To be really sad - he wants me to cancel

[Tomorrowmustbebrighter]

I’ve name changed incase he gets wind of this. DH and I are not exactly flush. I’ve been wanting to buy a couple of bits of cheap furniture for ages but we’ve not had money. Recently I was surprised that he told me to go for it and order what I wanted. I tried really hard to keep the pieces under total of a couple of hundred which he’d said was fine. He liked what I’d picked. I ordered it this morning and was so excited to spruce up the house a bit. He’s just called me through to the bedroom where he’s been sleeping off a hangover to act extremely annoyed about why I’d ordered this stuff claiming he didn’t think I’d be spending any where near that amount ( this isn’t true) and I need the cancel it. He was smirking. There’s a history of abuse for years( name calling, gaslighting, belittling, jealousy drinking too much, refusal to help with the kids, swearing at me) it’s got worse and worse over lockdown . So many people think he’s super charming and hilarious. They literally have no idea what a monster he really is. I don’t know why I’ve stayed in all honesty. I don’t know how I’m still here some days. It’s so hard to explain. Just today I feel utterly heart broken that he thinks it’s fun to take this from me. He knew how much it meant to me. I have been measuring up and looking on Pinterest etc. All for nothing . Just that bit of hope.

[SwedishK]

This is a large family law firm who do the first consultation free: www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk. Before you call, just check on Rightmove what your house could be worth, how much equity is there (if you know) and yours and (not-at-all D)H's salaries. If you know pensions and savings too that would help, but even without they should be able to tell you roughly what to expect.

[Tomorrowmustbebrighter]

I’ve decided that I’m not going to cancel. He spends hundreds on fags and booze. I buy nothing for myself. The kids are just going to have to accept my decision. He’s making me so so very unhappy that my physical and mental health are at risk

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Its not about the furniture OP, it's about leaving a horrible abusive relationship and finding a new life for yourself.

[Tomorrowmustbebrighter]

I’d happily live a simple life. You can’t put a price on freedom. If he goes to the shops even for half an hour I love it.

[goingtotown]

Women’s Aid will give practical advice. Ring them tomorrow.

[HebeMumsnet]

Hi there, OP. We're so sorry to hear you're having to put up with this at the moment.

We just wanted to pop by with a link to our domestic abuse webguide. There are lots of numbers on there and they're all happy to speak to people about all kinds of abuse (not just the physical kind). We hope you continue to get lots of support on this thread, but just thought a few numbers for professionals may be of use, too.

It sounds like you make a lovely home for your family and choose lovely things for your home, too. We hope you're able to find a solution to allow you to enjoy those things in peace some day.

[SwedishK]

@Tomorrowmustbebrighter

I’ve decided that I’m not going to cancel. He spends hundreds on fags and booze. I buy nothing for myself. The kids are just going to have to accept my decision. He’s making me so so very unhappy that my physical and mental health are at risk

Good decision. It's also not for you, it's for the house, the family. His booze and fags are just for him though.

[AmberItsACertainty]

Ok you want practical help. DC all teens so first thing is look for a full time job. DC taking themselves to and from school and letting themselves in of an evening because you're not home yet is fine. Set up a bank account in your name only, if all you have is joint ones. Start gathering up financial info, which will be needed to decide on split of assets in a divorce. Get legal advice regarding the divorce. All that is stuff you can do right now without telling DH.

If you need to extricate yourself slowly due to fear of violence contact Women's Aid for help making a plan of how to do it.

If you're after a quick getaway then look for somewhere to rent now. Try to make it somewhere safe and free from damp, don't worry about stuff like DC having to share a room or whether there's a garden. Gather a bag ready to go with all your important stuff like passports, phone and charger, your financial info, jewellery, anything else precious to you, hide it somewhere he won't find it. Have a clear out if you can, black sack all your favourite clothes for your best friends house the charity shop. Set up Universal Credit if applicable. When you get the keys to your new home, leave while he's out. You don't need to tell abusive people face to face that you're leaving, it's a good idea not to for safety sake. And you don't owe them any explanation of why, at all, ever. "The relationship doesn't work for me any more and I'm ending it" is all the info they need.

After you've left change address on everything, including for DC. Car log book and insurance, driving licence, GP, work, bank, pension, phone contract. Tell utilities at old address it's no longer anything to do with you so remove you from the bill, take meter readings if you can. If there's money in a joint account take out half, then tell the bank that you don't want joint account any more because you've split up. Do it instantly so he can't run up debts on a joint account that you're then half liable for. If there's a mortgage tell them too so hopefully he can't remortgage the house or anything until divorce is sorted out. Have child benefit put into your bank account.

[Tomorrowmustbebrighter]

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Its not about the furniture OP, it's about leaving a horrible abusive relationship and finding a new life for yourself.

Sorry I didn’t explain myself very well. I’m not cancelling but equally the decision of leaving him is one which I’m almost certainly going to take now- that’s what I mean when I say “ the kids will have to accept my decision. “

[jessstan2]

That is such a sad opening post. The man is a monster. Please extricate yourself from him, start planning now.

[LibrariesGiveUsPower45321]

You deserve better than this.

[Lotsachocolateplease]

Massive decision op but the right one.
I just wanted to wish you lots of luck and future happiness. You deserve it.

[udnertheradar]

Get out xx

[Perlea]

Well done on your willingness to think this through OP, it isn't easy. You seem to know you will be happier, from what you said about enjoying the time away feom him. Enjoy every bit of happiness and peace that is coming your way. I hope things are as smooth as can be getting there. All the best ❤

[pintsizeprincess]

Aw this post brought back horrible memories of how my first husband treated me. The cruelty, gas lighting, getting a kick out of promising something which he knew would make me happy then going back on his promise . Please please find the strength to leave this abusive, cruel man. You deserve so much better . I didn't have kids with him and it took me a while to gather the strength and I was scared as hell about the future but it just got to the stage when i realised this was only a half life I was living and I needed to leave.

I wish you all the very best OP. You can do it.

[AmberItsACertainty]

@Tomorrowmustbebrighter

I earn very little ( as I’m frequently reminded) so I just buy food shopping etc and clothes for kids. So that is a worry. We are also home owners

He'll have to pay maintenance depending on ages of DC, if they're too old to qualify for that get them to chip in from their wages if they're living with you. You'll have one less mouth to feed anyway.

[Jaichangecentfoisdenom]

Good luck, I wish you and your children only good things once you and their father have parted ways.

[Tomorrowmustbebrighter]

I’m overwhelmed by all your replies and very tearful.. so much kindness and love from you all. Thanks to you all so very very much. X

[Pansypotter123]

so I just buy food shopping etc and clothes for kids.

Do you pay for all the shopping and food for the kids? What are his financial contributions presently? Who pays the mortgage, is the house in joint names? Etc?

[goingtotown]

Don’t leave the home.
You need a divorce lawyer who will get a court order to have him leave the marital home.

[knittingaddict]

A person who is well known in the area of domestic abuse calls that the "smirk de triumph". It's that self satisfied smile that abusers have when they are thoroughly enjoying tripping you up and destroying you in the process. It's a really bad sign of a classic and dangerous abuser. There is only one thing to do and that's to get out as soon as possible.

[Candy500]

So sorry to read this and I hope you find a resolution that you are able to act on. I know its not as easy as just getting up and going but maybe to get some support first from somewhere to help you think through what to do

[Tomorrowmustbebrighter]

I didn’t realise the smirk was a common trait . Very concerning. I’ve always wondered why a person can look so pleased when they are about to say such awful things. He’s always done it. The lips start twitching like he’s trying not to laugh

[Cloverleaf20]

He’s enjoying playing games with you ! What a nasty vile man , leave it will get worse!!

[AnyOldPrion]

So glad to see the support you’re getting! The wonderful women of Mumsnet helped me get out. I’m now a thousand miles away from my ex and have all my teenage and young adult children nearby. I hope it works out for you too. He sounds horrible.