The past is not gone?

[Haifa85]

So I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year and a half now. He’s a genuinely lovely guy. He’s always been honest that he’s had a bit of a rubbish past, but it’s clear that all he wants now is to progress with his career, settle down, and enjoy family life. He would do anything for me and treats me so well.
A few weeks ago he asked me to type an email out for him, (English isn’t a first language for him and wanted it to look professional) so I’m in his email account and I see these saved addresses that are blatantly escorts. On closer inspection I realise the are trans escorts.
Obviously I confronted him. And obviously he denied all knowledge at first. Later he said it was just curiosity and it was years ago back when he used to drink a lot and use cocaine. Naturally I didn’t believe that it was just curiosity . If he was curious there are websites he could have browsed, you don’t email escorts out of curiosity.
Anyway a few days later he decided to tell me that it was a phase he went through In his partying days. Apparently it wasn’t sex it was only oral,🙄 it’s Not something he wants to do ever again, not something he enjoyed, but something he done a few times whilst under the influence a few years ago.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling like I can’t continue the relationship because of this? I don’t have a problem with anyone’s sexual preferences at all. But I’m not sure I’m ok with my partner or potential future husband having a fetish like that. I don’t honestly believe he’s given me the full story. Why would he? and I guess he doesn’t have to as it’s private and was before me.
He says the past is the past and I should forget it, but how do I know he won’t want to go there again one day. Fetishes don’t just disappear. Interested to hear other peoples opinions as I genuinely don’t know if I’m over reacting.

[Blockedoff]

@CartBfree don't try to change OPs thread into a "you're only upset because it's trans thread", OP has discovered her partner has different sexual preferences that she can't fill.

OP it's a lot to take on. I'd think you'll be having a lot of "what's he thinking" moments.

You say he no longer drinks, is that never drinks?

No problem not drinking, but is it because when he's had a drink, his inhibitions got and he's the "real" him? You know when you're sad and you can keep it together when your sober, but once you've had two glasses of wine, the sadness comes out and you're crying into your glass?

Is he denying the real him?

If he is bi, which loads of people are and loads have monogamous relationships, he needs to be 100% honest and open.

Good luck.

[ChocOrange1]

I would be more bothered about the fact he paid for sex (oral or not) than the fact they were trans. However, OP, you are not unreasonable to end a relationship for any reason or no reason, if you don't feel comfortable.

[Mintychocolate]

I have a pretty interesting past and have met lots of equally interesting men. Sex drugs and rock n roll as they say. But this would be a no. A) paying for it not once but multiple times. B) doing it in an organised manner on his own. Not stumbling into a brothel in soho when drunk on a Ladd night out And C) trans escorts which to me says bi at the very least.

Time will tell how you feel about this but I wouldn't be optimistic if it was me. You won't want to just dump him but it will eat away at you. Snd rightly so.

[daretodenim]

@CartBfree

Would you feel the same way if it had been men rather than trans?


I'm just curious if you'd feel this way if it had been say bi men rather than escorts?

What on earth does this have to do with anything? Being bi isn't synonymous with paying for sex!!

[Goatinthegarden]

Hmmm, I’d like to say I could rise above someone’s past if I genuinely thought they had changed. However, I really wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who had utilised any sex worker. I think it is rare to find a sex worker who is not vulnerable and I feel it says something about the person’s attitude to other people. He views them as objects to use for his own gratification.

[FrankButchersDickieBow]

@CartBfree

Would you feel the same way if it had been men rather than trans?

I'm just curious if you'd feel this way if it had been say bi men rather than escorts?

Why are you curious?

That really has nothing to do with you.

The OP has found out that her partner paid for sex with someone with a different sexual preference than what she assumed he had.

Surely that would be enough to worry anyone? You do not have to answer that question OP.

[Haifa85]

He doesn’t drink or use any drugs now. And has been that way for years. I’d obviously prefer that wasn’t part of his past but it was and he definitely isn’t into any of that now. So I accepted that for what it is. I felt proud for him that he was able to clean up his life to the extent he has. I mean the way he is now, I find it hard to even imagine that he was ever any different. So none of that is an issue for me. He was never addicted to drugs or alcohol, so it’s not something I’m worried about. He was just a party animal and a general idiot.
Im not sure how I’d feel if it was male escorts. I feel like the trans part is an issue because I see that as more of a fetish that he clearly has rather than a sexual orientation so I feel it’s harder to accept. I wouldn’t be happy if it was male escorts either, or female for their matter as it’s disgusting either way.

[CartBfree]

Would you feel the same way if it had been men rather than trans?


I'm just curious if you'd feel this way if it had been say bi men rather than escorts?

[Pogostickhellride]

A history of drinking too much, using cocaine and paying for sex acts. I would end it. This is not a man I would want to be settling down with. We all know relationships can get a bit dull a few years in. Especially with the pressure of children. I would not want to risk being with a man who will try and get his kicks paying for sex or taking drugs.

Also if you don't enjoy a trans person giving you oral, you don't keep going back to pay for more. Or save there email addresses for years.

[Haifa85]

Yeh I mean I’m really not ok with the fact he paid for sex regardless of if it was a woman or a trans person. That’s a real issue. But I could get past because I know that he was pretty stupid in his past. It’s more the fact that having an attraction to trans women I assume isn’t something you can just delete from your mind. It’s like being gay/straight. You can’t help what you like right? So can he really commit to saying it’s not something he would do again. I mean I can do many things but I can’t grow a penis 😬

[MonkeyNotOrgangrinder]

He paid for sex 🤮

[SheSaidHummingbird]

Even without going into the detail of the actual events, for me it would be the fact that the person who I am in a committed relationship with could so easily and blatantly lie to my face. Repeatedly. There is no trust and hence, respect, Do you want to commit to a future with a deceptive man who doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you? What else isn't he telling you?