to be reevaluating everything in an otherwise ok relationship after these comments?

[Nabuma]

My thoughts are all over the place at the moment so would appreciate others' insights right now.
Background: Met dh at 21 (7.5yrs ago) was 11st (on 5ft 4inch frame) so chubby but not hugely so. After 2 more dcs (my eldest is from another relationship) I am now 17st, so a whale. Self esteem low, on anti ds but attempting to sort things out-attending cbt soon, starting exercise and trying to manage my over eating.
It came out in a frank discussion with dh last month that he no longer finds me very attractive. We still have sex regularly but it's me who instigates it and it more often lately it involves me giving him sexual favours.
We've had a disagreement this morning. I told him how upset I was after last months revelations about his opinions on my appearance and he reiterated those opinions again, with him maintaining that he wasn't setting out to hurt my feelings but simply being "honest."
Now the rational part of me accepts that my appearance has changed dramatically and that objectively I am not attractive anymore. But my idealistic side and my heart just feels well...slightly broken. "True" love is supposed to be unconditional right? A phrase he used keeps repeating itself in my head again and again- he said he had "lost some respect" for me.
I just feel like withdrawing from him and the relationship entirely. Separate beds, not answering to him anymore, making more decisions independently and pleasing myself and the children more with less input from him. I feel hurt and rejected and disgusted with myself. I guess I want to claim back some dignity and distance after this. And I don't want to define myself by him anymore. He has said he doesn't want us to split and financially it's not viable for us anyway. But I want to emotionally cut off from him. Am I wrong?

[Lilicat1013]

Roller skating sounds awesome, it is always good to be doing something you enjoy. Have you considered roller derby? My husband used to be a 'non skating official' for a women's team.

It is great for weight loss and you can start as you are now, there are plus side girls who do it. You would be attending weekly training sessions I think rather than being on the actual team but it would be exercise and build your confidence and fitness. Plus you would make lots of new friends.

You can search local teams by putting 'roller derby + your location' in to Facebook or Google.

[hearthattack]

I might be making some massive assumptions here, but I wonder whether there are issues other than your weight that have led to this lack of respect from your partner and you wanting to withdraw. I'm not for a moment suggesting these other things are entirely your fault. You mentioned that you 'used to be equals' and I wonder whether after several children, a break in your career while his continues, the lack of freedom, sense of independence and autonomy etc that can bring has had an effect on your self esteem and how your partner sees you. I think this is common in relationships. The weight thing could be symptom rather than a cause.

Any of that being the case, it may not be a bad thing for you to distance yourself a little from him. Not in a reactionary way, out of anger or to punish him, but because learning to please and respect yourself first is more likely to make you both happier in the long run than you doing things just to please and impress him. If you can keep your relationship going but focus on it less while you put yourself first for a while, you might just rediscover the confidence and independence he found attractive and respected you for in the first place. Him fancying you and respecting you more is a natural happy by product of that.

Don't know if that makes any sense! Good luck.

[goodnessgraciousgouda]

It depends what you "frank discussion" was about. If it was about sex or his feelings towards your appearance, then it would be totally unfair of you to judge him for being honest with you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If he didn't love you why would you both still be together? But love is separate to physical attraction - love might be blind but physical lust often isn't sadly.

The respect comment is painful, but you see it a lot on posts here where people are coming at this from your husband's perspective. There was one just a few days ago even.

I think you need to do whatever you need to do for yourself, and make it clear to your husband that him undermining your efforts will be totally counter productive. Once he sees you taking proper steps, then he should become supportive. If he doesn't, then that shows a much deeper problem.

PS, on the roller skating comment - I know it's very popular at the moment, but I would also be pretty mortified if DH suddenly announced he wanted to take up skating. Obviously I wouldn't phrase it in the same way as your DH though....

[Branleuse]

if you already wanted to lose weight, then it wouldnt be a case of doing it now, entirely for him. It would be for both of you.

What he said is bound to have hurt. You probably shouldnt ask him stuff that you cant handle the answer to though. He hasnt said he has stopped loving you, but 6 stone is a huge amount to gain on a 5ft 4 figure, so it might be worth concentrating on getting healthy and fit again, and less on his comment on it, that you dug out of him.

[murmuration]

OP, I've gained a similar amount to you (same height, but started a bit lower) since I've known DH, and he's said the same thing to me about attractiveness. However, he's never said anything like that about respect.

I'm wondering if you can re-open the discussion around that, and ask for his support. As others have said, the respect not the attractiveness is the key thing. Metabolism also changes as you age -- it gets slower, and anti-Ds (and hormonal birth control, if you're on any) also cause weight gain. So while some of your (and my) weight gain may be due to personal choices, other parts of it would be things that you would have had to actively change your behaviour in order to stay the same. That's hard to notice until it happens! Perhaps you can talk to him about some of these things, and if he can see it's not just you not caring, but you battling yourself and external forces, he may turn around the respect view. And maybe it's something said in anger, and he might reassess that part, if not the attractiveness part.

And, good luck! I'm trying to get down in weight too. Maybe we both can :)

[Nabuma]

iknow been on anti ds for about 18months. Thanks for the well wishing. my youngest is nearly three so am looking forward to more freedom once she starts school!
I actually have started a very tentative list of goals. One is to lose enough weight to start roller skating. I have my eye on a very pretty pair of '70's style blue skates with rainbow coloured piping DH would think they are hideous and that I am immature/embarrassing for wanting them and wanting to skate. It silly things like that really. I think I've lost who I am a bit and when you try and please someone it can destroy you when they reject you. I'm feeling philosophical. I love all you mumsnetters

[Nabuma]

Gh, wrote a big reply and lost it.

purple well I still wear makeup and do my hair. I try to dress nicely but my clothes mainly consist of leggings and tunic tops/ dresses, so I guess maybe a bit frumpy?
catmint thanks, I think that's exactly what I'm going to do.
vanilla I will be telling dh to do that. And thanks for the advice. I am going to try couch to 5 k.
lilicat part of me wants to leave but I'm scared and I don't want to mess the dcs up. DS is starting high school in Sept, things need to be stable for them. Well done, also your dh sounds lovely!
Iknow I'm thinking separate lives, same house.
catmint thank you, I'm going to enjoy things that are separate from the relationship and appreciate those.
loads of you have given great advice and some of you some tough things to swallow but valuable nevertheless. Thanks everyone.

[IKnowRight]

Sorry OP massive cross post there. (flitting in and out of half typed posts whilst at work)

Your self respect shouldn't be tied up with what he thinks. Disengage from him, find out what YOU want and go for it - weight loss, college, working, whatever. How old are your dc's? It's really hard when they're small I know but does get easier once they're at school. How long have you been taking ad's? You might find that once you're feeling better in yourself, the obstacles might not seem so big.

Wishing you well :)

[DinosaursRoar]

Seeing your later post, do you think the lost respect comment was just in relation to the weight, or have you gone from someone with lots of plans and drive to being most passive? Are you assuming all the bad stuff is related to the weight?

Does he still look very similar or has he also gained a lot of weight?

[comingintomyown]

I had this with my alcoholic smoking gambling XH , I told him if his habits showed on the outside the way my overeating habit did maybe he would be more understanding.

I don't know the answer but if you commit to getting fit again do it for yourself not your marriage

[Nabuma]

You're right dinosars I don't feel the weight gain is something i've chosen though-more of a side effect of my emotional state. But it does boil down to responsibility doesn't it? And I do, have a choice. I think maybe thinking like that could be empowering for me.

Ouryve Your comments about respect are really helpful. When I started this thread I felt so shit. I'm starting too feel more determined.
TRexing your comments are so encouraging, thank you. And well done to you.

[Lilicat1013]

Personally I wouldn't stay with a man who said he didn't respect me, you deserve more than that. You can address your weight/diet issues but do that for you not for him.

He isn't supporting you or encouraging you, I have gained a lot of weight since I met my husband and am currently working on getting rid of it. When I took up running he did as well, when I asked him to take on bedtime on his own so I could do a boxercise class he did it no question*. He doesn't make comments about not finding me attractive any more and is very positive with his comments.

Your husband isn't concerned about helping you or supporting you with his 'just being honest' comments. I would definitely suggest considering a separation then you can work on you for you, for you own goals and because you want to. You will get there, every journey starts with a first step. Good luck


*Both children are autistic so that is a big ask.

[VanillaTwirl]

The only advice I have is to put yourself first. If you lose weight and get fit, do it because you want to - bollocks to everyone else, including your husband.

ADs can make you pile weight on and increase your appetite, so dont be hard on yourself for getting to this stage and weight.
Start by making small, manageable, achievable changes - don't set yourself up to fail right from the off; get active - walk or cycle a bit a few times a week, and start to make changes in your nutrition & eating habits.

It won't happen overnight, but you will get to where you want to be eventually - and hopefully with your self-esteem and respect intact.
Everyone deserves basic respect as a human being, no matter what size or shape they are - stop being the 'wanksock' (your words, sorry !) and tell him to sort himself out if he is desperately in need of a hand job, you are worth more than that.

[Catmint]

Oh OP, I am so sorry that you are feeling down.

I'm really concerned about the "lost respect" comment because it implies either that his respect for you is totally contingent on your appearance ( horrifyingly shallow) and/ or that he has absolutely no clue about the complexities of depression and the ways that it affects people. He may even think that it's a weakness.

For these reasons, I think that you should focus on yourself for a while. Take the meds, do the treatment. Have a think about what non relationship things make you happy.

Once you are feeling better in yourself you can decide what YOU want in a relationship, and if you are getting it.

[IKnowRight]

I take a slightly different view to pp's, I think he's being a bit of a knob.

My issue with what he said to you is this - you've already started the process of turning things round, you're taking medication, CBT, starting an exercise plan, and he's still saying he's lost respect for you. Surely he should be respecting you more now that you've realised you have an issue and you're trying to sort it out?

Yes he's being honest, yes he'll look at you differently now that you're heavier than you were when you met, but he should be supporting your changes not making you feel shit about where you are now. If it was such a big issue for him then surely he should have said something before now?

In your place I'd be stopping the sexual favours and I think a bit of distance is a good idea. I'm not saying ltb, not straight away anyway, but separate lives for a while might be good whilst you work out whether he's willing to help and support you or if he's just using your weight as an excuse for deeper issues he might have with your relationship. He already sounds really selfish from what little you've written here, don't let him allow you to suck his cock and then tell you he finds you unattractive.

I think you may be able to work something out between you, but he needs to step up as well.

[Purplepoodle]

He's put this on you. Men can be back and white - loose weight and she will be the happy, confident women I used to know.

I would concentrate on what he can do to help you. Could he cook healthy meals and do the portion size at meal times. Does he buy unhealthy food so it's in the house. Could you start doing some exercise together during the week - cycling, walking, badminton.

Is it just your weight or to be rude - have you let yourself go. When I was very heavy I wore awful clothes, stopped wearing makeup or bothering with my hair. So before I even tried to loose weight I started looking after myself. I treated myself to a couple new outfits, had my hair done and nails. It made me feel better and have the confidence to then tackle my weight

[Nabuma]

just reread my post, it's not a big city, as far as cities go. But big for a small town girl.
More info. We met at college, on the same course-Access to HE. We were equals then. He went to uni after the course finished and we moved in together-whilst I went to work as I was scared of uni at that point. He is now fully qualified and doing very well in his chosen career. I've had two more children. I guess I haven't grown but he has. There's a bigger disparity in our situations now-him breadwinner, me sahm.

[DinosaursRoar]

From your OP, you talk about your weight gain as something that just happened, and an inevitable part of having children, rather than something you chose to do.

If you stop thinking of your weight gain as something external or that you didn't have a choice over, then perhaps it's easier to see his 'respect' comment in relation to that - you made choices that lead to you going from being "a bit chubby" to "obese", it could be more he doesn't respect the choices you have made.

I'm afraid I'm another one who would struggle to find my DH still sexually attractive if he gained a large amount of weight taking him to obese levels, a few kgs, a bit of extra padding wouldn't make a massive difference, but a dramatic change would mean I'd not find him as attractive, although I'm sure I'd still love him no matter what.

[Nabuma]

Sorry, am a slow typer on my phone so have switched to laptop.
worra I did ask. I guess they were leading questions. After a row so not the best time to ask him. I think I knew his opinions before he answered but the respect thing took me by surprise. I think part of me wanted to find out if he would tell me how he felt even though he would have known it would hurt me. I'm feeling pretty self destructive at times lately.
I really want to do what far and apocalypse suggest but I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I don't want to be me anymore, whoever that is. I moved to a big city (DH's job necessitated it) from a small village 2.5 yrs ago, just after my youngest was born. after the move I got down to 12.9lbs but it's all gone back on plus more. I don't work as childcare is too dear and have made literally no friends. I have actually been at uni for the past year but not really clicked with anyone. I'm lonely.
I know I'm rambling but DH is a strong personality, I met him young after recovering from pnd with my first child-he was like the sunshine after clouds. I don't think I knew who I was when I met him and he kind of swallowed me up. And now I don't know who I am but at least I thought I might be someone he liked, even if I, or no-one else did. But that's all been blown up now hasn't it?
I'm sorry, I haven't really responded properly to anyone have I? Thanks everyone, I have taken it all in though.

[TRexingInAsda]

It feel likes a betrayal to use someone like a wank sock.

^Yes it does, and yanbu to be totally put off from your h after he's treated you like that. The bloody cheek of someone saying they don't respect you, but don't want to split up!! "Oh so you'd like me to hang around for your convenience and financial security (and occasional sexual favours) while you've disengaged emotionally and are blaming my looks, whilst still fucking me)? Great, where do I sign up?!!" What a knob. I'd want independence too.

Don't feel pathetic or ashamed, it's not you who should feel that, it's him.

Totally separately, with the weight thing, good luck - you CAN do it and you will feel amazing when you do. I lost nearly 5 stone in a year (after having my ds). It's hard, but you just have to keep going, and when you balls up (which you will) don't give in, just go back to it and keep going. It will come off. x

[ouryve]

You should respect yourself because you can leave partner who doesn't respect you, but you're stuck with yourself for life

And, even if he doesn't respect you, why shouldn't you? You don't need anyone else's permission to respect yourself. Ever.

[Sazzle41]

What Worra said. Men are visual. Its something primal to do with certain shape/symetry (sp?) signals health/fertility and future survival of the breed. BBC 1 prog. recently - those we view as 'attractive' have symetrical features and bodily, are in proportion. The only famous person who didnt match the symetry theory facially when they measured, was Marilyn Monroe.

From my own exp. It is a vicious circle the more depressed you are the more you eat. You need to let the anti d's work/kick in then try re food and exercise. Maybe he was trying to shock you into action? Sometimes people can be really rubbish at what they think is motivation or an incentive...

[ApocalypseThen]

If my dh can't respect me, why should anyone-why should I?

Well, I wouldn't take your husband's attitude as law here. Frankly, I'd be pretty inclined to let him off deciding whether you deserve respect - there's a good chance that his opinion does not deserve that much weight.

[Nabuma]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I think the clincher for me is actually the comment on respect. If my dh can't respect me, why should anyone-why should I? Maybe it's a chicken/egg situation?
I'm totally at rock bottom really-this weight needs to come off. I guess that now it feels like I'm doing for him, when really I'm hurt by him and feeling pretty angry at him for not realising how hurtful (although honest ) his comments were.
When I reflect on the sexual side of things I'm feeling even.more disgusted by myself and feeling stupid and pathetic and used. It feel likes a betrayal to use someone like a wank sock. The last time we had sex he didn't "engage" with me at all-no kissing, caressing or eye contact. He's taller than me and my eyes were level with his chest throughout the whole thing. God, I'm pathetic aren't I?
I think pp are right, he's already emotionally "gone" isn't he?

[FarFromAnyRoad]

Poor you - I feel upset on your behalf . It's hard and whether right or wrong I'd feel differently about him if my DH said this about me - ever. It's all in your power to turn the situation around though - and if I were you I might be tempted to go right ahead and do that and then fuck him off to the far side of fuck.
Hope things get better for you