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I’ve been admitted to hospital at 37 weeks pg and my do didn’t want to join me
232

PinkFing · 29/11/2021 06:51

AIBU as he’s got work in the morning?

I’ve had a really intense migraine all night and have literally been crawling around our flat in pain. He didn’t want to wake up Ans was telling me to be quiet. At three I called a taxi to take me in after speaking to triage.

I asked if he wanted to come and he said no as he’s got work in the morning.

I’m now dosed up on strong pain relief and have been told I’m staying in tonight. He said he’ll pop by after work.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

TheOriginalEmu · 29/11/2021 11:53

@Totalwasteofpaper

Also as other suggest- give the baby your name and dont register him on the birth cert.

If he is the Prince you think he is you can change it in a few years. If he is a useless and /or absent partner and father your life will be MUCH easier this way.

You can’t legally deny a father putting his name on the birth certificate, he can go to court and the court will change the birth certificate. That’s a really unpleasant thing to do both to the father AND the child. Kids have the right to know who their dad is.
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altiara · 29/11/2021 11:50

37 weeks is full term, you could’ve gone in and had the baby! Especially if you thought it could be pre eclampsia.

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MushroomQueen · 29/11/2021 11:43

I'm 37 weeks today and there's no way my oh would have let me take myself. Sounds like an uncaring dick. I'm sorry you are experiencing this without support. Work or not he's being an awful support system at the most important time. Regardless if he was allowed in, he should have cared enough to take you.

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Mamamamasaurus · 29/11/2021 11:42

I say this as kindly as I can OP, but you're deluded. He won't change. If you growing his baby doesn't show him what change is needed, nothing will.



He doesn't like being woken at night? Who the fuck does? How on earth do you think he'll react to being woken up every hour, night after night? Because babies certainly don't get the 'dad doesn't like being woken up at night' memo.



You're minimising and defending his behaviour because he's thrown you some crumbs to keep you sweet.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 29/11/2021 11:39

If I was in that much pain (and I have severe migraines as well as having had several bouts of Pancreatitis) that I was on the floor in that state, my husband would have woke up quick smart in a panic, terrified something was wrong with me. He would have been so worried and alert to something being wrong, he would have been as awake as if someone tipped a large bucket of water right over him. He wouldn't be 'half asleep' if he thought something was wrong with me. Hearing me cry out like that would have jolted him awake.

Him being 'half asleep' is just not good enough. What if there is an emergency with you or one of the DCs, would he still be too 'half asleep' to get up? No, you'd be up like a shot as if water was thrown over you or a fire alarm went off. That he considered you of such a less priority that he was 'half asleep' when his 37 week pregnant mother of his child was in pain/danger says everything. His excuse is simply not good enough. When you have a partner and/or children, you don't get the luxury of that as an excuse. He's a bastard.

Good on you for keeping the maternity money, start putting some away to leave when you are stronger and gathered your self esteem. I'd also encourage him to buy/save for a car, it's the least he can do to provide for his family. Though he'll probably be too 'half asleep' to drive it in an emergency....

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Offmyfence · 29/11/2021 11:31

@PinkFing

Thanks for all your messages. On reflection I’m definitely not going to combine our Konya and keep getting mat leave paid to me. I think he worries as his own mum got into massive debt through catalogues when he was younger.

I’m still really hurt by his actions and after a sleep I’m feeling less forgiving.

He’s called and I reminded him that he was getting annoyed with my pain noises last night and he said he was sorry and must have been half asleep.

But it's ok for him to spend money "partying" hard? You really need to up your expectations.

Half asleep...... nah, it doesn't wash with me.
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whynotwhatknot · 29/11/2021 11:23

ah diddums

wtf you could have been seriously ill but please be quiet because the men is sleeping

prick

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PinkFing · 29/11/2021 11:12

Thanks for all your messages. On reflection I’m definitely not going to combine our Konya and keep getting mat leave paid to me. I think he worries as his own mum got into massive debt through catalogues when he was younger.

I’m still really hurt by his actions and after a sleep I’m feeling less forgiving.

He’s called and I reminded him that he was getting annoyed with my pain noises last night and he said he was sorry and must have been half asleep.

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Ourlady · 29/11/2021 11:08

This does not bode well for the future OP. This is not a man who cares for your welfare or his baby's.
I'm sorry you can't see what a selfish uncaring twat your partner is. I hope your fantasy of him becoming a loving daddy to your baby and a supportive partner comes true but I seriously doubt it.
Take care.

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BoredZelda · 29/11/2021 11:01

But even if he didn’t actually go in the taxi to the hospital with her, he could have comforted her whilst waiting, spoke to the hospital on the phone, made sure she had her bag/coat/notes.

Oh I agree. In the OP’s situation, a whole load more sympathy and concern should have been shown. The quoted post I took issue with was when PP suggested he should have gone with her anyway even though he wouldn’t be allowed in, just to show he cared. That’s a ludicrous suggestion and feeds in to some unrealistically romanticised view of what we should expect from a partner.

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HoppingPavlova · 29/11/2021 10:44

There were some me elements where I gave him the benefit of the doubt. If you don’t have a car, I understand you getting a cab as it does seem pointless getting a cab together to essentially drop you off and then he has to get home. However, I would expect constant communication in the cab with him checking you were okay and that you arrived safely and getting updates, not bunking off back to bed. Also, no hospital wants partners there at 3am in morn if you are admitted. If it’s a situation where you need to give birth sooner rather than later he could get a cab in and likely not miss the main event.

It’s all the other stuff though they makes him seem like a contender for prick of the universe. Sleeping through while you are unwell, telling you to be quiet while you are in pain, providing no support or follow up. Fucking hell, that’s abusive.

I do think you need to check expectation re excitement though. No idea who can be that excited for 9 months, I struggled to maintain it for a few weeks with my first then it was life as usual, then right at the end I was too tired to be excited. I wouldn’t have expected DH to be bursting out of his skin at any point. He was very excited at the actual births though when he met each.

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Kuachui · 29/11/2021 10:44

i mean you could have been losing your baby... the baby that should be loved by bothof you and it doesnt sound like he would care..

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Offmyfence · 29/11/2021 10:41

@DeepaBeesKit

Men only really become a father when the baby arrives. I can understand him wanting to continue work/not waste leave until the baby is actually here, which is probably what is driving his decision not to come with you.

Also being really rational, in the event that baby was going to arrive imminently, he needs to get all the sleep he can now! My contractions started at 10pm at night, I sent DH immediately to bed because we needed at least one of us to have had some sleep!

She is not in labour, she was in so much pain from a migraine she was crawling around. He told her to be quiet.

And some men only become a father when the baby arrives, don't judge all men by your low standards.
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starray · 29/11/2021 10:34

[quote Rosiiiiie]@PinkFing it’s not really the same as any migraine though. You’re 37 weeks!! For all he knows you could’ve gotten to hospital and they could’ve decided on an emergency Caesar![/quote]
Agree with this. Your partner is incredibly uncaring.. he's totally in the wrong.

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Sn0tnose · 29/11/2021 10:27

MN is full of very wise women who have seen and experienced all this shit a million times over and can see when it’s about to happen to someone else. You might think people are giving you a hard time but it is as clear as day what is in store for you over the next couple of years.

Nice, caring, loving partners do not leave their loved one crawling about in pain, even when they’re not heavily pregnant. What he did last night is bloody disgusting. It doesn’t matter whether or not he would have been allowed in with you. Taking 30 seconds to send a nice text doesn’t show he cares. It shows he’s careful enough not to push you too far in case you see him for what he is. You’re paying attention to his words when you should be paying attention to his actions. He might be excited about day trips and football matches and Christmas mornings but he’s completely unprepared for sleepless nights, shitty nappies and crying for ages.

I think you would be absolutely mad to transfer your money to his account.

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ClaudiaJ1 · 29/11/2021 10:27

@PinkFing

Sorry I should have said he can drive but we don’t have a car at the moment

He is not very responsible with money himself then, is he? His partner (who I guess he hasn't committed to/married you, so if you are not married you have no financial protections and if you are not married AND he controls your money, you are FUCKED) is pregnant, he can drive but can't even be arsed to get a car to take you to emergencies if needed and what about when baby comes? A car is necessary if you have small children.
The other posters are right. He is a selfish, controlling, cold hearted pos. My DH would be driving me to the hospital and waiting in triage. He would never have told a thirty-seven week pregnant woman to 'be quiet' as he'd be panicking more than me something was wrong.

And now, you satisfy yourself with the lousy crumbs he throws your way - on a text message, of all things. Sorry honey but where is your self respect? This man doesn't love you, he isn't committed to you or his child, and he instead of being up and helping you get ready (purse, overnight bag, etc) he admonishes you, a 37 week pregnant woman in pain. Wtf? Only the lowest of the low would tell a 37 week pregnant woman - in pain - to 'be quiet'. Why is your self esteem so low that you accept this pathetic, lousy treatment from him? He IS scum, like a previous poster said. He is as useful to you as an ashtray on a motorbike. And you haven't even had the baby yet, so just think of how much more useless he will be then, because if you think he'll step up, when he hasn't so far, you are fooling yourself. He will get worse. A lot of my love and respect for him would die the moment he told me, the 37 week pregnant mother of his child, to be quiet, and went back to sleep instead of helping to organise me for the ambulance which is what the base level of any semi decent partner does. The basest of base levels. I could never love him or respect him in the same way or look at him the same way from that moment on. Forget the text, ACTIONS mean more than words. A cheap text is tacky and pathetic. When someone shows you who they are with their actions and attitude, believe them.

And now he wants to control your money, when he hasn't even made the best financial decisions himself. I wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't have a car when he had a wife/partner and child. I wouldn't. Nor would I allow him any financial control when I don't even have the legal financial security of marriage, you're just allowing this man to control you and your finances when he has no business controlling anyone's finances, he can't even look after himself, his partner and child's security with something as basic as a car. You are setting yourself up to be controlled and financially abused with no protection or security for yourself.

Can you go to your mothers or sisters or anyone for now until the birth? Face it, your 'partner' is useless and won't be any help to you anyway, definitely don't have him as the birthing partner. He'll probably shout at you to be quiet when you're in labor! Hmm Listen to the posters on here; if we're all telling you he is truly a horrible, selfish, controlling and abusive man, it's because he is. If this isn't LTB category, I don't know what is.
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TherapistInATabard · 29/11/2021 10:14

@PinkFing

He knows he’s got to get better at night. I keep telling him he’s got to help me!

He thinks I’m terrible with money because I love shopping and I’m not good at saving. No debt though

Don’t let him tell you this. If you were in debt he might have a point, but it sounds like he just wants to control all the finances. Next time you need to post about him (and there will be a next time) do it on the Relationships board.
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43leftfeet · 29/11/2021 10:12

@PinkFing

That seems really extreme. He’d go mad if he found out. He’s the Dad!

We’ve never had relationship problems so I think he’s coming off badly on here. He was a total dick tonight though

Well, at least don't rush to register the baby. Give it a few weeks at least to see if he steps up. If not, then you have options.
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UniversalAunt · 29/11/2021 10:03

Ach, I cannot get past the first post by OP & no doubt much much has been said before,

But FFS you are 37 weeks pregnant, any pain any where requires attention. Your wellbeing & safety is the absolute priority. That the triage outcome did not shift his thinking (!) is a concern.

If he doesn’t have that common sense now, I doubt that he will wise up fast enough for you & baby.

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HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 29/11/2021 10:02

Flowers you’ve had a rough night.

As pp said, and I’m not saying this to be harsh, I promise...he’s not going to step up. If he was going to step up he would already have done so. Be prepared for your fantasies about that not to come true. He’s already shown you who he is.

Absolutely do not have your maternity pay redirected to his account - you have a child now, you need to be smart and you need to be able to look after yourself and your baby. If you’re used to the thrill of shopping you will just have to be disciplined and determined, because your baby will be relying on you.

Hope you feel better soon.

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Fizzbangwallop · 29/11/2021 09:57

  1. Your partner is scum. He told you to be quiet when you were in pain and left you to get a taxi on your own. These are the actions of a deeply selfish, uncaring man. A sweet text does not make up for his horrible behaviour.

  2. If you have no debt you are not bad with money. Do NOT give up your financial independence. Keep your maternity pay and child benefit going into your account.

  3. I know you may be thinking ‘What do all these strangers know? They all sound like they hate men’. Sadly, many of us here have had experience of very similar useless, immature partners. They don’t suddenly become good fathers because they will ALWAYS put their own needs first. They also tend to resent the baby taking up so much of their partner’s attention. Unfortunately, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

    Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy Flowers
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Irishfarmer · 29/11/2021 09:49

I'd be raging!! Where I am DH wouldn't be allowed into the hospital, but he sure as hell could have helped you when you were at home and at least got you into the taxi safely, then stayed on the phone to see you got there/ checked in, how everything went!! He needs to grow up.

As for the money, keep you own bank acc and maternity pay going in there. If you're rubbish at finances get better at it. Budget out what you need. If you want maybe get a joint acc and agree how much he needs from you monthly from rent/ bills etc and transfer over that and let him deal with it. But keep your own money. Not even just in case you spilt up, just because it is nice to have your own money that you don't need to discuss all the time.

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dhordp · 29/11/2021 09:45

Op good luck with the rest of the pregnancy, and focus on keeping yourself and your baby safe, but heed the warnings here. I was similar to you, minimised the unexpected crapness in pregnancy but it was in fact signs of character and red flags I missed. I don't think this guy will step up for you, or the baby, suddenly, just because you have given birth. Be careful, and keep money going to you. Get sorted over money, be organised and careful.

Love is caring for someone, not letting them crawl around in pain and get themselves to a hospital in the middle of the night. Being lovely at 7.30 am is not a sign that all is well. You don't have to make decisions now, though, focus on you and the baby for the timebeing.

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Fallagain · 29/11/2021 09:43

@PinkFing

That seems really extreme. He’d go mad if he found out. He’s the Dad!

We’ve never had relationship problems so I think he’s coming off badly on here. He was a total dick tonight though

Remember he is coming off as a dick because last night he was a dick. He may not always be so but last night when you needed him he was a dick.

Unfortunately pregnancy doesn’t make a man grow up. If your lucky then being a father may but it isn’t going to change his personality. You are going to need to be clear about your expectations and boundaries but yourself and with him to ensure your relationship survives parenthood.

The commando Dad book might be good for him to read. They are short and too the point and clearly explain what support women need in pregnancy, labour and how to parent.
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RedWingBoots · 29/11/2021 09:36

Please reconsider your relationship with this individual and make sure that as soon as possible after you give birth you are able to financial stand on your own two feet. So you must not give up work even if it is financially killing you.

I know both women and men with ex-partners who didn't take their illnesses seriously where they were hospitalised. None of them are together whether they have children or not.

Remember -
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

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