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AIBU?

to tell?im torn in two here

36 replies

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 19:44

my little sister 15 has asked me to put her on the pill,although the thoght of my baby ds having sex makes me want to scream my thinking is she wouldnt want the pill if she wasnt intending on needing it and id rather her be safe than tell her no and let her get pregnant.my mother has asked her before if she wants to go on it to just ask but she is a bit unapprochable so ds wont ask her.the problem is do i tell my mother what im doing?i dont have the right to do it without her consent and my dh said what if ds had a terrible reaction and my parents couldnt tell docs she was on any medication.either way im going behind someones back sorry so long but please help

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amytheearwaxbanisher · 09/12/2007 00:11

thank lucyellensmum!im not sure if she would have to pay when i went on the pill i got it through my gp which costs50 quid a visit and i think the cost of the pill was about 12 quid per month she is in school son doesnt work so i would pay that for her if needs be not sure if family planning clinics would charge her they charged me when i went to get an implanon in about 300 altogether i think

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lucyellensmum · 09/12/2007 00:04

My DD1 is 17 and has contributed in no small way to my grey hairs and haggared look (and im only 37!). I often tried to get her to go on the pill, but she got quite upset with me about it. When she and her boyfriend took themself off to the FP clinic, she rang me and asked me to confirm a few things she didnt understand. It made me sad to think of my little girl having sex, i dont think she is ready, but thankfully she is using protection and feels able to talk to me about it.

Amy, im not sure about the law in ireland, but here it is a prescription only medicine. You say something about having to pay for her to go to a clinic to get it?? Is this the equivalent to the family planning clinic? Why does she have to pay? Is she not entitled to free contraception? However, i would assume the nurses at the clinic will be trained enough to be able to advise re any preexisting conditions etc.

You are right to worry about STDs, but no amount of worry is going to change what your sister does. Maybe you could speak to your sister about talking to your mum? Tell her that you know she will be fine about it and that you will go with her etc, that way you are not put on the spot if your mum finds out that you knew etc. But if your sister really objects i think you should respect this. From what you say, your sister sounds quite a bit like my DD and i would be much happier with her on the pill tbh. If your mum does find out and confronts you, you can then make it clear that you wanted your sister to tell her but she didnt feel she wanted to, it is understandable.

You sound like a great big sister though

chipmonkey · 08/12/2007 23:20

Yes, DBSS, but which is worse, having sex and feeling crap about it, or having sex, an STD and an unwanted pregnancy and feeling VERY crap about it? The first is the lesser of two evils IMO. Amy sounds like she knows her little sis very well.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 23:16

i know snoo but whats my choice to say youy and the chap sort it out i wont help?and then she gets pregnant?at 15 you think you no it all and me saying oh but your too young for sex is not going to stop her is it?

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DeathBySnooSnoo · 08/12/2007 23:09

i think her reasons for wanting the pill are the biggest issue here.i don't understand the 'if she's going to do it anyway then its better she's protected' attitude atall.i had boyfriends when i was 15 who wanted me to have sex with them and all the rest of it but i never even considered it as there was no way i was going to risk getting pregnant.

i think what is more important is not the risk of pregnancy or sti's but the possible emotional damage from having sex before she is ready,or with the wrong person.

if she is sure it's what she wants then maybe you could suggest both her and her boyfriend go to the gp/family planning together,and explain that if he's not prepared to share the responsibiltiy of contraception then he's not worth having sex with(cos lads who are like that will no doubt be useless pencil-dick 3 minute wonders)

3JinglesandnoBells · 08/12/2007 23:09

Can you tell that I just read a godawful(as in really sad & upsetting, not awfully written)book about a poor girl, that was raped...which was her first ever sexual encounter, and than died of AIDS....

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 23:05

i will do jingles shall tell her the pill does not effect stds and lots of things stop the pill working

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3JinglesandnoBells · 08/12/2007 22:53

Hmm..if you do help your sister to get the pill, telling your mom or not, make sure you make her aware of other problems that sex may carry....i.e. make her aware that dispite pill she also should always use a condom...

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 22:52

i looked up there number tonight only emergancies tomoro so will call on monday to suss it out mabey make an appointment for her and go with her,im going to have a big talk with her about waiting for the right person,being in love and respecting herself but at 15 she probably wont listen and thinks she knows it all anyway.im hoping she is going on it so she can tell her mates she is on it and be part of the gang and feel grown up or maybe im in denial there

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chipmonkey · 08/12/2007 22:41

Amy, why don't you ring the Well-woman Centre in Liffey St and ask their advice about the legalities etc. Just wondering as well, whether she could be, in her own way, testing the waters to see what you think about her having sex? Is the boyfriend pressurising her, do you think? Maybe no harm to tell her it's OK to say no till she's good and ready.
But agree that if she is going to have sex, it's better for her to be protected in every way possible.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 21:33

thank madamez ill try to get her to speak to my mam if she wont ill get her sorted anyway

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madamez · 08/12/2007 21:29

You can encourage her to speak to your mother, but for you to tell your mother would be an unethical breach of your sister's trust. It is much better that she has access both to contraceptive services and someone who will respect her confidence than that she feels she can't talk to anyone because they will treat her like a child and overrule her wishes.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 21:20

thanks eeveryone for your post feel better know thought i was being irresponible and betraying someone either way but my sister asked for my help and i shall give it and encourage her to speak to my mam i dont like that she is having sex but if she is better she do it safely than have an unwanted pregnancy at 15 thanks again

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Staceym11PipersPiping · 08/12/2007 21:13

amy, i put myself on the pill at 14, i was going to be sexually active so i took the safe route, always used condoms etc. my mum didnt know until i was nearly 16.

no-one knew, i dont think thats a terrible thing, yes if id had an adverse reaction it wouldnt have been brill but it will be in your notes that hospitals can access.

i would support her through it and keep your mouth shut but suggest to her she tell your mum as she wont react badly iykwim!

cazboldy · 08/12/2007 21:00

if she has talked to you about it then she wants your help.
help her and do not tell your mum, but explain to her that it would be for the best if she would tell her ( if not now, then at some point )
I got pregnant at 14 with ds1 when a condom split and the morning after pill did not work.

macdoodle · 08/12/2007 20:54

Amy you are not encouraging her..if she is asking she ha already done the deed or planning in the near future...would a pregnancy not be a far greater risk especially if you are in Ireland (ie no terminations)....at least she has someone she can trust..don't tell your mum she will never trust you again...encourage her to tell/ask herself or help as you can...
Dr WILL not/CANNOT tell your parents...

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 20:22

i agree that it was very sensible of her and im glad she trusts me probably best to give her the money,make her an appointment and let her sort it out

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amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 20:20

see all the posts have conflicting ideas!if i do keep it to myself i could be putting her in danger or encouraging her i dont know.tbh paula if i had a daughter i think id be happy she is looked after even if not by me contraception wise though im not her mother and my mam might feel completly different i know she was very upset years ago when my ds got her first period and told me instead of her and i left me to tell my mam

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weewishyouamerryonion · 08/12/2007 20:19

its great that your sister trusts you enough to speak to on such a personal issue. if you dont think you can keep this issue to yourself - then you need to tell your sister. you should not break her trust. you can of course encourage her to speak to your mum directly but i dont think it is your place to pass info to your mum without first at least letting your sister know you are intending to do that.

if she goes to a clinic and they deem her competent and that she will have sex whether or not they put her on a hormonal contraceptive, they will discuss and encourage her to speak to her parents. they will not however breach her confidentiality. your mother does not have a right to know.

i think it shows that your sis is acting in a responsible way to plan ahead around her contraceptive needs. she shoudl be praised for that.

paulaplumpbottom · 08/12/2007 20:16

It is something to consider. I wish I could have used Birth control but I was unable to because it would have put me at high risk for a stroke. She should see her GP

amytheearwaxbanisher · 08/12/2007 20:14

oh i thought they could in ireland so if i gave her the money for the clinic and prescription i wouldnt be doing anything wrong really might have a quiet word with my mam and ask her to keep it to herself and let me sort it out.i would prefare my ds to go herself as she has one or two health problems and i have no idea if the pill would effect them probably not but dh put the fright in me

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FrannyandZooey · 08/12/2007 20:12

I think if you keep your sister's trust here, then there is an adult looking out for her who she knows she can come to, if she needs help / advice in the future. If you tell your mum I think you will find she never confides in either of you again, and will be left without that safety net if she finds herself needing help. It's in her best interests all round to treat this confidentially.

paulaplumpbottom · 08/12/2007 20:10

I think you should put yourself in your mothers shoes. How would you feel.

She is your little sister and while its great that she feels she can come to you, you aren't her mother.

coldtits · 08/12/2007 20:09

They don't have any right to tell your mum, it's a breach of confidentiality if they do. The teachers have the right to tell your mum if they suspect she is having underaged sex - the doctors don't!

pinkteddy · 08/12/2007 20:08

The fact that she is under 16 does not constitute an exceptional circumstance btw!

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