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AIBU?

Is my friend being rude by not wanting to come to my dinner?

53 replies

claptrapwrap · 18/10/2018 19:30

So I have recently moved to a new city. My friend is nagging to come and visit. I am very busy, so this was the only weekend I could do for the next months. First of all she wasn't sure if she could, but then when told it's this weekend or not at all unfortunately then she was free.

This Friday I have a fancy dinner that I have a +1 for, free. It is formal, so I mentioned to friend that is what we're doing for dinner. No, she doesn't own any formal clothes suitable. So I said, not to worry, save on packing space and borrow what you like of mine. She thinks she will look silly, even though we're the same size.

I then tell her the menu, she refuses to eat vegetarian food. The main is something that "makes her want to vomit" and she "abhors it".

Leaving me unsure what to do, going elsewhere for dinner will then cost me money as she can't be bothered.

Am I being unreasonable to want her to come with me?

OP posts:
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FurryDice · 18/10/2018 21:42

then tell her the menu, she refuses to eat vegetarian food.

How bizarre. Does she eat meat with a side of meat for every meal, then?

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5SecondsFromWilding · 18/10/2018 21:26

Why are people not understanding this?

Because it's not been presented in a logical order. In the first post OP says her friend is coming this weekend as it's the weekend OP is free, only she actually isn't and has told the friend they're going to a formal dinner. Friend, according to that post, seems to immediately object. Subsequent post then says that the friend agreed to go to said dinner. And, let's face it, OP isn't actually coming across as even mildly liking this friend, which makes it all the more muddy.

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twattymctwatterson · 18/10/2018 21:14

You don't sound very nice

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JingsMahBucket · 18/10/2018 21:08

Why are people not understanding this? The OP clearly said in a subsequent post that her and her friend agreed to go to the dinner during that weekend visit before they booked the travel.

The friend was excited about the dinner the whole time until she just recently turned on the OP and started being rude about it. The friend is being lazy about packing formal wear and being rudely childish about the menu.

If she doesn’t want attend the dinner that she previously agreed to attend and has paid for then she needs to say it in a more mature manner instead of being bratty child.

And FFS, the reading comprehension skills on MN have been really shite lately. Slow down and read properly before firing off useless response or piling on an OP who’s trying to find answers.

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CoughLaughFart · 18/10/2018 21:00

I get really annoyed when people sre oh so important and busy that they have zero weekends free for months on end.

If people are busy, they’re busy. What are they supposed to do - add extra weekends to the year? Sorry, but we all get the same 52.

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eightoclock · 18/10/2018 20:58

Op is not her partner though. I would cancel the weekend if I was the friend.

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5SecondsFromWilding · 18/10/2018 20:58

I can't really work out your time line here.

I wouldn't personally like to have booked travel to go spend time with a friend, only to be told that we're now going to a formal dinner because it's free and that I'd have to wear their clothes. My friends don't dictate what we all do. She may well have pretended this was fine at first but I don't think it is at all.

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JingsMahBucket · 18/10/2018 20:50

@claptrapwrap people aren’t reading what you’re saying. Ignore them. YANBU. I would ask her why she changed her mind after first saying yes and being excited about it. I wonder if she’s going through something difficult currently and she’s misdirecting towards you?

Would you be willing to attend the dinner yourself if you think you’d still enjoy it?

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FunSponges · 18/10/2018 20:50

Sounds like a reverse to me.

So you tell her she comes this weekend or not at all.
You tell her you have tickets for a fancy dinner so that's where you are going.
You tell her it's vegetarian food.


Then you are surprised that she's not that thrilled. I wouldn't be either and I wouldn't waste my time coming. I get really annoyed when people sre oh so important and busy that they have zero weekends free for months on end.

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CoughLaughFart · 18/10/2018 20:38

expecting her to go to a formal dinner with strangers is quite a big ask.

To be fair though, how often do spouses/partners do this?

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CoughLaughFart · 18/10/2018 20:34

This Friday I have a fancy dinner that I have a +1 for, free. It is formal, so I mentioned to friend that is what we're doing for dinner.

I think this is where you went wrong. It’s entirely fair of you to say this is the only weekend you could do - but you should have said to come up IF she fancied going to the dinner. I still can’t tell if she said she was looking forward to it before or after booking her travel tickets. If she booked after you’d mentioned the dinner and then thought better of it, she’s being unreasonable to change her mind now. If it’s the other way around, maybe she was never really looking forward to it and is now hoping to talk you out of it.

Either way, I would cancel the whole visit personally. If she comes and goes begrudgingly to the dinner, neither of you will enjoy it; if you don’t go to the dinner, you’ll resent her for making you stay at home. Can’t you visit her when you’re in town for this other dinner?

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CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 18/10/2018 20:28

It's pretty obvious she doesn't want to go to the dinner though really I don't know why she doesn't just say so instead of coming up with various excuses. At the same time you seem to be pushing the dinner when you know perfectly well she doesn't want to go.

Would it be so awful if you just go to the dinner yourself and let her either make her own plans for the evening or come to your city on the Saturday Confused? I just don't see the reason for all the angst.

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Sparklesocks · 18/10/2018 20:25

She wasn’t very polite calling the food vomit inducing but I also think expecting her to go to a formal dinner with strangers is quite a big ask.

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EvaPerron · 18/10/2018 20:19


Whereas if she is busy for the weekend it is that, she thinks she will go for a walk in the park.


Oh dear op, your update doesn't really do you any favours!!

Look, you don't seem to like her much and she seems unhappy with your arrangements. Sometimes friendships change and cool over time...... time to let this one go?

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Obviouspretzel · 18/10/2018 20:14

*Oh I see now. You're just sooooo much more important than your friend. What with all your 'fancy dinners' and work schedule. Clearly you should tell the peasant that she can fit in with your oh so busy life or fuck off to her lonely walks in the park.

*

This is how it reads to me, sorry.

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notacooldad · 18/10/2018 20:13

Well going off the usual responses on MN all she should have said is 'no, sorry , that doesn't work for me'
You've kept pushing and she had to keep had to keep coming up with excuses.

When people come on here saying they are being pushed into something they are told they don't have to do whatever it is if they don't want to.
Respect your friends decision to not to want to attend this event.

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XiCi · 18/10/2018 20:08

It doesn't say anywhere in your OP that she was looking forward to this dinner. In fact it implies she told you on 3 separate occasions that she did not want to go.

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MirriVan · 18/10/2018 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

XiCi · 18/10/2018 20:05

Oh I see now. You're just sooooo much more important than your friend. What with all your 'fancy dinners' and work schedule. Clearly you should tell the peasant that she can fit in with your oh so busy life or fuck off to her lonely walks in the park.

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LEMtheoriginal · 18/10/2018 20:04

I would be really upset if i were your friend. If i were wanting to catch up id want a cozy njght with wine and nibbles or a meal just the two of us. You are showing her how important she is to you by expecting her to fit in with your plans. Id give it a miss too im afraid

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Ellapaella · 18/10/2018 20:03

In fact neither of you sound like you actually like each other much!

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Ellapaella · 18/10/2018 20:02

Well that really doesn't make sense then does it?
Why would she say she was looking forward to it then change her mind?
What do you want to do more, see your friend or go to the formal dinner? That's your answer to this dilemma.
It is a bit rough that you really can't spare any other time to see her for several months. You don't really sound as though you consider her a good friend at all.

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claptrapwrap · 18/10/2018 20:00

In regard to me being inflexible in regard to her visiting. I work very long hours, and most weekends I am abroad for work. It's a case of quite literally being unable to host.

Whereas if she is busy for the weekend it is that, she thinks she will go for a walk in the park.

OP posts:
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DawnFrenchKiss · 18/10/2018 19:59

You sound rude and shes being equally rude back

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claptrapwrap · 18/10/2018 19:58

I think the most important point should have been put in my first post. As I'm guessing people don't read further posts.


She agreed to come to the dinner, before we settled final plans. She said multiple times she was looking forward to it. She knew that if she were to come for the weekend then she'd be coming to the dinner she already agreed to.

OP posts:
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