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heartless mum?

15 replies

redannie118 · 05/08/2015 20:15

Ok so ive posted on here a few times before and always got excellent advice,and I really need an outside opinion on this as its got me so sad I really dont know what to do.
had a lot of health issues lately (always been disgustingly fit and well up to now)and after blood tests doc gave me a provisional diagnosis of lupus and sent me to see a rhuematologist who last week confirmed the lupus but also said I have a crossover of systemic sclerosis and lots more tests needed to see how bad it is. I was horrified when she told me to prepare for the worst case scenario,it can be really serious and effect heart lungs and kidneys,and even if its not that bad I will still have it in limited form along with the lupus which will have a huge impact on my health. I rang my mum when I got out the hospital and told her what the doc had said I left out the really scary stuff but gave her the ghist. She listened in total silence then said "oh well my knee is terrible today"and talked about that for ten mins before I got upset and said goodbye. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe she was trying to process,but the next night I got a call from her,no question of how I was or anything again she launched into how bad she was and could I please ring my dsis (who has mental health issues)and have a chat with her as she is having a awful time at the min.i have no issue at all with that as I love my sis to bits but thought it was really insensitive to not even ask how I was. She never rang for 4 days and only got in touch when I told my dsis I had bern signed off work. She got in touch and I told her how ill I was and again total silence then again talk about her knee. I private messaged my sis who had been with her the last 2 days if she had mentioned me and she confirmed no,not once. Im utterly heartbroken that ive told my own mum ive got a potentially a very serious health condition and in the space of a week shes never once asked what it is,how serious it is or how it will effect my life. My mum has always leaned on me very heavily for emotional support even at times when ive bern going through terrible times myself. Earlier this year my job was outsourced to india,my dh got sacked and as he has bipolar had a total breskdown and I was left to find a job that would support us and our 3 was horrifically stressfull but as my brother had just been diagnosed with mental health issues she would ring me up 5 times a day crying and told me I had to help sort things out which I did,but never any regard to how I was coping and this has ber a ongoing pattern through my life. Im so so sad and so scared for my future and that of my lovely kids and all I want is a hug from my mum and for her to care how I am. I really dont know where to go know,do I go nc, call her out on being thoughtless,or just let things go and see if they get better. Sorry for long post but didnt want to drip feed thanks for reading

OP posts:

iAmSiri · 05/08/2015 20:22

This won't be much help but my mother is exactly the same. I cut all ties with her two years ago. It was the best thing I ever did. I still mourn for the mother I always wanted but have accepted she will never be the person.

Much love to you op. Be kind to yourself Flowers


TheCatsMother99 · 05/08/2015 20:31

I can't help either as mine is also exactly the same. I just didn't want to read and run.

Flowers for you.


redannie118 · 05/08/2015 20:53

Thanks so much for kind wordsFlowers

OP posts:

LilyKiwi · 05/08/2015 21:08

I wonder if you are her rock and she can't bare to acknowledge any weakness in you, subconsciously or consciously. It's very hurtful for you and unfair, but I'm sure it doesn't come from a lack of love Flowers


Hellionandfriends · 05/08/2015 21:11

She's either self obsessed and can't think if others or has no idea what lupus is

What happens if you keep bringing the conversation back to your illness


frumpet · 05/08/2015 21:15

I rang my mum when I got out the hospital and told her what the doc had said I left out the really scary stuff but gave her the ghist.

Are you sure you haven't dummed down the results too much ?


KatharineH · 05/08/2015 21:37

It must be very hurtful for you.

But I agree with Lily. She is used to you being the strong one , and she has no imagination or inclination to realise that you need some TLC every now and then. She has probably blocked out what you have told her about your illness. :(

Part of this is your fault. You have been too willing to support her when things have been tough for you too, and expecting nothing back.

You should ease off the support. And start telling her the truth, or some of it, when she asks why. :) But I think that you will have to expect that your DM is not emotionally strong and expects others to always support her.


someonestolemynick · 05/08/2015 21:52

I wouldn't call it heartless, but think the seriousness of your situation and how you feel about it hasn't properly hit home yet.

I would write to/ e-mail her tell her the situation, how you feel anpit the situation and her behaviour and tell her what you want from her. Then let her take the next step.



ElizabethSpenser · 05/08/2015 21:58

Oh Red Annie, what a hard thing for you to face. I hope you are getting support from your other family if not your Mum.
I have a similar ( but not as bad as you) thing with my elderly father whom I care for. Last time I was ill, just a day in bed with a rotton cold, he cried and told me how worried he was about HIM if I wasn't well enough to care for him. He cried!


SunshineAndShadows · 05/08/2015 21:59

I think it's iften difficult for parents to process.

I have a chronic health condition which my parents are vaguely aware of and which has become more serious. I mentioned to my mum that I'd been referred to a hospital consultant and she said 'well my frizen shoulders been playing up' and talked about herself for 10 minutes. I was really hurt at the time - she had no idea how serous the referral was and didn't seem to care.

I've just learned not to tell her anything. She doesn't want to hear it


Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 05/08/2015 22:07

She's petrified that her rock needs help rather than the other way around.

To be honest your whole family sound very needy and understand they have issues but now it's time for you to stop, put yourself first and be honest with them about your condition.



flanjabelle · 05/08/2015 22:14

I actually think in your shoes I would snap at her. Probably not the best way to deal with it, but I could see myself saying something along the lines of: 'do you not understand what I have told you? I have been diagnosed with a serious illness, it is going to affect my life in x awful ways, why on earth do you keep ignoring the fact that I am so ill? It is hurtful, especially after I have been there for you through y and z. Why aren't you being there for me??'


redannie118 · 05/08/2015 22:14

Katherine ,yep I agree totally I know I have made myself far too available and I know I need to accept some of the responsiblity for that.i also need to tell my mum straight about my condition and see if that changes things,but I doubt it will

OP posts:

redannie118 · 05/08/2015 22:19

Ruled..yep thats very true my dsis and db have had multiple probs over the years,and she has always been there to support them. Shes always said how proud she is I never ask for her help but in a way it feels like emotional blackmail,like if I ask for help im somehow letting her down?

OP posts:

amarmai · 05/08/2015 22:31

agree you must cut loose from as much stress as poss and put yourself and your family ist and last or your conditions will worsen much faster. Maybe send a message to your family with the full blunt facts of your sit and let them know you cannot be of assistance in the condition you are in.

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