Alcoholic bro at Xmas

[sarahH2399]

Hi, I'm after some thoughts on a problem.
My brother is an alcoholic and my mother is a widow. There are only 4 of us in the family including my OH. Every Xmas my brother completely ruins the day, he is an aggressive drunk and over 6 feet tall, so very intimidating. Last Xmas was the worst yet and I swore that we wouldn't go to mums again this year. Because of lockdown though it looks like we will have to go. I had a brainwave and thought it would be nice for myself, OH and mum to go out for Xmas lunch. However mum got quite angry with me, saying you just want to do that because of your brother! and has now flatly refused to leave him on his own. That's put me in a really awkward position. Do we go to mums and have Xmas day ruined or do we stay away, potentially leaving her on her own with him? My OH is now refusing to go so I'm completely stuck in the middle. What are your thoughts?

[babbi]

@BluebellsGreenbells Fantastic saying re boundaries 👌🏻 - totally nailed it .

OP .. be firm and do t feel any guilt at all This is not of your making.

I hope you have a wonderful stress free day

[Hiccupiscal]

"Mum. DB is an alcoholic. One that ruins the day and takes pleasure from it. I dont wish to offend you but I would like a nice, normal Xmas just once. Here are the options..."

Let her make her own, adult, choices.

...your mum absolutely knows your brother is a problem, as you stated "mum got angry saying you only want to do that because of DB"

She KNOWS he's a problem, but is protecting him.

You don't have too. Hes even admitted to spoiling it on purpose. It might cause problems, but you don't have to be a scapegoat or out up with his behaviour and ruin your happy day.

Alternatively, if you really are too scared to rock the boat, develop covid symptoms you need to isolate with a week or so before Xmas day. You'll have to miss this year, then next year its just a simple "no, we had Xmas alone last year and the difference was outstanding."

However I don't recommend option 2, as you still have to face the music at some point!

Let us know what you do, op!

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Once you start to build boundaries people rarely cross them.

You need to be a stick record and not get drawn into the ifs why’s abs where fours ...

No mum’s we aren’t coming this year.
Yes you can come here for dinner (no DB)
No we haven’t spoilt Christmas, we will have a lovely day ...

[Apileofballyhoo]

Good for you. That's really cheered me up. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

[sarahH2399]

Thank you all so much for your advices. This is the first time I've posted this topic on a forum but you've made me realise that non of this is my fault and I do need to make a stand and not be emotionally bullied by her. She has the option, whether she takes it or not is up to her. I refuse to be manipulated anymore.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

If I tell her we are not going she will accuse me of ruining the day

And? Just say No I’ll have a lovely day with DH, you’re welcome to come, but DB isn’t.

She’s made her choice. You make yours. So what if she doesn’t like it? You don’t like it as it is!

[Apileofballyhoo]

Have you ever looked into Al-Anon? You're allowed do whatever is best for you, and put your own boundaries in place. So you'd feel comfortable saying with no guilt "Mum I don't want to spend Christmas Day on edge in case DB gets obnoxious, so I'm having Christmas at home with DP this year. You're welcome to join us and we'd be delighted to have you." Then her Christmas is her choice, and yours is your choice. It takes work to feel comfortable with doing what suits you, I can't say it doesn't. But your DM and DB are doing exactly what suits them so logically you should do the same. You're allowed.

[halloweenagain]

Good luck OP.
You and your OH deserve a better Xmas.

[sarahH2399]

Aquamarine. You are absolutely right. I need to stand up to her, she's a bit of a bully and is used to getting her own way, whereas I've always been the one to try and passify her. She's not going to like it but I'm 57 years old, have offered to take her out for Xmas lunch (at vast expense) and I can do no more. Now to pluck up the courage!

[sarahH2399]

I'm afraid he drinks constantly, there is no night or day with him. He drinks until he passes out, sleeps for a while then drinks again as soon as he wakes up.
It's very sad, he's a talented guy but is totally wasting his life. My mother also has a drink problem (but only after 5pm). A functioning alcoholic. Perhaps she's so protective over him for that very reason.

[Aquamarine1029]

I suppose I'm looking for an excuse to give her that let's me off the hook without causing a massive argument.

You don't need an excuse when you have the truth behind you. Your mother knows exactly how awful her son is yet can't face it, so she chooses to live in denial. Tell her the truth and refuse to discuss it further. There won't be a massive argument if you don't engage in one.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Can you just go for a couple of hours in the morning or something, before he gets drunk?

[sarahH2399]

Unfortunately, in my mother's eyes, my brother can do no wrong. If I tell her we are not going she will accuse me of ruining the day.
My Brother is not someone I could explain this to as he is belligerent at the best of times. He doesn't like Xmas and has told us in the past he likes ruining it for us.
I suppose I'm looking for an excuse to give her that let's me off the hook without causing a massive argument.

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm with your OH. It's about time you stand up for yourself and absolutely refuse to be subjected to your brother's behaviour. You have to except that your mother can make her own choices, but so can you. Why set yourself up for a miserable day? Sounds like he needs a massive dose of tough love and consequences.

[Motnight]

Your mum wants to be with your db. Let her. You don't need to be there as well.

[Anordinarymum]

What a horrible situation to be in. I would ask your mother what she wants to do? I get how bad she feels btw. She just wants everything to be alright when it won't be.

If she does not come up with a solution to suit all, then you decide, but inform your brother and tell him why.