To ask how the fuck you do bedtime with a 5yo and a baby?

[Merryoldgoat]

I am trying to put my 5yo to bed. I sit with him until he’s asleep (usually takes 10-15 mins after bedtime story).

I also have a 7 month old who is a fucking demon.

Usually, my husband is home and one will do the 5yo and the other wrangles the baby.

Tonight he’s out and I’m trying to do it all alone. I’m basically on the verge of a breakdown.

The baby is resolutely wriggly - it’s like someone’s dosed him. Every time the 5yo is nearly sleeping he starts shouting. He’s just kicking me and flailing but won’t take his bottle at all. The 5yo is getting upset and overtired and frankly I’m totally over it.

To avoid dripfeeds:

My 5yo is Autistic - bedtime has been a challenge for years and we’ve gone from him refusing to sleep alone time sitting with him as he goes to sleep in the last few mo this so I’m not going to just leave him in there.

The baby will scream blue murder if I leave him. He doesn’t self soothe, amuse himself etc. He’s a Velcro baby and I think he might actually be sent from another dimension to kill me.

I am suffering with PND and I’m due on which is probably exacerbating things.

Sorry. I’m ranting. It’s all too much today.

[DontMakeMeShushYou]

p.s. The problem is at the other end of the day now. DH still works shifts, but now it's the early shifts that are more of a nuisance. Trying to get stroppy, tired teens up, out on their paper rounds, and off to school is a thankless task.

[DontMakeMeShushYou]

It's quite a long time since mine were that small but DH has always worked alternating shifts so I must have done a shedload of bedtimes on my own.

I think for the most part my eldest settled himself in bed and there's only 2.5 years between them so my situation's different. However, in your case, I think I'd leave the baby in a baby seat / rocker in front of the telly whilst I settled the eldest one.

[nervousseacreature]

I have an 19mo and 6mo. Doing bedtime solo was utter hell. My mil comes to help when dh is at his nightclass.

I wish I could stop him going out!!!

[Merryoldgoat]

I can imagine blacktea

My DH does as many bath times/bedtimes as I do and we alternate etc.

It would be unbearable to be with someone who saw you struggling. It’s different (obviously) if your partner works away but to actually be in the house and not mucking in? Nah.

[Nsbgsyebebdnd]

I had a similar age gap and used to bf baby for as long as possible whilst reading to the eldest one and waiting for them to sleep. That eventually didn’t work and I used an Audio cd for my eldest child which worked really well. It’s not good easy so I empathise! Still haven’t succeeded really!

[blackteasplease]

To be honest the final straw in my relationship with exh was him refusing to.come upstairs and help out in a similar situation.

[blackteasplease]

I used to bf d's while reading to dd- I have a 5 year gap so similar situation.

It was a tricky thing to do though .

[Merryoldgoat]

Honestly - thank you all so much.

I think the solution is to stop my husband ever going out again... 😬

[Chocolateandcarbs]

Have you tried popping the baby into the cot with a bottle and a light projector music box thingy? That worked some nights for my clingy baby. Otherwise, is it possible to settle the baby first and then your son if you were able to alter naptimes a bit? As I write this I’m remembering how bloody hard bedtime with 2 young kids is... sometimes I had to just let 1 cry whilst I sorted the other and vice versa. If it helps, the difficult bedtime stage ended before I knew it and now it’s just automatic for all of us. I hope things improve and you’re getting support for the PND. I really hope tomorrow night is easier x.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Sleep train the baby so they can go to sleep by themselves and bedtime is a bit shorter

I try and get eldest pj's and teeth and maybe shower done before putting the baby to bed.

Eldest gets some TV time while baby put to bed. Or if that doesn't work, bribe with ice cream or something then another teeth brush

Baby goes to bed a bit early

Eldest goes to bed a bit late

Prior to this it took an hour to put the baby to bed who ended up sleeping with me and it was impossible to do both.

Tbh I usually try and rope in help from my parents or something when I'm on my own or its too stressful!

[moremelonadeplease]

Once ds2 got loud and wrigglt I tried to gradually alter his naps so that he would be getting tired and want feeding as I was doing story time. It seems to have worked and sometimes I achieve the holy trail of both kids in bed all evening! I used to sit in a dark room for an hour until ds1 fell asleep but recently after a stint of youngest being a nightmare started to pop in and out after I've done story time and he is mainly happy to fall asleep like that.

There are definitely some nights where it all goes wrong no matter how much planning you do. I've had nights where I have had to breastfeed the older one whilst rocking the youngest balanced on my feet . I think the best thing for me is to not have any expectations as to how long it will take or what I want to do in the evening as I find I get more frustrated if it then doesn't go to plan.

Hope you find something that works for you!

[ifoundthebread]

@merryoldgoat I love the sheep! We received the basic one as a gift, when I noticed ds would settle when I hoovered or if he was next to the fridge I got the sheep out and it was like magic. I used to put it above his head in his moses basket and he'd put his head up so it was touching and he'd be asleep in minutes. It worked the same getting him to settle in his cot, but the sheep would only stay on 20 minutes then he'd wake 5 minutes later. So I'd be up every 25 minutes to turn the sheep back on, then I found they made a deluxe version with a cry sensor! Every time he whines/coughs/cries it turnd the sheep back on and helps him settle himself back to sleep!

[rednsparkley]

I had four under the age of six and did bedtime on my own more often than not (my DH works away a lot and long hours when in the country)

I was wracking my brains trying to remember how we got through those days, in order to offer you some useful advice, but it was clearly utterly horrific as I appear to have blocked most of it from my mind

My best advice would be to do whatever works best for you to get you through - getting the baby off first would be my choice but if that's just not gonna float then don't make yourself ill trying to achieve it.

[DollyDayScream]

Oh God Op, I totally empathise! They sounds tough. I remember those bedtimes when it was so stressful that I just wanted to runaway.

Just say "fuck it" and do whatever you need to tho get those kids to bed. Routine is probably more necessary for your 5 yr old, so try anything (I know that you already have) to fob off your baby until the 5 ye is asleep. Alternatively, behave as if its is much earlier in the evening to your 5yr old and get the baby down first.

Cut yourself some slack, it might not be rocket science but it's as pressured as hell when two children are kicking off at bedtime.

Best wishes and good luck!

[April2020mom]

Parent of young twins here. Usually my two children are out for the night around ten pm. I read them a quick bedtime story and then I quickly tuck them up. I kiss them both and turn out the lights. I’ve tried breastfeeding them when they were infants but I learned it didn’t always work.
What does usually do the trick is getting them both outdoors for a while for some essential fresh air and exercise. My girl loves to run around in the park while my son crawls after his twin sister.
I seize the opportunity to squeeze in some therapy exercises discreetly as well.

[donkeysandzebras]

That sounds tough, OP, and it's not
as if you can suddenly introduce changes to your eldest.
This is an expensive solution so only possible if you have spare cash but when DC2 was tiny, I paid a 15yo neighbour £5 twice a week to come over from 6pm - 7pm and help with bathtime & bedtime. Sometimes DC2 just slept on her; sometimes both DC were being angelic and I did it all myself and she put the toys away or emptied the dishwasher. Then DH would try and be home by 6pm for another couple of evenings and I always did one by myself but I could manage one night but three would have broken me.

[Lindorballs]

I have a nearly 5yo and 10 month old. I do bedtime on my own fairly regularly. It’s hard work.
6.00 while they watch tv I get everything ready upstairs (make baby’s bottle, get pjs out etc) - the baby isn’t mobile yet if when required I’ll get a pen for him
6.30 upstairs run bath. I undress baby while older one undressed herself. Into bath.
6.45ish get baby out dry and dress baby while older one stays in bath and plays.
6.50 older one out of bath. Dresses herself while I give baby his bottle. This is the hardest part. There’s a lot of chivvying to keep this on track and I quite often end up shouting. Not ideal.
7.00ish. Leave baby on bed (will be floor when mobile) with books, toothbrush whatever to play with. Dry older ones hair and do teeth
7.05 story. If baby is grumpy I take him to his room and put him to bed. He does self settle now. Before he did this I did a few times have to just tell the older one to look at her books and wait for me while I settled him. Usually once he’s had his bottle he is fairly happy to “listen” to stories.
7.15ish. Older one toilet. Lights out and take baby to his room to settle (if not already done so). If I were you I’d leave your 5yo to look at books or listening to audio book while you go and settle the baby then go back and sit with the 5yo after. I appreciate changing routine with an autistic child might be tricky but might be something to work towards.

[PhilomenaButterfly]

None of my experience will help. I used to have DS2 on my lap while I read DD a story. Then lights out, and DS2 would be with us in the bouncer in the TV room, fall asleep, and I'd take him to bed when I went. He only slept in our bed.

[PeterRabbitsBlueCoat]

Oh and we used to have the sheep too -she loved him!

Now she’s not so bothered, but likes to have music on her baby monitor. I use it for naps too so she’s learned that when the music goes on then it’s time to sleep.

I found the older one was surprisingly good about the concept of “wait for mummy to settle baby, and then we’d can have our time.”

[PeterRabbitsBlueCoat]

2.5 yo & 11mo here.

DH worked away for a month when they were 23m & 4m. We knew he was going so “practised” in that we got into a routine of all having milk/breastfeed & a story together in our room. Then I take baby into her room and put her down; then take toddler to brush teeth, wash face etc and into her room.

We’ve continued to do this even when we’re both here and it works for us. He is away occasionally, so I do it on my own again sometimes. We found the key was to have a routine that we could do the same with one or both of us. Then it’s less of a big deal when one isn’t there.

Recently I’ve found that the baby feeds very quickly & when DH is away the toddler prefers to wait until baby has gone to bed. She sits with her milk and waits for me to come back so we can have a cuddle and read a book before she goes to her room.

[seasidewitchtits]

@Merryoldgoat food is literally all I have to look forward to on days like today

[Fishywishyhead]

I have 3, aged 7, 4 and 1 and I do solo bedtimes a lot as my DH works abroad. I dump the big two in front of the tv with dire threats about Being Quiet while I get the baby to sleep, then do bedtime with the 4 year old while the 7 year old reads. I’ve tried all sorts over the years and this is the only thing that works.

So I suggest 5 year old in front of the tv until the baby is asleep :)

[Merryoldgoat]

@ifoundthebread

I’m off to find out about the magic sheep - getting the baby down first is clearly my best chance.

[NC4Now]

I used this do bath together, pjs, leave the older one with a drink and book or Lego while I put the baby to bed, then leave the baby with an audiobook while I went and did stories with the older one.
It sounds easy but I was a single parent so we did it every night.
It’s a lot harder when it’s a one-off.

[Merryoldgoat]

@seasidewitchtits (amazing name!)

I adore both my children but days like today we get the worst of each other and I feel really down.

I just ate a Wispa though which kind of helped.