Help me understand

[Luvvies]

Hi all.
I need help to understand what may be going through my husbands head, for why he has made no change to his drinking.
I appreciate you may just say 'how can we know?' But I wondered if anyone who had been in a similar experience could help?

He has had some medical investigations and the results are that his liver is showing 'significant problems' - the numbers sound quite alarming, so he is getting a referral to the liver specialists. (He had been seen by haematology due to his dodgy blood work) Ultrasound of his liver also showed problems, and it is enlarged. Some other blood issues too, it's quite a mess.
So the haematologist has told him to halve his drinking. He was told to cut back 5 weeks ago, and didn't, then got these latest more serious results on Friday.
He has about 70 units a week. I have watched what he has had the last 3 nights, and absolutely no change. Tonight is heading the same way.
We spoke about it on Friday, I asked how I could help him cut back, and he said 'by not talking about it'.

He has previously said very confidently to a dr that he was 'not dependent' as 'I was able to stop when I took morphine' (for kidney stones).
I think he has been drinking at this level for a few years, I worked away from home a lot Pre Covid so not sure, but he has definitely drunk this amount every night since March 2020.

I am just trying to work out what could be going on?
Denial, putting it off until September? Waiting for the actual liver specialist to agree?
Any advice and support would be very welcome as I just don't know what to do.

[Nothingsfine]

@Luvvies

Thank you for your honesty Mybestyear and well done on your 23 days.

Yes he is able to look after himself. I will need to be away for the odd night for work soon and he will cope. I can't see me moving out, I've lived in this house a long time and I don't plan to lose it. My DC are adults and have moved out.

There is no alcohol in the house, well there is but it's well hidden so he would have to either drive or get it delivered. Which isn't beyond him. I really believe currently that the 'nearly dying' was enough to frighten him off.

I'm glad you found the BLT and have posted. It's a very supportive and knowledgeable group.
I really hope you are right about him being scared off the drink but I assumed the same with my ex after he drank himself into a coma. However he was discharged and started drinking again very quickly.

[Luvvies]

Thank you for your honesty Mybestyear and well done on your 23 days.

Yes he is able to look after himself. I will need to be away for the odd night for work soon and he will cope. I can't see me moving out, I've lived in this house a long time and I don't plan to lose it. My DC are adults and have moved out.

There is no alcohol in the house, well there is but it's well hidden so he would have to either drive or get it delivered. Which isn't beyond him. I really believe currently that the 'nearly dying' was enough to frighten him off.

[Mybestyear]

@Luvvies - I’m so sorry this is happening to you - it sounds dire. I’m the drinker in our relationship (DH is a moderate drinker) but luckily so far my liver tests have been ok - apart from a little fatty liver - but I know this can eventually lead to cirrhosis. I’m on day 23 AF and not intending to drink again.

With regards to your situation - is he able to manage in the house himself? I know you work so is that out of the house and he’s able to self care? I think you need to mentally prepare for him drinking again once he is over the shock of this and feeling better again - that is quite common. As PPs have said, you need support too.

If the worst comes to the worst and he continues to deteriorate but refuse care, do you think you could move out and force social services /social care to be involved? Or would that make it worse for you and your DC?

There are no easy solutions to this and I don’t envy you but wish you well and hope you are able to get the help you need.

[Luvvies]

Thanks both. He hasn't drunk since the varices bled out and I don't think he will. But he is struggling mentally. I mean he can hold a conversation but can't for example order his own prescriptions, he just can't work out the dates or use the app he has used for ages. He just gets confused.
I've had some very helpful support on the liver trust forum.
I do have a lot of worry about him getting worse and needing care. To be honest the marriage has been over for years but I've not done anything about that and suddenly feel it's too late. What if he decides he doesn't want care? I know from my experience with my mother that even a tiny glimmer of 'capacity' is taken as that by the medics and someone can refuse what they don't want. I can see I would be forced into a position where I would have no choice. But I can't afford to give up my job and equally I don't want to.
Anyway he will definitely be festering sat on the sofa for the next year at least.

[fallfallfall]

several years back a close friend's husband was in a similar state.
due to his lack of mental competency and her need to work she had him placed in a care facility....he was 40!! but his mind was fried.
slowly with no access to alcohol or drugs he recovered enough to get physical and alcohol rehab.
5 years on he was able to leave the care facility and restart his life.
op take care of yourself, not just your husband.

[Monty27]

He needs professional intervention.
Has rehab been considered? Otherwise he's a gonner.
Sorry to sound brusque but last October I lost a fabulous close friend. A wonderful woman and mother to two beautiful young adults.
It took 14 years all in all.
If he wants to stay alive he has to have support.
I hope he makes it 🌄

[Luvvies]

Thank you I've joined that forum and posted. It does look very helpful.
Sorry to hear about your ex.

[Nothingsfine]

I'm sorry to read your update. I'm in a similar position with my ex, in that his future is very uncertain and he is at end stage liver disease.
The British Liver Trust have some great leaflets on their website, as well as message boards that are really supportive.

[Luvvies]

I thought I would come on here an update.

At the start of December he nearly died from haemorrhaging esophageal varices, a complete shock we did not know he had them. He lost 3 litres of blood.
He has not had a drink since that night.

He was in hospital a week and is now recovering very slowly but has brain fog caused by his liver being unable to remove the toxins from his blood. I don't know what his future holds. His liver is extremely cirrhosed according to the test results, they are all at the far end of any measurement scale. But we will find out more in 10 days at the next appointment. A nurse on a phone check up asked if the transplant team had been in touch yet.

He has had to declare alcohol dependency to DVLA which means he will not be able to drive for 12 months. Which of course puts a lot of pressure on me, we live semi rurally so he will need to take taxis if I can't take him places, there are no buses near enough to us.

My life is pretty much turned upside down having to build this in, also at a time when I've had my mother in hospital and had to move her to a care home so now selling her home, and have a load of medical issues of my own including possible cancer investigations over the last 2 months, thankfully looking ok for now. So zero support from him there of course. Thankfully I have many RL friends keeping me sane.

[Luvvies]

I suspect he is also depressed and not tackling that. He's been miserable and lacking any joy for years. (I loved working away mon to fri!) he lost his job in April and has pretty much decided he won't work again at 63. So he then had some health issues and has just sat on the sofa for months.
I'm 10 years younger and this is not what I signed up for.

[bluejelly]

Sounds like he is an alcoholic in denial. I'm so sorry @Luvvies

[Luvvies]

Thank you I was thinking I should do that.
I will be going with him to appointments as he doesn't take in what is being said, gives incorrect information (originally said he has a couple of cognacs a night so I put that straight) and doesn't ask the right questions.
I took notes, but he doesn't want them.
I've seen the message he sent to one of our sons (23) and half of it is wrong.

[lotsofdogshere]

What Haggishfish3 said. It’s hard to hear but he’s the one wh0mneeds to change. That means acknowledging a problem which he isn’t ready to do.
Get good support for yourself.

[Haggisfish3]

Alcoholism and addiction. If he won’t acknowledge it, there is very little you can do. I would contact al anon.