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CMS are shit. How do I prove my children are at home 5 nights?
106

Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 11:22

Ex has said he has shared care of kids, he claims he has them 3 nights. He does not he has them 1/2. This has drastically reduced maintenance.
I appealed and they said I have not proved that they are at home so many nights. How the fucking he'll do I prove they stay at home at least 5 nights? Send pics of them in their beds?!
I have to appeal at tribunal, please advise what you'd do??

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feckingknackered · 04/12/2021 13:12

@unicornsarereal72 thank you 😊 no he's always paid weekly direct but a lower amount he decided I was allowed. He's only just been informed so if he doesn't I might have to go direct pay?

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unicornsarereal72 · 04/12/2021 13:04

So pleased to hear it has been sorted. Are arrears coming directly from his employer?

Hopefully the right amount is being paid mow.

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mumof3almost4 · 04/12/2021 12:47

Update if anyone is interested. I sent an appeal at the time, randomly got a letter today to say the CMS has revised their decision and now ex owes me almost £1000. God knows if I'll get it though.

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EmeraldShamrock · 11/05/2021 01:19

It is absolutely ridiculous you have to prove this. Flowers

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Nats1984 · 11/05/2021 01:14

Firstly . Definitely go for a court arranged thing. My goodness it saved so much ongoing drama for my friend. In the mean time , communicate only by text or email about pick ups and drop offs, you should be able to do this without him twigging that you’re gathering evidence, you can use bullshit like your phone contract isn’t working so you only have house data so it’s all on WhatsApp. Screenshot a lot though. Accounts and conversations do vanish under certain circumstances. I had this from an ex, he paid 0 till she was 14, he played all sorts of games including malicious social services referrals . I put all the money into my daughters account towards her first car, once he’d been made to look an absolute prick by SS and CMS. And he’s still paying £60 per month ( back payment for the year he was lying and said she lived with him , she’d been to his house twice and couldn’t stand being molested by large dogs and watching his girlfriend have a drunken argument with her sister Grin)even though she’s 19 and in a really good job, because he’s a liar and a fool. Don’t let them get away with it. Claim what your child can, they’ll never give them what they deserve but my daughter high fived me when we got her money ( high earner got done for over 100 a week) and she was given every penny. She respects me for that. That’s bloody priceless.

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Beebeby · 11/05/2021 01:11

Could you ask the football coach to sign a letter confirming you take him. Any friendly neighbour who sees then leaving for school from your house . Your manager at work who knows you can’t work late for childcare. All together it is evidence even if not great individually. If they use public transport go with them to bus stop you might know someone who gets the same bus. You shouldn’t have too it’s shit but something might crop up that’s useful.

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Rejoiningperson · 11/05/2021 00:59

I think in many cases it’s the man not wanting the ex to be spending his money. These men just assume that their ex is out buying herself nice things with his money. This excuse is the lowest of the low. As if there are thousands of single mothers raking it in from the CMS!! What universe are you on that you would enable and defend that ridiculous, demeaning and horrific argument?

All these men who ‘trust’ the mothers to have the kids most of the time... but oh wait... can’t ‘trust’ them with with the money to do it.

I’m absolutely sick of men who don’t pay for their kids. Sick of them. The CMS is the lowest enforceable amount. It’s not even half of the what the kids cost. My own father included he was mean as anything and now wonders why I don’t think much of him. Why? Because he clearly didn’t think much of me to penny pinch like that when he was getting a great deal - his kids bought up by a good parent, while he did whatever he liked, Disney parented when he felt like it, but he wanted his cake (his life) and the icing I (to keep his money). What an asshole. My Ex the same. My friends Exes. I don’t know a single one who pay fairly. If you are one? Fantastic, please tell other men to step up and be more like you.

Angry

With you OP. Far too many of us are but your kids need the role model that this isn’t ‘normal’ and this isn’t ‘ok’. They will grow to be fathers and mothers and we want them to break the cycle.

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ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 19:03

@Mumof3almost4

Football coach is a friend of his so can't approach him. Unfortunately I think I need the proof to come from the kids which is terrible

It is bad but it's not your fault. Their dad should never have put them in this situation. They probably thought they were doing a good thing and have now done themselves out of the maintenance.
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Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 18:56

Football coach is a friend of his so can't approach him. Unfortunately I think I need the proof to come from the kids which is terrible

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Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 18:55

DD has had same response and can see it's wrong. She is willing to speak to him about it. I said that we will have to go through court most likely and I'll need their help.

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GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/05/2021 18:35

Could football coach do letter saying it’s always you that drops them off? Could kids do another videos saying what nights they actually go to their Dad’s?

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Blacktothepink · 10/05/2021 18:16

Make him have them 4 nights a week

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alfafabean · 10/05/2021 17:58

I was told when I made my claim that in the absence of a court order the CMS take the word of the resident parent. If the resident parent says it's zero and non resident says otherwise they will go for 1night a week default.

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Cleverpolly3 · 10/05/2021 17:50

It’s a disgrace he’s embroiled them in his fraudulent behaviour
No wonder so many children end up seeing their fathers through less than rose tinted glasses
The irony is that if he actually did have them you can bet your life it would cost him way way more that whatever he pays to you for them now Angry

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CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2021 17:01

Sounds like an adult response from your DS. Hopefully DD will see the same sense and you can get this sorted quickly.

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ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 17:00

Glad the chat went ok. It can't be easy for them when their dad is telling them to say one thing.

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Mumof3almost4 · 10/05/2021 16:58

I've had a conversation with 13 yo. He said he didn't realise what it would mean and is going to speak to his dad as he actually got them to say they stay 3-4 nights a week and more often it's once a week. He realises this is wrong and will have a chat with Dick head dad and ask him to pay properly. If he refuses he's willing to help me evidence they're here and suggested pics himself. He wants to rectify his mistake. It was a very calm chat and I made sure he knew it's his dad in the wrong not him but to never lie again like this.
Not sure how the conversation with 15 yo will go yet, I'll broach it with her later x

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Onetraumaatatimeplease · 10/05/2021 16:06

You could ask them what proof they will accept, I'd also ask what proof he submitted to show that you have shared care.

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RosyRedRoses · 10/05/2021 15:03

Sorry to say even numerous court orders may not be enough. I had the court orders, he lived too far away and they still refused to believe me. When I asked for the SARS to put in a complaint the relevant phone calls were not included. He has lied about every single aspect and they have penalised me and the children each time, even though every time there has been evidence that they could verify I was being honest. Every deduction he has applied for he has been given without proof.

We aren't allowed to apply to court for maintenance under a certain amount anymore. As most resident parents are women, I would hazard a guess it is gender discrimination, as we have no other methods of enforcement than a system that consistently favours the nrp.

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Lovemusic33 · 10/05/2021 14:48

@shrewsigh

These men who want to pay as little as possible for their own children. I hate them. I really hate them.

I think in many cases it’s the man not wanting the ex to be spending his money. These men just assume that their ex is out buying herself nice things with his money.

OP states that he’s well off and flashes the cash with the kids, if that’s the case then the kids can ask when they need new underwear or clothes? I know it’s not just about clothes, it’s about food, bills etc.. too but OP saying she can’t afford underwear for the kids, why not just get them to ask him to take them shopping?
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DancyNancy · 10/05/2021 14:20

I think just arrange the 3rd night with him and let that be that. If kids are happy to lie for him they will surely be happy to stay the extra night there. It's very shitty situation putting them in the middle like that, but maybe it's the best thing all round then you get the benefit of a little extra you time. Hugs to you

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diddl · 10/05/2021 14:10

So the courts have seen the video of the kids saying that they are at their Dad's?

I think as a pp said you then have to send them for three nights.

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EmeraldShamrock · 10/05/2021 14:08

If he looks after their needs under his care I'd send them going forward for 3.5 days every week. He shouldn't have ever recorded the DC saying this.
What did they think it was for?
Are they teenagers?
Don't ask them to sign a letter too.

I'd clean toilets by toothbrush while they were away for an income before I'd take his money.
As they're old enough if their shoes rip "ask dad".

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itsasin77 · 10/05/2021 13:57

I absolutely feel your pain here!
My ex has done this with child benefit.
I’ve had to prove my children live with me, even though they have done so for last 17yrs and he is doing this to be difficult.
So I’ve had to go to the school and get them to do from my children are at my address, get a letter from the doctors to confirm my children are registered at my address with them, photo copy their bank statements, passports, dental records and thankfully I had a court order too:
It’s taken me 14 weeks to get resolved and he will get nothing for the Inconveniece caused to HMRC and myself other than a letter saying not entitled.
I also have a CMS claim for my children; but he refuses to pay and is illusion about his self employed income so I have diddly squat from him for that.
Good luck with this, but these are the avenues I would go down as I have listed above, despite the PITA of it all.
KNOBHEADS some of these men are! 😡

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shrewsigh · 10/05/2021 13:50

These men who want to pay as little as possible for their own children. I hate them. I really hate them.

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