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AIBU?

He's scared of flying: AIBU to want my DP to fly before we get married

175 replies

Wawawaa · 10/07/2017 13:32

Sorry, long post... My DP developed a fear of flying about 10 years ago and hasn't flown for that amount of time. We've been together for about three years and he's always portrayed this as something quite mild and that he's not opposed to flying but that he just prefers to travel by train/boat etc.

I like to think of myself as quite an adventurous person who has lived in other places and although I don't go on many holidays I like to explore new places.

To date in our relationship, we've only been on holiday to places that we could go to by train which has limited our choice and made trips a bit more draining and also shorter than they could have been (like 12 hour train journeys to places in France, effectively cutting two days off the holiday).

We are planning on getting married in September and I feel as though he owes me a flight before we get married. AIBU?

I've suggested a holiday flying to Nice in France and although at first he said yes, he then said no because "it's too expensive" (I managed plan it down to £250 for five days including flights and airbnb). He is now suggesting somewhere in the UK but is insisting on hotels which will cost a lot more... and has since admitted that he just doesn't want to fly and that "now is just not a good time" for him to fly.

I'm worried we'll have an odd kind of marriage like a couple I know where one is scared to fly and the other does lots of interesting things all by himself. It's almost a kind of non-relationship imo.

My DP has never painted his fear of flying as such a major thing so AIBU to feel that he now owes me a flight (so to speak) on our next break? (If I'd had known at the start of the relationship that he would potentially never ever fly anywhere, I might have considered not dating him, although that's now not an option).

On another note, he tells people casually at work and in job interviews where flying is required, that he doesn't like flying and so is of course discounted from getting these roles. He seems to think it's quite a normal thing, not to like flying - I don't love it myself but I still fly. Is this an odd thing to admit to and to actually be so afraid that your fear of flying outweighs your curiosity about the world, interest in other cultures, opportunity for interesting new jobs etc? Or am I just being very non-understanding?

He has told me that his ex was very annoyed about him not flying, so was probably one things that contributed to their break up... He has been on a course about it before but didn't get on the flight at the end. He's not keen on doing another course or hypnosis as "it'll be another thing on his to do list".

In my mind I'd like us to be the type of people to trek through the mountains in some far flung place with a baby in a sling (yes, probably unrealistic anyway but I like the thought). AIBU to feel that he sort of owes me a bit of effort and to step out of his comfort zone (as I have done, using up half my annual leave on cramped train journeys) before we say "I do"?

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MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2023 16:46

peachgreen · 16/10/2023 16:17

That's so kind of you @MrsTerryPratchett, thank you. I miss him every day. I'd love to see his reaction to me flying off by myself quite happily – he'd be a mixture of amused and annoyed I didn't manage it before now!

It's love to have those emotional 'memories'. Thinking about who they were and how they felt. Sorry for your loss.