I’ve been admitted to hospital at 37 weeks pg and my do didn’t want to join me
PinkFing · 29/11/2021 06:51
AIBU as he’s got work in the morning?
I’ve had a really intense migraine all night and have literally been crawling around our flat in pain. He didn’t want to wake up Ans was telling me to be quiet. At three I called a taxi to take me in after speaking to triage.
I asked if he wanted to come and he said no as he’s got work in the morning.
I’m now dosed up on strong pain relief and have been told I’m staying in tonight. He said he’ll pop by after work.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/11/2021 08:29
my dh preferred to be asleep while i was in labour
i had a bath, which made the labour progress, i thought it was for comfort
so he had to get out of bed.
but my dh is my dh and your dh is yours op.
RavenclawsRoar · 29/11/2021 08:28
You need to have serious words! What if you go into labour at night? Is he going to let you pop off to hospital to deliver the baby alone until he's had enough sleep?? Not to mention newborns are not exactly known for restful nighttimes...! I'd be furious - severe head pain can be a medical emergency (obviously glad it's not in your case!) and he showed a complete lack of compassion and kindness. Next time he's ill I certainly hope you don't show him one jot of sympathy. I'd really think less of him after this.
MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/11/2021 08:26
hope things get under control op
and i am sure you partner is nervous as well as excited.
will he take paternity leave?
LefttoherownDevizes · 29/11/2021 08:25
@PinkFing you say you've had a v sweet text from him, but has he apologised for abandoning you?
The very least if he was serious about things he should be grovelling his arse off
Outfoxedbyrabbits · 29/11/2021 08:23
He knows he’s got to get better at night. I keep telling him he’s got to help me!
You need to stop expecting him to change. He's not going to "get better" at night. If he can't get himself out of bed to support his pregnant partner with a migraine then what on earth makes you think he's going to get up at 3am to change a screaming baby's nappy? He's not going to magically have a personality transplant just because you keep telling him he's got to.
He thinks I’m terrible with money because I love shopping and I’m not good at saving. No debt though
You are not terrible with money then, are you? You're just in a relationship with an awful man who'd like to keep you down and get more control of you. DO NOT give him access to YOUR money (I'll bet he's not giving you access to his, is he?). MAKE SURE THE CHILD BENEFIT IS PAID TO YOU as this will continue to cover your state pension contributions while you are on maternity leave
Da1sycha1n · 29/11/2021 08:22
Aww, this is so sad to read OP, and I hope you're now feeling better physically? Will take a while emotionally I'm sure.
I totally empathise and it's really hard waiting for them to grow up, because they very often don't. We often forgive each of their uncaring/unpleasant actions and move on with life, but eventually it eats away at you.
All I can advise is that I wish SO MUCH I had acted differently with my ex and not forgiven and moved on each time he fucked up. I fell for the tears and apologies and promises for far too long. DCs are young adults now and I've been divorced 8 years, best decision I ever made, just wish I'd made it a lot sooner (after DC1 actually, he was a complete dick during pregnancy and after too).
Wishing you all the best, hope you stay well, have a good labour and really enjoy your baby. Only you know how much of his poor behaviour you are prepared to tolerate. Being a single parent is way easier than having a DC and an entitled Man Child though.
dworky · 29/11/2021 08:22
This man doesn't care about you & I'm afraid he's unlikely to care about his child when it's born.
You need to think about your future.
Whatwouldscullydo · 29/11/2021 08:21
Oh god so he's planyed seeds of doubt with regards to your financial capabilities.
That doesn't sound good op
Make sure you keep your own money!
He sounds financially controlling.
Sidehustle99 · 29/11/2021 08:20
Just over an hour and you've done a complete u turn. You know what he did was heartless otherwise you wouldn't have asked on here. Why are you so ready to wind your neck in. He hasn't even been to check on you or helped in any way. He's sent a text that's a very small gesture.
I know you are feeling vulnerable but it is how people treat you when you are like that that will stick with you. He should be holding your hand and you know it. Stick up for yourself.
I'm so glad he's getting excited about 'becoming a Dad' but he also needs to work on 'becoming a partner'. You really should need to be prompting him on this either.
Good luck OP with the rest of your pregnancy and beyond
GertietheGherkin · 29/11/2021 08:19
Why on Earth did even think having a baby with this guy was a good idea?
You said you'd fantasised he'd turn into an overprotective Father? Have you been testing that theory out? Have you grumbled a few times hoping he'd suddenly change?
Well he hasn't, and he won't. You now have two choices, stay and put up with being treated this way, or leave. That's the bottom line of it really isn't it? If you think presenting him with a baby is going to make him go all soft and caring, you know what his attitude will be. He won't offer any support at all. You'll be on here asking why he's not pulling his weight, helping with the baby, doing chores. Asking for advice on your relationship. It's dead in the water, his actions have shown you that. Spend the next few weeks preparing for your baby, you'll do far better without him.
Naunet · 29/11/2021 08:14
If this is what love looks like, I’ll pass.
EverdeRose · 29/11/2021 08:13
huge huge huge red flags here OP. Absolutely massive!!!!
He's not going to take a magical pill and become a brilliant dad offering help and support. It'll be your job.
It sounds like he's already beginning to financially isolate you and brainwash you into think you're not to be trusted with your own finances.
Totalwasteofpaper · 29/11/2021 08:12
He’s definitely going to be the birthing partner.
Unless he is sleepy.
Honestly start making a plan b. Keep your money and think about the birth cert VERY carefully
MyOtherProfile · 29/11/2021 08:12
DO NOT change your finances to go to him.
DO NOT make excuses for him now he has sent you a sweet text. He still badly let you down.
MrsWooster · 29/11/2021 08:10
When a man tells you what he is like, believe him.
He’s setting the bar for the rest of your relationship-it’s your responsibility, but you’re incompetent (rubbish with money etc-tho I bet he’s got debt etc but it’s somehow different when he does it..). Your needs (support, empathy) have NO merit, but his (partying, sleeping) are absolutely unchallengeable.
Now would be a really good time to challenge and reset some of this before you slip into the baby-years-blur and emerge in a few years with everything set in stone.
BonesInTheOcean · 29/11/2021 08:09
Based on what you have said here (I haven't looked at your posting history) I think you will be lucky to get any help. Also I wouldn't have another child with him.
RampantIvy · 29/11/2021 08:08
He just lives like one as in partying hard on his evenings off!
That’s a bit of a red flag IMO.
I’m getting mat pay from work directly to me. We’re going to change that soon as I’m rubbish with finances
No, please keep this money going to you. Being rubbish with finances is no excuse. Keep a spreadsheet of your expenses.
If you don't have a car how are you planning to get to hospital? Our taxi services where we live are rubbish just now, and if you are giving birth during then Christmas party period you might find a taxi difficult to get hold of.
LagunaBubbles · 29/11/2021 08:08
No I don’t have a plan b. I don’t think I’ll need one. He’s usually lovely which is why I posted this. It wasn’t his Normal but it gave me a sort of dreading feeling as he’s not being how I thought he’d be when I dreamt of being pregnant
Nothing you gave posted makes him sound lovely. You are backtracking now. Good luck, as you are going to need it.
NCnotmyusualone · 29/11/2021 08:07
So you were literally crawling around, in agony, and because it was nighttime he didn’t give a shit? That’s BS op, and excusing him now he’s sent a nice message is not doing yourself any favours. I’m really sorry, but this is not great, and probably a good indicator of how your next few years will be. Him not helping/being a selfish twat, then being nice so you forgive him….
Ask him if he would have been that shit in the middle of the night if you had gone into labour, or if in a few months time your baby is sick at 3am. He’ll say no, of course, but actions speak louder than words. I hate being woken up. Seriously love my sleep. I’d be up in a flash if anyone I cared about was in pain/in need, so that crap doesn’t cut it. He’s a selfish wanker.
Swap it round op, if he was crawling round in agony can you imagine for one second you would be telling him to pipe down as you needed your sleep? No, you’d be worried sick and up trying to help him.
Your addition now of him trying to control you financially is pretty scary too. Please keep your finances separate, as others have advised.
Also, Please stop minimising what he has done tonight because in the day he can be lovely. He just gave you a good old glimpse of just how much he cares about you and your baby. And it wasn’t great was it? Sadly I really don’t think he will step up to the plate when you need him to. He didn’t manage it this time did he.
NellieBertram · 29/11/2021 08:06
Keep your own money and give the baby your name!
Have a back up birth partner and make sure you have somewhere else to stay (your mum? Is she helpful?) after the birth just in case he turns shitty again.
diddl · 29/11/2021 08:05
"He’s definitely going to be the birthing partner."
Don't go making any noise if the poor lamb is tired!
DukkaDukka · 29/11/2021 08:04
Don’t let him look after your finances! You’re not married, you need to be careful. I’m afraid after a few weeks the novelty of having a baby will wear off and he’ll be back to partying. It’s a common theme on the relationship board. Think carefully about giving him your name. You shouldn’t have to hope someone will change, they often don’t.
diddl · 29/11/2021 08:03
He might be usually lovely but he's certainly showing a bloody great case of unlovliness now!
You were in pain with a migraine & he was telling you to shut up.
How do you get past such nasty behaviour?
I'd be telling him to fuck off with his "sweet text".
Too little too late.
JustDanceAddict · 29/11/2021 08:02
People’s true selves come out in a crisis.
It’s easy to be sweetness and light when things are calm.
Having a baby is not a calm experience. You said you’ll breastfeed but my dh still helped settle after baby had fed in the early days. And I couldn’t feed baby no.2 so we took turns doing the night shift. There’s ni guarantee you’ll be able to breastfeed but it’s easier to get through the early days if you have the support of your partner.
Def kept your pay in your account for goodness sakes esp if you’re not married.
Offmyfence · 29/11/2021 08:01
Telling you to keep quiet when you're in extreme pain?
What happens if your labour is through the night?
He sounds awful.
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