This weekend will be different!!

[LoveShitJokes]

FUCKING FED UP with ruining EVERY weekend binge drinking. I've been doing it for way too long now, since lockdown one. Why can't I just be normal and stick to one bottle on a Saturday night like everyone else?! Instead of caning it 3, 4 days in a row. This last weekend was another failure. On Friday night and again yesterday I actually ended up tipping the second half away... I didn't even really want any of it. It's just a shit, horrible habit that's carried on from last year when I was using alcohol as an anti depressant. Even though it's the worst thing you can probably do to curb anxiety and self loathing. I absolutely hated myself today. Another unproductive weekend having diarrhoea... of absolutely hating myself. The disappointment, the embarrassment, the fear. It's awful. I stopped for a good while earlier this year and it felt brilliant waking up fresh, being able to go for a run, being able to go food shopping and not having to cancel everything because I can't drive. Not being too scared to answer the phone in case someone realises I'm slurring. I have a breathalyser... that "beep, beep, beep" telling me I'm over the limit is so awful. It might as well say "you dirtbag you've done it again".

This Thursday night I will go for a long walk and tire myself out, on Friday I will cook something nice and watch a film. I will NOT spend another pointless, self pitying weekend drowning my liver for absolutely no real reason at all.

The disappointment and the guilt is vile 😞

[Onewildandpreciouslife]

Post away! I find this really helpful

[LoveShitJokes]

@PosiePerkinPootleFlump

Well done on fighting it yesterday. Hopefully you have reaped the benefits in your run this morning..
I stopped drinking at the end of August and can already feel that the benefits to my running are huge. Not just no more cancelled planned runs because of hangover, but faster recoveries and so much more energy too

My run was good, very refreshing! I hope people don't mind me carrying this thread on. It's just an outlet really as I'd not want to confide in any real life friends about this weakness. I'm off out for the day shortly with a friend then doing a spot of shopping including something yummy for tonight. Apparently Aldi do nice mock tails so I might have a browse at those too x

[PosiePerkinPootleFlump]

Well done on fighting it yesterday. Hopefully you have reaped the benefits in your run this morning..
I stopped drinking at the end of August and can already feel that the benefits to my running are huge. Not just no more cancelled planned runs because of hangover, but faster recoveries and so much more energy too

[oopsfellover]

Hi OP, this resonates with me, especially the depressed feelings after too much wine and the pleasure, when it happens, of getting up early with a clear head. I’m in my 11th month of total abstinence, the only thing that works for me. I miss drinking at times, but that’s outweighed by what I don’t miss, and I have to keep that in mind/write it down when necessary. I admire your determination and hope everything gets better for you.

[LoveShitJokes]

@Onewildandpreciouslife

I think tonight was a big achievement for you, not least because you sound much more aware of the mental battle going on.

I hope you make it on your run - running is so much better when you’re not dehydrated with an acidic stomach. Who’d have thought?!

Thank you! It's very early (obviously) but I was in bed by 10pm. If I had grabbed that bottle off the shelf I'd be feeling like absolute shit right now, pacing around breathalysing myself panicking about driving later on, head fuzzy. Instead I feel normal, whatever that is. In the words of Mr D'Arcy - I shall conquer this... I shall 👊

[Onewildandpreciouslife]

I think tonight was a big achievement for you, not least because you sound much more aware of the mental battle going on.

I hope you make it on your run - running is so much better when you’re not dehydrated with an acidic stomach. Who’d have thought?!

[teaandtoastwithmarmite]

This naked mind changed my outlook on alcohol completely. I credit my 7 months of abstinence to that book

[LoveShitJokes]

So glad I resisted tonight ❤️ I know it's not exactly a celebration, more of an embarrassment really. But any day I fight it is progressive

[LoveShitJokes]

Yeah I get that. Less than an hour ago I was parked outside the supermarket tapping my fingers against my chin and listening to the little people on both my shoulders.

Just one
Don't. You're better than this
It's literally 3 glasses
Have a hot chocolate instead
You've been working hard all week
You've only been sober 3 days
But you're stressed
You'll hate yourself in the morning
Fuck sake, it's only one bottle!
The anxiety will be terrible tomorrow
Loads of people drink more than you
You're tired, just go home and relax
But you'll be fine to drive by noon
But I'll still feel guilty
Imagine how good that buzz will feel
Imagine how shit I'll feel afterwards

Anyway I came on here, read the last comment and kicked myself up the arse with nothing purchased. Drove home.

I've had a bath and actually now that half hour urge has passed all I feel like doing is watching Motherland and going to bed at 9pm. I didn't even really want one.

So thanks, yes I know this shit is getting too much of a hold on me. Never thought I'd be here. It's all since lockdown and a load of personal shit that I've never recovered from. Probably never will. But it's no excuse, we all have ghosts, right?

On the plus side I'm setting the alarm for a 7am run, rain or not x

[Lochjeda]

I don't want this to come across as judgy, its just from a place of recognition and experience. However, you can't tru get a hold on alcohol whilst still trying to drink a Saturday. You need to ask yourself WHY are you so determined to keep drinking a Saturday. To most people, who don't have a problem with alcohol and who can control their intake and drink minimal amounts and stop, you'd say to them. Dont drink at all for 3 months, and they'd say fine. People who have an unhealthy relationship always start off saying they will just cut down because they don't realise that actually you are scared to stop completely and you don't want to BECAUSE you have a problem with alcohol and its controlling you not the other way about.

If you want to get a handle on it, unfortunately you do need to cut it out completely and admit the truth to yourself of how bad it really is. Normal people don't get up in the morning and down old drinks from the night before lying on the side. Wish you the best of luck this weekend.

[MichaelFabricantWig]

I know you don’t want to go teetotal but imo you might want to think about having a bit of a break from alcohol before trying to moderate again,

[coffeeheart]

Hi OP!
I recognise so much of what you're going through. A good friend of mine has dealt with all the many highs and lows of this journey too and even though she'd not class herself as an 'alcoholic', she'd describe herself as a 'problem drinker'. You get stuck in the shame-binge-shame loop and it's completely exhausting.

My friend started attending online AA meetings but she kept her camera off and just listened rather than took part and she ended up with a brand new set of skills to get through it. She's always said she'd like to be a'regular drinker' but has just hit 6 months without a drink at all and it's changed her life.

I think admitting that we are 'problem drinkers' is a massive step in the right direction. It might have become a bad habit over lockdown or because of anxiety or whatever but just saying 'this is a problem and I can't do it on my own' is a huge step forward.

Anyway, I'm just mentioning the AA thing as so many people tend to think it's for those who are deeply ingrained alcoholics (whatever that means!!) but it's just as much for people who are struggling to get back into a routine they recognise. My friend told me that being able to attend with a zoom alias and with camera off gave her the guts to just show up and listen. Just a thought anyway that might help you break out of the revolving door of binge-shame-binge.

[LoveShitJokes]

@Onewildandpreciouslife

Good luck! Perhaps it’s not a question of trying harder but trying smarter? I’d really recommend reading something about the effects of alcohol on your brain which explains why it’s so hard. This Naked Mind is very good at that, in a non judgy way

Thank you! I felt absolutely dreadful on Monday. Not hungover just full of shame and guilt so if I get another urge on Sunday I'll be remembering that. It was terrible. I've made plans to keep myself busy this weekend including a lovely long dog walk on Saturday morning 😃

[Onewildandpreciouslife]

Good luck! Perhaps it’s not a question of trying harder but trying smarter? I’d really recommend reading something about the effects of alcohol on your brain which explains why it’s so hard. This Naked Mind is very good at that, in a non judgy way

[LoveShitJokes]

And it starts again as of tonight... I must try harder x

[Soberoct]

@LoveShitJokes you can keep trying ! Tonight I've managed to not have anything for the first time in bloody ages(can't actually remember when I think maybe a few months)!!! Don't think about the past just move on! You can do this

[LoveShitJokes]

I felt so proud all weekend too, until I fucked it yesterday 😔

[LoveShitJokes]

@Onewildandpreciouslife

You haven’t let yourself down. It’s hard - you’re fighting with your own brain and years of conditioning.

It really might be worth learning something about the way alcohol affects your brain. This Naked Mind by Annie Grace is a good place to start.

Thank you. I woke up yesterday morning and there was a glass of sparkling wine mixed with orange juice on the side from the night before. Before I even thought about it I just had a "fuck it" moment and chugged it back, then went straight out to the shop. The only slight (very slight) credit I'll give myself is that I poured the last two glasses away and kicked myself up the arse by late afternoon. Went to bed early but slept terribly because my anxiety was through the roof and I felt so down today. I've come home tonight and done a few house jobs to try and not sit around feeling like a loser all evening. I'm out this weekend but I've already nominated myself to be the driver. I just have to keep on trying x

[Onewildandpreciouslife]

You haven’t let yourself down. It’s hard - you’re fighting with your own brain and years of conditioning.

It really might be worth learning something about the way alcohol affects your brain. This Naked Mind by Annie Grace is a good place to start.

[LoveShitJokes]

@Onewildandpreciouslife

How was the rest of your weekend @LoveShitJokes ?

I failed yesterday 😞 I'm so angry with myself. Let myself down. Again.

[Onewildandpreciouslife]

How was the rest of your weekend @LoveShitJokes ?

[Evvyjb]

Morning! I am (was) the kind of drinker you mention - I needed a period of total abstinence to get my head straight and actually work out what "a bottle" meant to me. I do worry that drinking again today will just mean you're back in the same boat, as once you've had that first glass it becomes harder and harder to say no to the next one.

I was totally dry for about 5 months, and now drink maybe once a week but am very mindful of WHY I am drinking and what I want, rather than the habitual "knock wine back because it's Friday/Thursday is nearly Friday/Sunday lunchtime". I have lost some friends and changed my habits but I feel so much better for it. I can stop at one (where as I never could before) and am capable of leaving a glass.

See having a few weeks/months off as a treat to yourself before making a clear headed decision about drinking again. You might decide you actually don't really want to at all.

[wormshuffled]

Well done OP!

I am also a member of the once I start I don't want to stop club.

I am finding I now wake up after a binge and there are large periods of the night I can't remember. The bits I can remember are me behaving like a complete twat.

I have stopped the 'out out' nights, as they are the worst culprit. Now if I buy wine in I will get just one bottle as when it's gone it's gone, and there is nowhere I can walk to to re stock.

It's also affects my diet, as I need so many carbs the next day to be able to function, followed by a whole week of beating myself up about the weight I have gained.

I'm actually dreading December.

[RhubarbAndMustard]

I'm so similar to you. Decided to give up 2 months ago but didn't want to give up all together.

I had 59 days of not drinking. Went to my uncles funeral this week and thought would be rude not to accept the wine being offered to toast to him. As soon as I had that one drink I wanted more..a lot more. Luckily I needed to pick kids up from school so had to decline, but made me realise how powerful those urges are.

Well done on last night and look forward to that clear skin, sparkly eyes and better hair. That's what keeps me going! (Plus decent alcohol free beer!)

[Namechanged12344]

Well done OP! You had determination and you did it. I didn't! But I'm planning on Sunday now not to drink through the week but I definitely will use @Onewildandpreciouslife literally stamping on the thoughts as I've done it before but well done you!!!