About in laws buying stuff

[DanTheNeilDiamond]

Hi,

My inlaws like to buy ds1 and ds2 gifts, I'm happy for them to do so.

They go to America every 1.5/2 years and think we should let them buy all the boys clothes for the year while they're there.

I've told them if they see anything they like they can get them but they don't need to buy all their clothes.

They keep emailing me asking me to measure boys shoulder to shoulder, arm length, waist, leg length and in seam. I've emailed them back that the boys don't need much but if they really like something just get them a year up.

They're not getting tailored clothes, just target, Walmart etc, nothing wrong with those clothes just don't need exact measurements.

Aibu to be annoyed that they ask for their measurements, how many undies they need, pairs of socks, etc in every email after I've said they don't need them?

At Christmas and birthdays they ask me for a list of 5 presents each for the boys and to tell them where to buy them.

They also wanted to choose and pay for the health insurance they thought we should have, wanted to go with us to our broker to be sure we got the best mortgage.

Im grateful that they want to buy my sons things but aibu in thinking they're going overboard? Others have always just bought them something a size up.

[Babalusca]

These people clearly have a problem and need empathy and some nudges to get help. They are not mere nuisances. They are the OP's in-laws, the kids grand parents. They are elderly human beings in need to help. This excessive buying of things they do not want or need is not focused on controlling the way the grand children dresses.

It sounds annoying but they have a problem. What kind of society do we live in when we cannot even show some grace towards those who are not in a good place?

Perhaps none of you will ever be in a position where you need some empathy and someone to show patience.

No wonder many elderly people feel it is preferably to end their lives early than be a "burden" to those around them.

[Babalusca]

Controlling, controlling, controlling. Truly fed up with the overuse and abuse of this word here on MN.

[KittyLovesPaintingOhYes]

I have to agree with Ollie, I have the same problem with my MIL, all I get to choose is school uniform. So far most of it has been ok, just the volume!

However my MIL has issues

[ollieplimsoles]

I've had to stop mil changing the boys out of the clothes they're wearing to the ones she's bought them.

This IS controlling behaviour. Anyone who thinks these people are 'just been nice' is not reading properly. I know they are the grandparents but this is completely stupid, they are not little dolls for her to play with and buy clothes for.

You have told them, they won't listen, because you probably say things like 'oh don't worry about it, they have plenty of clothes' or 'you don't need to spend all that money' thats the mistake we used to make with MIL...it doesnt stop them.

You need to say firmly 'look, we simply don't have ROOM in the house for everything you buy, this is why we tell you not to buy it. I understand you are being generous, but they have too much already. The boys are more independent now and have their own tastes and styles- we are trying to respect that with the clothes we buy them.'

I had to squash this sort of thing with MIL, she didnt like the clothes we were buying for our unborn DC, we discovered a whole wardrobe full of baby clothes she had bought, for her to change the baby into when he/ she visits. DH told her to get rid of the clothes or the baby isn't coming to her house. Extreme but if we gave her an inch...she does this all the time.

[SquinkiesRule]

You could start your own little eBay business selling it all on, new with tags and then go and buy what you like for them.
It would drive me batty. My mil used to buy lots of stuff for my oldest, didn't last long as she was rubbish at getting his size right and it would all be too small.

[guzzlewump]

Could you try telling them that the boys are developing their own likes and dislikes so that there's no point buying them lots because if the boys don't like them they won't wear them and you won't be able to return them so it would be a big waste of money...

Whereas if they were to buy them in the uk and with receipts then you'd be able to change them if the boys don't fit them or don't like them, you can change it for something that fits or that they do like, which will be the best use of money in the long run...

And then see how they react to that! Guessing that they won't like it particularly as - heaven forbid - the boys can't possibly not like something that they have chosen but if you start giving them back a few things saying that it's really not their taste or yours - but only say that if you're feeling brave! and/or they don't fit, if they start to protest that you have to have it because they have bought it and what else will they do with it, say well I did tell you not to buy them lots of stuff in the States, but I'm sure you could take it back with next time you go or think of someone else to give them to. Then that makes it their problem rather than yours.

Might be worth a shot!

[Littleen]

They sound very generous, but also very controlfreaks/overly helpful. I have family members of similar sorts, just not quite as extreme :P I've taken to the "smile and nod" tactic.

[ZanyZazu]

I don't think your in-laws are trying to be controlling, though they may have either a hoarding habit as they don't want to give away any of their unused/unneeded clothes, or have a shopping addiction (www.theguardian.com/sustainable-business/how-to-cure-shopping-addiction)

If it really is an addiction, then they may need some help to cure/curb it. But if it's a case of not knowing what to do with the sheer amount of time on their hands, as previous posters have mentioned, then your in-laws might be gently pushed towards volunteering for local charities etc.

But at the end of the day, their behaviour might seem overbearing but I don't think that they are intending to be malicious or undermine you. They are just expressing their love for their grandchildren in their own way.

You can always sell the clothes online, gift them to friends/family who may have children around the same age as yours, or donate the clothes to charity shops.

Anyway, I think this article in the Huffington Post is an interesting read (it is a real tearjerker):
www.huffingtonpost.com/tina-plantamura/to-my-mother-in-law-i-was-wrong_b_6611276.html

[Backforthis]

You could try giving them a copy of Marie Kondo's book ...

[Backforthis]

They seem to compulsively overbuy clothes. Reason and logic isn't going to get through to them. I'd try saying you have no room for all these extra clothes and ask them to keep them at their house. It won't solve their problem but it will solve yours.

[DanTheNeilDiamond]

Ha ha floralnomad I never thought of that

[Theycallmemellowjello]

charleston - mumsnet robotic parrots eh? Interesting concept.

Actually in my opinion this is a situation where the DH should be sorting this out - the buying of clothes affects the OP and her DH equally and the OP states she has tried telling the ILs how she feels and they have ignored her. IMO where it gets to the stage where there's a standoff like that - ILs actually ignoring what their DIL has explicitly told them - it's for the son to step and back up his DW and be more blunt. As minipie says it's easier for a son/daughter to be blunt and firm with his parents without causing a major rift than for a SIL/DIL to do so with his in laws.

You're obviously welcome to disagree on this point (debate being the point of the site) but in my experience personal insults are rarely helpful to the OP or to moving the debate forward.

[DanTheNeilDiamond]

That's just it ollieplimsolls I resent having to go through it all to get rid when both DH and I have both said not to get so much.

I've had to stop mil changing the boys out of the clothes they're wearing to the ones she's bought them.

DH is as sick of it as I am, especially as they keep buying him light blue polo shirts - they've seriously bought him around 12, he's asked them not to numerous times but they're oblivious.

[ahbollocks]

I think my ex mil did this through boredom and wanting to be useful and thinking of me and ex dp as children.
We were 23 but she insisted I woukd have no idea how to check a policy or argue fine details. She genuinely sulked for a week when I chose contents cover on my own.
I think what they probably need is a charity or similar to control get involved in.
What about saying 'oh mil you are so kind, the dc have plenty but women's aid/food bank/ red cross could really do with x y z and I know how much you like to help'

[Floralnomad]

Do they pay the duty on all the things they bring back with them ? If not tip off the customs people ,that might stop them in future ( I am joking btw)

[ollieplimsoles]

Oh dear! Grandparents daring to be generous are labeled as controlling. What exactly are they controlling? Desperately wanting to buy clothes for their kids? Presumably it is their money to spend and you can throw them away if you don't want the clothes?

They are not helping at all, they are selfishly buying things because they want to- how does it help someone when they have to bring it back home, sort through it, throw things out... its the OP that needs to deal with the clutter of stuff her and her DC's don't need.

The mortgage and the health insurance stuff is also controlling as f*ck.

Don't send them measurements, its silly and encourages them to disregard your wishes. I would probably pretend I didn't get the email...

They can't donate or get rid because 'they're of such high quality'

This is my MIL- she has clothes from years ago with the tags still on over flowing her house but she won't donate as the brand is too good apparently. So we end up with it....and I get rid of it.

[DanTheNeilDiamond]

Somebody up thread said they must be bored and that actually makes a lot of sense.
They have no social life or friends, both retired.
They're constantly buying stuff they don't need. She spends all week comparing deals in the supermarkets and then spends 2 days doing her shopping in 4 different supermarkets only to throw out loooads at the end of the week.
It's just the two of them in a 5 bedroom house they recently bought and all the built in wardrobes are heaving with clothes they never wear. They can't donate or get rid because 'they're of such high quality'
The reason they go to America is to shop, they go for 4 weeks, see one family member for 2/3 days and then shop the outlets for the remainder.

[Babalusca]

Perhaps they have some disorder of sorts if them feel compelled to be buying things every few day. This excessive purchasing of things sounds like an addiction of sorts.

[DanTheNeilDiamond]

Thanks for the replies, they've been really helpful.
Previously, I've given them measurements, asked them to give specific stuff and told them that while i appreciate their generosity I enjoy buying clothes for the boys.
Even then, I was getting emails every few days about more stuff they wanted to buy and when I said no thank you they bought it all anyway.

The fact that they ask then disregard the answer is annoying and I was wondering if I was letting this make me petty.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Both my mum and MIL buy stuff for our DCs which is way more about the buying of it than it being the most appropriate gift (so think wrong size for the season). We say thanks and pass on anything we don't want/like. I don't feel guilty at all, they've bought it but I don't have to use it.

I'd ask for a couple of specific items and make it clear you don't need or have space for loads, then sell or pass on the extra. They might get the hint if you're blunt and don't use it.

[Babalusca]

Oh dear! Grandparents daring to be generous are labeled as controlling. What exactly are they controlling? Desperately wanting to buy clothes for their kids? Presumably it is their money to spend and you can throw them away if you don't want the clothes?

I can't see the problem unless the are forcing you to put the clothes they've bought on the kids.

I receive many unwanted gifts for my son from my MIL. I take them home, choose what I like, and give away what I don't like.

[BlueMoonRising]

How much baggage allowance do they get??

[nocabbageinmyeye]

I think you are being unreasonable about the clothes while they are in the US. It's different shopping there, the sizes aren't the same as here at all, dd is 2, average size, still in 18-24 month clothes here but has long since grown out her her size 3 clothes from the US that were bought for her. As a pp said they can't just return them if they are wrong so they are just being sure, the prices are so much cheaper over there I am sure they are just trying to avail of the bargains and get the kids the best.

Yanbu about the mortgage, definitely way ott!

[minipie]

Oh ok, I see what you mean re "should". I just read that as "it would be easier for the OP if he did".

[charlestonchaplin]

minipie You may think it advisable, and it's a reasonable viewpoint, but there is no 'should' about it. That statement I have quoted shows a person taking their mumsnet lessons too literally and making robotic parrot-like statements.