Is it me ? or him?

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

Sorry have name changed as H (usually DH) knows my name.

I need to know if I am BU or its him?..

I am just over 13 weeks pregnant with our DC2.

Last night we had a huge row over how he feels like he is constantly picking up after me and not getting thanks?..I did ask since when do we have to ?thank? each other for every task i.e. Did he ?thank? me for cleaning the bathroom on Saturday or doing the vacuuming?

Ended up with him getting really cross and saying just leave me alone I don?t want to keep going over it, I?ve tried to explain calmly etc? and me then shouting a bit and going to bed crying ! (Hardly good for the baby I imagine)

I have told him I?ve been doing my best (and yes I do leave a trail of stuff around at the moment) but I?m not exactly functioning well ? as he knows, severe tiredness and nausea.

I am really cross and feel like if he thinks this is bad wait until this baby arrives and everywhere is messy. (By the way its not like he has ever been a tidy freak, we both admit we are quite messy)

So here?s the AIBU ? I am seriously thinking we can?t get through this ? I am just so upset with him. And am wondering if I would be better on my own? Just need a bit of mumsnet clarity as I am all over the place with hormones?

Sorry this is a bit long ? I don?t want to be accused of not putting all the facts down in the first post.

Any comments would be really appreciated.

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

Ah thanks everyone - for all the good advice, reassurance and opinions.

Have called him at work and we've made up.

Mostly thanks for preventing me from really letting it get out of hand - by me being over dramatic.

Can always rely on Mumsnet to put you straight.

Thank you.

[firsttimer84]

hi! Im exactly the same, in the mornings im fine and can function but i start work at 7am so no time to tidy, when i get in at 2pm im so tired and then the nausea overwhelms me and have to go to bed or i spend all afternoon throwing up. Im now 15 weeks and its starting to tail off but i still cant face cooking which i feel soooo bad about! My poor hubby works until half 7 every night then has meetings (we both do) (we're very churchy) and i m doing well if i can throw a pizza in for him! I keep saying when i feel better ill give the house a deep clean and start cooking again but he says dont worry about it. I too leave a trail of destruction behind me! And yes we are only pregnant and i said that i would never be one of those "sickly" pregant woman, however my body and baby decided different! OOh just thought i could get the slow coooker out!

[HappySeven]

I agree with Birds. My second was a doddle compared to the first despite everyone telling me it would be awful. I was able to ignore all the bad advice and just get on with enjoying the baby. My 1st was 4 and was a great help. When he started school it meant I had time to devote to the baby alone and do all those lovely things you can only do with a baby.

It does sound like your DH is feeling unappreciated but it also sounds like you realise that. Pregnancy and small children can be hard on a relationship. Hope you make it up soon.

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

Thanks Birds - that is very reassuring.

[Birdsgottafly]

I see that you already have a DD. Just to say that i found that i parented differently with my second and third and it was not any harder having two, for some strange reason, just more washing! With my first i didn't know how people with more than one coped. But babies tend to fit into the household routine. Don't worry about how things might be in the future.

[thefurryone]

When I was 13 weeks pregnant I spent a lot of time not doing any housework and being vile to my DH, I found remembering to thank him occassionally for doing things to keep the house vaguely liveable helped remind him that I did used to be a nice person to live with and eased my conscience a little.

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

Goosey - we are both at work today so I think I am going to have to send a 'very sorry' email, and admit to AIBU !

[GooseyLoosey]

Thank him and make up! YABU (a bit - but then you do have an excuse).

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

Birds - yes I think we are both a bit scared DD is nearly 5 and I think the thought of a newborn again is quite scary.

[IreneHeron]

I'm pregnant too, approx 9 weeks. The house has been a tip recently as I can't function properly due to food fixations, vomiting and severe tiredness. DH's really need it firmly but calmly explained to them exactly what it means to be pregnant. I mumble 'thanks for putting up with me like this' at regular intervals and it reminds him that I'm feeling shit and he feels sorry for me.

I too am a trail of crap kind of person. It drives DH mad at the
best of times.

I'm sure you won't feel better on your own if this is the only issue. He just needs some educating. Throw up using a bowl in front of him rather than escape to the privacy of the loo. Groan a lot. I'd say ham it up a bit, but mentioning ham is making me queasy.

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

FabbyChic - Thank you - you are right. I just got used to him doing everything.

Am vowing to change. Feeling quite embarasased now about it all.

[Birdsgottafly]

Depends on what he is like normally. He might be suffering from nerves. Is he getting comments from work about how 'life is hell on earth' with a heavily pregnant wife or newborn?. Some people think that it is funny to wind up prospective parents.

You both need to talk and listen calmly to each other. In a couple of weeks time you will feel alot better, the first 3 months can be tough. Don't worry to much about when the baby is here just try to reach an agreement for now. Get through each different stage. The baby will change both of you, up till now you did not have a reason to have to be tidy. You may find it a surprise that you both cope extremely well.

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

Yep I am agreeing with Chil - oh I feel awful now -

Grovel - I can imagine he does feel lonely (I go to bed at 9 after whinging for a few hours and eating the food he has made me and probably leaving a cup on the side table) - oh crap feel really bad now.

Thank you for stopping me escalting this into a major crisis !

Its true we all like to hear 'thank you'

[FabbyChic]

Sorry but why do you leave things lying around for someone else to clear up after you? He isn't being unreasonable you are in not tidying up. Why be so lazy you are pregnant millions of women are pregnant but it doesn't make them lazy.

I get real sick of the excuse but Im pregnant, I've been pregnant twice it didn't make me lazy and untidy.

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

Thank you for your comments - I guess I didn't mention the fact that he fixed a major leak in the loft on Saturday - not before we had water pouring through the ceiling of dd's room. So yes a stressful fews days definately.

Oh crap - its looking like its not just him.....so moving into the spare room tongiht would be a little too dramatic then?

[grovel]

Chil offers good insight. The DH of a friend of mine admitted that he often felt lonely (his word - sad, I thought) when my friend was pregnant and their DC were young.

[NotOriginalNamechanger]

Excellent - thank you for making me laugh ! First time since last night.

No i'm not but I admit there is a trail of magazines / make up / lip glosses / crisp bags / behind me....eeek maybe you are right!

I did say why doesn't he just leave it all to which he said 'the house wouldn't function' and I had to try not to laugh.

[Indianalondon]

pmsl

Maybe just a stressful few days?

[Chil1234]

What he's saying is that he feels unappreciated or taken for granted. We all need to feel appreciated, even if what we're doing is nothing special. It's Mother's Day coming up and whilst none of us (I don't think) expect to be thanked for something as natural as being a mum, it's nice to get that card nevertheless.

You're doing your best, he's doing his best. If everyone says 'thank you', 'I appreciate you' and 'I love you' a little more frequently - even if we don't strictly have to - then the world becomes far nicer.