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AIBU?

Actually, i need to know if dh is being unreasonable, to be furious with me, because...

46 replies

noonar · 07/11/2007 20:30

i spoke to my dear friend on the phone for half an hour, leaving him to put dd2 to bed and fix a snack before going to a PTA meeting.

now, this friend found out 2 weeks ago that she is 28 weeks pregnant. her world has been turned upside down. she's in her 40s and assumed she'd never have children. she's actually v happy, but has been overwhelmed by calls from well wishers so has not wanted to talk about it till now.

she rang me tonight, just before dd2 was due to go to bed. i had put dd1 to bed already, as she's poorly. now of course, 7pm is rarely a good time for phone calls, but i just couldnt bring myself to tell her to call back. i was so glad to hear from her and wanted to be there for her.

instead of fixing himself a snack, dh seemed to think that he couldnt think about food till i came off the phone. i stopped speaking to my friend 15 mins before he had to leave. he was livid, saying that i'd left him to do all the chores and that he'd had no food.

i realized that speaking to my friend would have a knock on affect on my own evening as i'd be doing the chores later, but didnt think for a minute that dh would 'martyr himself' by tidying up etc downstairs instead of fixing a snack.

i accept that he has reason to feel a bit annoyed, but does have the right to furious, in the circumstances? i'd never dream of chatting away normally, at this time of the evening, before the chore were done.

he said that i'd have reacted just the same. but the person he was talking to was in 'crisis' i think i'd be more understanding.

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VanillaPumpkin · 08/11/2007 19:47

Good, glad to hear of an apology.
TBH that sounds like me to get all stroppy, overreact spectacularly, look for problems everywhere, storm off and have to come back in 10 mins and apologise to DH.
I blame my hormones .

ivykaty44 · 08/11/2007 19:07

Has youe dh not got the nonse to say excuse me just for two mins - then state he is going to make a snack and then leave you to your convo on the phone.

Sounds to me like your dh is either a bit simple or just plain used to coming first and being looked after like a "prince"

My advice is to tell him he can't be a "prince" 24/7 and that is only for special sundays the rest of the time he is merly mortal and will have to muck in with the peasants...

noonar · 08/11/2007 19:01

hi vanilla. thanks for remebering me
i made sure i was in bed, pretending to be asleep when he got back. it was a late meeting and i couldnt cope with another scene.

he has apologised today and eaten humble pie

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VanillaPumpkin · 08/11/2007 10:58

So how was he when he got back Noonar?
If you are both working he needs to know that is a difficult day for you too. (Actually I am a full time SAHM and some days I need to hand the children straight over to DH as I have run out of energy for them and want time out to do dinner or whatever).
I agree that he was prob moody about having to go to the meeting in the first place and so was looking for problems....
Who says men don't have hormone issues

noonar · 07/11/2007 21:41

catsmother, he does sound victorian, doesnt he? but we actually do the evening stuff together usually,(and he more than pulls his weight) so maybe thats why he felt abandoned. youre all right, though. really shouldnt be defending him.

doodle, thats probaly spot on!

i really am off to bed now. i'll be up with feverish dd1 during the night, i can guarantee it.

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Doodledootoo · 07/11/2007 21:36

Message withdrawn

noonar · 07/11/2007 21:34

JWN, what words of wisdom. i think that there is an element of truth in all of the different perspectives that you mentioned. food for thought.

i think i've let go of some of my anger at him, now (which was borne out of sheer frustration and incredulity at his reaction). lets hope he returns home feeling remorseful, otherwise my anger may well return...

'night all. and thanks again xx

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catsmother · 07/11/2007 21:32

It sounds as if you more than pull your weight usually. So bloody what if you have an evening "off" .... except it wasn't even an evening was it, an hour maybe ?

Are you his paid cook/housekeeper ? ...... no. Then, and only then would he have any right to complain you were "chatting" on his time.

I like cooking usually but if I feel ill, am in the middle of something else, or plain don't feel like it, DP makes do, or I suggest a takeaway/trip to Tesco for a ready meal. If he ever had a paddy about "doing all the chores" when clearly a bit of tidying and putting HIS child to bed doesn't constitute "all" the chores anyway, let alone whingeing that he'd been left to feed himself (poor diddums) I would go mental. It'd be him crying by the time I'd finished.

Was he born in the Victorian era ?

jesuswhatnext · 07/11/2007 21:28

i think you need to step back and look at this - he can't boil a bit of pasta, he seems to think putting kids to bed is doing you a favour and then you say that his day is more stressful for him when you are working because he does the school run! (does he believe your day to have been stress free then?)

if you feel the need to defend him against what i have said then you probs have a very happy, strong marriage and tonight has been a bit of a one-off with both of you getting stroppy over not much - it won't kill either of you to have fish and chips once in a while

if, however, you feel that some of the negative comments on here are more than justified, have it out with him - you are his wife, not a bloody skivvy!

noonar · 07/11/2007 21:22

actually vanilla, you've made me think. i think i've been somehow programmed to be grateful that dh has sufficient flexibility in his work to 'allow' me to work too. like i have a debt of gratitude, somehow.

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noonar · 07/11/2007 21:20

vanilla, my dh comes out with that line too!

NNB, our house is coming onto he market and we have a cleaner in tomorrow, hence the tidying up obssession.

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Magicmayhem · 07/11/2007 21:19

sounds like he was a bit stressed out... like nnb said maybe something else is bothering and he's taking it out on you...

VanillaPumpkin · 07/11/2007 21:12

Er YANBU. He is being very childish and surely the days that you work are more stressful for you as well .
Hopefully he will realise what a wally he is being by the time he gets back.
My DH sometimes does this whole 'I didn't know what we are having' crap, but you dh even knew that so he must be having a very bad day. Good Luck!

noonar · 07/11/2007 21:09

he had to nerve to say 'i cant belive you were chatting away when we have sick children to put to bed' um...dd1 was in bed already. dd2 is now better, and he's the one who's GOING OUT when we supposedly have a house full of sick children.

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notnowbernard · 07/11/2007 21:08

Do you think there's something else pissing him off? Esp as you say he is not normally like this.

Kewcumber · 07/11/2007 21:07

he sounds in a particularly charmless mood this evening...

noonar · 07/11/2007 21:06

i think he was especially rude cos she didnt say a proper hello to him when he answered the phone. so petty, in the circs.

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Kewcumber · 07/11/2007 21:02

that wasn't quite the interruption I meant , I was thinking more of a quiet - "shall I put the pasta on now or are you not eating" kind of thing!

noonar · 07/11/2007 20:58

kew, he did come and interrupt actaully. he stormed in to say ' i've got a meeting in 20 minutes!' so lod that i bet my friend could hear

he was annoyed that she was mono-syllabic with him on the phone before he handed her to me. i pointed out that she may not have felt comfortable chatting, given her situation.

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noonar · 07/11/2007 20:54

ah, thanks everyone for being so kind. you are very reassuring and lovely and have cheered me up.

his reaction was so out of character. i do understand why he was put out, as the days when i work are more stressful for him as he does the school run too. but...i just honestly didnt think that by talking to my friend that i was giving him my share of the chores, (just postponing doing them myself) iyswim.

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Kewcumber · 07/11/2007 20:52

if he wasn't sure what you had planned to eat or wasn't sure if you wanted to eat or whatever - couldn't he have just interupted your phone call briefly to ask? That would seem the slightly more mature thing to do.

Is he wound up in general tonight and this was just the tipping point because it does seem a bit of an over reaction?

controlfreaky2 · 07/11/2007 20:51

quick! change the locks!
(only joking).

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kindersurprise · 07/11/2007 20:51

Don't get too upset, he is being totally unreasonable. Tell him not to behave like a teenager.

Well done for taking the time to speak to your friend.

oliveoil · 07/11/2007 20:50

text him and tell him to get you a sausage

noonar · 07/11/2007 20:49

he's actually tidied up beautifully, and clearly decided that the food bit was down to me. his conclusion then, was that i'd left it all to him . i didnt know he was tidying up and making packed lunches....i thought he'd be fixing a snack. he's now stormed off to the chip shop.

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