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AIBU?

To expect in laws to offer help....

112 replies

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:13

Not sure if I'm being selfish to expect offers of help from my in laws but they never ever offer help, they live very near by and always pop in and will help if asked, but be martyrs about it so I don't ask unless I really need too. We've had kids for over a decade now and past the new baby bit they never offer (Even then it wasn't an offer, more a guilt trip that I wouldn't let them have the baby on their own)

The reason I'm asking this now is yesterday I caught a stomach bug, couldn't stop puking all day and we had been doing some work on the house, the house was in chaos, and they popped in to check progress (4th day in a row doing this but not helping just getting in the way) my youngest told them "mummy has a sickness bug" I heard her whilst dying upstairs lol. My husband is clearly trying to finish up so we can use the kitchen again whilst trying to watch the kids, with tools everywhere etc and they just came looked around then left. I was surprised they didn't offer to watch the kids for a bit so he could crack on or to give them dinner since our kitchen wasn't useable, am I expecting too much or would a decent grandparent have helped?

OP posts:

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Aprilislonggone · 01/10/2018 09:16

It's mn policy to manage the dc you chose to have I believe. But as a dm how can you stop wanting to assist your dc just because they are adults /don't live at home? Makes no bloody sense to me!!
I still put adult dc needs before my own as /when necessary - I am still there for them!!
We have a very close relationship - reward indeed!!

fuzzywuzzy · 01/10/2018 09:17

Decent grandparents would have helped.

If they were nice kind people you would have told them you weren’t well and they have whisked the dc away to feed and play at theirs whilst you got on with recovering and your DH got on with sorting house out.

But they don’t sound like that kind of grandparents.

What does your DH say about it?

I think you’re right not to expect anything from them as they obviously don’t want to be helpful and part of the family who pitch in when needed.

MrsStrowman · 01/10/2018 09:18

This is MN you know YABU to expect any help from anyone and should be grateful if they even talk to you without being complete nightmares.

In the real world they could've offered in my view, to take the DCs for a couple of hours, mine would've. Although MIL always goes OTT to make sure if she offers help we know it's entirely up to us, and she won't be offended if we say no (she had a very pushy, controlling MIL and is adamant she won't be the same)

Padparadscha · 01/10/2018 09:18

I don’t think it’s about being ‘decent grandparents’. Quite honestly if I had heard there was a sickness bug in your house, I would have scarpered! Do they generally give their grandchildren love and attention when they do see them? Are they ‘younger’ grandparents and in good health? It would be nice for them to offer, but they are under no obligation to at the end of the day.

owabno · 01/10/2018 09:20

Your DH was there? Perhaps they didn't want to presume him incapable?

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:21

Yeah I agree that you choose to have kids you look after them, it just baffles me that they can see us struggle like that and not think to help however they can. They have helped us out financially to be fair to them but then that's held over us. They see themselves as good loving grandparents and they aren't bad at all, I just can't get my head around not being helpful when I can to people I love, especially my own kids.

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LuvSmallDogs · 01/10/2018 09:22

If I had a “just popping in” relationship with someone, I would expect to also have a “mum’s sick, dad’s busy, let’s go play in the garden kids” kind of relationship too. Otherwise they’re just under your feet.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 09:23

MN is weird about in laws. So many moan because they have no boundaries and interfere and the rest aren't happy because they don't offer any help!

When you say "any decent grandparent" would have helped, what sort of relationship do they have with their GC besides not taking them when you're ill?

Singlenotsingle · 01/10/2018 09:25

Why didn't DH or even you, just ASK? My ddil often asks for help, and I usually say yes. I often offer, and she usually says yes. Your ILs obviously didn't even think about it, so ASK!

ShesABelter · 01/10/2018 09:26

We are in the same situation but with three kids. I just accept it's the way it is now tbh. We had to have lots of help offerded when they were babies and cute toddlers but people aren't interested now. So we just get on with it whilst also comforting myself that I'm going to do much more to support my children but also because I will genuinely want to spend time with my grandkids.

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2018 09:26

My inlaws were close by and loved their gc but never offered to help. They did sometimes step in in an emergency if childcare broke down but certainly let me (yes, always me!) know how inconvenient it was.

Twenty years on they have required incredible amounts of care and support from their dc. I’m quite bitter about that.

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:27

Yeah fair enough if they didn't want to catch it but they new a sickness bug was in the house as I caught it from the kids yet They still popped in, they interfere a lot but don't offer help.

The relationship they have with the kids Is they have them if they are asked, the kids like them cause they give them money and sweets but they have never done anything fun with them. They are young enough and healthy.

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ShesABelter · 01/10/2018 09:28

I mean we had lots of help offerded when babies. Not had to have.

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:30

I didn't ask cause I was upstairs puking on and off. My DH never asks, he has a weird relationship with them, they appear close but he can't talk to them about anything, i had to tell them I was pregnant for example

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 09:34

OP some GP think that they've done their bit bringing up their own DC and now it's time for them. I can't say I blame them although it's not something I would do. My inlaws never did anything with ours and we struggled when they were young but knew it was their choice. We didn't ask for help because we were stubborn and quite frankly they could see how hard it was but still didn't offer so we just thought "stuff it".

Now I have my own GC I am the opposite and do a lot with them, it helps the parents and we ( DH, me and GC ) get a lot out of it.

I think you can either speak up and ask for help or just carry on muddling through yourselves.

m0therofdragons · 01/10/2018 09:35

Mine never offer through fear of offending me (I'm really not easily offended). I've learned to be clear. "I'm really unwell with this sickness bug, please can you look after dc and give them lunch? It would be a massive help." Then my ils would do that but they need direction. My dm would walk in and say "right, we're taking dc out. Do you need anything from the shop?" Don't assume everyone is the same. My pil has a difficult relationship with their parents on both sides with lots of boundaries being crossed so they're overly cautious with us.

bigsighall · 01/10/2018 09:37

My parents never help with any of their grandkids. Even if asked, they won’t help. Odd if you ask me.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 01/10/2018 09:39

I can understand grandparents not wanting to undertake lots of regular childcare but I can't understand not offering to help as a one off when you can clearly see it's needed. Obviously it's not their responsibility but I'd do it for a friend so I'd definitely do it for my own kids.

dueanotherchange · 01/10/2018 09:42

Popping in and not offering to help is weird OP.

Although be careful what you wish for. Sometimes "help" is anything but.

Hope you're better soon.

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:43

Greatduckcookery I completely get that, and we really don't expect them to do much at all, I'm happy to raise my kids and as a grandparent I hope to be able to have my grandkids but not feel I'm raising them I have them so much. I guess that's me, I'm stubborn and they really do have a way of making me feel like a burden for asking anything of them, like why can't you cope? I managed.....So unless I really need to I won't ask.

Mother of dragons, i was downstairs when they came over i would have asked. But had they not popped in I wouldnt have even considered this a problem, if they weren't always popping in and interfering I would just carry on not worrying about it, it's like the worst of both worlds lol.

OP posts:

Chocolatecookiesandmilk · 01/10/2018 09:45

*if i was downstairs

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2018 09:50

Well your DH has an odd relationship with them whereby he couldn't admit you were pregnant, that relationship is the root of the cause. Their family dynamics are different to yours.
And tbh if every time they see the kids they give them money and buy them stuff, and that's the basis of the kids liking them, I'm not surprised they're not offering to have them more

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Pinkblanket · 01/10/2018 09:51

I'm afraid I wouldn't offer to help whilst someone was in the throes of a sickness bug, as I really wouldn't want to catch it.

Snowymountainsalways · 01/10/2018 09:53

They sound like the kind of people that want all the best bits of being a grandparent ie popping in when they are bored, christmas no doubt etc to suit THEM, but they don't actually help or give anything back in return.

They want their cake and to eat it too in short.

This would annoy me, but we see it alot with the baby boomer generation. Some of them can be a selfish self centred bunch.

This arrangement wouldn't make me happy because it is superficial and based only on the 'good times', and they are of no help whatsoever.

I would choose to distance myself from them and start using them like they are using you. Drop the kids into them when you need to do things, stay at their house for lunch and dinner. And stop offering to help them. The only way you will feel comfortable about this relationship is to make it work for you, and do everything on your own terms.

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2018 09:54

Pink if that was the case why come over the threshold?

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