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AIBU?

I over reacted didn't I?

59 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 31/05/2011 22:22

DS1 has had 2 days filming at this school after being picked for a part in a channel 4 production.

So I gave him my trust and allowed him to go.

Last night the filming ended at 6.15pm he got home around 6.40.

Tonight he was meant to go from school straight to my mums which is about the same distance from school to home.

At 6.45 I called the school to see if filmong had finished to be told it was over running by an hr 45minutes. So I thought it would be safer for me to meet him, left home and got to the school at 7.30.

Waited a while and no sign of DS1, tried his phone and no answer. So called mum who said she had just spoken to him and had told him to come back to me. Waited a few minutes and still no sign of him so phoned him again and he told me that he couldn't be bothered to come back.

I told him he had no choice but to come back.
I walked up the road he told me he was at the other end of to me, and there was no sign so I called him again and he told me he was at the pther end now. I walked back down it and was halfway when I called him and said you have not passed me so where are you. He said again he was at the other end of the road to me and was outside his school.

I crossed over the road and as I did looked to my left and there running out of a VERY dodgy estate was DS1. I am ashamed to admit I did yell at him to move his backside.

This estate is very bad, drug deals take place there, it is muggers paradise it is awful. I am furious as he had no need to be there.

I then took him to my mums myself as I was so angry with him and all the way he was telling me I was an embarrassment, had no right to go near his school, Should not have gone to his school, needed to let him live his life etc. This went on until we got to my mums and he then started with the attitude to her.

I have told him and my mum that I don't care who asks him over the next few days while he is with her, that he is not under any circumstances allowed to go out with the other children in the family unless an adult is with them as he has again proven he cannot be trusted to be where he is meant to be.

I must add this is not the first time he has done a disappearing act. But he has recently been chatting to a girl on FB who I have to say I disapprove of, when she is sending him messages that 12yr old girls should NOT be sending and I have told him he is to have nothing to do with her.


So AIBU to stop him going out without an adult and to also take his expensive phone away from him and give him a more basic one. Until he can prove he is trustworthy.

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TheLadyEvenstar · 01/06/2011 11:33

Amber, it was an act of defiance.

He was meant to come out of the front gate of school and go to the bus stop. He chose to go out the back gate and walk around on the estate.

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amberleaf · 01/06/2011 10:47

So it was probably the over running in filming that caused the issue? not a deliberate act of defiance as such?

Can totally understand why you'd be frantic when you dont know where he is.

Kind of not the point but re The estate, i know it, i know people that lived/live there, i know it has a bad rep but real normal people live there they are not all criminals or two headed monsters. to be honest your sons lack of sense of danger would probably make him stand out less walking through there than someone who looked clearly nervous of the 'bad estate' they were walking through.

But as i said totally understand why you were so worried when you didnt know where he was-i would have felt the same.

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TheLadyEvenstar · 01/06/2011 10:41

Kara, if only!! his father rarely talks to him on FB but it is the only way he has on talking to him sadly.

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KaraStarbuckThrace · 01/06/2011 10:03

LE - Sad for those comments, kids can be so cruel, but sorry this lends weight to my argument he should NOT be on face book. His dad should keep in touch in other ways, do you have a webcam, Skype is a great way to keep in touch and you can do chat messages as well as actual phone calls. I use it a lot as both my parents live a long way off.

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TheLadyEvenstar · 01/06/2011 10:02

Grin Not your spelling!

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MrsDanverclone · 01/06/2011 10:01

I know my spelling this morning is appalling Blush

I have an older Dd so was prepared, the things she used to tell me would make your hair turn grey. She once said she had heard some gossip, but really I didn't want to know, I said oh tell me anyway. It was something I really didn't want to know!
My older Dd had a long term boyfriend and pupils in school were constantly coming up to ask her and her boyfriend, if they had had sex yet, because it is so expected among teenage culture.

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TheLadyEvenstar · 01/06/2011 09:53

MrsDanver, I was totally shocked!

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MrsDanverclone · 01/06/2011 09:51

Vein not vain!

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MrsDanverclone · 01/06/2011 09:49

Goblinchild I am so pleased she has finally found some friends her own age who accept her, she's been through Hell though to get to this stage.
I have to strongly resist hugging them and telling them how wonderful I think they are, whenever I meet them though Grin

TheLady we had to do the FB supervision bit as well in the beginning and encourage culling of those who aren't nice people. (lots of long discussions on what constitutes a nice person etc) and I can quite believe a 12 year old girl posting very sexual comments, those who posted in a similar vain also were culled. It is truly shocking what comments and photos some put on FB.

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TheLadyEvenstar · 01/06/2011 09:47

Monsta, why the raised eyebrow? This was diagnosed when he was about 10yrs old. The Aspergers was only diagnosed Febuary this year.

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BulletWithAName · 01/06/2011 09:45

Oh wow, I know the estate you're talking about, YADNBU at all.

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MrsDanverclone · 01/06/2011 09:38

The only problem with you collecting him from school is that its going to make him really stand out, having his mum collect him from Secondary school. Having Asperger's already makes you stand out and my Dd was desperate to blend in, so he might resent you even more and it could cause further problems. Is there a place slightly away from school, out of sight of main school gates you could arrange to meet? The agreement being that he meets you every day for whatever period of time you agree to, but if he breaks that agreement even once, you will collect him from school reception and he can't leave until you have signed him out.

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Goblinchild · 01/06/2011 09:34

' She was invited for the first time to a girl's party, they were all dressed as though they could have been going nightclubbing, looking stunning, fashionable and full make up. She took her latest 'interest ' to show them, you wouldn't have believed she was 14, the same as them, and they were just lovely with her.'

There are some lovely people in the world, and it's fantastic that your daughter has found herself in a group of them. Smile

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MonstaMunch · 01/06/2011 09:32

ODD - oppositional defiance disorder. ConfusedHmm

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TheLadyEvenstar · 01/06/2011 09:32

MrsDanver, the only reason I have taken FB off his phone and taken the phone away is he is not coming home when he is meant to and therefore having that phone poses a danger to me.

As for the FB I am sick of seeing other kids comment on his status with "Retard", "Idiot" , and other insults. Then to find this girls messages where she is telling him what she lets boys do to her was the last straw for me. He will be allowed to use FB on my laptop in the living room where he is fully supervised.

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MrsDanverclone · 01/06/2011 09:28

I am such a soppy thing, I started to cry, remembering about the party and meant to write 'for a person on the AS to grasp.'

"Get a grip woman, get a grip" chants to self.

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TheLadyEvenstar · 01/06/2011 09:28

Just to briefly explain the FB thing - he has had the account for 3yrs now as it was his only way of contacting his father, and until recently he rarely used it.

The phone well that was my mistake I went onto a contract and I put him on one as well. I am not up on all the new phones around so when they suggested a phone which sounded good I accepted. He has the same phone as me. But I have an old Sony Ericcsson here he will be using from now onwards until he can prove he is trustworthy.

I had a terrible nights sleep last night where I was in such a state over this. And it has made me more determined to sort things out. I am emailing the school to make sure he is not let out until someone gets there to collect him, I reckon a couple of weeks doing this and he will buck his ideas up. My sister is in agreeance with me, my mum is dead set against it.

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MrsDanverclone · 01/06/2011 09:22

As a mum of a daughter with Asperger's who has had to deal with similar situations ( many times) I can totally understand you getting cross. He needs to understand he didn't follow the agreed plan and therefore there is consequences and he has to earn your trust again. But because of the ASD that slight deviation caused him to decide it was a good idea to go for a jaunt through a rough estate, this is one of the bits I am finding really hard to deal with, having to have worked out and discussed plans of action, to every different scenario that could occur when my DD isn't with me, so she knows how to respond appropriately.
You sound as though you are being a good parent to him and encouraging his independence, he needs plenty of chances to practise if he's anything like my Dd!

I wouldn't take away his phone or access to FB and the computer, its hard enough for someone with Asperger's to make friends and be social, but through texting, chat and going on FB they are able to be 'sociable' in a way that is comfortable for them and other people can begin to understand them and maybe friendships develop.
FB has been brilliant for my daughter, she was bullied and had to be moved, her new tutor group students sent her FB requests and gradually over time, she has chatted to them on chat, commented on statuses etc and they have accepted her for herself. She was invited for the first time to a girl's party, they were all dressed as though they could have been going nightclubbing, looking stunning, fashionable and full make up. She took her latest 'interest ' to show them, you wouldn't have believed she was 14, the same as them, and they were just lovely with her. I felt like crying when we picked her up at the end of the evening, as she'd had a great time. Since then she's been invited out to lots of things and now I have the problem of helping her learn life skills that are essential, but are so so hard at times, for a person on the ASD to grasp.

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SunshineisSorry · 01/06/2011 08:26

I dont think YABU at all - aspergers or no, he knows the rules that he is not to be on that estate. Yes, im sure not everyone on there is a drug dealer or such like but as an adult i would feel nervous walking through a place like that, because among the majority of decent people living there, there will be some real dodgy characters im sure. Your son, with his age, and condition, would be extremely vulnerable.

Phone is a great bit of leverage for a parent, yes, keep it til he proves himself again.

Good Luck - ive done the teen parenting, its a minefield :)

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KaraStarbuckThrace · 01/06/2011 07:46

LadyEvenstar - I don't think you are being unreasonable to be angry and upset.
My DSS(10yo) has Asperger's and like your DS, has NO sense of danger and also appears to be quite immature for his age(due to his Asperger's traits), so can understand you are worried for his safety. It is only in the last year or so we feel confident to allow him to play outside in our very quiet street! He plays with the local younger kids, who are far more streetwise than him.

However YABU allowing to have an expensive 'phone, DSS is often very careless with his things and breaks/loses things very readily because he easily slips into an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude. Though I suspect that is less of an Asperger's trait as a typical preteen trait Smile
And 12yo is too young to be on FB. The minimum age is 13. Personally I think this should be lifted to 18, myself. There are other social networking sites that are far more appropriate to children.

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Orchidskeepdying · 01/06/2011 07:44

Tinie Tempah did alright growing up there....

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mummytime · 01/06/2011 07:34

Okay you are supposed to be 13 to be on Facebook (and before you say but everyone is, my sociable 12 year old isn't, my 15 year old is but not much). I think you need to go over stranger danger with him again. Keep explaining why he shouldn't be on that estate, why such messages are wrong etc.

Has his school ever done any specialist ASD sex education? I know they were doing some in Nottinghamshire and it was supposed to be very useful.

Good luck!
(BTW there are lots of possible candidates for the largest estate in Europe, depends on what you mean by estate).

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Ben10isthespawnofthedevil · 01/06/2011 07:19

YADNBU

You live in SE London, not a village on the edge of nowhere. I grew up in S London and we moved away so that DS wouldn't have to walk through places like that. I moved away so that I didn't see yellow "murder" signs on the end of my road.

Esp with his AS, it is definitely not safe for him to be wandering round there. I don't know what to suggest as we are just going through the dx process for AS with our 5 year old but just wanted to give you my support.

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Goblinchild · 01/06/2011 07:17

'Excuse my ignorance but i thought people with Aspergers had trouble breaking rules and generally stick to them by the letter? Or does that just depend on the person?'

He did stick to his usual rule, worra, go to your gran's.
Then the situation changed and he wasn't prepared for it and that's when the teenaged boy combined with the AS to make him improvise, muck about with no real sense of the danger or appropriateness of the location.
You can't just throw a new rule at my Aspie an think he'll obey it, he needs to recognise it as a rule, understand it, talk about it and embed it before it's part of his world. Sometimes it takes a minute or two, sometimes it takes longer.
So, cheap phone, clear rules that everyone sticks to and more clarity in the structure.

'So called mum who said she had just spoken to him and had told him to come back to me. '
That's probably when the teenager kicked in...Smile

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iscream · 01/06/2011 05:52

I would not want my 12 year old child in a dangerous place like that either. I was strict about always knowing where they were. But your son is even more vulnerable. His safety must come first. I would give him a cheap phone, if he walks near that area on the way home from school, but not for punishment, just because it is better to loose a cheaper one if it is taken from him. I do not know anything much about autism, and I am not sure what sort of discipline would be best. You want him to realize how dangerous it is in that area, perhaps you can find some sort of a way to educate him on that?

Good luck, I hope you can get him to understand.

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