One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

[Mummadeze]

My parents have helped me or my sister differently at different points in our lives. They paid for her wedding for example, but because I was hard up when I had my first child (and am not married), they bought me all the things I needed for the nursery. They also helped us both out at other life stages when we needed it, but at different times. They told me when they were helping her and just said it will all balance out and it more than has. Maybe your kids will understand their situations are different at the moment and probably will be again. Because I know my parents are generous and fair I would never have questioned their reasoning. Plus it is essentially their money for them to give out or not as they deem best.

[Holly60]

How about you give them both the same amount of money and then you take back the rent etc from DD. They start with the same amount each month/ term and then have to budget for all their expenses. You could sit with them both and work out what they need to pay for so that they can both see it is a fair way of doing it.

[BelleClapper]

So we’ve lost child benefit for her of course, which DH pays back through tax every year, but I physically get. So that’s £80 a month or so that we’ve lost (tax code won’t be adjusted until next year).

Obviously we pay for all her packed lunches, food at home, basic toiletries, any meals out or holidays or takeaways or things like that.

Then the £100+ pm petrol and her £25 phone. Oh also her £10pm iPad that was bought for college (now used for apprenticeship modules).

So we’re not grabbing money from her for no reason. There’s no profit! She is making a contribution. And she still has more money in her pocket than any of the rest of us in the house.

It’s not as simple as saying if we don’t need the money we shouldn’t take it. There’s different levels of need and frankly I don’t see why we should reduce our family income/add to outgoings to the tune of more than £250 a month when dd is willing and capable of contributing.

I don’t think that’s materialistic or grabby, just practical.

[subbysammiexoxo]

Also, you guys don't know if a parent had previously relied on child credits to top up the difference and now the daughter is working they lose that, nothing wrong with the daughter paying 40 pound a week towards bills and shopping if she's completing her apprenticeship training with money in the bank each month and a house to live at with food, she will be in a far better position than the brother.

[subbysammiexoxo]

I am eldest of five siblings and parents earn a decent wage I have paid my own way through a stem degree at uni, got a higher maintenance loan and then worked part time the first 2 years just finished years 3 of 4 working at least 20 hours a week with a first going into final year doing an internship alongside finishing to improve employability prospects after. By all means if you have to help with the rent difference and set him up for 6 weeks but he should be saving now to go and gain work while there

[Rosewood017]

I wouldn't charge my DC rent. If I did, it would go into a savings account for them to use towards a deposit later on, as suggested by others.

If my parents had charged me rent I would never have been able to save and be where I am now.

[Fr0thandBubble]

I wouldn’t charge my DC rent. I would tell them to hand over X amount every month and tell them it’s going in a savings account for them for a deposit for a house.

But to profit from them living with me and for them to feel like they are a lodger in their own home? No, I couldn’t do that. Not at any age and certainly not at 17 - she’s still a child.

[Funkyfuno]

Hmm.. Don't think I've been talking about "Dickensian scenarios" or "money grabbing" . Giving an honest opinion does not make "humourless sanctimony" :D sorry,but look who's exaggerating now?

Anyway, yep I do think op is wrong in charging a 17 year old who's starting her life.My opinion is based on the partial info I've gotten from the thread. There might be other factors. There may not be. Given neither you nor I know the full intent and story, we're both entitled to what we think. Bye now.

[Eatdrinkbemerry]

What @Pagwatch said.

You can’t say you’re giving an opinion and then say the OP is wrong.

[Pagwatch]

That’s not what you’re doing though Funky

You’ve decided that she’s wrong and therefore cruel and money grabbing etc etc because she’s dealing with her children differently to how you chose for yours

There’s no justification for pretending that ‘all things are equal’. Threads usually only give a snapshot and certainly I haven’t seen posts asking about the overall health of the ops relationship with her dd or any suggestions that this is anything other than a loving homec
So references to money grabbing are pretty foul.
It’s all just attempts to vindicate what much of this thread had been - thoroughly enjoying creating Dickensian scenarios and portray the op as a terrible mother
The truth is we all try to get this stuff right and the most loudly confident in their choices have usually got it wrong. If you’re confident then you rarely need to beat up strangers who make different decisions on the internetv

[Pagwatch]

Good lord FunkyFuno

I’m not sure being around humourless sanctimony is less damaging to a child than asking them to contribute to the homes bills

[Funkyfuno]

"There will be others who are entitled, lazy, selfish or irresponsible, I suspect that these two groups will be divided by the bonds with their parents, the self respect and independence they were taught and the love, affection and happiness contained in their homes"

Sure @pagwatch, it is complicated. But we're in a thread being given partial visibility into someone's life. Obviously comments and comparatives here are based on an assumption of "all else being equal" (all moderating factors surrounding how one is raised and experienced) Sorry if my post has felt unpleasant to you. I'm speaking from an honest place. OP in real life probably would get the hidden judgement and not the honest talk. It's better that if she asks opinions, she gets honest ones (though she no longer wants them I guess by the defensive look of her latest posts, but anyway)

[Pagwatch]

Two of mine are/were students. One finished, one (hopefully) going in September.
They’ll both get broadly the same level of support but my youngest intends to work.I’m not going to reduce her support because she’s got more outgoings by virtue of her hobbies and personality.
Eldest worked on his studies and the newspaper (became a journalist) and was pretty content with mates, his girlfriend, rugby and evenings in. He hates being given stuff. Always wants to pay his way. Always has
DD want to go out, to join clubs and societies and spends lots on clothes. She can earn that. So she’ll have more but she’s frankly more expensive. She’s happy if I pay for stuff but she wants to earn because she wants the independence. So they get treated slightly differently because they’re different and want different things.
You can’t always treat your kids exactly the same. It’s not always that easy. It’s why my middle son gets everything he wants. Life’s complicated and loving parents adjust

[Newkitchen123]

I have a sibling. No longer have my parents and we're both older and left the family home many years ago. Parents helped sibling financially over the years. I've never needed it but I wouldn't begrudge them a penny. The dice fell a different way for them. I know if I needed it I would have had help.
Fair isn't always equal

[Funkyfuno]

"Lolling now at ‘grabbing all her money’"

I'm not lolling at all. What @Coldwine75 said is very reasonable...op, do you need this money? Why not tell her to save instead ? Oh and OP, yes it is my opinion. I think we're entitled to it...

[RedHelenB]

Up until 18 I wouldn't charge anyway as they are still legally children unless I had to financially due to losing benefits say.

[Eatdrinkbemerry]

@Funkyfuno

My dad took money from me and my brother but not the other two siblings. He also gave money to my siblings to help them buy a property but not me. I was married by then and had bought a house with my partner and was worried about the others financial security.

I never felt it was distasteful and neither did it ruin relationships. I have such a strong relationship with my parents and siblings.

Again I’m not saying what my dad did is right, I’m trying to point out that every family will do things the way they feel is best for their family. And you have just decided that the OP or people like my father are materialistic. How and why?

[Pagwatch]

Lolling now at ‘grabbing all her money’

Why does it all keep getting so dramatic? Do you not sit down with a cup of coffee with your kids and say ‘hey let’s sort the finances out’. Is it always straight to Barbara Windsor?

[Newkitchen123]

@funkyfuno so where does that end?
Early 20s minimum wage job? Similar salary. Do they stay at home rent free forever? Where do you draw the line?

[Pagwatch]

Funkyfuno


There isn’t something ‘deeply wrong’ with a loving parent finding a route by which their child contributes to homelife.

Stop speaking in definitives about every other home that does not replicate your model. It’s hyperbolic and ridiculously arrogant.

There will be parents who send their child off into the world with a healthy view of family, financial responsibility, kindness and a good work ethic and are grateful for the support of their parents in whatever form that came

There will be others who are entitled, lazy, selfish or irresponsible, I suspect that these two groups will be divided by the bonds with their parents, the self respect and independence they were taught and the love, affection and happiness contained in their homes

I suspect that very little in either of those groups will have been entirely shaped by whether or not they get asked to contribute from their wages

You’re just being ridiculously simplistic and unpleasant because you’re trying to win an argument rather than consider that this is a complicated issue in a world where kids have too much stuff and not enough independence

[Coldwine75]

Why not encourage the young person to save up instead, why are you grabbing all her money? That's what Id do, and that still teaches them financial responsibilty .

[BelleClapper]

There's some deeply wrong with charging children to live at their family home. Very distasteful at the least, damaging family relations at worst.

In your opinion.

[Funkyfuno]

"She will be earning 12000! That a lot for someone that age! She will still have plenty left over.*

That's not the point. Parents have an obligation to help kids prepare for life. Help them get on their feet. I see there are 3 categories of commentors here:

Some people think charging their children for living in their home teaches responsibility.

Some are materialistic, and like getting some extra income from their children (this is how the op came across).

Others, inc me, think encouraging kids to work (as long as that doesn't interfere with studies or other goals) , encouraging them to save, invest, already teaches responsibility without taking advantage of their paycheck.

There's some deeply wrong with charging children to live at their family home. Very distasteful at the least, damaging family relations at worst.

[BelleClapper]

.

[HoneyDragon]

Actually on hindsight I think you are a dreadful parent for not treating your children exactly the same I think you should immediately return all the money to your daughter forthwith and then when you have done that also purchase your son at least five years worth of San pro. You got it for dd so ds should have some too. You neglectful witch you. I’m actually crying for your your poor tamponless son. CRYING.