to still feel slightly upset about this

[IamAporcupine]

I was 18 I think (>20 years ago!) and going out with someone I really liked. The relationship was not equal, I was def more invested and he ended up treating me like shit and cheating with one of my friends. They were together for several months while I was still with him. When we would argue she would come to me to console me etc etc.
I remember suffering a lot.

I have never seen him again but she is still friends with my best friend. They live in different countries but keep in touch and see each other from time to time, and she is now visiting her. I got a message saying she says hi and sends her regards. My friend seems to think it is completely normal.

AIBU to feel bad about this? I do not care about this guy of course, but it was a very dark time in my life and she was supposed to be my friend. Should I just get over it because it was ages ago?

[MiddleClassProblem]

I'm guessing she just feels so much time has passed and is putting the feelers out for the two of you to reconcile. Just tell her you don't want to go there. I'm not sure what it has to do with loyalty but I might be misreading it.

[IamAporcupine]

Oh no, I didn't mean that - I would never expect my friend to choose between us!
What I feel bad about is that I am starting to notice a pattern in my friend's stands that I do not understand. As if she was also minimizing my feelings, or the cheating? Or even her whole attitude about loyalty. Anyway, I guess that's for another thread!

MiddleClassProblem In that period, she did exactly the same to another girl in our group, but I also know that as an adult she has been the OW at least once.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I can see why you feel the way you do but personally I wouldn't like my friend to feel they have to choose between us. I don't think either response is unreasonable. But given the time that's passed I really think that's time to let it go (with your friend not necessarily with her). It feels a bit late to be addressing it.

If she's done it again, was it in a similar time period? Either way it doesn't mean she's a bit a good friend to your friend. She's not choosing her over you, ditching you to see her etc. Sorry if I sound harsh

[midnightmisssuki]

Tough one - I feel for you (been cheated on before with my own cousin!) br I don't know if you can dictate who your best friend can be friend with and who she can't. I mean - you don't have to be friends with the girl your ex cheated with but you could be civil - be the bigger person (easier said that done I know). If I were you - I'd just be polite to her, and I would carry on being friends with my best friend, it's not her fault your ex cheated.

[IamAporcupine]

also, AIBU to feel re my best friend's actions?

[IamAporcupine]

MiddleClassProblem well, as far as I know she has done it a few more times.

[MiddleClassProblem]

She did a crappy thing and you don't have to be friends with her or have her in your life just because she said hi. I'd just be civil if I ever saw her and crack on. At the end of the day I'm sure your both very different people to who you are now. It doesn't mean she's done it again or a shit person but that also doesn't mean you need her in your life.

[IamAporcupine]

plymouthmaid1 I see what you mean, but do not trust her actions

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

My first boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend when I was 17. It was a hard time in my life, and initially we fell out, but eventually I realised he wasnt worth losing a friendship over. So I forgave, if never exactly forgot. Nearly 30 years later best friend and I are still friends. Both married with kids, and he is just a funny memory. A few of our other friends were mystified that I could be friends with her again, but I was determined to be the bigger person and be "not bothered' . I think it was ultimately a good decision. He was never that important. (Although at the time it didn't seem so!)

[wobblywonderwoman]

No ! Horrible person. You don't need her in your life. Tell the friend who has contact with her that you don't want to head anymore about her

[PlymouthMaid1]

What she did was horrible but I wonder now, all these years later, if she is just kind of acknowledging that. Its far from an apology but I would read it as a message of goodwill. You dont have to respond of course.

[IamAporcupine]

anyone else would like to comment?

[IamAporcupine]

Shit, I've just remembered something!!

She lived for a while in a flat my mum had. She never paid a penny. I helped her moving in when I didn't know about the cheating yet.

[IamAporcupine]

Thank you both. I was starting to think IWBU

As you say, Tazerface if she had apologised or talked to me about it maybe I would be able to feel different, but this is like she really gives a fuck about how I felt at the time.

[Tazerface]

I'm not sure I would be able to. That's a massive betrayal at a pretty formative time of life.

It's not up to the person that did the bad thing to decide that enough time has passed for you to forgive and forget. It's up to them to offer an olive branch and acknowledge they treated you badly and to apologise. Then, you can forgive or forget if you want to.

People form worse judgments on less so I think you're perfectly justified.

[ImperialBlether]

No, you should never be close to her again. She had her chance and showed you her true character.