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I’ve been admitted to hospital at 37 weeks pg and my do didn’t want to join me
232

PinkFing · 29/11/2021 06:51

AIBU as he’s got work in the morning?

I’ve had a really intense migraine all night and have literally been crawling around our flat in pain. He didn’t want to wake up Ans was telling me to be quiet. At three I called a taxi to take me in after speaking to triage.

I asked if he wanted to come and he said no as he’s got work in the morning.

I’m now dosed up on strong pain relief and have been told I’m staying in tonight. He said he’ll pop by after work.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

NollaigNollaig · 30/11/2021 17:24

Gosh you have such low standards. I’d get up in the middle of the night for a friend in need never mind my partner, the person I’m supposed to love!!! Wishing you the best of luck with your new baby and useless partner. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Unfortunately I foresee you back on these threads in a few months complaining about your useless other half.

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DrSbaitso · 30/11/2021 15:23

If you don't give the baby his name, don't expect him to bond quickly.

If he refuses to bond with his own child based on their name, don't expect him to be a decent father in any other regards either. Although that's an expectation you should already have dropped.

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lifesgoodwithlg · 30/11/2021 13:29

Are you on the same thread where daddy of the year refused to get out of bed to accompany his partner to hospital when she had some symptoms of pre eclampsia?

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Merryoldgoat · 30/11/2021 13:00

If you don't give the baby his name, don't expect him to bond quickly

Wtaf??

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Austen33 · 30/11/2021 12:58

He expects you to give up excessive shopping. You expect him to give up excessive partying. Both seem sensible.

If you don't give the baby his name, don't expect him to bond quickly.

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TopCatsTopHat · 30/11/2021 12:46

goose1964 that is reassuring, lets hope it's just a case of different strengths and weaknesses. But I'm betting your dh didn't tell you he'd better handle the finances (that are yours) because you weren't making enough savings while simultaneously drinking all his spare money and demonstrating a total lack of care to you being a great pain while carrying his child.

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goose1964 · 30/11/2021 11:31

My DH was rubbish at night, he could sleep through the babies crying so Is have to wake him, than he'd take time to fully wake up. I would have fed the baby and got back to sleep by the time he was ready, but he was a brilliant dad at anyother time, he would happily change nappies, take the baby out so I could rest, do bath times etc. Funnily enough DD takes after him in the dynamite out of bed way and her DH used to do night feeds.

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FrenchBoule · 30/11/2021 10:14

OP, I didn’t notice if you’re married or not? If not please give baby your surname.You don’t have to mention that to your partner.

Definitely don’t combine your finances. His mother’s bad financial decisions and his issues around it are not your problem.

Good luck with the baby, hope your partner will pull his finger out. In case he doesn’t the separate name and finances don’t tie you to him and you can move back closer to your family and support network.

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RonaLisa · 30/11/2021 09:32

@PinkFing

Oh God. Of course I’m worried he won’t change. I’m secretly shitting it. He seems to really want to though. FWIW it’s not come, much more getting drunk and not coke.

If he really wanted to change, OP, he would have done so. It's just nonsense about getting his partying out of his system before the baby is born. He's an unreliable partner who gets angry with you for being in pain and won't help you. What's he going to be like if your child is in pain in the middle of the night and needs to go to hospital? If he can treat you like this, he can do it to your child as well.
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PinkFing · 30/11/2021 09:28

Oh God. Of course I’m worried he won’t change. I’m secretly shitting it. He seems to really want to though. FWIW it’s not come, much more getting drunk and not coke.

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Nanny0gg · 30/11/2021 09:19

I dont know if I've missed it but are you both very young?
I know you truly want everything to be ok but the only one who will end up being a parent here is you.

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TopCatsTopHat · 30/11/2021 09:16

He needs to manage your maternity pay cos you aren't good with money, despite the fact that you aren't in debt (which is good going if you aren't in a high income - who on a lower income can save money Confused)
But he splashes cash on drink and drugs which is a luxury item so presumably this is expendable income he using to do this yet he is simultaneously reducing your money management responsibly for not saving. Hypocrite much.
If he takes over your money you will be de-skilled and suffer loss of confidence in that area. To someone who is using double standards to justify it.

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Hoolahupsaresquare · 30/11/2021 09:14

Im not trying to be be unkind but is there a reason your standards are so low ?

Have you been in bad relationships before or did your parents have a poor relationship?

Obviously this is very personal so don’t feel you have to answer.

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Hoolahupsaresquare · 30/11/2021 09:11

Oh dear.

He’s not very kind to you, says you’re not good with money to be able to control your money, he’s partying (so drinking and drugs) when you’re heavily pregnant and doesn’t like getting up at night.

This doesn’t sound hopeful. You know he also won’t be “helping” you with the baby right ? It’s his baby. It’s called parenting.

Men don’t magically improve when they have a baby. They just leave it to someone else. That’s you OP.

What a mess.

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WeepingWinnie · 30/11/2021 09:08

Why on God's earth have you put a laughing face next to an admission that this bloody man spends his free time drinking and doing drugs when you're about to have a baby? I am evidently naive, but I was imagining daft lads' nights out with a couple of pints too many. Not regular boozing, and definitely not drugs.

This is not funny, OP. And you were seriously proposing to hand over your maternity pay to this man. As for We don’t have much money despite both working hard: do you know how much drink and booze cost? Plus you were saying earlier that you love to shop. You both need to get your acts together - though him more than you. His "partying" would actually be a deal-breaker for me. It sounds as if you get on with your family, so I'd be moving back to be closer to them in your situation, and leaving him to his "single man" lifestyle.

I appreciate only you know how really sweet and kind he is, blah, blah - but even my ex husband (who turned out to be abusive, though this wasn't clear until our children were older) got up with me in the night and stayed with me in hospital when I was in and out during my first pregnancy. In fact, one of the things that told me that our marriage was over was when we both had medical emergencies years later and neither of us went with or visited the other.

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Sn0tnose · 30/11/2021 09:06

I’m not minimising and it has changed my expectations once again but I don’t want one shitty action determine what is meant to be an exciting adventure for us

It’s not really just the one shitty action though, is it? He’s completely unprepared for the reality of being a parent. I understand why you’re clinging on to the hope that it will be an exciting adventure and that he’ll wake up the day after you’ve given birth as a changed man, but for your own sanity, you need to start thinking about Plan B and how you’re going to cope on your own.

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LadyFlumpalot · 30/11/2021 08:59

Over the years Mumsnet has taught me many valuable things, one of the most valuable has been "when someone shows you who they are, listen, believe them".

He has left his 37 weeks pregnant wife to crawl around a room in pain with a recognisable symptom of pre-eclampsia, a condition which if not treated promptly could result in him losing his wife and unborn child. I don't fucking care how early he had to be up in the morning...

For context, my husband had to go into A&E last week at 10pm. I phoned my stepdad, who is not even blood related, and since my mum died would be within his rights to walk away, to come look after the kids. Even though he has to be at work at 5am he dropped everything and rushed over.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you sound like you're bar is so low it's underground. When the baby arrives he won't be any help at all.

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DukkaDukka · 30/11/2021 08:51

He won’t give up the partying. I mean, he will temporarily but it will creep back in. Why do women always ‘hope’ men will change? They’re showing you who they are. This is who he is.

Look at all the threads started by women who’s husbands or partners have ‘hobbies’ and spend all weekend away from their families. They prioritise themselves.

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Merryoldgoat · 30/11/2021 08:48

Ffs.

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Tereseta · 30/11/2021 08:42

So basically he goes out and spends money that should be getting saved towards the baby and mat leave on drink and drugs, he tells you to be quiet when you are in pain while heavily pregnant and he wants you to give all the financial control to him...no red flags at all there then Confused it's OK though because he sent you a sweet text and made it all better!

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MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/11/2021 07:45

Worryingly you think it's funny that your OH is drinking and drug taking while you are 37 weeks pregnant

You think/hope he will change when the baby is here

Good luck with that

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43leftfeet · 30/11/2021 07:34

He needs to stop the partying right now.

Both DP and I come from a background of partying hard, no judgement here.

But you are 37 weeks pregnant. He needs to be sober 100% of the time, now, in case the baby comes. And then when the baby is here, he needs to be compos mentis and actually there to support you both. Please don't compromise or accept any excuses on this.

Have you had a conversation about this?

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ClaudiaJ1 · 30/11/2021 07:33

@MyOtherProfile

It's also a bit crap when you don't have much money that he's spending it on "partying hard". Another thing I'd want a big conversation about.

Yep, he's a hypocrite for worrying you'll turn into his mum while he goes and shoves your family money up his nose or pisses it down a drain. At least if his mum ordered things they would have lasted longer than the stuff he shoves up his nose. If anything, I think you should take control of his money so he doesn't piss and snort your DC's money away. Him being druggie (yes, even if it's not every day) and going on about you shows he has the highest nerve of all! How dare he? Every post you make about him just gets worse and worse and worse. Do you really want to bring your DC up around a druggie? Because believe me he will not change. They tend to get worse after the birth. If finding out he is going to be a father didn't stop him doing drugs to save up for his upcoming baby out of being excited, then he won't change after.
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lifesgoodwithlg · 30/11/2021 07:25

Sending love OP and strength as while your partner has said he's excited, he refused to bring you to hospital when you needed him, isn't good at nights.( Presumably without a nose bag) and is partying hard. I wish you the best but his actions are of a 16 year old. Can see a Disney dad of only the funtimes in the making

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TheWeeDonkey · 30/11/2021 07:03

@MyOtherProfile

Maybe getting it all out of his system before settling into Dad life
I admire your optimism. In your shoes I'd be having a big conversation with him about this.

In your shoes I'd be working on a plan B.

Is there a reason you're not near family? Did you move to be with him?

Your previous post at 11.30 last night he still hadn't come home? Was he still at work or doing something else?

I'm really concerned he doesn't have your back, being a mum to a new baby can feel incredibly isolating. What other support fo you have?

I'm sorry if I come across harsh, its just my way but I am very concerned about how you will both cope once LO is here.
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