Controlling MIL?

[DidYouSayTea]

Name change for obvious reasons , but I really need some advise .

I’ve been with DH almost 7 years, married this year .
Our relationship is so strong and we have no issues . He stands by me , goes above and beyond , has been with me through some awful times . I have a good relationship with his Dad and I do get on with his Mum. A lot of people have said it’s nice that I can go out and do things with just them if DH is out or whatever .

Anyway recently she’s becoming quite controlling . But she does it in a clever way that really gets to you but isn’t obvious to other people. DH has my back and has stood his ground but it’s getting hard. She’s sent text messages about me to him saying I’m mean, but if I text her I get ‘nicey nice mood messages back so if DH didn’t show me the messages I’d be clueless which would be cruel really. I’d rather know.
For example , on our days off (we get your standard two days off but DH works very long hours so his days are are more precious than mine), we want to do things together as during the week we are often like passing ships . We like to go for walks together , go shopping and stuff. Or I’ll maybe be seeing my Mum who I see maybe once a month , or going out with friends . MIL has been getting offended , texting DH saying we never bother with her , why do I see my mum and not her, we don’t care about her, we are hurtful, etc .
Just to point out she’s in her 40’s she’s not a widowed 90 yo who doesn’t see anyone from the outside world.
We text her almost daily and always have as she has got offended before saying we never bother with her . I see her once a week sometimes more, DH once a week too and usually on his day off during the week if I’m at work so we can still see each other on the weekend if he’s not working.
It’s endless nagging , saying he’s changed and he use to be so close to her

Are we being unreasonable to feel bothered by this ? Are we not doing enough ?
I’m seeing her today and worried she’s going to say something to me after her blow up the other day.

[Greenwingmemories]

Your DH sounds lovely!

I usually get a bit fed up with the MiL threads as a mother of older sons as they often sound like six of one and half a dozen of another or show different treatment to saintly mothers and awful MiLs. In your case though, your MiL sounds really unreasonable. I agree you have to be consistent about how often you can see her, and stand your ground. But really it's only your DH that can do this, as he's the one who gets the messages. He has to keep replying like clockwork. Mum, please don't be unkind about Tea as it upsets me (I wouldn't mention you because it's better if she thinks she's not getting to you). We see you regularly and I call too. We have busy lives and we don't see anyone more often than this. Please stop sending these messages as it makes me not want to contact you.

This is irrelevant as to how you behave towards her, but I wonder why she's so needy. Did she have an insecure family background herself, or was she spoilt and a bit of a princess? It doesn't mean you should indulge her but it might explain why she's that way so you find it less hurtful/irritating.

[LightDrizzle]

• I hadn’t seen your latest posts when I typed that. It sounds more entrenched every time you post. It doesn’t look good, thank goodness your DH is unblinkered about her.
  

I too am amazed that people don’t see how counterproductive such behaviour is, it is much more common in old age, my own mum got a bit like that in her late 70’s and 80’s having been exasperated by the same thing with her own mum 30 years previously, but she wasn’t remotely like that in her 40s, 50s or 60s. Your MIL is my age or younger. You could have 50 years of this!
Hopefully she will mend her ways, but if she doesn’t, it won’t be your fault if she ends up seeing your DH twice a year if she’s lucky and having no further involvement.

[LightDrizzle]

Well for a start, stop ever seeing her on your own, without DH, as it’s not getting you anywhere and she’s bitching about you behind your back. Tell DH that if/when he gets a text or call moaning about that, he needs to tell her it’s her own fault; why would you choose to hang out with someone who is always nagging and then bitching about you behind your back? How would she like it? When she protests that she has done no such thing, he needs to man up and say you’ve seen the texts, you are his wife so of course he shared them with you, asa couple you are on the same team. She’s been totally unreasonable.
He needs to tell her their relationship is hanging by a thread as being nagged and guilted and hearing your wife, who has been nothing but friendly, slagged off, does not make her appealing company these days, and she used to be such fun.
Then he could suggest they both cool off and think about things, then wait a couple of weeks before ringing and asking if she’s free for a coffee/lunch whatever. If she’s still sulking, disengage and leave it again another 2 weeks etc.
She needs to realise that whining and bitching just pushes people away, which it does. She obviously can be normal since she was more so previously, not rewarding bad behaviour just might work.
Silly woman. You see her at least once a week! That’s a lot for many people. If he wants to ram it home he can point out that you don’t get any of this shit from your mum, who you see far less.

[MIdgebabe]

You are married, she's in her 40's..how old was she when she became a mum? Just wondering if she's invested her life in her kids and never really worked out who she is and how to be fulfilled under her own steam as it were?

[diddl]

When you get into a relationship things obviously change & it's hard to fit everyone in.

How often did your husband see his mum before he met & married you for example?

Does he ever take the chance to see her when you go to your mum?

I would have thought it's more about him than you.

[Aderyn19]

I think the only way you will control this is if she sees her behaviour linked to consequences. So see her less often. She'll know why. Harder for your dh because she is his mum but you don't have to spend time with her, certainly not without your husband present.
You don't want to end up in a situation down the line where she bad mouths you to your children. Or thinks she is entitled to see them whenever she wants, irrespective of your own plans.

[Penners99]

Move away. (Australia?)

[DidYouSayTea]

@Aderyn19 the last time it was super bad he said if she carries on he’ll stop seeing her and she’s lose out on seeing the children (in the future, we don’t have any yet’ and she stopped and said sorry , it won’t happen again etc etc and it has, didn’t last long !!

[DidYouSayTea]

@Londongirl86 you’re right I think it’s the letting go part because we never had major issues until we got married !! And she kind of turned on us a bit when we got our first home as home owners , but her DH said it was slight envy ??? But we worked hard to buy this house . My Mum is total polar opposite and doesn’t care (not in a bad way) whether she sees me once a week , once every two or once a month. She’s super chilled and knows we have a busy life and knows how valuable time is . So she lets me ring her when I can, which I do because she’s not pushy and doesn’t make me want to not see her !
DH sticks up for me big time and always has . He knows I’m not a bed person and knows I’m one of the kindest most genuine people out there ! I’m so open minded but she baffles me!

@Thingsdogetbetter I hope your username is true lol! DH only showed me as he mentioned he’d received a nasty message and I asked to see it . He said ‘there’s some things in it that aren’t the most nicest , don’t think anything of it we know she has an obvious issue’ and I said I’d like to read it , I’ve told him in the past I’d like to know what’s said , he’s never dumped it on me don’t worry. I’ve been dragged in from the get go on her part she’s really manipulative. But then so nice the next minute ! You talk a lot of sense thank you, we need to just get on with our life and forget what she thinks .
@aHintOfPercy exactly it makes you not want to see them . I hope to think when we have children we are as chilled out as my mum!!

[StreetwiseHercules]

“ saying he’s changed and he use to be so close to her”

There seems to be so many of these mothers and MILs. I have experienced it myself and I know so many who have experienced it or a variation of it.

I think these deranged Ms and MILs are a real problem in society. The damage they do to individuals stress and mental health levels is unreal and they damage societal cohesion.

[Aderyn19]

I would refuse to see anyone who bitched about me behind my back. Your dh should tell her that anymore of that nonsense will result in you both backing away fully.
Nip this in the bud. If you have children she will be a nightmare unless you deal with it now.

[aHintOfPercy]

Oh god, these demanding, moaning parents dont seem to understand that their whining makes you want to see less of them not more!

I have adult, married DC and I would never pressure them to see me; consequently they like to see me because im not constantly guilt tripping them. My in-laws are like yours, FIL shouts and MIL cries. We see them plenty but it's never enough. FIL shouting (at his 60 year old son!) "We never see you!" when DH sees them at least twice a week.

Just stick to your guns OP, her obvious issues are her problem not yours.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

1. She's going to martyr the same whether you see her once a day, once a week or once a month. So say sod it, and see her once a month.

1. Tell your dh to stop dumping HIS mother's guilt tactics on YOU. Why on earth is he sharing her guilt inducing martyrdom messages with you? All he's doing is abdicating responsibility onto you. Tell him you no longer want to know about her manipulative tactics. His mother, his issue to deal with, NOT yours. You can be blissfully ignorant and get on with you and her pretending all is fine. ONCE a month max!

1. Who cares if she thinks your mean! You know you're going above and beyond so ignore her childish attempts at being centre of the universe. Let her think what she likes and get on with your life.

1. Let her blow up, let her text and weep (which is what will come next). So far she's learnt that emotional manipulation gets her exactly what she wants! She's acting like a toddler demanding sweets. If you give in, she'll just want more sweets and up the manipulation: "You don't love me" etc etc. You are adults with backbones - start to use them or you'll put yourself at her beck and call forever.

[Winterdaysarehere]

Ime mil never had my mobile number....

Maybe Santa will bring you a new phone +number and just keep forgetting to give her it.
Nobody needs a mindfuck like her in their contacts...

[MzPumpkinPie]

She's jealous of you and she sounds awful.
I'm 44 and my DC are 10 and 12 but I can't imagine someone of my generation being such an old moaner.
She needs to understand he's not a little boy anymore.
He's a married man and she chose to have children.
He owes her nothing.
This behaviour is just going to alienate you both and then she will be abandoned.
I hate it when people make excuses for awfully difficult people by saying oh ignore them, that's just the way they are !
No excuse to be so ridiculous!

[Londongirl86]

Annoy eachother xx

[Londongirl86]

I think it's really common for mil and partners to clash. I personally think mines nice enough. She lives an hour away and spends most of her life helping her daughter out, so she's not in our faces. O actually like the fact we get on and don't another eachother.

Your lives are for you to live and as adults you do spend less time with your parents. Sometimes I think mums can't let go of their kids. It's quite a common thing amongst mothers and sons. Your partner should be sticking up for you though. It's pathetic on her part. X

[DidYouSayTea]

@Selfsettling3 no he doesn’t ever complain to me , I’ve even said before as a joke to his Dad who has told us to ignore her because ‘it’s just what she’s like’ and he’s said ‘DH says nothing but wonderful things about you and how good work is for you both’ and she’s said before ‘well I’m glad you both have a good life’ in a sarcastic way. DH challenged her the other day saying ‘how dare you talk to us like that, and how dare you say those things about my DW, we do nothing but good things for you and make so much effort to see you both what more do you want?’ And she said she feels let down and abandoned !! Me and DH have never had an argument so he wouldn’t even be moaning to her about that and I’ve never bad worded him to her either so not like she’s got protective over him . It’s so weird

[Selfsettling3]

I think DH needs to challenge this behaviour. Yes she will blow up but if he doesn’t it is only going to get worse. The longer he leaves it the more resentment there will be.

Does DH ever butch about you to his Mum? If yes then that will be why she thinks what’s she says is acceptable. If he is complaining about you to her then it needs to stop.