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AIBU?

To ask if your DC has chosen to live with their dad?

23 replies

Louisefrom · 27/09/2018 17:34

Just that really. How old were they and how did you feel?

I'm not even divorced yet, but ex is dropping hints that he wouldn't mind if DS1 lived with him.

I fear that he might put things into DS head, that will make him want to live there. Ex is a Disney dad, and in a way has always favoured DS over ds2 and DD, they're close. I'd feel different if ex was a really hands on dad, but he's not. I've done everything for DS, and it kills me that in a few years DS could go and live with his dad. DS is closer to his father than he is to me, but DS2 and DD are closer to me. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

DS is 6 btw

OP posts:

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SecretWitch · 28/09/2018 17:26

@LouiseFrom, my and I kept fully furnished bedrooms, clothes and uniforms at our homes. My daughter just packed a bag, called him to pick her up and left. I melted into a sobbing heap on my floor and wept until I was dry. The first time. The second time she chose to go, I did tell her, I would always love her, would always be there for her but if she was leaving, she could not come back until the school year was over.
Her father lived 50 miles away in an excellent school district and I had no issues with her attending school in his area. I did have a problem with her thinking she was going to ping pong back and forth between homes during the school calendar.

It strikes deeply in the heart when a young child want to move away from his mother. I’ve been there

Heatherjayne1972 · 28/09/2018 11:35

And yes. We went to court

Heatherjayne1972 · 28/09/2018 11:31

@kaytee87
No one ‘official’ ever asked my daughter
She just packed up and left. My solicitor said that was her choice and unless there was abuse or neglect shes considered old enough to make her own descision
Cafcass were never ever involved with us at all

kaytee87 · 28/09/2018 10:36

@Heatherjayne1972 that's not strictly true. It depends on a lot of factors and if it went to court the judge would always speak to a child he/she thought capable of having a sensible discussion about it.

ems137 · 28/09/2018 10:27

I would be totally heartbroken if my eldest 2 ever decide to go and live with their dad. I know it's totally selfish and unreasonable but I would find it so hard to see them in the same way.

They are currently 12 (DS) and almost 11 (DD) and we have been separated for 9.5 years. At no point have they ever shown interest in living with their dad. I don't think DS ever would but it's a huge worry of mine that DD would want to. It's not because she hates us but she is a very attention demanding child and it's just not always possible for her to have all my attention with 3 other children in the house. At her dads she gets treated like a 6 year old, which at the moment I think she loves!

Sickenedbyguilt · 27/09/2018 21:51

My daughter lives with her dad and has done for 2 years now. I suffered with depression and was really struggling so my parents stepped in and she lived with them for about 6 months, then she decided she wanted to live with her dad. I still struggle with the guilt of my illness and the impact it might have on her in the future

reallyanotherone · 27/09/2018 21:37

Don't forget to say to DS that you very much want him to live with you and you love him very much

And his dad doesn’t?

Dss wanted to live with us age 16. Many reasons, mainly the excellent school he wanted to do a’levels at was on our doorstep, and dd was starting year 7 there.

His mum said no. Laid it on thick, proper guilt trip, and stopped him coming at weekends as well, because he was spending too much time with us —and left her without a babysitter—

We’d have loved to have dss live with us. Dh was properly gutted, he hated being a part time dad.

It’s really tough. But it’s about what’s best for the child. Dh didn’t push ds, as it would have torn him apart- he’d effectively be telling his mum he didn’t love her if he moved in with us. But it meant he missed out on a great school and extra curricular activities.

Jamiefraserskilt · 27/09/2018 21:28

My dad used to say we could live with him, showed us schools etc.
He was a disney dad who liked messing with our heads. There was no way he and his wife were ever going to do it.
It would have messed with their social life.

Bananamanfan · 27/09/2018 21:24

Don't forget to say to DS that you very much want him to live with you and you love him very much.
I had this with my DS1, the constant threat (instigated by exh) that he might go to live with his dad. It didn't happen. I separated from his dad just before he was 6. I was very conscious of not saying anything negative about his dad and and hid my upset from him. Maybe he was testing to see whether I really did want him.

Heatherjayne1972 · 27/09/2018 21:15

@louisefrom
Yes pretty much. If they want to go and there’s no legal reason why they can’t ie abuse or neglect

It’s heartbreaking

FrogFairy · 27/09/2018 20:57

My 17 year old has lived with his Disney dad for a few years now. I was always the bad cop, DS had a stubborn, defiant and confrontational personality. He and I clashed terribly and when puberty hit around age 11 things escalated badly. He wanted to rule the roost and got verbally and physically agresssive with me.

So he went to live with his dad where homework was optional, all night gaming sessions were no problem and if he went out he didn’t have to say where or who with and no time given to come home.

I had always welcomed Ex to see DS anytime he wanted and included him in birthdays and Christmas. Suddenly when the situation was reversed DS did not want access visits and was “too busy” to see me. Though he was quick to contact me if he wanted something or needed a problem solved. This was no doubt partly DS being difficult but I suspect a degree of parental alienation. Ex sure knew what would hurt me the most.

The situation has broken me. I don’t think the damage will ever be resolved and this has destroyed me. I love my son so very much and yet he seems pretty indifferent to me.

Louisefrom · 27/09/2018 20:36

@Thehop I'm so sorry to hear that . How old is he?

OP posts:

Thehop · 27/09/2018 20:28

My eldest has gone to live with my mother, says he hates me. He must do, she’s a hoarder and smokes so the house is a horrible place to live.

It’s devastating x

Louisefrom · 27/09/2018 20:27

Do you just let them go? Pack their bags and just go?

OP posts:

SecretWitch · 27/09/2018 18:55

I forgot to say my son always chose to live with me but saw his father as often as he wanted. He continues to have a close relationship with my exhusband to this day. My son is now 21.

SecretWitch · 27/09/2018 18:52

My 13 year old dd chose to live with her father on and off until she was 16. During those times, she left our home when she couldn’t abide by our rules. I always left the lines of communications open, kept my mouth shut, never ever said a bad word about my exhusband and told her I loved her frequently. She came back to me permanently at 17. She now lives upstairs in the apartment we own. She has little to no contact with her father for a variety of reasons.

My heart goes out to you, op. Family counseling did help us sort through some issues and helped us with communication skills.

flamingofridays · 27/09/2018 18:49

Dss moved in with me and his dad, however this was because he had a falling out with his mum not because weve coerced him into living with us. He was also 12 when he decided this!

Try not to worry op. Focus on making sure your son is happy and safe with you and still gets to see daddy regularly and therell be no reason for him to leave you!

Heatherjayne1972 · 27/09/2018 18:46

I phone/ text every single day
To keep the communication open
Between us. I See her as often as I can. Offer to take her shopping/come for tea / visit family etc
It’s hard. As I’m not there all the time she was ill recently that was difficult
I’ve made it clear that if she wants to change her mind that’s absolutely fine. I can and will make room for her in my house
But yeah it hurts

Louisefrom · 27/09/2018 18:40

@Heatherjayne1972 how often do you see her and has it changed the way you feel about her?

OP posts:

Heatherjayne1972 · 27/09/2018 18:38

My solicitor told me that until they’re 14 they can’t choose where to live ( unless neglect/abuse is involved obvs)
My 13 year old chose to live with her dad
It sucks but nothing I can do
My 8 and 10 year old are with me

blackteasplease · 27/09/2018 18:23

Play the long game OP. Just keep doih what you are doing, be there for him when he needs you, be dependable and reliable and loving, with solid boundaries.

He will get that you are the real parent by the time he's old enough to choose. There's a reason they don't let 6 yos have a say!

AtSea1979 · 27/09/2018 18:20

Yes this was a concern but by the time DS could make his mind up about where he wanted to live he was old enough to see through ex’s bullshit and knew who the real parent was.

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FarrahMoan · 27/09/2018 18:16

I thought you were going to say he's a teen. You have my sympathy OP I'd be really sad if I thought my 6yo wanted to live apart from me too.
I've no advice except (tongue in cheek) make sure you have great WiFi because in a couple of years he'll be hooked on gaming and go wherever the best is

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