To not have the confidence to do anything

[Seriouslyscrewed]

I havent posted on here for ages but I'm just trying to find some advice.

I am in my late 20's with a 2.5yo DD and I work 3 days a week. I feel really lonely and like I dont belong to anything. I have freinds at work but they are stricty work freinds and anything we do together involves a lot of drinking which I am trying to step away from. I have my oldest freinds but we all have lives and kids and we dont see each other all that often. I have my partner who is great but we dont really have anything in common or something we both love that we can do together (expect for DD obviously)

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I just want to be part of a community of like minded people. Some kind of group or something.

I've looked at churches but I feel to young (? Feel free to tell me if I'm being silly here), I would love to do yoga or pilates classes but I just feel so stupid going on my own. My confidence is so low. What if people think I'm just stupid? Or dont like me? Or dont think I should be there.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I just feel like I'm missing out on a fulfilling life because I have zero confidence when it comes to social situations like that. Walking in to somewhere when I know nobody scares me to death.

I just want to feel like I belong to something and feel a sense of community that isnt family or work. Does that make any sense at all?

[GoldfishGirl]

Groups bonding over shared interests are always good. have a look at churches online, a lot of them have younger people's groups now and are quite trendy, trying to appeal to the younger generation. Book Clubs are good too! Choirs etc.

re. nerves, email the person before hand to make contact. go for smaller group sizes, 6-8.

re. Yoga and pilates, get there early for a space at the back of the class, not the front row, that's the norm as more experienced people go at the front. Also look for beginners courses.

Belonging and community are so important op xx

[Planetzog]

@Ivysaurus most of the mums will be in the same boat as you, on their own with their babies. There'll be someone friendly on the door who'll tell you what the set up is and you'll probably be offered tea and biscuits. There will prob be chairs set up around the soft play mats, just sit down and play with your baby and smile at the mums sitting near you. It will be very unpressured and it's likely you'll feel able to chat about your babies. The focus will be on the babies anyway if it's soft play. Do go!

[Sexykitten2005]

Honestly just sign up for stuff and go. I used to feel like you so this summer I made an effort to try absolutely everything that interested me. I’ve had the best year. Not everything has been great and I’ve met some idiots but I’ve also met some lovely people. Yoga is great because you don’t have to talk to people bar hello and goodbye so you can ease yourself in. Same with running try parkrun. Anything where you are focussed on something else is great because you can chat if you want but you don’t have to. How about some tennis lessons if you like fitness, they do rusty racquets at a place near me where you all work together or something more social like a fitness class. If you don’t try nothing will change

[Ivysaurus]

I'm the same! Terribly socially anxious. There is a baby soft play on Mondays in a church hall a short walk away from me I keep saying I will take my 10 month old one day but I wouldn't know what to do when I went inside, I wouldn't know anyone and so I just can't bring myself to take him :( never went to any baby classes for the same reason. It's hard to put yourself out there , I usually only go to new things if someone comes along with me

[Babdoc]

OP, I understand how you feel. I'm autistic and have terrible social anxiety. I was widowed when the kids were babies, and had few friends. My relatives were all hundreds of miles away. I was totally isolated.
I'd recommend you look for a church that has a thriving Sunday school and lots of young families. Feeling welcome, being part of a group, and knowing that God loves you, supports you and walks beside you always, is a great comfort and confidence boost.
Secondly, pick an activity you like - maybe that knitting group would be a good start, and go along just once. Tell yourself that if you don't like it, you don't have to stay and you don't have to go back. How bad can it be? If you don't like them, you've lost nothing. Don't worry about whether they like you - focus on what you think of THEM!
I went along to a Bridge club, many years ago. I was terrified. I spent many evenings rushing in and out of the loo between boards, out of sheer nerves!
But I stuck at it, and now I love it, I even run a teaching session for it, and I've met lots of interesting people.
Encouraged by that, I nervously went along to a table tennis club. Never having played it before. Only to find a lovely bunch, with a great sense of fun, who made me welcome and chatted to me over tea and biscuits at half time, and were very patient with my slow learning curve.
There's a lovely fun filled life out there waiting for you, OP. Just go along for a little taster session of things that interest you. Nothing terrible will happen if it doesn't suit, or you decide to try something else instead.
And each time you enjoy something, and have a nice evening, it boosts your confidence for the next one.
Ask God to hold your hand and give you the courage to try. And then go for it! Good luck.

[SarfE4sticated]

Yes, go along to church - they will love you - and look after you (well they will if they are worth their salt God = Love etc etc). Go to a few though, as you may not like the approach. Once you have found a church you like you can really get stuck in - helping out with jumble sales, cake sales etc, designing posters for events etc, doing crafts. It makes a massive difference to your self esteem when you think you are being useful (IMO). I always find hobby groups really difficult to get in to. Feel a bit like a sore thumb.

[Branster]

OP, that’s very hard. Do you actually know exactly what you enjoy doing? Are you open to trying new things? You might be able to find something in common with DH if you explore together.
When your DD starts nursery and school, you will meet and become friends with a lot of similar people.
It might not be practical but having a dog helps you meet a lot of like minded people too.
Is there something you love doing (you don’t have to be good at it) that you can volunteer for?
You mustn’t feel people would automatically judge you for your abilities. Be kind to yourself.

[Boopear]

Depending on where you are, is WI also an option? My local one (naice market town) is surprisingly a whole range of ages and great if you are into craft type things. Friends of mine are in a bigger city and there are loads of offshoot groups specifically for knitting, book club, walking etc. All very friendly.

[coastergirl]

@Seriouslyscrewed roughly what area are you in? I really struggle with socialising and making friends too.

[Seriouslyscrewed]

Baby and toddler groups are part of what's given me such a complex I think I did have some bad experiences when DD was younger. I did meet one mum from nursery as her DS is great freinds with my DD and they moved nursery so we swapped numbers to keep in touch a d have met up a few times. But that's all about the kids really rather than common interests

[Elieza]

Nursery mums group? Or are they all dead bitchy at yours?

[onceandneveragain]

Have you tried something like this? www.meetup.com/topics/stitch-n-bitch/ - I searched because you said you liek knitting and it's aimed at younger people, but if there's nothing nearby see what other groups are on Meetup. You definitely won't be seen as weird because the whole point of the site is to meet new people doing the same stuff you like.

With stuff like pilates, bear in mind that the age range will vary a lot depending on when/where you go - I went to a yoga class on my day off in the middle of the week at a naice health spa place by me and everyone was in their 60s or older, but when I used to go to the council-run gym after work the majority were in their 20s-40s. Not that it matters at all but if you are specifically looking for people of a similar age to you just something to bear in mind!

[Allthecake89]

I feel you! I'm not overly confident either. I also have minimum options to socialise. I tend to do mine at the school gates now. Me and my partner seem to just look after the kids.

I feel now I'm 30 I regret not doing more before kids. I often think what can I do as the kids get older. It's tricky isn't it. I'm sure the people at Pilates will be friendly. My mil goes to one on Mondays and she likes it. She's 66 lol. X

[Seriouslyscrewed]

Thanks all for the suggestions you have definitely given me lots of things to think about. I did have a bit of a google search and found a knitting club in a local yarn shop so I think I'm going to enquire about that

[afternoonspray]

Joining a knitting or crochet group is a great idea. Not my thing at all as I have no talent for crafting but some women in our village meet once a week. They knit and chat and have a brilliant time.

As for yoga etc - just join a beginners class. Would you think someone walking in that she 'doesn't belong?' Of course you wouldn't. That would be a weird thing to think. No one will think it of you, either. Be open minded about the age of friends in the community. I was closer to older women when DC were young as I appreciated that they would discuss the world beyond small children. Now I am older, one of my closer friends in the community is much younger.

[Seriouslyscrewed]

I would love to try yoga, pilates and running (although my fitness levels are awful )

I also taught myself to crochet and knit over the last few years which my family and work freinds think is hilarious and constantly ridicule me for it. I would love to meet some people who can actually have a conversation about it and not be laughing at me the whole time!!

Like you all say, I just need to do join the groups and give it a go. But for me it's a confidence thing. I automatically assume that nobody will like me or talk to me. And I work it all up to a point where I am so nervous I come across as really standoffish or rude because I'm just terrified I'm not sure how to get past that bit mostly.

[andyindurham]

Sounds a bit like my OH's situation. She works part time (as do I) and was starting to feel that she was only ever a mum or an employee, but almost never got to be herself. So she's joined a couple of groups, started volunteering at the university, and is starting to rebuild a life that isn't all about family or work. I was doing something similar with running until I did my knee; now I'm a bit frustrated but I can cope if I get the odd evening to sidle off to the pub for some downtime.

It can be challenging: finding time for everyone to get 'me time' and still making sure that DD is catered for, the house isn't a disaster, work gets done etc isn't always easy. We have to compromise at times to make things work, but we're getting there.


If you are interested in something like yoga, give it a go. Alternatively, I found Park Run had quite a nice community feel to it. Or look at what you can do locally and try a few things. It might be something you always fancied having a go at but never got round to, it might be returning to an old hobby. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, or on any given group: you are unlikely to walk in and discover your new BFFs just waiting for you. But take a bit of time, try to join in, and people will respond. The hardest part is going for the first time, it gets easier after that.

[Lyricallie]

Also have you considered volunteering? I moved 500 miles away from all my friends and wanted non work friends. I became a guide leader and it's great the women in my group are quite young (I'm 27 and I'm not the youngest). We do things out with the sessions too as leaders I recently went white water rafting with the 18-30 members which was great fun. However you could do anything you're passionate about, animals, elderly, mental health etc. And I work full time so it doesn't take up much time ( although I don't have a child).

[GirlsBlouse17]

And the elderly people who go are wonderful too. Very friendly and funny with lots of stories to tell as well as being caring and supportive.

[GirlsBlouse17]

Don't rule out churches. First impression might be that they are just full of old people but you will find there are all kinds of age groups going. They are wonderful supportive communities and great for making friends with many people of different ages. Most have some kind of child activity group and so you can make friends with other parents too. Since I started attending church 10 years ago, I've never felt alone. I have made friends with many lovely people. It provides a fun social life too. And outside of the services, no one bangs on about religion so there is no pressure in that way.

[TheMasterBaker]

You sound very like me. I'm early 30's though and being a SAHM has killed what little confidence I had. I have a friend and have recently made a new friend, the mum of my sons friend. We've been spending a bit of time together with the kids but tomorrow I'm seeing her on my own and I'm petrified. I worry that being with people, they'll realise I'm an awful person, I'll talk too much or not enough, I'll say something stupid and they'll hate me. I'm lonely but afraid to make the effort to not be lonely.
Do you have any interests at all? Reading, art, sport, crochet etc? Are there any clubs around that focus on something you are interested about or that you would like to learn? A beginners class in something so everyone there will be in the same boat?

[Bluntness100]

As a pp said, find something that interests you. No one is going to think you're stupid etc, everyone starts somewhere.

Are you religious? Is that why you want to join a church?

[hazell42]

You need to join a class. Pick something that interests you and find a new group rather than an established one, where you are all into same boat.
And churches are for everyone. I'm sure yhey would make you be welcome. Most churches I know are desperate for new blood.