One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

[Angrymama87]

So you resent her for doing badly? Thats what it sounds like.
For £250 a month she could move into a shared house and away from your clearly toxic favouritism. I did it on that exact wage and age. Bills all in. It was a while ago, but small rooms in shared houses can be found cheap. She is still a child and did well to get a job paying that much in this climate.

[BelleClapper]

Aw do you feel big and clever after bashing that out?

Sweet.

[LolaSmiles]

Is this still going?

We get it OP, your daughter's already felt like the middle child, but she has a cushy life that makes it fine to take money from a minor.
After 35 pages we hear that your son is such a wonderful hardworking young man, meanwhile your (still a child in the eyes of the law) daughter's rough year at college means you're further justified in taking money from her.

I have no idea why your daughter already feels sidelined and, IIRC you put it, middle child syndromed. Can't see how that could have happened at all


How many pages before we hear that the son is also a beacon of light in the community, single handedly saved a pony, universities were begging to have him, and everyone he knows says he is the most gentlemanly young man to have walked this earth?

[BelleClapper]

Hahah illegal!

Oh you are funny.

[samanthafortin]

bottom line: if you can’t financially support your children, don’t have children. She is using her daughters wages to help fund her sons schooling. That is not the daughters responsibility! It’s ILLEGAL to charge a minor (under 18) rent/board. Shame on you for enabling this kind of behavior. If she wants to teach her child financial responsibility, how will that be accomplished if the only thing she’s demonstrating is that she can’t be financially responsible herself? Relying on your child for money is PATHETIC. I make no apologies for anything I said and stand by all of It.

[Newkitchen123]

@samanthafortin

You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for this. Taking money from your younger daughter to support your older son? Regardless of her wage, she doesn’t owe you anything and that’s her hard earned money! Parents cannot charge their children for living with them! Children don’t have a choice! Shame on you and I feel horribly for your children. Some people should never have become parents, you’re those people.

She's earning 12k
She has a choice!

[Eatdrinkbemerry]

@Angrymama87 @samanthafortin
Think you both need to read all the OP posts. She is not taking from one and giving to another. She has said her son will work while studying.
Samantha- shame on you for saying she doesn’t deserve children. Who do you think you are saying that to someone? Perfect are you? She’s not skinning her child alive, she’s just taking £250 per month and leaving her 17 year old with £750 per month to do with what she wants.

@BelleClapper
you should just close this thread before you’re reported to social services for what a poor mother you are!

[BelleClapper]

Honestly this idea that DS is some pampered prince while poor DD is sent out to work is such a joke.

Have a word with yourselves.

Frankly the only reason DD is doing an apprenticeship is because she did fuck all at college this last year and her tutors said it was unsalvageable and they wouldn’t be offering her a second year.

DS meanwhile has worked his socks off, will be leaving college with a distinction and has unconditional offers to three universities.

[BelleClapper]

£100 (at least) is petrol costs.

£25 is her phone.

Have I EVER said that DS won’t be getting a job? Fuck you calling him lazy.

[Angrymama87]

I literally cant believe what i am reading. I think if it was a small amount, like £15 per week, it would be much less of an issue. But you are taking £250 a month? Thats completely excessive. She is 17! Let her enjoy it will she can. As for son, make his lazy ass get a job, at least for years 1 and 2. Complete p1ss take tbh. Glad you arent my mother.

[BelleClapper]

Comprehension skills not the greatest, love?

Don’t worry about it. My kids are fine and happy.

[samanthafortin]

How do you justify charging your child rent, then using It to support your other child? She will and should resent you. Be a parent and support your children. Pathetic you have to rely on your daughter to take care of your son. Adult children are different, but a 17yo girl financially supporting her 18yo brother just because mum made her? That’s just sad.

[BelleClapper]

Calm down dear.

[samanthafortin]

You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself for this. Taking money from your younger daughter to support your older son? Regardless of her wage, she doesn’t owe you anything and that’s her hard earned money! Parents cannot charge their children for living with them! Children don’t have a choice! Shame on you and I feel horribly for your children. Some people should never have become parents, you’re those people.

[13ighanne]

I’m the older daughter in a very similar situation. I went to Uni at 18, my sister stayed with my parents and did an apprenticeship. Like you, my parents charged my sister rent and sent me money, for very much the same reason: they wanted to teach us responsibility with money but also wanted to support us.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I do think you need to be careful about how you do this and the message you send. Your son has rent and bills to pay, your daughter is also being told she must pay rent and bills, all fair. However, I think some of what you have said raised red flags for me:
1: your daughter is 17, you have not mentioned anything about charging either of them rent in the past, did you not charge your son rent while he lived with you and went to college? Did he work? If he was allowed to live with you without paying rent until 18, regardless of his working situation, I think if I were either of your other children I would resent being charged rent before then and may well feel punished for not going to college/Uni.
2: you have said you are going to support your son and “hopefully” he will get a job, which suggests that you are putting a near unlimited and unequal financial support system in place for your son, which won’t teach him a work ethic or financial responsibility and could definitely cause resentment

Here is my suggestion:
1: unless you did charge your son rent at 17, I would suggest saying to your daughter and youngest child that they will not be charged rent until the September after they turn 18, this is then equal to what you provided your eldest child.

2: However, your initial discussion with your daughter was very fair, which was that she could do with learning some financial responsibility, etc, so I would suggest to her that she sends you money each month that you save for her, or set up a no withdrawal ISA for her, so that while she’s earning but under 18, she is still learning financial responsibility.

3: Limit your financial support to your son, and make it clear to all your children that this is what they would get when they leave. I would suggest £100 or £200 a month, for example, which should cover the rest of his rent, and expect him to get a job to make up the rest. Uni towns have plenty of places for students to work and students have a lot of time to work - I worked 4 days a week at McDonalds when I was at Uni and it honestly prepared me better for working as an adult than Uni did! This way you are also teaching him financial responsibility and making sure he develops a CV and workplace skills, and setting a clear expectation for your youngest child as to what their future could look like either way.

4: finally, make it clear that when he moves home (summers and after Uni) he will be expected to pay you rent as well. That way, there can be no resentment from your other children and instead you have made clear and fair rules for your household: live with me and pay rent, go to Uni and we will give you some support but you must also support yourself.

As a final thought - I discovered when I turned 30 and was no longer living at home that part of the rent my parents charged me (both my sister and I paid rent from the age of 16, and we both lived at home for some parts of our 20s and paid rent then), went into a savings account for me, so when I buy a house I already have a lump sum. I never knew at the time of course so the financial lessons were well learned! I’m not saying you should do that, but my sister and I felt really supported and it’s unbelievably wonderful to know now that I have some money for that.

[abstractprojection]

Will your DS be living at home or away for Uni? If away then they are paying rent just to someone else

[tigertreats]

Presumably the option to stay in non paid education was open to both of them? If so I think the situation you have is perfect. You're worrying unnecessarily. You can't make everything exactly even - one of them will earn more one day, one may have a happier relationship etc . Your choices have been based on what's good for them and I don't think you need to change you sound like a great parent

[Catcatcat1]

I believe that the best plan could be treat them both like adults and explain your plan to both of them in person. See what their opinions are on the matter. Perhaps your ds could get a part time job whilst at university to help pay his way?

[BelleClapper]

If you can’t see the difference between a 12yo and a 17yo earning a full time wage then I can’t help you.

Also my point about holidays is that DD wants to come and DS doesn’t. Should be putting £600 in his account to make up for not going?

[Funkyfuno]

Op just the fact that you're talking about a £10pm tablet charge to justify your charging your kid as lodger to live at her home, without actually putting the money in a savings account for her future makes me think that either you're in financial trouble, or materialistic (not "practical" as you put) . And holidays?! I mean, kids go on holidays with parents. Do you realise you're a family unit? Or do you think when kids are grown up to become teenagers, they aren't anymore automatically entitled to be in your holidays? Did you calculate your spenditure in the same way when they were 12? 15? I'm trying to figure out whether my horror at this thinking is cultural (I'm from South Europe, where this way of thinking would be shocking). Maybe not though given so many others have also thought so...

[Belladonna12]

@BelleClapper

I have no idea. I don’t have a crystal ball.

She has chosen to leave education and start work though, with the full knowledge that that would mean starting to contribute financially. Nothing has been decided without her input.

She made that decision the child though and won't necessarily have understood the inequality with regard to how you are treating her compared with her DS. That doesn't mean she won't get it in the future though. When her brother is earning a lot more than her she may reflect on the fact that you gave him money as a young adult whereas you took it from her .Given that you were posting initially about be worried about her being resentful I don't know why you would be more careful to treat them as equally as possible.

[BeyondMyWits]

In our house anyone who lives there contributes to the running of it. If you are working, you pay towards the bills, if not you help maintain a pleasant environment. Washing up, laundry, cleaning bathroom/kitchen, hoovering, gardening etc. It is "our" home... not just mine.

I have one at uni. We pay her rent. She lives on the (minimum) maintenance loan. Pays her own bills and food and books and travel etc.


When she was working and living in the same place for a year, before uni, she paid her own rent.

Our other is off to uni in Sept. She is working right now and contributes to food and bills at home. We will pay her rent at uni, she will pay the rest, like her sister.

We will be paying twice the amount for her rent as she will be in halls, her sister is sharing a flat.

No one is whinging that "she gets more" or nobody else has to pay etc, because they know how much life costs and we try to equalise everything ... not in actual monetary figures to the penny, but in general.

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

i am glad there have been helpful people on this thread op to make you break it down, just ignore the unhelpful posts, i would

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

op i have one at uni, i am unable to support as such, but she gets a loan, one living at home and working and one moved home after uni, it took a pandemic to bring her home,
i drive her to and from work three days a week,she pays me the minimum, petrol money, as she has plans to be gone in the autumn! and is saving
my ds at home pays rent but until this thread i hadnt even thought he might grumble about it. Shrugs,
the finance is a private matter, let it stay that way imo

[BelleClapper]

@Holly60

How about you give them both the same amount of money and then you take back the rent etc from DD. They start with the same amount each month/ term and then have to budget for all their expenses. You could sit with them both and work out what they need to pay for so that they can both see it is a fair way of doing it.

I don’t understand what you mean at all.

Give DS 12k a year to have the same as DD? Or top his loan up to 12k and then take the same amount from DD that DS pays for halls/food (£200 a week)?

Neither way is fair, or feasible. Their situations are (will be) WILDLY different.

DD is paying a bit of keep and walking around with £750pm in her pocket for fun stuff.

DS will be working PT to pay for food and socialising and we will likely top up the amount of rent due for halls that isn’t covered by his loan. He will have fuck all to spend in comparison.

That, by the way, is the reason I posted. Because I hadn’t thought further than taking from one while giving to the other. And helpful pp that have actually done it helped me break it down. That’s not the same as ignoring the other posts, I was never asking for advice on what to do, I was asking for advice on how to square it.