Alcoholic mum

[Lolacat1234]

Hi all, not really sure what I am looking for by posting. Perhaps some words of support or advice?

I'm 32 years old with two children (DS8 and DD8months) a partner, mortgage and full time job to go back to in February. My mum is now 70. She's on her own as my dad passed away when I was 16 so she's been on her own 16 years. She has always had a drink problem, it's not something that started after my dad died. My dad liked a drink but he wasn't an alcoholic. My mums health has never been great, she's suffered with Crohn's/colitis over the years and weighs between 7-8 stone. I am sure her disease has been exacerbated by the drinking and smoking because most of the time she will drink a bottle of wine rather than eat dinner, she has the appetite of a bird. She also now suffers with osteoporosis because of a lack of nutrition. The past two years it has got so bad, she falls over and breaks a bone on regular occasions. So far this year it has been tibia (needed a plate and screw in her hip for that one), collar bone, multiple bruises to face and body and now the latest hospital admission is her coccyx. I have tried to help. I fought to get her referred to our local alcohol and drug rehab organisation and I thought she was having counselling, but she has since stopped talking about it and all seems to have gone quiet there so I think she's fallen off the radar or voluntarily quit.

I'm finding it very hard to cope - I have a young baby and I am honestly lost with it all. The despair is weighing so heavy on my shoulders, I feel like I've lost her to drink even though she's still here. At the same time she just frustrates me so much, every time it's "I'll stop now I'm determined to do it this time" etc etc. Yet when I asked how she was today she tells me she's pissed off being in hospital and in pain 2 weeks before Xmas, no remorse, no "it's my fault I'm here" and most disappointingly no "I'm ready to change" just pissed off being in hospital. She didn't tell the doctors she has a problem, I had to tell the nurse and ask about the possibility of rehab, she says there's not really much point unless your mum wants to engage and do it. She says she does but her actions don't back it up. If she really wanted help she would have asked the doctors for help surely?

I'm also really struggling with a feeling of resentment or detachment almost. I love my mum very much and I know it's a disease but I'm struggling with the selfishness of it. People have told me it's the nature of the disease, i do understand that, but I know people who have made the choice to become sober, and it's the fact that she just won't make that choice that is so upsetting. Does she not love me or her grandchildren enough to even try? She could fall off the wagon a thousand times and always have my full support as long as she genuinely wanted to get sober, but as I don't really feel she wants it, I am at the point now where I just feel myself pulling away and saying i cant invest any more into trying to help her, I have my own family to look after now.

On the practical side of things I would like to ask some advice, I'm at the point now where I just don't think she is safe in her own home and I'm not sure what to do, where to get support for her. The nurse made me laugh on the phone tonight when she said they will aim to discharge in a couple of days because coccyx injuries need no surgical intervention just pain management and people usually recover best in their home environment! I just laughed and said it's because of her home environment that she keeps ending up in hospital! But yeah I'm not sure what to do, is it at this point we need to consider assisted living?

It's just such a mess. Every time she says I'm determined this time I'm going to do it I just want to punch a wall.

[Lolacat1234]

Well she's out of hospital now and back at home, she's able to get around with a zimmer. I told the hospital of all her problems with drink and was told that they would not discharge her without some support in place for her, but it appears none is available. Nothing effective anyway. She's been told the local alcohol and drug support service will be in contact with her in the new year, probably for more weekly counselling sessions that she just won't attend I was concerned to see that they've discharged her with a prescription for morphine tablets as well, seeing as they say don't mix with alcohol and they've been told multiple times that she has a problem with drink. The occupational health person I spoke to about her discharge said she would contact the social services and see what more support could be given but I was basically told unless the situation is completely dire there is none. It's all still very bleak, just waiting for a phone call to say she's been readmitted, it won't come for a few weeks but we will surely be back here again as nothing's changed.

[NoMorePoliticsPlease]

@limpbizkit
very well said. I also dont like the AA methods and the idea that it is a disease. Alcohol is a very addictive substance as is eating disorders which this lady may have.
Some people are more easily carried along thispath for many many reasons. Victim blaming is not helpful.
The problem is not ther person it is the addictive nature of the poison

[Lolacat1234]

@limpbizkit thank you ❤️

[limpbizkit]

And I'm saying that as an ex problem drinker.

[limpbizkit]

Have a lovely Christmas and do your own thing on the day. Ring her in the evening. Don't be suckered into any guilt trips. Be pleasant and cheery and see her boxing day if you're able to. I have a bit of a controversial opinion on 'help' groups such as adult children of alcoholics and such like - I think they often coerce you into the 'victim' role which can make you feel weak and disenpowered. Just like AA (which I'm also not an advocate of) it makes your whole life about alcohol and its effect on you. Even making out you have a disease of codependecy etc. It's all a bit American. Personally I don't think it's very healthy. It's great your feeling less alone and can relate to the stories. That's a positive to take from it. But don't get sucked into believing you're an enabler etc. Stay positive. Be strong and gently support your mum but with boundaries in place. Strong ones. You start with having your Christmas as your own and putting yourself first. Mum can wait until boxing day for time with you. Best of luck

[Wolfiefan]

You don’t have to go any more than you want to and feel able too. You’re not responsible for her. You need to look after you. X

[Lolacat1234]

She's broken her pelvis in 2 places this time, nothing to be done surgically and more than likely will be in hospital over Xmas. She says this should be a weight off my mind and that she's happier as less of a burden to me in there over Xmas. But to be honest it makes no difference as obviously I'll be going in to visit her at some point in the day, the hospital isn't round the corner and it will mess up part of the day. I think she just thinks I'll leave her in there and not not bother visiting her which is ridiculous. I can't really go in the week because of the kids but I'll always go on the weekends even though I said I wouldn't 🙄. I looked up NACOA yesterday and some of the stories on there really hit home. I didn't realise there was such a thing as being a child of an alcoholic as a mental health thing but I realise it's totally had an effect and changed pretty much everything my whole life - I thought this was just the way I was.

[Supersimkin2]

OP my heart cracks for you. The person who needs most help and support now is not DM, it's you. But you can't see it - hey, you're the kid of an alcoholic, how would you value yourself.

Detachment is the only right way forward for both you and DM. Be kind to yourself, please.

[limpbizkit]

Hi. This sounds a very sad situation for you op. It's a time in your life when having a well and supportive mum around would no doubt be helpful to you. I had a drink problem. It was an extremely painful time of my life. Thank goodness I am well today. Its such a relief never having to drink again and have the freedom to live life and be a wonderful mother and wife, daughter and friend to people. I didn't do it through AA. Local alcohol support service - I was lucky I had family and most of all I bloody wanted to stop. The drive was there. Alkys aren't always bad people. They're usually mentally unwell. I wouldn't go in hard on your mum. But it is her who has to want to stop. If tell her sincerely how you feel and how much you'd love to see her well. Support her quietly if possible. But do out yourself and your little family first and protect yourself until you see some action from your mum. You can't save her you can only be there when she takes those first steps to help. I hope she does. Best of luck

[Lolacat1234]

@TheHobbitMum thank you I never thought about looking for a Facebook group - I'll take a look now. Sorry you have had to go through all this as well :(

@PurpleFrames not at all. We can only ever really see things through our own perspective and thank you for sharing. you are addressing your issues and engaging, you seem to be way further on the road to recovery than my mum! Good luck with everything x

Thanks all - I'll try and update here from time to time xx

[Dapplegrey]

Please go to al Anon op - you will find help and support there.
I am sorry you are going through this.

[PurpleFrames]

I hope you didn't think I'm making excuses OP. It's hard to read posts like these as I know I must be affecting people like you in my own life. Take care x

[TheHobbitMum]

I can also add to join NACOA on Facebook they have helped me a lot with my mum.
She's sadly passed away due to alcoholism but before that I had to detach and put myself first. It's a really hard step to take but essential when the role has reversed from parent/child.
Counselling helped me see that I can't help someone who doesn't want it, for your own mental health and wellbeing take a step back. The constant worry about her will be taking a huge toll on you so don't be frightened to put yourself and your family first

[Lolacat1234]

@PurpleFrames thank you for a different spin on things. I often wonder what the catalyst is for an addict to truly want to get well again and engage with help and support as opposed to just saying the words and going along with it. To actually mean it. I don't think my mum has ever got to that point and I keep thinking surely when she hits rock bottom she will turn it around but rock bottom keeps on coming and getting worse and still no change. It's so frustrating. It's definitely a mental illness for sure, she knows she's hurting me but can't stop. We had a frank discussion today and she says it's something in her brain she can't control.

@Bostonbullsmumma - your experience sounds so like mine! I was just saying to a friend the other day I feel myself detaching from her and our relationship because I feel like i have already lost her to the drink. She's going to die soon and subconsciously I'm trying to prepare myself for it.

[Bostonbullsmumma]

Yes completely alcohol related. She passed away very unexpectedly at home. A family member had visited her a few hours before. Your mum sounds very similar. I think a lot of my mums problems were very being lonely and bored after retiring (always a big drinker before) and drinking eventually took over her life. She'd have days when she wouldn't drive (no money) and promise me she'd stop but as soon as she was paid she'd be straight to the shop. I had to take a step back for the sake of my health and my children's. I mourned my mum along time before she passed as she wasn't the same person. It's hard but sometimes you have to put yourself and your own family first and try (as hard as it is) not to feel guilty for that.

[PurpleFrames]

I come at this from a slightly different side as an addict starting recovery. It is terrifying to think you have to change something so comfortable for yourself especially when it feels like everyone is against you telling you what to do when they have no idea what your life is really like (I firmly believe Comorbid mental illness is the root of most addiction, plus addiction is considered a mental health condition)

I'd just advise you to seek support for yourself through Al-anon or similar. I'm sure if your mum gets well she will be so upset with herself for hurting you.

[Lolacat1234]

@bostonbullsmumma - sorry to hear you have been through this as well - do you mind me asking if it was the alcoholism that got your mum in the end? she says she does want to change but her actions don't back it up. I just think she enjoys drinking for some strange reason and doesn't want to stop. I said to her today she's like a different person now, I don't know who she really is as she's either pissed or counting down the hours on edge until she can drink. Our relationship has tanked recently as I'm so tired of it. Literally the very day I told her the lovely news I was pregnant with my DD, she took that as an excuse to get smashed and fall over breaking her tibia, and it was the start of a decline that has continued over the last 18 months. I still find it hard to think about that awful time trudging to and from hospital with horrendous morning sickness trying to be happy about being pregnant but being so worried about her and sitting there in a and e with her seething about the whole thing.

Thank you for the suggestions of organisations I can look into as well, I will have a look as I do feel I need some support that comes from something/someone objective.

[HopeClearwater]

Join NACOA - see their Facebook page.

Concentrate on the people in your life who want to live - so yourself and your children. Detach from your mum. She can’t or won’t change. I’ve seen both my dad and my DH drink their lives away and sad as it is, you can’t do a thing, so don’t waste your time and mental energy trying when there are so many other good things you can do.

[Bostonbullsmumma]

My mum was an alcoholic. Exactly the same as you are going through. In and out of hospital after various falls. I remember ringing around the hospitals looking for her and when I eventually spoke to her she laughed saying the nurse found you then. She was oblivious to my worry (pregnant with DC1).
I tried everything to help her. But she didn't want help. She passed away in her late 60's. She never accepted she had a problem. She had a very serious one. I still wonder what more I could have done but she simply didn't want help. Does your mum accept she has a problem? Does she want help?

[Lolacat1234]

Thanks all for your kind responses. I went to visit her in hospital today and handed her the number of an inpatient rehab facility - if she truly wants the help she will call I guess, she could probably afford it.

Biggeorge1985 - I have a friend who's dad was an alcoholic (since passed away from liver disease) and she had a relationship much the same. I try to detach myself from my mum in this way but the dynamic is really different. It's almost like a role reversal of parent and child. I feel so responsible for her and the disease makes her talk and behave so selfishly and childlike at times. I think if I'm to move forward though I need to try and be more like you!

[Biggeorge1985]

@Lolacat1234

Hi- my dad is an alcoholic and has been since I was about 15...I’m 40 now. I used to get very upset over my dad and mourn the past when we used to do stuff together. Around the age of 22/23 I sort of let it go by accepting he was never going to be a dad to me anymore. I call him dad but that’s where it ends. Don’t get me wrong, I have a good relationship with him( when I see him) but any expectations of him being a ‘dad’ to me are long, long gone. I’m not bitter at all anymore and when I took the decision to let him go it was a weight off my shoulders. Like I say, I have a good relationship with him which is based on a ‘friendship’ rather than a parent / child relationship. He’s a funny man and very bright - it’s hard not to like him actually, despite his terrible addiction...and believe me, it’s bad- he drinks around the clock. My mum was / is the strong one in their relationship, obviously. She’s had to be though. I don’t know how she holds it together. I know your situation is slightly different being your mum. I often wonder how different things would be if it was my mum with the problem rather than my dad. I think the relationship between mum / daughter is different to dad / daughter. I wouldn’t really know what a dad / daughter relationship is like as I’ve never really had it.
I can only tell you my experiences with an alcoholic parent. Yes, I’m there for my dad (if he needed me) and yes, I get on with him but there’s no expectations. I’m not sure whether this sort of relationship would be possible for you but that’s how I deal with it.

[iamyourequal]

Hi Lolacat1234. I’m sorry I don’t have any useful advice as I haven’t been in your position. I have an elderly DF in poor health due to alcohol but he isn’t as badly affected as your mum. I just want to say it sounds like you are doing a great job in the circumstances but it’s not for you to work a miracle here. Your mum has made her own choices in her life and you can’t change those. I would be focussing on your own young children and partner if I were you. Of course you love your mum and want to help, but it already sounds like you are doing all you can. Take care and appreciate that she is responsible for where she is now and only she can change it.

[Wolfiefan]

There is nothing you can do. It is beyond sad and tragic but her primary relationship is with alcohol. You can’t save her. You can’t stop her drinking.

[Phantastick]

Sorry - thumb slipped! Essentially she has to be the one to help herself and make that choice. You can do nothing and there is an argument that the more you do to support and protect her from the consequences of her addiction, the more you are enabling her to continue to drink.

Either way, you would be able to get support and help from people in very similar circumstances to you and you might feel less alone.

[Phantastick]

I think you should, if you possibly can, go to Al Anon - it’s support for the family of alcoholics and