Lone woman - weirdo?

[Fireatseaparks]

I'm a single woman without children (undecided but leaning heavily towards not having them as I've never felt 'the urge' or met anyone I could see myself having them with - of course that's assuming I have the choice at all, which I don't know having never tried).

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

My problem is this: I never noticed this when I was younger, but since my late twenties/early thirties, I've started to feel out of place going to cafes, wandering around markets etc. on my own, particularly at weekends when everyone seems to be part of a family.

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was one of me looking into a rock pool somewhere when I was about seven. I'd love to go and look in rock pools now, but I can't shake the feeling that a lone woman A) would look weird peering into rock pools by herself and B) I'd be scared of slipping or getting caught by the tide or something without anyone around to help.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

This feeling of being separate from society seems to be growing as I get older. There have been times when I've been sat at a table in a cafe at the weekend and I'm the ONLY one by myself in there. I feel like some sort of deviant, like I'm encroaching on other people's family space. I only go to cafes during the week now, when it's somehow more 'acceptable' and expected for people to be on their own.

I know this is my own problem and people probably don't really look at me and think 'is she alone, what a weirdo, why is she here' and even if they DID I shouldn't let it bother me. In other aspects of my life I'm confident and not overly bothered by opinions, but in this area, I can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I just sometimes feel like I'm a hanger-on on the outskirts of society. I know i need to get a grip and I appreciate if much rather be in this position than in an unhappy relationship or with children I can't cope with and I do count my blessings.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

[oknowimscared]

Haven’t RTFT, but I am single and childless. (And happy!) Top tip - take a notebook and pen if you’re eating alone in a restaurant. The staff go into “there’s a restaurant critic” mode and you get excellent service!
Oh - and I don’t know how old you are, but the friends with kids… hang in there. They’re busy and frazzled. They come back. Because they do want you in their life. Trust me - it gets better.

[Bluesparkled]

I’ve found this thought provoking OP, thank you. I have felt the same myself and find these days it still occasionally happens unexpectedly that I feel out of place when I walk into a cafe or something. I’ve concluded that I’m an introvert trying to make myself comfortable in environments sometimes more suited to extroverts and have learned to recognise what will make me more or less comfortable/weird. It is true that having a lot less time to myself (kids) has made me care a lot less, possibly as I know exactly what all those families and mums with kids are noticing- and it isn’t me!
People like you (and me these days!) looked so put together to me back in the early days of kids and things.

[Momo4321]

Let me give you a quick outline of what happened to me a few years back. I had been out shopping on my own and decided to stop and have a cup of tea (and rest my feet!) When I entered the café I noticed a lady sat by herself and after I got my cup of tea, I asked if I could sit with her at her table. Her reply was direct and to the point...
"No Thank You, I prefer to sit alone" So we sat on separate tables and in my head I was thinking 'Good for her'
I got up to leave before her and she gave me a big smile and waved. I think it's quite acceptable to eat, drink, dance, go to the movies, go hiking, etc. alone. Please enjoy your life .

[JessicaFletcherxx]

I'm in a very similar position to you OP. It doesn't worry me at all sitting in cafes, shopping, theatre etc on my own and don't feel judged or out of place at all.

I do however agree with you about the safety aspect. I'm happy to holiday by myself in an all inclusive type place but I wouldn't feel safe travelling around Scotland in a camper van (something I'd love to do) on my own in case of emergency, what if I was ill or had an accident in the middle of nowhere?

I also wouldn't go for a long walk in the countryside without at least a dog for company (which I don't have), people look at you so suspiciously and again I worry about true safety aspect.

I would say just do what you feel comfortable with but don't feel bad or judged for being on your own, I would imagine half the people there are envious of your peaceful time.

[Babdoc]

I'm 66, and my DH died 30 years ago. If I didn't go out on my own I'd never get out at all!
You soon get used to it, OP. I often have interesting conversations with whoever I end up sitting next to at the concert hall or theatre. I went along to a bridge club and a table tennis club by myself and made two nice groups of friends. I attend my local church regularly too, and happily go out walking alone round the local lochs and hills.
You have as much right to walk this earth and attend events as anyone else, OP - go for it!

[Dontknowanymore2]

Im 62 and go loads of places by myself. Cinema, lots of single people go. Cafes, day trips anywhere. You are just feeling self conscious.

[IamGusFring]

@EightWheelGirl

Why don’t you try and get a boyfriend? You don’t need to have kids.

OMG you do know you are going to be crucified ? 😂

[Whatsshedonenow]

I totally understand and often feel the same way (I’m in my 40s) Have you heard of Wild Women Excursions? I see them advertised and often think about going on one of their trips!

[TinselTinsel]

I'm actually quite sad that so many feel the same, that as a lone woman feel out of place. I have a son (soon to be 18 ) and have been single a long time through choice but I have never given a second thought to what people thing when I'm doing things alone rather than with my friends.
Having worked in hospitality, we frequently had lone females in the bar / restaurant and I never questioned why they were alone.

[Gilld69]

do it, go out and enjoy doing anything you want if people think it's odd then that's their problem, I don't think it's odd at all enjoy your life xxx

[maybloss2]

Hi op, I have a group of friends of whom I am the only one with a partner. The envy of each other’s lives seems to balance out.
When I was on my own I relished the fact my free time was just that. No one else to consider.
I understand your concerns about safety, sometimes this has occurred to me too. There are of course safety measures you can take to mitigate risks.
But most of all when I see a woman on her own if I have a thought it will generally be well good for her! Maybe though there is at least one activity you could find that involves other people? Even if it’s volunteering somewhere. It is good to feel some connection with others sometimes. I do think some of us are more comfortable with being a bit ‘outside’ the usual paths for women.

[TellingBone]

@Blueraccoon

If anyone can come up with a way of saving one's seat when going to the toilet in a cinema/cafe/pub/wherever then please share. grin

Yes! I try leaving a non valuable item on the chair but tend to come back to several people around my place and the best I can manage is an “excuse me” as I retrieve my item and move.

Like a scarf or something? Mmm. If it's something nice someone will think it's been abandoned and pinch it, or if you leave a newspaper the staff clear it and throw it out.

[Blueraccoon]

If anyone can come up with a way of saving one's seat when going to the toilet in a cinema/cafe/pub/wherever then please share. grin

Yes! I try leaving a non valuable item on the chair but tend to come back to several people around my place and the best I can manage is an “excuse me” as I retrieve my item and move.

[TellingBone]

Please stop suggesting we all get dogs!

In my particular case, we're not allowed pets where I live, and in any case when people who live alone are out at work all day it would be cruel to get one. Incidentally I did join borrowmydoggy but the nearest one to me in the time I was on there was four miles away and I don't drive [and most people on there are looking for dogsitters while they're at work].

If anyone can come up with a way of saving one's seat when going to the toilet in a cinema/cafe/pub/wherever then please share.

[cabingirl]

I wouldn't see a lone woman enjoying her leisure time as a weirdo.

But if it would help then you can imagine that people are actually looking at you and envying the freedom and peace you have. Or they imagine you are on some creative endevour.

Think of writers, artists, poets, photographers - all creatives tend to create their art alone.

You're not a lone weirdo - your an artist working on your latest project.

[CaptSkippy]

Before Corona, I traveled quite a bit for work. Most of the time I was traveling alone, or when I was traveling with other people we'd have different comitments and our schedules would not line up to do too many activities together.
I am so used to shopping, sightseeing and running errands by myself. Occasionally I take a break, I hit a cafe for a coffee and to check my messages.
I like doing things with other people, but I also like doing things alone. Certain activities I prefer to do alone, such a visiting a museum, because unless you both like the same exhibits as much, you will end up rushing each other through the bits the other find intereesting.

Doing things by yourself allows you to set the pace and to have complete freedom of choice.

I like hiking by myself too and I have at times wondered what would happen if I slipped off a rock or fell in a ravine. I am still glad I did it, despite the risk. Yes, I could end up another news post as "Female hiker's body found after being missing for several days." I'd still much rather take that risk than not live my life. As for people finding it weird? F*ck them. Would should you care? If you were so worried about other people's opinions you would have gotten married and had kids, despite being against it.

[Notmrsfitz]

Get it done - do it - go on !!!

How exciting that there’s all these adventures just waiting for you to go on, truth is if you had children you wouldn’t have time or energy and if you did you’d be worried about them being safe - a partner or another adult with you wouldn’t save you - you’re a grown ass woman you can do this !!!
You pay the same price for your coffee and stollen cake as everyone else you have every right to occupy a seat and have a life !! Nobody is looking at you and thinking you’re weird, nobody thinks you’re on the outskirts of society - only you!!

[madroid]

@CherryBlossomAutumn
We are social creatures and mostly spend our time in groups, so it’s quite tough mentally to have to spend so much time leisure wise on our own. It’s not just thinking about what others think, it’s just psychologically harder.

Not it isn't! What's hard is spending 10 hours trying to persuade your grumpy DH that going out would be fun. By the time he agrees, it's been so much effort it's zapped all the enjoyment out of it!

Then there's the disagreements when you get there. 'Shall we go and look at this? No, I just want to see that' and talking all through something you want to hear/read. Then there's, 'I want a cup of tea, a pint, something to eat' ... etc when you haven't even seen half of what you want to see.

Frankly, it's bliss to go and do stuff on my own nowadays, which I do regularly. I've never considered other people's perspectives of me. And I don't care what they're thinking as long as they keep it to themselves.

[Hertsgirl10]

What you need to do is stop thinking, start doing! You really are over thinking .. let me tell you as a mum, when I look at single people on their own doing fun things I think how lucky they are and they always look so content too. No stressing about the kids and free to do what they like, especially eating in cafes!! Restaurants or anywhere that is stressful with children.

Iv never once looked at a single woman and thought what a weirdo never even once.
I mean you could have kids and be enjoying a break, or at work or anything.

Never stop yourself doing anything because of what anyone else might think, who cares what people think?

[Tilltheend99]

If I saw you looking in a rock pool op I’d assume you were a scientist or naturalist or something cool like that.

I think, in terms of worrying about something happening when out on your own, that many women feel like that nowadays out alone wether they are single or not.

I’ve always enjoyed walking alone in nature but always at the back of my mind I am staying aware of my surroundings incase I need to make a quick escape. It’s just as bad if not worse in a town/city situation. We can’t let the what ifs stop us living our lives.

Definitely go out and explore and go to all the places you would like to visit.

[Blueraccoon]

I’ve travelled alone and done all kinds of things on my own like going to the cinema or a cafe and always have. It’s never really crossed my mind that people would judge me for this. On what basis?

Once I crossed America on an Amtrak double decker train. There was capacity for 28 people to dine per sitting in the dining car, 7 tables of 4. The guard would come along and tell you when your allocated slot was and which table you were on. So each meal I would be sitting with 3 strangers. It was great fun! The scenery was amazing 🤩

I wish my son would hurry up and grow up so I could get back to it all 😁

[3scape]

(sorry they have no kids but are always off adventuring anyway). I say go for it. Join adult learning if you need a group. Do an OU course for 'cover' o'r just get some books and give it a go

[3scape]

I've a friend who is in a not living together but very long term relationship. She's a wildlife expert. Always going out rock pooling and pond dipping, trawling rivers etc. OK. A lot of it is her work. BUT she runs sessions aimed at but not exclusively for adult learners. She joins local bat walks, she leads badger watches. A few charities (wildlife trust, rspb etc) run stuff that might interest you.

[Summersnake]

Well this is an interesting thread
I’m married with 4 children
And I’m often alone at weekends ,I’m starting to hate them,I never know what to do with myself
Husband works ,kids are adults and teens ,so not interested in spending time with mother .
Hoping to get some good ideas of here x

[Maximum71]

When you are sat alone in the cafe I bet 50% of the stressed out mums envy you.
I'm now a nana and 50 years old. I always go and look in rock pools even when I am on my own. I also love chatting to little children if there are any about - to find out what they can see in the pool. I always used to explore them with my dad when he was small and it brings back lovely memories. I really care less and less what people think of me. I look 'normal' but I don't feel normal. Be special and dare to be different- you'll discover you're quite 'normal' xx