To expect my DH to cut back drinking to help us conceive?

[Jemimapuddleduk]

Our ttc experience has felt like a long and arduous process. 10 months of nothing then 2 mc's straight after another this year (7.5 weeks and mmc at 11 weeks).
This has had a big emotional toll on me and has affected my relationship with my DH.
We are now starting to talk about ttc again. His approach is to tell me to relax, enjoy a few drinks whilst we are trying and to take up some new hobbies to take my mind off ttc.
My approach is wanting it to happen asap (we have already had 15 months of blooming up/downs and heartache). I am planning on stopping drinking totally and want him to cut back too. He has already reduced his drinking this year but it is still over the recommended weekly amounts (21 units), all socially on a weekend. He is refusing to cut back any more as he doesn't think it has an impact. In all fairness when we did conceive it was after Christmas excess etc BUT these 2 pregnancies ended in mc's.

Don't get me wrong the giving up drinking whilst we are trying will be v HARD as we are a very socialable couple and go out a lot and i love a few glasses of red wine. However i want to give the ttc my best shot.

We keep arguing about this, AIBU?

[buildabridge]

Def agree with Nesbo, I have a friend who fell pregnant instantly both times with healthy full term preganncies, and constantly commented how her DH felt he had been 'cheated out of loads of sex and the fun of TTC'
It was fun, for the first few months...

[Nesbo]

And you LIT! I just think having sex in this situation can really mess with your mind, feeling that for 2 or 3 days you can't refuse no matter what you feel like, the pressure of having to come otherwise it is a chance wasted, worrying about whether your partner is feeling the same so for the first time in your relationship sex might just be going through the motions rather than something you both want to do. With all that going through your mind and the pressure going up a notch each month it is a test for any couple. I really envy friends/family for whom it seemed to happen so easily.

[Nesbo]

No offence taken Jemima and thanks- just being a bit over sensitive but it can really bring you down. We just have to keep trying and hope for the best! Will hope to see good news from you in the future.

[LostInTransmogrification]

Nesbo, sorry of I offended but I didn't mean it like that because the guy wasn't actually being forced, his pride was just a bit dented because his wife was a bit too focussed on following charts and temperatures and all the romance went out the window (hence why I advised op to stop mentioning it so much) the comment about 'poor Lamb' came from our male colleagues who couldn't understand his reluctance to run up the stairs after his wife.

[Jemimapuddleduk]

Nesbo - i am sorry of the situation you are in and i know from bitter experience how tedious, lonely and non enjoyable this ttc can become.
I am sorry if it seemed as though i was making a joke out of a very serious issue. I suppose i have been feeling so very down and was trying to make light of an even worse sitaution that thankfully we are not yet in.
I am sorry if i offended you and i wish you and your OH good luck.

[Nesbo]

LIT - i don't think the "poor lamb, forced to have sex with his wife" is a particularly nice comment (there are enough harrowing tales on here of women who feel obliged to have sex with their husbands when they don't want to and it is never treated flippantly). I'm in the same position as that guy at the moment, having to force myself to have sex at times as we are TTC and to not do so would be terribly disappointing for my partner. Frankly it is a pretty horrible situation to have a loving sex life gradually morph into something that is overshadowed by function, and as the months keep passing I'm struggling with it more and more.

Sorry to derail OP, just feeling a bit sensitive about it all at the moment :(. Best of luck to you both.

[Jemimapuddleduk]

Ha LostIn, that is funny about that guy at work, poor thing. I have also heard of situations where the bloke has ended up getting performance anxiety with all the pressure of ttc. Thank lord i havn't driven him to that state.

Yes maybe i am totally over analysing it and need to shut up going on about it. It is just very difficult, ends up being all consuming this blinking ttc! How jealous am i of the people who get lucky first time.....

Thank you everyone for your views.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I wish you well, Jemima... perhaps if you let him know it could be sooner rather than later if he cut back a bit now, he might be keen to help....

Good luck to you both! :)

[FabbyChic]

Eight pints in a weekend is nothing.

It really isn't he isn't over drinking, he doesn't have a drink problem.

[LostInTransmogrification]

I might stop mentioning it at all - guys can get a bit funny about ttc. I used to work with a guy who felt like all his wife wanted was the sperm and that the sex that went with it was incidental and he was really starting to feel 'used' (poor lamb, forced to have sex with his wife). maybe you should keep talk of ttc quiet and seduce him at the right time!

[Jemimapuddleduk]

Thanks again for all the posts.

Yes DH definitely does want children and I believe that he is fully aware that our social lives will change once a baby comes along. A good proportion of our friends now have families.
I think what he is not prepared to do is put his life on hold whilst we are ttc again. My point is we might get there quicker if he wasn't drinking so much.

My DH isn't an alcoholic (in my opinion) we both work full time (his in quite a high pressure role) and weekends are when he see's it as a time to let his hair down. The half bottle of wine on a thurs/fri and sat is at home and the up to 8 pints tends to be at the football on a Saturday. I havn't seen my DH drunk in over a year. It may sound like a lot but unfortunately this seems to be the norm in our circle of friends (some actually have more, i know some friends DH's who are having near enough a bottle of wine a night).
We have a hen/stag do and 2 weddings coming up in the next month which again will result in me getting stressed about how much he is drinking.

With regards understanding the mcs, we have some blood tests booked in this afternoon at the hospital (we were offered these last week when i had my erpc). That will help ease some of my stress i am sure.

I know ttc is stressful and the best thing is to try and relax, it is just much blooming easier said than done!

Waterrat - what you said about giving it 3 months and then bringing it up again is a good point, thank you.

[IgnoringTheChildren]

As to why you had two mc in a row - you'll never know for sure what caused them - hopefully it's just bad luck that won't get repeated. The majority of early mc are thought to be due to chromosomal abnormalities which can be due to a problem with the egg, defective sperm or 'mistakes' made during the early cell divisions. If you are unlucky enough to suffer a 3rd mc then you should be referred to fertility specialists to try to find out the cause.

[chandellina]

to know if it's an issue, you could have his sperm count checked. Alcohol DOES make a big difference for a lower count but if it's a high count it won't matter materially. Also, it takes three months for the good effects of abstinence/cutting back to come through. good luck.

[Bellebelicious]

I think you should talk to your GP (or specialist) about the amount DH is drinking and get their point of view - it may have an effect on his sperm count, especially if he's older.

I have to agree with the poster who said that anyone who can't give up alcohol has a problem. He is drinking a fair whack every week, and that's after cutting down, so presumably he would drink more given the choice.

Giving up alcohol for 6 months will do wonders for his health, liver and waistline and put your mind at rest. It's sad that a drug is seen as so important in our society and that he can't do without it for a short period of time. (I know I sound sanctimonious, sorry).

[IgnoringTheChildren]

This is obviously pretty stressful for both of you - I hope that you can manage to find a way to deal with this without putting too much pressure on your relationship and that you get a BFP which results in a healthy baby soon.

From a purely medical point of view the amount that your DH is drinking probably is affecting his sperm count and quality (I say probably as everyone is different and some men clearly do manage to drink loads and still father children without problems) - not just the quanitity but also the fact that it is weekend "binge" drinking. Maybe you could persuade your DH to do some research/google alcohol and sperm.

It's pretty hard to not let TTC take over your lives but then it's also pretty hard to put it on hold or take a break from it.

[Panda1234]

Fabby - it's NOT HELPFUL to tell people who are going through infertility problems to 'just relax'. Also, that stuff about stress affecting conception is rubbish. Some studies into IVF have shown that stress actually helps.

Jemima - sorry for your losses and hope you're ok. There's all sorts of stuff on the internet about drinking during ttc. It usually varies between cutting it out altogether and enjoying in moderation. It doesn't sound like your DH is going too badly overboard and it seems highly unlikely that drinking caused your miscarriages - think how many people concieve when drunk.

Have you had any follow-up to discuss why you've miscarried? It might be worth both you and your DH going to your GP again and asking him/her about drinking and other risk factors, what happens if (and I really hope not) you have another loss, is there anything else they can do to help you set your mind at rest, and so on?

[LiliesandVeuve]

i think you need to get some more medical advice.
The fact that you have conceived would suggest that the sperm is ok, and in my personal experience, that's the way the medical profession would look at it.
I was in the same position and they didn't even consider looking at dh's sperm.
the tests for infertility and the tests for recurrent miscarriages are different, it's not all bagged together.

I'm really sorry you have been through those miscarriages, and I can completely understand how ttc takes over.
But I think you need to concentrate on being generally healthy, physically and emotionally. Not concentrating on how a couple of drinks could affect sperm

[LostInTransmogrification]

Agree with Highlander, if he isn't willing to cut back now will he expect to drink as much when you have a baby? You both need to be realistic that you won't be socialising as much when the baby appears and I am concerned that you will hit problems if he wants to continue to drink/socialise as much and you are left to stay in with the baby.

Sounds like you need to put ttc on hold for now as you are both getting stressed about it. And you need to discuss your expectations of how life will change when the baby arrives (coming from someone who's DH is out more now than he was before ds arrived!)

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

I'm sorry you are having such a rotten time, but I do agree with the posters who have pointed out that your H may feel that TTC is taking over your lives, and his drinking really doesn't sound like much of a threat to conception. WHy not agree a short break from TTC such as 3 months or so? Give yourselves a physical and mental rest from the pressure, because it's unfortunately true that serious anxiety and stress about TTC makes it less likely to happen.

[FreudianSlipOnACrown]

Ah I missed where it said he's already cut down a bit, sorry.

It's still over the recommended amount of units though.

[waterrat]

and..one last point! does he want a child? What an awful thing to say about a man who has been TTC for a year and been through, with his partner, two recent miscarriages. He probably wants to try to give his wife a break from endless worrying - whether or not his decision is perfect we dont know. But people are not perfect.

[waterrat]

ahem....hold on - he has cut down., She said he has cut down a lot already - he has not 'point black refused' to give up or cut down. and his drinking is not excessive.

TTC is so stressful for the couple - give this man a break! he is not an alcoholic and Im sure the OP does not think he is.

You really need to hold on to your relationship here and miscarrying will have been deeply traumatic for you both. Please ignore the hysterical comments here.

[waterrat]

he doesn't have a drink problem. I think the issue here is that he may feel that TTC has taken over both your lives and he is trying to hold on to some sense of normality. While I really sympathise with you OP I think you need to pull back a bit, because your relationship with him is also important - as is his ability to enjoy a social life.

Obviously alcohol isn't necessary to enjoy life, but if he wants to keep having a few drinks, and if he has cut down already, then I think give him a break for another few months before talking about it again.

[FreudianSlipOnACrown]

IMHO a person who point blank refuses to give up or cut down excessive drinking (for a relatively short period - it's not like you're telling him NEVER to drink again is it!) has a problem with alcohol.