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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

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arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2021 19:49

If you don't have the same time, and YOU would like balayage or whatever the word was again, then use this to your advantage! Next Saturday 9am 'dp, I'm off to have my hair and nails done. Like you wanted. And to go to the gym to get fit. Like you wanted. I'll be back at 7pm'

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1Dandelion1 · 04/12/2021 19:49

If he's that worried, he needs to pull his finger out and do more around the home to allow you some free time to take care of personal care needs (what ever tou feel you need beauty/exercise etc).

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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:49

*wrinkles! Damn autocorrect

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Scotabroad24 · 04/12/2021 19:48

This is awful to read. I'd be devastated if my DH said this to me.

Surely it's part and parcel of growing older together and being comfortable with each other.

I spend most days in leggings and jumpers, then my pj's as I'm a SAHM and often feel sad that I don't look like I used to but my DH tells me I'm beautiful no matter how I look!

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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:48

@DrSbaitso

He does look pretty similar, a few more winkies but still goes to the gym etc.

Neither of us have loads of free time with DD, but he has prioritised the gym in the time he does have.

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DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 19:46

@Embarrassed1987

I just don’t have the same time that I used to, we have a daughter who is 2 and she takes up a huge amount of time. So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I would like to lose weight, and I do dress nicely when we go out, do hair and makeup etc) but that’s not often at the moment!

You're not answering whether he still looks like he did when you married, and which of you has more free time.
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RedLemon · 04/12/2021 19:46

Just saw your update. You have a 2 year old- enough said mate. Tell him to get back to you when your DD is 5. Flowers we none of us are at our pinnacles at that stage.
My two are 5 & 7 and I feel like I’m finally myself and happy with myself again for the past 6 months or so.

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Blue4YOU · 04/12/2021 19:45

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years (married 11).
I’m 46.
I don’t have any wrinkles (don’t know how with lack of sleep and smoking and drinking).
I have lots of white hairs since I had my DD 4 years ago.
We’ve lost a child together, been through me being sexually assaulted by a doctor- umpteen other things - and our only DD is seriously disabled (but a total joy).
He’s put on weight, lost weight, gained weight.
I went from size 10 to 12 with a c-section stomach and not being able to work (unpaid carer) so boring and have PTSD and high anxiety from the assault.
I recently cut my hair off out of stress from how hot my head got in anxiety attacks.
I’ve self-harmed through disgust at myself (assault sometimes does that).
I’m no 28 year old as I was when we met.
We still fancy each other and love each other and if he said something like your DH said to me, I’d seriously consider leaving.
If you just like the wrapping what’s the point in the present?

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simpledeer · 04/12/2021 19:45

Absolutely he can fuck off.

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fantasmasgoria1 · 04/12/2021 19:45

You are still looking after yourself but your routines have changed. You still get your hair trimmed etc. So what if you are wearing pyjamas. Me and my Fiance sit and watch TV etc in the evening both in our pyjamas. Is he still the same weight as when you met? Does he go to the hairdresser regularly etc?

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Helpstopthepain · 04/12/2021 19:43

What an absolute knob.

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Wombat69 · 04/12/2021 19:43

How is he looking?

I'd be off. That's a shit thing to say. Does he pull his weight? Do you have time to yourself?

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RedLemon · 04/12/2021 19:43

Wow. That’s an incredibly dickish thing to say. Really.

Even if he is a bronzed Adonis and you feel you’ve let things slide it’s still shit.

If he has a problem with how you look he should’ve gone with the in-it-together approach. “I feel like we’re just drifting into middle age without looking after ourselves… we don’t spend any proper time looking after our health/diet/exercise… we need to start focusing on our health/wellbeing and spending a bit more time and maybe money on making ourselves look and feel good etc etc. Let’s join a gym/I’ll start cooking healthy meals. Do you want some time to yourself for a massage or a salon trip?” Make it a positive mutual thing.

Agree with pps- does he pull his weight at home?

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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:42

I just don’t have the same time that I used to, we have a daughter who is 2 and she takes up a huge amount of time. So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I would like to lose weight, and I do dress nicely when we go out, do hair and makeup etc) but that’s not often at the moment!

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tiredanddangerous · 04/12/2021 19:42

Tell him to fuck off

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ChocChipPancake · 04/12/2021 19:41

@AnneLovesGilbert

Surely he married you for who you are and not what you look like.

Since a key part of attraction is what people look like it’s not unreasonable to have feelings if how your spouse looks changes a lot. Even if there’s a good reason for it. I adore my husband but if he put on 10 stone I wouldn’t be attracted to him. I wouldn’t have married him if he’d been 10 stone heavier so why would I want that now?

I completely get that

But size 10 when you're younger changing to a size 14 isn't that dramatic a difference.
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arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2021 19:39

I think you need to grow together as a couple.

So some are totally happy enjoying food and each other's company in pjs.

Some are still in to looks.

I guess if you're in different pages, it is a bit difficult.

Can you tell us more about your home life? Do you have the finances and time to do all you used to?

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AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2021 19:38

Surely he married you for who you are and not what you look like.

Since a key part of attraction is what people look like it’s not unreasonable to have feelings if how your spouse looks changes a lot. Even if there’s a good reason for it. I adore my husband but if he put on 10 stone I wouldn’t be attracted to him. I wouldn’t have married him if he’d been 10 stone heavier so why would I want that now?

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sassbott · 04/12/2021 19:38

Why are you asking us? Have you changed? Has he changed? What’s different (in the both of you) since marriage?

How people evolve within a relationship/ marriage is a deeply personal journey.

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Taoneusa · 04/12/2021 19:38

There isn’t “ something wrong with you”.

You’ve changed externally, is all. You’ve switched to a simpler way of self grooming.

It’s common, usual, to become easier and simpler when one is busier and / or more settled.

The expectation that you would have stayed the same over years is the problem!

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TopCatsTopHat · 04/12/2021 19:37

Which feels like the 'real you'? If a more focused level of personal grooming is where you want to be, it is likely circumstances are getting the better of you. You could talk to him about what is stopping you having the time /energy /motivation.
If on the other hand you're at home as things are now then you need to tell him that you're happy as you are and see if what it is that's bothering him about it is something that could be helped or if this is going to be a sticking point.

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AutumnLeaves21 · 04/12/2021 19:36

How much has he changed since marriage?
How’s your marriage other than this? Sex life?
I’m a bit torn here. I’ll probably get flamed but I do think it’s important to continue to put effort into your appearance into a marriage, for me, the sexual attraction has to be there. I wouldn’t be happy if DH gained a lot of weight and let himself go. I would broach the subject sensitively and kindly though. I hope he’d do the same for me.

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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/12/2021 19:36

The happiest people I know are happy to lounge in their onesies and PJs together at home and be normal and natural. They can still dress up and make an effort to look nice when they go out.
I wore makeup and looked nice every single day for my ex, he still left me for another woman.

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Avarua · 04/12/2021 19:36

Tell him you don't exist in this world for his visual pleasure and you'll do whatever the fuck you want to do with your own goddam body?

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girlmom21 · 04/12/2021 19:35

Tell him to fuck off.

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