How best to support a recovering alcoholic?

[HundredMilesAnHour]

Apologies if I sound clueless but this really is a new world for me and I'm hoping those of you who are more experienced can give me some advice.

I've been dating a lovely man for the last few months (not easy during lockdown but it's been a good way to take things slowly and just get to know each other). Yesterday he finally opened up to me and told me that he's a recovering alcoholic and that he's been sober for 9 years.

I actually suspected that either he or a family member/friend/ex had issues with alcohol as he told me from the start that he doesn't drink but was very cagey about why. So I've always tried my best to be very respectful and I've never drank alcohol around him. When we go out together, we share a big bottle of sparkling water and that's fine with me. I'm not a huge drinker and given a choice of alcohol or him, I'd choose him every time.

So him telling me yesterday that he's a recovering alcoholic was a huge step for us. I thanked him for telling me and he knows I'm there for him but how can I best support him?

I don't want to do anything that makes it harder for him. I obviously don't drink around him. I don't drink much myself anyway, and since dating him, that means I may only have a a drink or two once a month with friends over Zoom. But are there other things I should be doing or not doing to support him? I will talk to him about this further and ask him for his thoughts on this but I wondered if any of you have any advice based on your experience?

Thanks so much for your time reading this, and apologies again if I sound like an ignorant idiot.

[GreenAfternoonTeaMug]

It's great you are thinking about it in such a way! Alcohol is so ingrained in our society, and too many people would have a closed mind when it comes to a non-drinker.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

Thank you all so much, that really helps. I'll talk to him but not make a big deal of it.

I had an inkling there was some issue with alcohol so I've never drank around him and we never go to pubs, although he knows I have an occasional drink with friends. He's an introvert so he's not really into parties or clubs or big groups of people anyway. I hoped he'd eventually feel he can trust me enough to tell me what was really going on so I'm very pleased we've got to that point. He's an incredible man (although he doesn't seem to realise it). Neither of us are spring chickens and we both have high pressured jobs so a quiet(ish!) life suits us just fine.

We actually met in the gym so we're both quite healthy and (when the gyms were open), we used to exercise together so definitely a non-alcohol related activity. We're both big coffee drinkers so our first few dates were gym sessions followed by a coffee shop. Now during lockdown, we do walks or bike rides or picnics in the park (like everyone else!) and most recently I'll make dinner (or we get food delivered) and we'll sit outside in my communal garden. Once museums and galleries open up, we'll be all over them I'm sure.

It's actually been a good experience for me as I've realised that I can have a great time with no alcohol required. I'm quite happy without it but I'm also aware that might be an insensitive comment to make. I'm probably over-thinking this massively.

[GreenAfternoonTeaMug]

Ask him what he needs. Don't make a big deal of it. Let him guide you. It might be that he has no issues with others drinking around him. It might be that he sometimes needs to bail out of parties or the like early.

But at 9 years sober he ought to have a pretty good idea of what he needs.

I have alcohol issues but have no issues whatsoever with having alcohol in the house, or having people drink around me. Sometimes though i need to go home early, or just not go out if I am not feeling it.

[Ze1tGeist]

i would just follow his lead. i’ve been sober 6 years, i keep a dry house and that’s a hard rule, no exceptions.

i actually left a partner last year as he was descending into active alcoholism. i didn’t want to be around someone who smelled of booze the whole time. i don’t want to kiss someone who tastes like booze. i think i’d be fine going to a restaurant or to a pub for food, but i do t hang around in pubs any more!

i wouldn’t expect a partner to be teetotal, but i don’t want to be around someone who is always drinking.

reading that back, i’m quite strict! but it’s for my benefit, not because i want to control someone else.

honestly, just ask him what he needs from you, and anything he wouldn’t be able to deal with. it’s all you can do. every alcoholic is different, we’re still people. those of us who have managed to get sober are just the lucky ones, and we would generally go to any lengths to stay sober as it’s a hard battle to face, and i personally will need to be vigilant for the rest of my life if i want to stay alive.

[romdowa]

As the sibling of an alcoholic my best advice is to ask him. Only he can tell you what he needs in terms of his addiction. Some dont mind other drinking around them , some find that it makes them uncomfortable to be around drink. After 9 years , he knows him self what he needs or doesnt need. Just remember that his sobriety is ultimately his responsibility. Nothing you do should have any affect on that.

[Carlottacoffee]

Don’t drink around him. Suggest non drinking dates.

The rest is really up to him. If he is still attending meetings he will have loads of support. He may also be a sponsor for another alcoholic.

Nine years in he is doing amazing and will have a pretty good grip on it. You don’t really need to do anything.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

Bearing in mind the length of this new relationship, do you mean "support" or "be considerate"?

I mean both. I guess initially it's just me understanding how I can be considerate but if needs support, I'm there for him. I understand that it's his issue to manage but I just want to be aware of anything that I might do which make unwittingly make it harder for him. Basically the last thing I want to do is make it worse.

[Andante57]

It’s up to him to stay sober.
I’ve got an alcoholic relation and the rest of the family drinks in front of him.
However if you decide not to drink when with him then that’s a healthy option.
Maybe go to Al Anon which supports those with alcoholic loved ones.

[user1752463586]

Bearing in mind the length of this new relationship, do you mean "support" or "be considerate"?