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AIBU?

Ugh absolutely sick of creepy men

19 replies

MakeThemEatCake · 23/07/2015 13:43

I've lost my job within the last few days, (couldn't afford to keep me on) it was only casual and I hated it so in a way its a relief but obviously money worries are rife. I saw an ad asking for a cleaner 3 days a week, good hourly rate and local so rang him as I thought it would be something while I look for a job related to what I've trained for. He said to come this morning to meet him.

I did, and he answered the door in his underwear which was odd, saying he'd only just got up! He is 89 btw and disabled. He got dressed then we chatted, him explaining he'd like ironing and general chores done. It was all fine except...he made a couple of odd comments about hoping his ex wife doesn't come over and 'catch us' (they're separated), and when showing me around said in a weird voice: "come into my bedroom..."

Whilst I did his ironing he sat in front of me and stared at me. The entire time. I tried to make conversation, I have anxiety and it was making me extremely nervous. He said a few other comments relating to sex and something vaguely homophobic. I felt vulnerable and sorry for him at the same time as he struggles with mobility and seems very lonely.

The problem is that men seem to be very inappropriate with me, I seem to attract older men who make lewd comments, and in the case of a previous job, unwanted touching. Its happened MANY times throughout my life, mostly men 20 or so years older than me.

My grandad abused me as a child, this man today looked a lot like him which didn't help, but what I wondered was, would I b U to tell him to piss off if he makes weird comments next time I go, or am I just being over sensitive??

OP posts:

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MakeThemEatCake · 24/07/2015 11:23

Yeah I wondered about dementia, but he was talking through his various health problems and said he's seen regularly and mentioned that he's fortunate enough not to have dementia. Could be early stages though I guess.

It's fine, found a temping agency and contacted them :) thanks for replies.

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toffeeboffin · 23/07/2015 16:34

Dont go back OP.

Do not go back.

Get a job anywhere else but there!!!

Look into temping instead. Contact a job agency and say you want temp work - office, factory anything. Could lead to something really good - tell them you can start on Monday and you are hardworking and a quick learner.

firesidechat · 23/07/2015 16:29

Does he have dementia? I'm not excusing his behaviour at all, but it can make both men and women behave in a sexually inappropriate way. It his right mind he may be totally horrified at his own actions.

Obviously that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. If you are working for him directly then I assume you have no one to report this to. Maybe social services?

MakeThemEatCake · 23/07/2015 15:35

achieve - thank you. You make an interesting point there, he did have that vibe about him, was flustered etc opening the door: "ooh I'm not dressed, I need the toilet first" , it was very odd, think I was in shock! I shouldn't have gone in, but am glad I've posted on here as I did think maybe I was being a bit of a cow and projecting my issues onto him. I always feel on edge around older men and wondered if it was just that.

Ah stars not self centered at all, thankyou for sharing your experience with me, its so so horrible to go through and it does make me happy to hear you are assertive now, that takes a lot as its pretty much overriding what you've had instilled in you, and taking out your 'default' reaction to things. You should be really proud

I'll have a look at agency work, I've actually got qualifications in psychology and childcare so ultimately want to get into that but will take anything atm!!

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blueshoes · 23/07/2015 15:26

Makethemeatcake, I don't know if it is the way you look or behave but perhaps the men might suspect but cannot be sure and so they start to test you subtly to see whether you draw the boundaries and then slowly push it further and further to see whether there is any resistance.

This person could not have known just from your answering his ad.

His first test was the underwear but you laid down the law in that he had to get dressed. Then he made creepy comments about his ex-wife, then sex, then staring.

This is all upping the ante to see how you respond. I can see why you did not kick him to the kerb because he was old and disabled but I am not sure this person would have got that far with me before I gave him a piece of my mind before walking out.

Some oldies can be very creepy and they get worse. Don't pity just swerve.

StarsInTheNightSky · 23/07/2015 15:15

Thank you make them, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be self centered, was just trying to sympathize. These days I have no trouble asserting myself, quite the opposite in fact, but you're right, it takes a long time to believe that you didn't bring it upon yourself, it sounds like you're doing amazingly. Are there any cleaning agencies local to you where you could pick up some hours more safely?

achieve15 · 23/07/2015 15:11

sorry you had this experience, how awful for you

don't go back

I might get flamed for this but I have discovered that old perverts often hide behind "I'm old and confused" as an excuse for what they do. Anyone who answers the door like that in future - just no, don't go in.

Can you get work with an agency?

MakeThemEatCake · 23/07/2015 15:09

I'm so sorry stars, my heart goes out to you and I'm glad you have had help to work through your awful experiences. It does take years sometimes, you're right. You have to keep fighting to assert yourself after going through it, stay strong.

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MakeThemEatCake · 23/07/2015 15:05

Thanks mamaL I know this really about people being able to prey on me because they sense they can. Thankfully I've been lucky enough to have been around some wonderful, respectful men too who don't feel the need to sexually harass me, so I do know it's not something I'm doing wrong - ingrained childhood thinking habits die hard though.

About the pants, I did actually stand outside after he answered the door, I said I'll come in when you've got your clothes on, he did apologise and say he'd overslept so that, coupled with the shock of how he answered is why I went in.
What you say makes sense, he has turned into an old perv.

Interesting thread about a man harassing a young girl on here too from her worried mum, I relate to that girl a lot as its something I've had to deal with for years now and its not pleasant at all. I don't even understand why, must be the vulnerability as i don't rate myself stunning looking and dress modestly, in fact I purposely dress down around older men, makes no difference.

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StarsInTheNightSky · 23/07/2015 14:58

100% agree with mama about why you attract them, so to speak. I was sexually abused as a child and an adult, and found that I attracted predators. It wasn't until I felt as though I had recovered from my PTSD (and that took years and years) got my confidence back and felt stronger that it stopped happening.
Leave now before it gets worse

HowD · 23/07/2015 14:09

Don't go back.

I would not have entered a house where the Man was in his pants like that. He was testing you. He advertises good money so he has a ready supply. He will up his game each time you return.

Pervs turn into old pervs and with age comes increased health problems.

AlanPacino · 23/07/2015 14:03

YY to what mama said about why this has happened a few times.

AlanPacino · 23/07/2015 14:02

Given your utterly understandable responses I wouldn't take the job. Cleaning jobs come up quite frequently so I'd wait a bit longer for someone who doesn't make you feel very uncomfortable.

Topseyt · 23/07/2015 13:59

I would not be going back to a "job" where I had felt so vulnerable and threatened.

MamaLazarou · 23/07/2015 13:55

It's not your fault, OP. You don't 'always end up around men like this', men like that end up around you because sexual predators can sniff out vulnerability like sharks smell blood. You're doing nothing wrong. Good luck finding another job

MamaLazarou · 23/07/2015 13:53

Don't go back. This man's behaviour is completely inappropriate and the fact that he is elderly doesn't make any of it ok.

MakeThemEatCake · 23/07/2015 13:52

Thank you, that has confirmed my gut instinct. It is just so annoying, I need the money badly and he's willing to pay a few times a week...I just knew on my way there that he was going to be like this, can't explain it! I always end up around men like this :(

I will try to find something else asap, nothing is worth feeling vulnerable for.

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cuntycowfacemonkey · 23/07/2015 13:47

I would absolutely NOT return to this job. He's either a pervy old man who will continue to behave inappropriately OR he's a vulnerable old man with possible dementia.

Given your history and anxiety I cannot see how continuing to work for him is a healthy situation for you.

Theycallmemellowjello · 23/07/2015 13:46

I'm so sorry for your experiences. This sounds horrible, it is sexual harrassment, and any mobility or other issues this man has do not excuse it. Must you go back to this job? It sounds like it might not be worth the anxiety. I can't help but suspect that he wants someone to come over and do chores precisely so that he can make horrible comments like this. If you return, maybe set out expectations in a phone call beforehand?

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