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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP's posts:
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IncompleteSenten · 21/03/2022 11:50

I wonder what happened after she told him she wanted to take time for herself to go to the gym.

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Hotchox · 21/03/2022 11:20

Not going to read 18 pages of 'he can sod off' etc - only you know how upsetting he's being. Assuming he's still as trim and whatnot as when you got together (which is a MASSIVE assumption!!!) and assuming you want to improve how you look for yourself then I'd be tempted to get him to up his share of the housework and other time consuming house organising stuff, while you get to the yoga class/gym/park/hairdressers/nail place/whatever floats your boat.

But yeah, if he's let himself go too, then he needs reminding about stones and glass houses! Berk.

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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/03/2022 11:15

I do think it's important to make an effort. When I got married my husband stopped making any effort to clean his teeth or wash or look respectable, I wasn't expecting him to look like a Chippendale just not smell basically. However he would always moan if I had PJs on saying it wasn't "sexy" when I just wanted to be comfortable after work.
I think his communication skills are sadly lacking, it's really awful to sulk all afternoon then come out with that so rudely, he could have been nicer about it.
The happiest people I know are those who make an effort generally but are still happy to sit around in PJs in the evening.
I refuse to be married to anyone who wears great big Homer Simpson slippers though - that's a sigh they've lost the will to live.

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GreenClock · 21/03/2022 11:12

@Fairislefandango

If the OP was always the type to change into PJs and a dressing gown in the evening, and to not get dressed until midday, then that would be one thing. But obviously she didn’t used to dot bad. Didn’t particularly see the appeal of it.

It might be worth reflecting on why some women change their habits and have less time, energy and motivation to spend on their appearance after having a child, while a man often blithely carries on as normal and wonders irritatedly why his wife isn't doing the same.

Because maybe, just maybe... it's because the physical and mental burden of pregnancy, childbirth, childcare and housework have fallen on her (even if she also hasa paid job), while his life continues unchanged. Oh, that and the fact that society's aesthetic expectations of him don't involve a fifth of the upkeep that they involve for women. Does that mean the OP has to be in her pyjamas? No. Does it mean she might feel like what's the point of getting dressed? Probably.

👏🏻 well said
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aylis · 21/03/2022 11:01

Also this phrase ‘letting yourself go’ is absolute bullshit with its roots in pressuring women and making them feel shit about themselves. Get that so far in the bin

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aylis · 21/03/2022 10:59

I hope you’re going to go to the gym because you want to. When you have a toddler it’s important to spend any down time actually caring for yourself, not resenting it.

Apart from that, where the fuck are you supposed to wear your pjs and dressing and gown if not in your own home with your own family, youre not a fucking decoration

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Mamabear12 · 21/03/2022 10:50

Has his looks changed? Do you take care of yourself? Meaning eat right and exercise? TBH if my partner got bigger I would be concerned too. But not for his appearance for his health! It puts you at risk for heart disease, diabetes etc. I always gain a lot with each pregnancy (3 kids) and each time 23+ kilos gained! However, each time the weight comes off naturally. But it is probably because I naturally eat a good diet and get exercise walking. I sometimes go to the gym as well. I go to the gym to stay in good health. I am still the same size 8/10 as when we first met. A lot of people let themselves go after having kids and do not lose the weight....but this is bad for the health. As for the other stuff - make up etc...that is just superficial and I would only do it if you want to do it for yourself.

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Nnique · 21/03/2022 10:35

It’s a few months ago. That’s really not a zombie thread.

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amusedbush · 21/03/2022 10:34

* ZOMBIE THREAD *

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Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/03/2022 10:33

I agree with others, use his mean and nasty criticism to get more time and money for yourself and start getting your mojo back. Who knows in a couple of years when baby is off to school and you're back to usual self.... well perhaps you'll meet someone who will love you for you (and not how fuckable he thinks you are). And Id be feeling no guilt. What has been said, can never be unsaid.

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TheOrigRights · 21/03/2022 10:26

What's going on that you can't get out of your PJs before noon?

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D0lphine · 21/03/2022 10:20

This is completely up to you. Do you want to change?

If you don't want to change then don't change. You don't owe anyone pretty; it's not the price you pay to occupy the space named "female".

If you do want to change then explain to him that you need time and money for the gym and time and money for the salon and time and money to buy new clothes. So you expect him to have sole responsibility for the kids on x days at x times whilst you're at the gym / salon / clothes shopping, and you expect him to take on more household tasks.

See what he says! If he is willing to give time and money so you can pamper yourself and this is also something you want to do then go for it!

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HeavyHeidi · 21/03/2022 10:18

10 to 14 at least in my case is the difference between being described as slim or chubby/overweight. So quite a significant difference.
OP is of course long gone, but some of the replies on this tread are Confused.

If a man posted that he has gone up 2 sizes, stopped taking care of his appearance and slobs around in PJs until lunch; works part time and has one child to take care of, and wants his wife to pay for nanny and cleaner so he can go to the gym (like some posters believe OPs DH should do), he would be ripped to shreds.

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AuntMargo · 21/03/2022 10:15

oh and Hubby is now bald, with a pot belly

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AuntMargo · 21/03/2022 10:13

I am clearly a lot older than you, I have been with my husband since I was 16yrs old, I am now 56. I was a size 10, I am now a size 22, I was blonde, I am now completely grey. He had a full of head of hair, and muscles !! We all change!.

Tell you dick of an husband to f off, he is an ass hole. BTW we are still happily married.

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Maisa45 · 21/03/2022 10:09

He sounds horrible. It's not like you've gone up ten dress sizes - 2 sizes is not a huge deal especially after having a child. I wear makeup to work but whenever I'm at home I'm in my pjs and scruffy old dressing gown with hair tied up and no make up. Isn't it normal to want to be comfy at home? And is he some sort of Adonis? I suspect not.

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Sswhinesthebest · 21/03/2022 10:06

Did you have a chat op?

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StooOrangeyForCrows · 21/03/2022 10:03

I think some of the responses on here are a bit OTT. There have been loads of posts on here about no longer fancying DH because he's put on weight and doesn't take the care he used to. The responses are a country mile from the ones on here.

From your response, whilst you are upset by his remarks, you can see his point to a degree so you having gym time is a great start. It doesn't mean he hasn't been a dick about it so if he is a bad husband in other respects then you might want to consider your options obviously but do whatever you do for yourself as much as him.

Has he a foot halfway out the door already though?

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JennyHogon · 21/03/2022 10:03

@girlmom21

So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I'm on your side but I don't see how you're unable to get dressed before noon with a 2 year old

I was going to say exactly this. It is not hard to get dressed in the morning - especially not with only one 2 yr old around. Don't you ever go out with her in the mornings? Playgroups, library, whatever? As @girlmom21 says, I am on your side and think your husband should have been a bit more tactful - but I would find it deeply unattractive if my OH were still in their nightwear at lunchtime. That would be far worse and arguably more concerning than someone putting on a bit of weight or not having fake brows or false eyelashes.
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Justilou1 · 21/03/2022 09:51

@Embarrassed1987… Don’t forget that you need to also get him to allow you a sleep every weekend and at least a half day for hair, waxing, nails, tanning, whatever.
You’re also going to need to totally revamp your wardrobe, makeup and accessories, too? $$$$$

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impossible · 21/03/2022 09:38

Good luck with this. If you can prioritise your well-being you will start to feel better about yourself and more confident.
Caring for a toddler plus working three days is exhausting.

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Gonnagetgoing · 21/03/2022 09:34

@Embarrassed1987 - yes take more time for the gym etc.

If your beauty salon has evening or after work appointments (or even weekends, if you're free) then make sure DH looks after the toddler so you can go there too. In fact a voucher from the salon would make a lovely Mother's Day present for you.

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Chely · 21/03/2022 09:28

If my dh was such a CF I would cock punch him.

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Naunet · 21/03/2022 09:20

It might be worth reflecting on why some women change their habits and have less time, energy and motivation to spend on their appearance after having a child, while a man often blithely carries on as normal and wonders irritatedly why his wife isn't doing the same

Men also aren’t told that their natural state is so repulsively unappealing, that they have to paint their faces, shave half their body, have a long mane of preened and dyed hair….men get to just exist as nature intended. It takes very little effort for them compared to what’s expected of women.

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dollymuchymuchness · 21/03/2022 09:13

@Embarrassed1987

Thanks all, I’m going to leave it for tonight. But tomorrow I’m going to do as advised.

I’ll explain that I would like more time to myself to go to gym classes etc, but he needs to step up to enable me to do so. I’ll ask for 2 nights a week for him to look after DD from 5pm until bedtime.

Don’t ask him, tell him. But honestly @Embarrassed1987, size 14 is a normal size. You sound fine to me. 💐
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