once every five years. No make up, nails etc and if at home no way am I getting out of PJ’s if I don’t have to go out even if it is 2pm. He copes without complaint- and yes, he is dressed etc, just respects my lack of time.

I do have the fix though. He gets to work 3 days also, he has the kids the 2 days he doesn’t work and you use those to get your hair and nails done, hit the gym and get your make up in order. Easily fixed!

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Jamn50 · 21/03/2022 06:22

That’s not ok. So far in our marriage I’ve been many sizes from 12 then 14 after Dd was born then 16 after DS was born then back to 12 then down to 10 and now I’m a 12. DH has NEVER said said anything. Loves me no matter what size or if I’ve had long short or whatever colour hair. We’ve been together 22 years both changed that’s what happens. You be proud of yourself and your body look at your DD and be proud that your body made a beautiful life!!!

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Seabreeze18 · 21/03/2022 05:56

I think it’s important to make an effort because often how u look changes how u feel. When I finally lost my baby weight I felt amazing and acted differently which made a huge difference in my marriage. Unfortunately during covid I put some back on and again it’s effected me negativity, but I make an effort with hair and makeup to some extent so that I feel better about myself. Also men are more visual than us women so u can’t blame him. Good luck!

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ISmellBurnings · 21/03/2022 05:50

ZOMBIE THREAD

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Stephthegreat · 21/03/2022 05:48

@1forAll74

Yes, let’s all be 1950s housewives! She should sit around with her heels and lipstick on just in case her appearance offends her dh.

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Stephthegreat · 21/03/2022 05:46

I know lots of people who are in their pjs most of the time at home! Wear what you want! Size 10-14 isn’t a massive leap, I think tbh there are other issues here. Maybe he’s trying to say you’ve grown apart.

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Twiglets1 · 21/03/2022 05:35

You sound a bit like me only I’ve gone from. 10 to a 16 😬
My husbands gone from a six pack to a fat pack though so I’m not too bothered

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2catsandhappy · 21/03/2022 04:32

Getting him to parent while you go to the gym is a good start. Also he can meal plan, shop and cook for a healthy eating plan. If he has to use his free time to manage this, well, he can change his priorities can't he @Embarrassed1987

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1forAll74 · 21/03/2022 03:46

You don't really need to be wearing a dressing gown and night clothes at lunch time, even with a small child or baby, it doesn't take long to put a bit of casual wear on, and a bit of lipstick on or the like. you will feel better for it in yourself..

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